Bad gut feeling

[Lol36]

Hi all

looking to see if anyone can relate or tell me I’m dumb. This might end up long , so I apologize.

I’ve been married 15 years, 2 kids 5m and 1f.

I just recently started my period again after 2 years. Might be worth mentioning that.

i suddnlenly, about a week ago started getting these very intense gut feelings that my husband is going to divorce me.

Nothing significant is happening, or happened. We haven’t had a big fight, and we get on really well, still laugh etc.

Maybe our life has become a little boring due to kids, we don’t do all that much but I’m content with it. My concern is that he isn’t. Maybe he’s become bored of me, maybe He wants someone more fun? That seems to be the thing I go back to. Im not fun enough, he wants something better.

I have this intense feeling that he is going to ask for divorce when we get back from a trip we have booked in a couple of weeks.

I’ve asked him a couple of times if he’s ok, if we’re ok or if I’ve been irritating him lately because he’s come home from work just a couple of times grumpy.

he says no, I joke and ask if he’s gonna divorce me and he says no.

I don’t want to keep asking or talking about it cos that’s not attractive right? Lol

he isn’t the type to talk about emotions, If I have ever cried he has never once comforted me, he just doesn’t and he isn’t like that. So any deep conversation won’t happen.

am I being super paranoid? Do I just need to wait and see?

I don’t think he’s cheating, I mean who really knows for sure I guess, but I really don’t think he is.

he’s such an amazing person, he’s kind and funny, handsome and generous and such a hard worker. I SAH with the kids, and if he wanted a divorce I’d understand, I wouldn’t want to try to hold onto him if he doesn’t love me anymore, because we would both deserve to be loved. 
but I just don’t know. any advice?

thanks so much 

 

(sorry for poor grammar and autocorrect didn’t put caps and I gave up!)

[Kwothe28]

I dont think there  is a reason to be ruminating about divorce. OK, you are in the stage where you lead "boring married life", lots of couples go through that. Try reinvigorating your married life a bit. Get sitter for kids. Go to dinner together. Do something just for you two.

[Coily]

Welcome to ENA.

Firstly I'd suggest you stop asking him regularly about the state of the relationship, this may inadvertently put ideas in his head that will negatively impact your marriage.

With such young kids; have the two of you really spent any time bonding? Like a date night, or weekend away? Yes being parents is a super tough job, but some people put their marriage on the hold and focus just on the kids. Might be time to get a baby sitter and have a romantic evening with your husband.

The BIG thing is you're content with "doing nothing," it sounds like your husband is feeling a little neglected. Seems that he needs some time as a husband and not just dad.

Overall, I think you are hyper focused on this idea, and may make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I don't think there is anything in this post to suggest that you husband is anything but over-worked and needs some time with his wife.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lol36 said:

he’s such an amazing person, he’s kind and funny, handsome and generous and such a hard worker. I SAH with the kids, and if he wanted a divorce I’d understand, I wouldn’t want to try to hold onto him if he doesn’t love me anymore

Sorry this is happening. How old is your husband? Do you plan on going back to work?

Beside him being quiet and feeling in a rut, is there anything else wrong? How long have you felt this way?

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about your female issues as well as possible postpartum depression. Discuss feeling of worthlessness, guilt, etc. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support?

After you clear up any physical or mental health issues, stop asking him if he's ok, etc. Check your credit score and credit cards and bank accounts. Does everything add up?  

[Cherylyn]

With all due respect, you sound paranoid and insecure indeed.  I'm sorry.  You are a harried mother of very young children,  stressed and creating unnecessary drama for your marriage.  Stop harping on the divorce subject otherwise it could very well backfire and you'll irritate your husband to no end. 😡 If you keep threatening him with thoughts of divorce in the future,  he won't want to be with you anymore.  Stop provoking and inciting unnecessary arguments and fights.  You'll alienate him and push him away and do you want this? 

Learn to appreciate him for being a hard worker and primary breadwinner provider so you can stay home and watch your children grow up.  You are incredibly fortunate.  Count your blessings.  Most mothers are employed and must work.  They don't get to stay home and be there for their children.  There is no choice to stay home.  There are bills to pay in order to survive.  Two incomes are required in order to stay afloat. 

You don't realize how many millions of fathers easily left the mother of their children,  never paid child support and were absent as a father and partner for life.  Since this is not your situation,  thank your lucky stars that you have a good man who is responsible and does the right thing.  What you have is priceless. 

Of course,  he comes home grumpy.  What do you expect?  He's exhausted!  Have empathy.  I'm exhausted when I come home from work,  I'm a mother of two children and the last thing I want to hear is a nag,  a spouse whining and complaining that divorce is imminent.  Stop acting crazy.  If you want to make yourself attractive,  be quiet.  Say something kind.  Have a delicious dinner to eat with your husband and let him unwind after a long day at work.  Be supportive.  Stop being a drag. 

There is nothing to wait and see.  Even though you're a harried mother and you and your husband are very busy parents,  be grateful for healthy children,  appreciate your young family life every second no matter how hectic daily life is because someday you'll miss it.  Long days,  short years as my mother used to say and how true it is. 

My advice is to change the way you think.  Learn the definition of gratitude.  Embrace gratitude,  concentrate and focus on being a good (great) mother and devoted wife.  Be extremely grateful for everything.  According to your description,  your husband sounds like a good,  honorable man. 

If your life is boring,  do something.  Perhaps a picnic at a local park weather permitting.  Take walks together.  Exercise will make you a more positive person.  Stop being a 'Negative Nellie.'  (Negative person who is all doom and gloom.)  Or, perhaps do an occasional date night.  Do you have local relatives who could watch your children for a few hours?  Or, a trusted, experienced friend, neighbor-mother?  Perhaps you can barter babysitting services with someone whom you can trust intuitively.

If you want to make yourself more attractive,  stop being unpleasant.  Take care of your health so you'll glow.  Push a stroller and take walks.  Get busier.  Join mother clubs in your local community.  Have outlets.  Push strollers together.  That's what I did.  We met at local parks, brought picnic lunches, children played, mothers chatted, we built friendships, enjoyed camaraderie and it was wonderful.  And, don't rely on social media only.  In fact, back off from social media because in person friendships are by far the best.  Build in person friendships.  No excuses.  Get a life outside your home life.  Make yourself more interesting. 

I remember building friendships with mothers and often times families would congregate for birthday parties, outings, husbands became acquainted and there was a swirl of great friends. 

Or, if you're faith based,  join your local church.  There are loads to do there in addition to worship.  There are a ton of family activities,  activities for women,  men,  collectively,  for children,  all of it. 

Take up a small, non time-consuming hobby.  It doesn't have to be an overwhelming hobby.  Small projects do not take a lot of time. 

Enjoy your upcoming vacation and relax.  Have a good time. 

Become a more grateful,  positive person.  Then you will be happy.  🙂

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

Welcome! It's not uncommon for SAH moms to fall into a pattern of rumination. How much time do you spend outside the home, building relationships with other parents in play groups or activities?

Sounds as though you can use some adult contacts and sounding boards.

Also, double dating with other couples would put you both on your most charming behavior, and that's often how couples can renew their attraction to one another and remind themselves how much they can enjoy viewing their partner through a social lens.

Consider reaching out to your OB for a referral to a parenting group and also a therapist who can address feelings of isolation in your marriage.

Write more if it helps, and take small steps every day toward ways to feel less lonely.

[Batya33]

Adding to the rest of the comments- is it possible you had or have post partum anxiety or post partum depression.  Also did you want to be a full time mom at home? Whose idea was that? Do you have your own assets/savings? How do you feel about your financial situation? I was home full time for 7 years and loved it for the most part.  No regrets.  But I was older when I started - 42 -and I had my own nest egg and felt and was financially independent so I also contributed from my savings to our family income because I wanted to.  It helped me actually psychologically!  I know not everyone can do that.  

[SooSad33]

What is causing you to think this way?  Is he acting out of character lately?

You need to remember how to 'keep the fire burning' if possible.  Can you two get out for a few hrs a week or month, as couple's do need!

Or take walks together or with kids.. to the park, around the block.  Get out of the house & get some air...etc.

 

[moodindigo91]

On 10/13/2022 at 5:39 AM, Lol36 said:

I’ve asked him a couple of times if he’s ok, if we’re ok or if I’ve been irritating him lately because he’s come home from work just a couple of times grumpy.

he says no, I joke and ask if he’s gonna divorce me and he says no.

I don’t want to keep asking or talking about it cos that’s not attractive right? Lol

Yes, as you implied and others said, continuously asking about whether he wants to divorce you is likely just going to create problems in your relationship that weren't there to begin with. If he comes home from work grumpy, wouldn't it make more sense that he's grumpy due to work? 

Hopefully you are carrying your weight in the relationship at home, etc. 

On 10/13/2022 at 5:39 AM, Lol36 said:

he’s such an amazing person, he’s kind and funny, handsome and generous and such a hard worker. I SAH with the kids, and if he wanted a divorce I’d understand, I wouldn’t want to try to hold onto him if he doesn’t love me anymore, because we would both deserve to be loved. 

This is interesting to me. If your husband wanted a divorce, you would understand and just let him go? That doesn't sound like a very happily married woman to me. Are YOU actually the one who might want a divorce? 

You say you recently started your period again after 2 years? Was that because you were pregnant most of that time? Perhaps some hormonal issues? 

I think it might be worth it for you to see a therapist to talk about what you're thinking/feeling. 

[Tiddytok5]

Divorce.