No Contact at the Same College

[turtleear]

I don’t understand how I’m supposed to manage this. We both go to the same college, he broke up with me in January but it was drawn out to May with lots of hurt feeling and false promises (really just on his side for the promises). I suggested not talking for the summer and then we got back and he never reached out. I take this as a sign that he’s not ready to start confronting our situation again, which I understand and accept, but I don’t know what incentive he WOULD have for actually reaching out. Especially since I can’t not contact him that successfully, I see him all over and sometimes I have to run away when that happens because I’ll get a panic attack and stuff. I think he thinks I’m doing well but I don’t know how to navigate this situation in a way that will lead to him trying to resolve things with me, which is something I want for my mental health’s sake since we’re friends with all the same people and it’s hard to have to avoid everyone when he’s around/leave the big group chat. My ex is fearful avoidant attachment if that helps, and he truly loved and cared about me but has not been able to hold himself accountable for his wrongdoings and blames me for everything. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, turtleear said:

 I see him all over and sometimes I have to run away when that happens because I’ll get a panic attack and stuff.

Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in sports and fitness. Take some extra classes. Get a part time job. Make friends. Walk around campus with people and new friends. Smile, be friendly and just be busy and ignore him.

Start talking to and dating guys. You can't change that he goes there but you can be so busy with new interests friends and guys that you don't care. Of course, delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, turtleear said:

My ex is fearful avoidant attachment if that helps

It really doesnt matter what he is. Nore why he pursues you again. All that it matters is that he wont be with you and wont commit. That is all you need to know and to move on from that.

When you see him be cordial. Otherwise just ignore him. In time you will be able to accept completely that its over and move on. But it would never happen if you indulge his behaviors when he contacts you with false promises and such. 

[Andrina]

On again, off again relationships mean its a relationship that isn't right for you, so see it as a positive thing that you two don't get back together. This leaves you free to be available when someone who's a better match comes along.

For now, fake it until you make it, which means that when you see him on campus, smile and think of something pleasant. It doesn't mean that you're smiling at him. It just means you will be replacing all this drama you're presently creating by working yourself up into a panic attack. It's like that Pavlov dog experiment (look it up if you don't know about it). You're training your brain to go into a frenzy at the sight of him.

Minimalize it in your mind. He's just another student and it didn't work out. And if all of a sudden you come face to face, treat him like you would any other student with a brief wave and smile.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, turtleear said:

he broke up with me in January but it was drawn out to May with lots of hurt feeling and false promises (really just on his side for the promises). I suggested not talking for the summer and then we got back and he never reached out. I take this as a sign that he’s not ready to start confronting our situation again

How do you mean confronting your situation again?  You mean YOU want more clarity or something?  .. Why?

If it's done now, it's done... right?

You split up earlier in the year and then had it drag out into May?   😕 Yeah, no more.

In order to work on accepting, healing & moving on with your life, is best to remain No Contact from here on in.

Expect no more and you just need to keep at it.  Do your own things and have no more to do with him.. No expectations.

 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, turtleear said:

I don’t know how to navigate this situation in a way that will lead to him trying to resolve things with me, which is something I want for my mental health’s sake

Here's the shortcut for your mental health: accept that you can't 'navigate' anyone into wanting what they don't want.

You can be polite and civil whenever your paths cross without him doing anything.

We all go though this during school if we break up with someone who shares our campus, and you're right--it sucks. But the reality is that he's done--and you can be done, too.

It's a decision.

Choose wisely, and don't waste any more of your valuable focus on him.

Head high.

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, turtleear said:

I don’t know how to navigate this situation in a way that will lead to him trying to resolve things with me

What is there to resolve?

Kindly, you broke up many months ago. It's up to you now to manage your pain and heal. He doesn't and shouldn't need to be part of that equation. I doubt there is anything left to talk about with him, and nothing left to "confront," so to speak. It sounds like you've been waiting around for him to approach you, but it is quite evident that he doesn't intend to do that. In his mind, the relationship has been over for a while and it's already a closed door. 

Be civil when you see him, but take it upon yourself to heal and find closure. Don't expect him to be part of that.