Struggling with insecurity and fear

[TheG]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All the more reason you dodged a bullet. She seems high on herself.

Yea well thank God for my intuition. Could have been seriously hurt 😞

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, TheG said:

Yea well thank God for my intuition. Could have been seriously hurt 😞

Unfortunately, you were hurt, and you did that to yourself.

You may want to consider how many of your future dates will 'understand' being accused of disloyalty--at 4 dates, or at ANY time.

If you believe that you are incapable of respecting the character of people who enjoy multi-dating, you may want to tell potential dates up front that you only want to date women who will date only you, and nobody else.

While this will severely reduce your dating pool, it's not impossible to find takers. There are people who only like to date one person at a time, although most don't like to feel strong-armed into it. Just make such expectations known to them before dating, and then you can ditch the whole detective thing to try to figure out where they stand along the way.

Head high, we all learn from living.

[TheG]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Unfortunately, you were hurt, and you did that to yourself.

You may want to consider how many of your future dates will 'understand' being accused of disloyalty--at 4 dates, or at ANY time.

If you believe that you are incapable of respecting the character of people who enjoy multi-dating, you may want to tell potential dates up front that you only want to date women who will date only you, and nobody else.

While this will severely reduce your dating pool, it's not impossible to find takers. There are people who only like to date one person at a time, although most don't like to feel strong-armed into it. Just make such expectations known to them before dating, and then you can ditch the whole detective thing to try to figure out where they stand along the way.

Head high, we all learn from living.

but i would have approached the relationship differently if she told me she was seeing other guys. I asked her and she said shes not seeing other guys early on

So the last time I saw her I showed her my new phone and she said shes going to get the exact same phone so we can be "twins". Lo behold today she did indeed get the exact same phone and she made sure that I see so. But in trying to make me see the post I ended up seeing a post I wasnt supposed to. The catch is that it is another guy who bought her the phone, and she refered to him as my love 

everytime i think of this situation its changing from disappointment to anger. like how could she act so lovey dovey all this time? why ? how were my judgements soo off about her initially. she seemed so nice. Im actually glad i approached her about it directly now, early on. She doesnt even know that i now know the truth and I won't confront her. Im sure shes been thinking to herself how the hell I blew her cover. I really wonder what she wanted from me,

 

[catfeeder]

6 minutes ago, TheG said:

but i would have approached the relationship differently if she told me she was seeing other guys. I asked her and she said shes not seeing other guys early on

Yeah, that's a slippery one. I can say that I'm not seeing anyone else right now, but that doesn't mean I won't stumble into meeting someone else worth dating this weekend.

So the question becomes, why do you feel a need to be so territorial so early?

Why not just assume that everyone multi-dates and figure out why you can't be okay with that?

I'm not trying to point you in either direction, I'm questioning why you'd choose a path that makes you feel so miserable and insecure.

Can you maybe work with a counselor or therapist or coach to help you stop spinning yourself out over who-dates-whom while you're just getting to know a person?

[boltnrun]

She's very young. She's testing her newfound adulthood and dating experiences.

Look, I did some cringey  things when I was young. I remember making out with a guy who I knew had a crush on me when I was 19. I didn't like him THAT way but I liked that he liked me. I was insecure because I'd been an ugly duckling as an child and wasn't used to guys thinking I was cute. I hope I didn't hurt him ☹️

She probably didn't have malicious intentions. But this is when you have to be your own best advocate. No way could she "love" you after four dates and some messages. Try to balance your excitement with some realism next time and you'll do well.

[TheG]

I dont think i would have been territorial if she hadnt encouraged that territorial behaviour early on but yeah. It something to think about

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, TheG said:

I dont think i would have been territorial if she hadnt encouraged that territorial behaviour early on but yeah. It something to think about

Always own your choices.  No one can "encourage" you to act territorial in the sense of you saying then you acted that way because of the encouragement.  You acted that way because you chose it.  It will serve you well in dating and any other relationships to take full responsibility for your choices.  If someone encourages you to act territorial and you do not wish to another option is to choose to walk away, etc. 

[TheG]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Always own your choices.  No one can "encourage" you to act territorial in the sense of you saying then you acted that way because of the encouragement.  You acted that way because you chose it.  It will serve you well in dating and any other relationships to take full responsibility for your choices.  If someone encourages you to act territorial and you do not wish to another option is to choose to walk away, etc. 

Yea true. In conclusion, I got carried away 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

At the risk of over-generalizing about people, I'll just add that I think you may find yourself better suited with someone a bit older. This woman is just dipping her toes into her 20s, as was the last woman you wrote about, which is to say she was just a teenager. Put in that context, none of what you've outlined about her is particularly shocking.

You, on the other hand, are on the doorstep of 30. That's a real gap in life experience. Not saying there aren't plenty of mature people at 22, and immature ones at 32 and 52, but this stuff you're describing here—insta-love, phone twinsies, and so forth—is often the stuff that starts burning off around age 25.

Food for thought, to chew on as you see fit. 

[TheG]

29 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

At the risk of over-generalizing about people, I'll just add that I think you may find yourself better suited with someone a bit older. This woman is just dipping her toes into her 20s, as was the last woman you wrote about, which is to say she was just a teenager. Put in that context, none of what you've outlined about her is particularly shocking.

You, on the other hand, are on the doorstep of 30. That's a real gap in life experience. Not saying there aren't plenty of mature people at 22, and immature ones at 32 and 52, but this stuff you're describing here—insta-love, phone twinsies, and so forth—is often the stuff that starts burning off around age 25.

Food for thought, to chew on as you see fit. 

Yes. Thank you for the advice. Back to the drawing board, there are plenty of fish in the sea...