Should there be more?

[Lookingformore9]

My boyfriend and I have what I consider a good relationship. But sometimes I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. 

I stay with him on weekends but sometimes it would be nice if he offered to stay at my home so I can take a break from the 45 min drive. I do plan on selling my home next spring since we hope to buy a place together by June. It’s expected we each pay half.  
I’m not naive and know he does like the fact I have some solid finances since he’s mentioned things like “Between your money and mine we can buy something really nice”. He claims he has money too (he voluntarily told me how much which is a lot more than me).
I believe him but he tends to be “tight” sometimes with spending money (I stick to a budget myself but not up the point where I don’t allow myself to buy clothes. His clothes are decent but quite worn). 

Also, he never buys me flowers despite me hinting about it several times. It’s not about the flowers but really about a gesture of showing I’m appreciated. He knows I like to drink wine on weekends (as does he). But I’m always the one buying the wine for us. 
He makes the social plans with his friends which include me so I appreciate that.  He also pays for dinners (when we are together 2 nights a week) typically but I pay half of any trips or extras.  
He does express appreciation when I come to visit on the weekends. 

He is hoping I move in full time now but I’m not ready. It’s a big step. For him it’s his town anyway and needs to live in an apt since he had to give his ex his half of their home in the divorce. 
Any cards or gifts for my birthday or Valentine’s Day have been modest. 
He has mentioned he loves me but only a few times in over a year. I have told him I love him spontaneously because I do and want him to know it and hoping he would reciprocate which he somewhat did (saying I do too). 
He used to send me nice good night texts but I don’t receive them anymore but usually I’ll get a good morning texts. I used to reciprocate but when he stopped I only sent a few but he didn’t. 
I don’t want to be unappreciated especially since I do put a lot of effort into our relationship. 
I don’t want to be used or treated like a fool but I get mixed signals. 

[Jaunty]

This sounds like a very transactional relationship, and you seem like an unsatisfied customer who is not sure they're getting their money's worth.

Interestingly you don't mention anything about the man's character or personality.  The whole thing is like an accounting.   

So, in answer to your question, yes.  There should be more.   There is a lot more to a a successful relationship than equal entries on two columns of a ledger page.  

Definitely rethink the plan of buying a house together.  You have much to sort out before you mingle your finances with him for the rest of your lives.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Lookingformore9 said:

 I get mixed signals. 

He's not that into you.

And he doesn't do actually efforts in this relationship. Sounds very one sided and he sounds like he takes you for granted.

Honestly, part of my non-negotiables in a partner are a generous man who buys me thoughtful gifts, does thoughtful gestures and makes me feel appreciated. And, you're at a point in this relationship where you're getting both comfortable and you're seeing his true colours in how he treats you. Don't expect him to change and just take him as he is at his best self now.  As such, you're noticing his actions do not align with what you expect in a partner.

I would kindly bow out and stop wasting my time with the wrong match. Don't settle! Don't move in and waste more of your time! Don't fall for his fake promises if you try to break up. Simply, let go and move on. You might as well be single and buy yourself a bottle of fancy wine and flowers on the next weekend! 💅

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Should there be more?

Depends. Some people are happy with what they got. I have a friend. He has a girlfriend and they live together (never officially engaged but that is about it, they are practically married). Anyway, he is like your boyfriend. More formal, doesnt express his love in gestures(he never even took her to a formal date, they hooked when they met), and doesnt really try with clothes(we all had a wedding, he didnt buy anything new because he already got some old pants and a shirt lol). They have their gripes(she told him about "date" stuff and that she would like him to try more, he would like her to be more "open" as she is quite closed and doesnt like to hang out with people that much) but they make it work. In their own way they love each other and are just fine together.

Anyway, I dont see it happening in your case. You would like somebody who would send you "good morning" texts and buy you flowers. That guy is not that. Not because he maybe doesnt love you(unless he just wants a roomate for the house he probably at least cares if he wants you to live together) but because, as my friend I mentioned, he is not like that. Doesnt try over you and frankly, does take you for granted. As he doesnt even want to try even when you say to him what you want. So yes, I would rethink selling your home for somebody like that. Especially since you username is literally "looking for more".

[Batya33]

What's the purpose of buying a home together and sharing living space? Do you have the same purpose - for example is it because you think it will strengthen your emotional commitment? Are there marriage plans? When? Why share living space before marriage or if  you're not going to marry then why? 

Do you buy him flowers? How much wine do you two consume and does it have to be the good stuff so to speak? I mean sure if you each have a glass or two over the weekend and use up a bottle that's one thing but if you're talking about a drinkfest every weekend that can get pricey.  Do you have things to do in your town that would be fun for him to do -and you're moving anyway in the next couple of months and you'll be showing the house I guess so why should he hang out there?

If you want to move to his town anyway I'd move and rent a place on your own.  I would not buy property with this person unless you marry.  It doesn't sound like you see yourself with him as his wife, as a forever person or like a marriage and as you know it's not a good idea to buy a house you might have to sell soon after.  And if he owns half imagine the complications.  

[Tinydance]

Well to me personally it doesn't actually sound that bad. I don't think he's not into you but I think he's not really understanding your love languages. It's clear your love languages are giving gifts and maybe words of affirmation. But more so the gifts, right?

I can totally relate to that because I love giving and getting gifts too and I love shopping. I give my close friends and family like 5 things for every special occasion. I start shopping for Christmas like 2 - 3 months in advance picking out the perfect presents for everyone close to me.

However what I've realised is that other people aren't really into gift giving. For example, some people will come to my Birthday and they don't actually even give me anything. Or a close friend gives me a small candle for Christmas and that's all. Some people just aren't really big gift givers. And yeah some people aren't into shopping and buying things. I think in particular men aren't really into shopping, that seems pretty common.

Where I think your boyfriend needs to pay more attention is that you've made it clear to him that you like flowers, presents and so on. I think he needs to do these things for you more because you've specifically expressed to him that you'd like that. Also I agree that he should come to your place too and buy the wine because relationships should be more or less 50/50 give and take. Not only one person always giving or doing more.

But I wouldn't necessarily say that he's not into you or really stingy. Some people just don't do certain things or they have a certain personality. For example, for Valentine's Day some people want to go out to a fancy restaurant or hotel and so on. But I actually know people who are a homebody and rather than doing that they prefer to just cook a nice meal and watch a movie at home. It doesn't mean they don't care about their partner but it's just their preference.

[smackie9]

Don't be buying anything together. I suspect he's taking advantage of this relationship to improve his impoverished lifestyle. Not convinced? I recommend living together first before committing to something you will have trouble getting out of if things go sideways. 

If you do invest in this property idea I would do an extensive credit and financial check on him, and hire a lawyer to draw up a contract. I bet money on it when you push for this, he's gonna get bent out of shape and say things like "you don't trust me?" "I thought you loved me..." I guarantee it. That's your cue to exit stage right. 

[moodindigo91]

To me, it sounds like you guys are incompatible. You have different "love languages" and the thing is, you can't change him. He shows love the way he shows love. And if that isn't the way you like to receive love, then you need to find someone who shows love in the way you like to receive it. 

He will never buy you flowers no matter how much you think you're hinting at it. He's not picking up what you're putting down, because it probably doesn't even occur to him to buy his woman flowers. He also strikes me as a man who just doesn't like to spend money on things he doesn't "need". My father is very much the same way. He never bought my mother flowers. Anniversary, Valentines Day, birthdays were all just cards for gifts. He bought her jewelry maybe once every 5-10 years. He made good money but wore clothes that were decades old with holes in them. He sees a lot of that kind of spending as unnecessary. He didn't start telling me he loved me until I started doing it, within the last couple of years (I'm in my early 30s).

So, long story short, this relationship should not be taken to the next level, and you should definitely not buy property together. I can see you being very unhappy and growing resentment over the course of the relationship, which never ends well. Just bow out and look for someone who speaks your love language. Let him find someone who will accept him for what he is so you can do the same! 

[DarkCh0c0]

14 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

You have different "love languages" and the thing is, you can't change him. He shows love the way he shows love. And if that isn't the way you like to receive love, then you need to find someone who shows love in the way you like to receive it.

I'm not sure it's purely a "love language" thing.

I think it's an effort issue as well. If you love someone, you go out of your way to show it. And, it sounds OP isn't getting any of that and is taken for granted.

[moodindigo91]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

If you love someone, you go out of your way to show it.

I disagree. I think this is what movies have taught us. But in real life, not everything is like so clear-cut. People show and receive love in different ways. Some people, especially men, tend to be emotionally stunted, for a variety of reasons. That doesn't mean they are incapable of loving, but they have difficulty expressing it. I also don't agree that loving someone necessarily means you have to go out of your way to "show" it. That's the ideal for most, but not the reality for most. Life's a bit more complicated than that. The object is for her to find someone who will show her love the way she likes to receive it and who likes to receive love in the ways she likes to give it. This guy clearly isn't very expressive and will probably never rise to the level of meeting her needs, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

[Batya33]

I think loving is giving. If you love someone you desire to give. That could include giving space or showing restraint. I was annoyed with my husband today and I felt like expressing my annoyance in an email. Not rudely but venting. Then I paused and realized he was at work and very busy. That I might feel  better venting over email but then I’d increase his stress and hamper his work. So I showed love by stopping to think how he might  feel receiving the email even though I’d feel better sending it. 

That is how I gave love today. I also did so by remembering to leave his socks out where he could find them when I went to sleep before he got home from a business trip. I am positive he appreciated those socks which he loves to wear when he sleeps much more than if I left him flowers. 

[Jaunty]

I agree about the love languages etc.  But I also think that the OP is probably not doing that well in her end of this relationship since she is keeping such a detailed accounting of grievances.  How can anything be enjoyable, romantic or spontaneous when one person is keeping track of who gave what like this?  

Generally speaking, if you're not feeling loved or contented, it's not good.  It doesn't really matter which person paid for the wine or whether you had to split the cost of a trip or not.

[Tinydance]

50 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think loving is giving. If you love someone you desire to give. That could include giving space or showing restraint. I was annoyed with my husband today and I felt like expressing my annoyance in an email. Not rudely but venting. Then I paused and realized he was at work and very busy. That I might feel  better venting over email but then I’d increase his stress and hamper his work. So I showed love by stopping to think how he might  feel receiving the email even though I’d feel better sending it. 

That is how I gave love today. I also did so by remembering to leave his socks out where he could find them when I went to sleep before he got home from a business trip. I am positive he appreciated those socks which he loves to wear when he sleeps much more than if I left him flowers. 

Well most of her post was actually about specifically giving gifts. She mentioned she wants to get flowers and that for Valentine's Day the cards and gifts were only "modest". I mean, he did give her something but I guess it was small?

As a big gift giver myself I definitely noticed that some people just aren't like that. It's just not them. Or there are also people that don't like shopping or are a bit clueless how to shop or what good gifts to get. My best friend hates shopping and in the past she's actually asked me to come shopping with her and push and help her to buy things. Some of my partners also asked me if I can help them shop for Christmas gifts for their family because they didn't really know where/what to buy. 

Also OP wrote that she would like flowers and hinted but I got the impression she just randomly wants flowers? Like, it's not for any special occasion? Some people just don't place value on material things or think about it. Especially if it's not for any particular reason. For example my ex-girlfriend, actually a  woman, was a big minimalist. She barely even bought anything for herself.

Where I think resentment can build in a relationship is where someone just doesn't reciprocate just spending money on basic things. For example buying the wine or driving to their partner. In my opinion though the gift giving is definitely more of a love language thing and not everyone actually has that love language.

I think also communication in a relationship is important. If you want something I think it's best to just clearly say it. Rather than hinting or just hoping your partner will understand what you want just on their own. I think there's nothing wrong with saying: "Next time you can buy the wine". Or coming over without the wine and saying: "Let's go to the store and get the wine together".

I mean, also when someone just keeps doing something all the time and not saying anything, the other person might not realise it's an issue. Like if she always comes with a bottle if wine and doesn't mention anything.

For example here in Australia you can get pretty cheap wine which is only $10. Maybe the boyfriend is of the mindset "She brought wine but I cooked dinner". Or "She stays at my place on weekends but I pay all the bills". 

I don't think everything necessarily always needs to be like: "I bought a wine, now that person needs to buy a wine". Usually what I do is I buy something, let's say a wine. Next time maybe my partner buys me a coffee or a snack or something. It should still be give and take for both people but I think not necessary to keep score of every single thing. 

In my case usually I'll give more gifts because I just really enjoy that. I don't expect the person to match my level of gift giving. I knew I'd be disappointed if I did so I don't mind. If I didn't like that I'm not getting as much back then I can just stop giving the gifts, but I actually really enjoy doing it. I have fun shopping for things people like because I love shopping.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

For example buying the wine or driving to their partner. In my opinion though the gift giving is definitely more of a love language thing and not everyone actually has that love language.

I'm not a fan at all of focusing on love languages as an excuse in this sort of situation.  Or in most situations but certainly not in this one.  

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not a fan at all of focusing on love languages as an excuse in this sort of situation.  Or in most situations but certainly not in this one.  

Well there's a difference between giving gifts and spending money on something. Gift giving is an extra kind of thing. Especially if it's not actually for a special occasion.

[Batya33]

Just now, Tinydance said:

Well there's a difference between giving gifts and spending money on something. Gift giving is an extra kind of thing. Especially if it's not actually for a special occasion.

My opinion is the gift giving thing is not the real issue here.  At all.  Which is why I didn't focus on it in my response.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

This guy clearly isn't very expressive and will probably never rise to the level of meeting her needs, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

Or he's taking her for granted. He could just have her around to get the gf benefits including buying a house with her which explains why OP is feeling inadequate. It could be that there isn't really any "love" from his end to express. And that's not unrealistic.

[tattoobunnie]

On 10/16/2022 at 11:24 PM, Lookingformore9 said:

he doesn't appreciate me. 

I stay with him on weekends...45 min drive.

he never buys me flowers despite me hinting about it several times

I’m always the one buying the wine for us. 

He is hoping I move in full time now but I’m not ready.

Any cards or gifts for my birthday or Valentine’s Day have been modest. 

Ummmm...yes, love is shown it's 1000x more.  With this guy, it's like watching paint dry.  He will never give you what you need, and he doesn't make you happy, nor is he a partner in life for you.  It's 95 you, and 5% him for effort.  SNORE!  

You can do 1000x better.  You are just use to him.

[moodindigo91]

13 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Or he's taking her for granted. He could just have her around to get the gf benefits including buying a house with her which explains why OP is feeling inadequate. It could be that there isn't really any "love" from his end to express. And that's not unrealistic.

Either way, this relationship ain't it! For either of them. 

[SooSad33]

Not sure how long you 2 have been involved? ( so, no comment re: buying a home together, though it does sound like a plan for your future- IF you truly feel this is worthy...).

As for you not 'feeling it'?  Is often a common thing, after the 'honeymoon phase', that things will settle down a fair bit and a couple continues on - feeling comfortable & it is successful.

BUT, if you are feeling that he's lacking, that's too bad 😕 .

Yes, men do not always get it ( re: you dropping hints).  If you want it, just say it.  They don't get the 'hints'. Be blunt! ( A good book I found was Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'... this explains a lot of our differences.

As for your 45 min travels, is there a reason he can't drive to you?  Re: the wine thing, I feel it's fine, since he buys the meals.

In ways, I feel you're not as 'happy' in this as you'd like to be.. but you both need to 'give a little'.  Do you not feel he's giving enough?

Either way, relationships are not always 'smooth going'.  Yeah, expect challenges & disappointments.  The thing is, do YOU feel this is good enough for YOU?