Best advice for an Awkward person

[Hexabyte]

Hi all,

 

I am a very awkward person, i never know how to start a conversation let alone continue one! Most of my dating is always on apps like Tinder. What tips do you guys have for someone like me? 

 

Cheers in advance 🙂

[moodindigo91]

Just be yourself! Everyone is a little awkward. Try not to think of yourself in that way, because it's really a subjective thing anyway. 

Often, I will use something visible about the person to strike up a conversation with them. Not just in dating, but with other women I often compliment their shoes, clothes, makeup, and ask them where they got this or that. For men, I will often do the same. "I like your watch, where did you get it?" 

Continuing conversations is really all question asking. I try to pretend like I'm interviewing people sometimes, but make it more natural. Ask them questions as they come up naturally in your conversations. Start out with basic ones "what kind of music do you like? do you have any siblings? what are your hobbies?" 

Good luck! 🙂

[Coily]

Greeting fellow awkward!

The best thing I can suggest is come up with a few leading questions, travel, family, hobbies; the sort of thing that can lead to bigger conversations. I tend to steer away from work topics, as you're on a date not hiring someone.

Also ask them questions that you have some experience in, that way you can have a good back and forth.

Best of luck, and don't worry some people find awkward adorable.

[Kwothe28]

Are you a guy or a girl? Because it matters on the apps like Tinder.

If you are a guy, best advice is to not use Tinder if you want to strike a conversation with girls. Some of them are bots, lots of them wont even respond no matter what you ask, and most of the ones that do would do with obligatory one note answers. You would hardly get a decent conversation and as you are ankward, that experience would only get you to retreat more within yourself.

Instead, I would suggest practicing your conversation skills on people in real life. Ask your neighbour how they are doing. Go to the store and ask the clerk something. Go to school or work and strike up a conversation with someone. Nobody is born with an ability to talk to people. Its a skill that we learn through life. With a little practice you can learn it too.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Hexabyte said:

Most of my dating is always on apps like Tinder.

How do you do that? 

This is not actual dating, is it?

Yah, I guess it's time to do it for real!  You talk to the person like you are on there.. as mentioned, be yourself!

In person, you smile 🙂 and say Hi.  Eye contact is good.. you suggest you go for a seat somewhere in public, I suggest for first meet up.

Work on getting to know them a bit.. don't over do it about 'yourself'.  You sit, you listen 😉 .

See IF you feel a good vibe....you can suggest you meet again- maybe like an actual date in the next week or so?

[Cherylyn]

People love nothing more than talking about themselves and having a great listener.  Don't talk about yourself hardly ever.  Ask the other person a ton of questions about their life, what they did,  where they went,  ask about their day, plans, what they bought, ask away, etc.  You will be well liked without having to say much.  It's an old trick I've since learned and honed.  You ought to try this strategy.   It works! 🙂

[Lambert]

Recognize that most people do have some awkwardness to them, too.

And they're so busy focusing on themselves, most of what your doing is under the radar anyway. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

Continuing conversations is really all question asking. I try to pretend like I'm interviewing people sometimes, but make it more natural. Ask them questions as they come up naturally in your conversations. Start out with basic ones "what kind of music do you like? do you have any siblings? what are your hobbies?" 

Yes and also do follow up questions. I met someone new today.  It was part of a planned activity for parents at my son's school to walk in the park together after drop off.  She shared with me where she'd lived previously, so I asked her what she thought of the area.  She mentioned something about her job so I asked a follow up question - (and also was careful not to pry/be too personal).  And also follow up not about "yourself" but to show you're interested and listening. 

So for example another parent told me about her line of work, I'd been involved in an issue in my line of work related to hers so I shared that -but again not trying to make it "about me" but to show her I related to her and to encourage her to share more about her line of work.  

Talk 20% of the time -make good eye contact, have open body language and also stay up on what's going on in the world so that if she brings up a topic that's current you will be able to interact and engage in conversation about it.  Are you well read? Even if you read fiction it's also fun to talk about books you're reading.  Do you travel or plan to? Another interesting topic. Etc.

[poorlittlefish]

Asking questions and having the other person reply without asking anything back soon gets very boring.  Someone who wants to talk only about themselves and not find anything out about the person they're supposedly interested in is the main reason I stop replying. 

Look at the profile, find something you have in common or you know little about, introduce yourself and ask about it.  Never send initial messages that say, "Hey!" or "Hi, gorgeous" - no effort gets no reply.  If the person continues to respond in a way that shows interest, then don't leave it too long to suggest meeting in person.  Again, I get tired of endless messaging that never actually leads to a date.

[mylolita]

Hey Hexabyte! 
 

As Morrissey once said,

 

“Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life that you'd like to. " 

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being awkward, or shy, or stand offish at all! You should never try to change yourself to fit into perceived moulds or how you think people would prefer you, because that way, you will miss out on the people who would have loved and liked you for you, just as you are, now! 
 

If you’re a little shy, feeling a little self conscious, I would get involved in groups and activities where other shy people tend to mingle! I have noticed a lot of people who are into things like Warhammer meet up, create clubs, find their own niches there. I used to walk past a very quirky tiny cafe that hosted three times a week a WarHammer club and it was filled with unusual people looking about between 17-25. They all looked slightly awkward and they all looked slightly shy but it also looked like they had found their group of friends and little niche! I am sure there was plenty of dating potential there too! 
 

Walking groups can be like that sometimes, or groups for solitary acts like reading - book clubs, writing clubs, art clubs - often full of accepting, non-judgemental arty types who are normally a little more reserved and a little more understanding. A great place to meet friends and potential partners.

 

I’m not sure what hobbies you are into - but for me; anything that gets you out and away from hiding behind the security of the internet screen is a massive push forward, especially if you want to get out there and maybe shed a bit of the awkwardness around meeting and talking to new people! The more you do it, the more experience you gather, like a stone rolling through moss. It really is the only way to become more confident socially and also just, enjoy yourself and meet like minded people! 
 

My suggestion when it comes to social situations if you want to go down that route is, honestly, take your cues from the other person. That is the absolute best way for natural and effortless exchange. It’s easier said than done, it’s actually a bit of an uncelebrated art form I think!

 

Let me try to explain dear OP! It is generally true, people need to be asked questions in order for you to discuss or find anything out about them, but most people offer information up in free flowing conversation anyway. And also it is good to remember, like yourself, not everyone is comfortable being passed the conversation torch and talking about themselves and having someone listen - some very awkward, shy people like to do most the listening naturally, and appreciate someone taking the reigns more and leading the convo. 
 

My tip is this, as a social butterfly party hosting schmoozy extroverted annoying type who gets their energy mostly from anything social (HA!), that if your new buddy seems shy, it’s okay, and if they seem confident, it’s okay! It’s all okay. There is no technically right or correct way to be here - you just be yourself. 
 

When you see someone new, what is your first instinct? Hi? That’s a great place to start, seriously. I have always impulsively said “Hey! How are you doin’?” And, I realise people find this normally a dead in the water question because 99% of people say “fine” and then tumble weed but I use that question to kind of judge their vibe. Do they reply “Okay” in a downbeat kind of way? Do they say “Alright!” All chipper? Do they give you more of an exaggerated answer telling you about how their day is going or what they are doing? I always use it as a gauge and then they always ask me and I normally go on from there… so instead of me saying “Okay alright or fine” judging on how they responded I will say, “Not too shabby! Just trying to not have the kids drag me across the road.” Or “Keeping on! This wind though?!” Or anything. It’s normally a half joke. Sometimes I will even follow up my own response with a question that is genuine, like, “I think I have seen you around here? We only moved here last November so I’m just getting my bearings” and you’d be surprised how people just open up and you’re talking for half an hour in the street. 
 

I know this approach takes some maybe quick mental thinking on your feet. I find it’s a developed skill maybe most people don’t realise they have. I guess it comes after time after time of cold approaching people, meaning strangers.

 

In those above scenarios I might ask them if they live here, or comment on their cute dog and ask how old or what type of breed, say something half funny again if you are a jokey type, keep the ball rolling. Openly tell them, sorry, I don’t do this much, I always feel kinda shy. You won’t believe how this softens people. They might say hey I feel shy too! You could go on to speak about a hit of your feelings or troubles dating, or say well I’ve tried Tinder, you ever been on Tinder? It just evolves. I find I actually almost always do most the talking but it feels evenly back and forth at the same time. 
 

I guess, my approach to meeting new people and talking is not terror but fun, it really is! I am thinking, this is a chance to meet someone potentially really nice, really cool, really great. I might get to know something here I never knew! I am genuinely interested and I am absolutely enjoying the thrill of meeting someone new! 
 

It helps to look at every single person as a potential treasure trove. Really! They really are! And try not think they are going to be judging you. They are probably pre-occupied you are judging them! It’s a great opportunity meeting new people, a real treat! 
 

Sorry for the long response… but as another observation, I have found above all, people want meaningful, authentic interactions. They don’t want to feel like you are going through calculated motions you do for everyone else. People can pick up in that stuff quite well I think. They want honesty. It takes courage to be yourself, it’s honest, it’s authentic. Say what comes into your mind. Be yourself. People can feel that, appreciate it. So what if what comes out is perceived as awkward? It’s okay! Maybe a lot of what comes out of mu mouth is perceived as too forward, but I haven’t had many people kick me to the curb yet, and the best part is, I don’t mind anyway! I am just being myself! You will have your own quieter, more shy but sweet and lovely gentle communicating style right there already. It will develop and get easier for you to discover it the more practice you get, just like anyone else.

 

It’s refreshing and amazing to anyone when someone is content enough within themselves to be themselves, be that awkward and shy or outgoing and bantering, it makes no difference. The main thing is you are not berating and apologising for yourself dear OP! 
 

Pop yourself out there, find a group of people you are maybe comfortable with! Go from there. Say whatever comes to mind. If nothing comes to mind, don’t worry. Chances are the other person might take over. If they don’t, don’t worry! You will learn and find your own style the more people you chat with and meet.

 

The main thing is that you are enjoying yourself in some way. 
 

It’s quite amazing how if someone opposite you is easy with themselves and kind of, taking it as it comes, how easy and free it makes the other person. It almost rubs off on that person and creates beautiful, authentic, natural conversation.

 

I can’t remember the last time I had a “run of the mill how’s your mother” convo and that‘s why I go with my own flow! I don’t want that so I don’t edge myself that way! You will find your own niche, I promise! 

 

I have found every single exchange I have with anyone, and man, there have been thousands and thousands, has been completely unique. You can’t really cookie cut for everyone. You have to throw away that script, you really do, and go with it. I know it sounds abstract and unhelpful but, I find that is the best way.

 

There is no right or wrong when it comes to conversation or dating conversation, I find it’s all the same. The key is, you want to get each other comfortable with each other. Some people warm up faster than others. Remember, not everyone will be your cup of tea or vice versa - never take this personally, it’s a fact of life.

 

If you go on a date and they don’t like you, well think their loss and it would never have worked out anyway! Glad I cut my losses sooner rather than later! If an exchange doesn’t go well with a new friend or potential partner, it’s okay too. It’s all practice and all fun. 
 

New experiences are great! Dating is exciting! You will learn something from every interaction, be it good or bad, it will all benefit you Hex! You’ll just be gathering you that real life, “in the field” experience! You can’t get it any other way! I don’t think you can get it over screens and dating sites.

 

All the best of luck dating and chatting, but you don’t need it!

 

PS - I am sorry I gabbed on. I might be a little enthusiastic 🥲🤣 BUT IT’S OKAY! 

 

x

 

 

[mylolita]

16 hours ago, Coily said:

Greeting fellow awkward!

The best thing I can suggest is come up with a few leading questions, travel, family, hobbies; the sort of thing that can lead to bigger conversations. I tend to steer away from work topics, as you're on a date not hiring someone.

Also ask them questions that you have some experience in, that way you can have a good back and forth.

Best of luck, and don't worry some people find awkward adorable.

YES! I love collecting adorable awkward shy cuties!!!! They make THE BEST FRIENDS!

 

Signed,

 

Mega extrovert!

 

x

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

YES! I love collecting adorable awkward shy cuties!!!! They make THE BEST FRIENDS!

 

Signed,

 

Mega extrovert!

 

x

Same although I wouldn't quite put it that way but very cute!! Shy and quiet/introverted people tend to feel very comfortable around me and open up to me faster than "average".  You know "still waters run deep".  

I love what you wrote above about -get away from the screen and be with people -massive step forward. I am not shy but did get complacent and more screen focused during the pandemic - I accommodated by reading more books (when socializing in person wasn't realistic) but my son's new school has a biweekly "parent walk" in the park across the street which is also the park across my street. It's inconvenient for me to go at that time but I've been making myself. I went on my third yesterday. 

The first led to one of the moms inviting me to walk with her one day after drop off which I did. 

OP - the activity of walking alongside people erases so much of the awkwardness -you don't have to talk, it doesn't look odd if you're not -because you're just walking together.  In this particular group, we introduce ourselves briefly at the beginning and then we're encouraged to walk with people we don't yet know depending on the size of the group.  But it's not anymore "pushy" than that. 

I'd see if there are walking or hiking groups like that in your area maybe through meetup.