Update: I think that’s us finally over

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I am feeling guilty though because I was being mothering towards him asking him why he was out with his friends until 3am.

That's not being mothering or parenting.  It's being controlling.  Controlling is not good parenting -even when a child is young and the adult has to be in control a well-intentioned parent does his best to not micromanage a child.  You are not his parent and he on his end doesn't want to be in a relationship with you which involves him having to check in with you about his social life when he is not with you.  Perhaps from his perspective he promised not to date anyone else or look to date anyone else but his boundary is otherwise he doesn't want to be in the sort of relationship where his life when he is not with you is none of your business. 

It wouldn't work for me personally -I prefer two adults who desire to be together and desire to share with each other when they're making plans elsehwere - social plans, professional plans, family plans etc. 

Couples who want to be together and respect each other volunteer this sort of information because they like to do so and sometimes out of respect.

  Yesterday my husband said "ok I have a call I need to get on now" because we are parents and even though our son is 13 it's nice of him to let me know that he needs to disappear for awhile like if my son needs help with a computer thing, etc. 

I do NOT call him when he is out with a friend or colleague other than a real emergency.  I want him to feel like it's his time, his space and he's not being monitored.  He texted me a couple of times once when I spent 25 minutes at Target while we were on vacation instead of the 15 he thought it should take.  After I tol him - no - I need to be able to go into a store for 25 minutes and -gasp-use the bathroom without getting multiple texts.  Couples do have to remind each other about personal boundaries. 

You and your boyfriend had a very unhealthy dynamic if you're interrogating him about his social life and dismissing it as being "mothering" -you wouldn't be doing that if you trusted him, you wouldn't be doing that if he communicated with you -oh I'm going out on ___ night and won't be home till very late -I didn't want you to worry.  

[Redyroo]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's not being mothering or parenting.  It's being controlling.  Controlling is not good parenting -even when a child is young and the adult has to be in control a well-intentioned parent does his best to not micromanage a child.  You are not his parent and he on his end doesn't want to be in a relationship with you which involves him having to check in with you about his social life when he is not with you.  Perhaps from his perspective he promised not to date anyone else or look to date anyone else but his boundary is otherwise he doesn't want to be in the sort of relationship where his life when he is not with you is none of your business. 

It wouldn't work for me personally -I prefer two adults who desire to be together and desire to share with each other when they're making plans elsehwere - social plans, professional plans, family plans etc. 

Couples who want to be together and respect each other volunteer this sort of information because they like to do so and sometimes out of respect.

  Yesterday my husband said "ok I have a call I need to get on now" because we are parents and even though our son is 13 it's nice of him to let me know that he needs to disappear for awhile like if my son needs help with a computer thing, etc. 

I do NOT call him when he is out with a friend or colleague other than a real emergency.  I want him to feel like it's his time, his space and he's not being monitored.  He texted me a couple of times once when I spent 25 minutes at Target while we were on vacation instead of the 15 he thought it should take.  After I tol him - no - I need to be able to go into a store for 25 minutes and -gasp-use the bathroom without getting multiple texts.  Couples do have to remind each other about personal boundaries. 

You and your boyfriend had a very unhealthy dynamic if you're interrogating him about his social life and dismissing it as being "mothering" -you wouldn't be doing that if you trusted him, you wouldn't be doing that if he communicated with you -oh I'm going out on ___ night and won't be home till very late -I didn't want you to worry.  

Exactly, it was him who said I was being the mother. Hence why I know i’m in the wrong and I really just want another chance to do right 😭

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

Exactly, it was him who said I was being the mother. Hence why I know i’m in the wrong and I really just want another chance to do right 😭

Sounds like you both have given this many chances and the number of chances, the number of breaks, have taken their toll.  

[Redyroo]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds like you both have given this many chances and the number of chances, the number of breaks, have taken their toll.  

Yeah exactly, hence why i’m feeling just so f*cking heartbroken and defeated. He’s given me many chances. I just really want another chance but I also understand where he is coming from. If you love someone you need to let them go and I don’t wanna. It’s clearly attachment 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I really just want another chance to do right

With a man who respects and cares for you, you don't have to beg to be with them or resort to nagging or controlling behaviors.

When you stop chasing unavailable jerks you'll feel a lot better. Try to view this as a blessing. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

Yeah exactly, hence why i’m feeling just so f*cking heartbroken and defeated. He’s given me many chances. I just really want another chance but I also understand where he is coming from. If you love someone you need to let them go and I don’t wanna. It’s clearly attachment 

It doesn't matter the label  - you simply don't feel like doing what is hard to do.  Human condition.  Typical.  Oh well -you still have to do it.  You have loving feelings and you also do not trust him.  Without trust loving feelings are not enough.  

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Redyroo said:

Exactly, it was him who said I was being the mother. Hence why I know i’m in the wrong and I really just want another chance to do right 😭

It’s better to wean yourself off of that. Just stop that addiction needing him or wanting to “do right”. It’s over. It didn’t work and it’s ok to let go. Keep telling yourself that. If you want to do right, drop the need for his approval.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Redyroo said:

He’s never asked for a break before

He's converted you through duress, proselytizing, empty promises and other tactics, so he can move on to his next flirt-to-convert recruit.

He used you. Admit that to yourself. And here you are praying to his god (without him) and abandoning  your own support systems, beliefs and values. Complete mind-F. He is Not a good man. At All.

[SooSad33]

From all I've read, has been quite a rough go for you for a while.. 😕 .

I know.. it hurts.  Always does 😞 .

But comes a point when we just know... nothing more can be said or done.

In time, you WILL come to see and accept why it's come to this.  The continous arguments, the pulling away ( from your end, then his), etc.  LIke I said.. in time.

You will go through the 'grieving' process for a good while ( denial, hurt, anger, etc- until you can reach acceptance).

You will need to learn how to be as one again.  ( Okay on your own).  Is something we need to learn to do.  Learn how to go out there and do our own things again.  And not expect him to call or for him to be there waiting for you...

Something I felt helpful was to Journal.  Write all you want in there ( or wordpad) and just keep writing!  Every time you want to reach out, grab your journal.  Is a good release.. Another thing I found helpful was making a list.. Although you do remember 'all of the good' you had with him... remind yourself of all of the bad.  Is common for us to reach back to find all the good memories- because we miss them 😕 . ( It's all a process).

As for your anxiety- any way you can speak to your doctor?  Mine hit extreme for a good while & I was put on something for a good year + .  I could not function much at all 😕 .

Also, learn some 'grounding techniques' and deep breathing ( to calm your system down), meditation etc. Make yourself get out there for some air... Try to get your rest.  Sleepy time tea before bed and have on a good show ( nothing negative or scary etc).  Is sooo easy to lose yourself in this at this time- because you ARE hurting.  So, you need to be easy on yourself as you work through it all. You are emotionally invested in this guy- so it normal to feel all of this for a while.

 

Meanwhile, you will feel the withdrawls.  You will yearn to hear his voice etc.  BUT, you have to fight all of that.  Over time, you'll realize he is not the first thing you think about when you wake up.  So much better!

Is the process of starting over.  And in time you will be okay!  been there a few times 😉 .

One day at a time.. take it easy.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Redyroo said:

I really just want another chance to do right

How many chances have you given him to treat you better?

Look, it doesn't matter what you say or do. This guy just find whatever reason to act annoyed and make you feel lousy about wanting to be treated better.

Why is that enough for you?

You want another chance to do what, exactly? Squelch yourself and settle for being treated like a tool?

[Rose Mosse]

16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You will need to learn how to be as one again.  ( Okay on your own).  Is something we need to learn to do.  Learn how to go out there and do our own things again.

I agree very much with SooSad’s post in its entirety, especially this section here. 

I also want to mention I journaled daily, almost furiously, while I was separated and even after the divorce a year later and it helped a great deal in organizing thoughts and seeing where I needed to make changes. Two years later I try to get at least one journal entry each week, usually on Sundays. It helps me track my progress and where I’m at and also check in with myself about where I am versus where I’d like to be.

As was also mentioned it’s a grieving process so be kind with yourself too while you change those parts of yourself you want to see changes in and move forward.

[Redyroo]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

From all I've read, has been quite a rough go for you for a while.. 😕 .

I know.. it hurts.  Always does 😞 .

But comes a point when we just know... nothing more can be said or done.

In time, you WILL come to see and accept why it's come to this.  The continous arguments, the pulling away ( from your end, then his), etc.  LIke I said.. in time.

You will go through the 'grieving' process for a good while ( denial, hurt, anger, etc- until you can reach acceptance).

You will need to learn how to be as one again.  ( Okay on your own).  Is something we need to learn to do.  Learn how to go out there and do our own things again.  And not expect him to call or for him to be there waiting for you...

Something I felt helpful was to Journal.  Write all you want in there ( or wordpad) and just keep writing!  Every time you want to reach out, grab your journal.  Is a good release.. Another thing I found helpful was making a list.. Although you do remember 'all of the good' you had with him... remind yourself of all of the bad.  Is common for us to reach back to find all the good memories- because we miss them 😕 . ( It's all a process).

As for your anxiety- any way you can speak to your doctor?  Mine hit extreme for a good while & I was put on something for a good year + .  I could not function much at all 😕 .

Also, learn some 'grounding techniques' and deep breathing ( to calm your system down), meditation etc. Make yourself get out there for some air... Try to get your rest.  Sleepy time tea before bed and have on a good show ( nothing negative or scary etc).  Is sooo easy to lose yourself in this at this time- because you ARE hurting.  So, you need to be easy on yourself as you work through it all. You are emotionally invested in this guy- so it normal to feel all of this for a while.

 

Meanwhile, you will feel the withdrawls.  You will yearn to hear his voice etc.  BUT, you have to fight all of that.  Over time, you'll realize he is not the first thing you think about when you wake up.  So much better!

Is the process of starting over.  And in time you will be okay!  been there a few times 😉 .

One day at a time.. take it easy.

Thank you so so much for taking the time to write all of this. I relate to this all and throughout the relationship I did write journal entries when I was struggling and I’m extremely glad I did because it was usually when I wasn’t happy with him or the relationship so I can look back at them and confirm to myself why this was the best outcome. 

This is my first relationship ever and it lasted 5 years so the heartbreak really is something like no other. It keeps coming in waves. One minute i’m fine, the next my eyes are swollen from the tears. I think I may have actually made myself ill from crying so much. Can feel a scratchy throat, headache and blocked nose coming on.

It’s officially the end of day 2 and i’m feeling proud for not reaching out. I made some tea for myself and it has really helped alongside a hot water bottle. 
 

What these 2 days of space has done is made me realise I do have a real issue with being alone. I’m absolutely terrified of not having someone with me. I’m definitely anxiously attached. I’ve spent 5 years trying to work on it but I guess I have all this time now to work more on it and accept that I am now single. It really is difficult but it helps knowing i’m not alone in this and hearing responses like yours really is validating and healing so thank you again ☺️

[Redyroo]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I agree very much with SooSad’s post in its entirety, especially this section here. 

I also want to mention I journaled daily, almost furiously, while I was separated and even after the divorce a year later and it helped a great deal in organizing thoughts and seeing where I needed to make changes. Two years later I try to get at least one journal entry each week, usually on Sundays. It helps me track my progress and where I’m at and also check in with myself about where I am versus where I’d like to be.

As was also mentioned it’s a grieving process so be kind with yourself too while you change those parts of yourself you want to see changes in and move forward.

I really love this idea of checking in with yourself to see where you are at and where you want to be. I will try to incorporate this into my life. Thank you so much 😇 i’m feeling very grateful for everyones help. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I’m absolutely terrified of not having someone with me.

What frightening things do you think will happen to you if you're single?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I agree very much with SooSad’s post in its entirety, especially this section here. 

I also want to mention I journaled daily, almost furiously, while I was separated and even after the divorce a year later and it helped a great deal in organizing thoughts and seeing where I needed to make changes. Two years later I try to get at least one journal entry each week, usually on Sundays. It helps me track my progress and where I’m at and also check in with myself about where I am versus where I’d like to be.

As was also mentioned it’s a grieving process so be kind with yourself too while you change those parts of yourself you want to see changes in and move forward.

I especially love this advice.  Journaling is not for everyone for sure but I love the specific and common sense input -you found a routine that helped you -and it was writing that brought your thoughts to the forefront. 

Maybe for someone else it's going running and letting the thoughts come while sweating.  But it's a routine, it's simple - required pen/pencil and paper and a daily commitment - there's no trying just doing. I highly suggest you do this -or something like that -simple, with a structure, that you can realistically implement with little in the way of having to pay $$ or buy complicated supplies etc.

My daily early morning workout is like that -simple stuff -workout clothing on the nightstand, sneakers and bag by the door, filled water bottle ready in the fridge = no excuses - I leave within 8 minutes of the alarm going off - little $$ commitment and it reaffirms that I can commit to take care of myself.  I've been working out regularly since 1982.

I'm not going through a breakup or anything but life happens and knowing I have this means I know if I need to work through something that is one of the best times to do so.  Each time you journal or workout or whatever it is you get that reward of reaffirming to yourself - I commit to myself, I commit to my health and mental health and personal growth.  Find your thing.  And don't try -do it!  

[Redyroo]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What frightening things do you think will happen to you if you're single?

Good question. This will sound absolutely ridiculous for anyone reading but this is literally what my subconscious and inner child feels. For me, being single makes me feel unattractive, unloved, clearly i’m deformed or somethings not right. I’m an outcast, damaged goods, nobody wants me.
I’m already carrying a lot of shame inside me so I already feel f”ucked up and wrong as a person because of what i’ve been through in life. Obviously my conscious brain knows none of this is true. I study psychology. But it’s the inner child and subconscious part of my brain that believes it. I’ve yet been able to change these negative beliefs. On a conscious level I know what to do and what i’m doing wrong. On a subconscious level it just keeps playing out again and again and again like a broken record and that’s why i’m here today to tell the tale of how my partner eventually got sick of it and left.
 

Part of me is thinking maybe this is the lesson I need to break the pattern. To lose someone I really love in order to realise I need to stop doing what I was doing.

 

anyway I went off on a tangent there

[Redyroo]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I especially love this advice.  Journaling is not for everyone for sure but I love the specific and common sense input -you found a routine that helped you -and it was writing that brought your thoughts to the forefront. 

Maybe for someone else it's going running and letting the thoughts come while sweating.  But it's a routine, it's simple - required pen/pencil and paper and a daily commitment - there's no trying just doing. I highly suggest you do this -or something like that -simple, with a structure, that you can realistically implement with little in the way of having to pay $$ or buy complicated supplies etc.

My daily early morning workout is like that -simple stuff -workout clothing on the nightstand, sneakers and bag by the door, filled water bottle ready in the fridge = no excuses - I leave within 8 minutes of the alarm going off - little $$ commitment and it reaffirms that I can commit to take care of myself.  I've been working out regularly since 1982.

I'm not going through a breakup or anything but life happens and knowing I have this means I know if I need to work through something that is one of the best times to do so.  Each time you journal or workout or whatever it is you get that reward of reaffirming to yourself - I commit to myself, I commit to my health and mental health and personal growth.  Find your thing.  And don't try -do it!  

Thank you so much, for me it is working out too, I absolutely love going to the gym and will spend hours there some days. Recently because of this whole thing I stopped but I will definitely be going back on Tuesday. Monday there is the Queens funeral so the gym will be closed. But I totally agree with this. I need some sort of structure, something to help me feel committed to myself. 

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Good question. This will sound absolutely ridiculous for anyone reading but this is literally what my subconscious and inner child feels. For me, being single makes me feel unattractive, unloved, clearly i’m deformed or somethings not right. I’m an outcast, damaged goods, nobody wants me.
I’m already carrying a lot of shame inside me so I already feel f”ucked up and wrong as a person because of what i’ve been through in life. Obviously my conscious brain knows none of this is true. I study psychology. But it’s the inner child and subconscious part of my brain that believes it. I’ve yet been able to change these negative beliefs. On a conscious level I know what to do and what i’m doing wrong. On a subconscious level it just keeps playing out again and again and again like a broken record and that’s why i’m here today to tell the tale of how my partner eventually got sick of it and left.
 

Part of me is thinking maybe this is the lesson I need to break the pattern. To lose someone I really love in order to realise I need to stop doing what I was doing.

 

anyway I went off on a tangent there

If you're studying psychology, surely you realize your thought process is unhealthy.  And surely you'd advocate for professional guidance when you have these kind of issues with your sense of self worth. 

If I told you what you just wrote would you advise me to seek professional help?

If you've been in a relationship with this man for five years, you have no idea how other men might perceive you.  You are taking a test sample of one to come to all these conclusions.  And as a student you know a test sample of one is never used to come to scientific conclusions.  So why should it be used to determine your self worth?

[Redyroo]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you're studying psychology, surely you realize your thought process is unhealthy.  And surely you'd advocate for professional guidance when you have these kind of issues with your sense of self worth. 

If I told you what you just wrote would you advise me to seek professional help?

If you've been in a relationship with this man for five years, you have no idea how other men might perceive you.  You are taking a test sample of one to come to all these conclusions.  And as a student you know a test sample of one is never used to come to scientific conclusions.  So why should it be used to determine your self worth?

Yeah exactly. You’re right. I constantly look outside myself and how other people think/feel/act around me to determine my worth. It’s an automatic process and I know I’m definitely not the only one. A lot of people in fact do this. Especially anxiously attached individuals. 
 

i’ve sought professional guidance twice now and it was helpful in the short time but long term i’m back to the start again. That help was for free and I’m thinking to get proper professional help, i’d most likely be put on a large waiting list and have to pay lots of money.

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Thank you so much, for me it is working out too, I absolutely love going to the gym and will spend hours there some days. Recently because of this whole thing I stopped but I will definitely be going back on Tuesday. Monday there is the Queens funeral so the gym will be closed. But I totally agree with this. I need some sort of structure, something to help me feel committed to myself. 

There is no need to go to a gym to get exercise -totally understand about the Queen's funeral! I mostly power walk because it's great cardio and I also work on my upper body - sometimes at a gym sometimes outside sometimes to a DVD I have at home as a last last resort!. No excuses.  I got in my exercise at Death Valley last year and took a ferry once from Disney's magic kingdom to a resort with hiking trails.  I mean sure it's fine to skip a few days here and there but I'd find something to do -whether it's exercise or something else -where you're not depending on a place like a gym being open to do so -or get to a gym.

For me personally cardio clears my head and helps me regain perspective as needed but for you it might be yoga or meditation or journal writing or cooking or knitting or scrubbing floors -whatever it is -but I suggest something with a routine and commitment and structure. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

For me, being single makes me feel unattractive, unloved, clearly i’m deformed or somethings not right. I’m an outcast, damaged goods, nobody wants me.

Two things.  First of all you're single unless you're married -if you want to go by the definition (or common law marriage or having had a religious marriage ceremony, etc).  Second - if you are exclusively dating someone who is wrong for you you really think being able to reference "my boyfriend said" and "this is my boyfriend" somehow makes you superior to your single self? Why? How? 

I remember being asked by men who I contacted through online dating sites why I hadn't been snapped up yet for marriage-assuming I'd never been asked because surely if I had I'd have said yes and settled for whomever so I wouldn't be "still single".  What a pathetic mindset.

It's fine to have irrational mindsets/feelings like that - choose a reaction that means you don't listen to the inner bully who's torturing you with those pathetic labels. 

 

[Redyroo]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There is no need to go to a gym to get exercise -totally understand about the Queen's funeral! I mostly power walk because it's great cardio and I also work on my upper body - sometimes at a gym sometimes outside sometimes to a DVD I have at home as a last last resort!. No excuses.  I got in my exercise at Death Valley last year and took a ferry once from Disney's magic kingdom to a resort with hiking trails.  I mean sure it's fine to skip a few days here and there but I'd find something to do -whether it's exercise or something else -where you're not depending on a place like a gym being open to do so -or get to a gym.

For me personally cardio clears my head and helps me regain perspective as needed but for you it might be yoga or meditation or journal writing or cooking or knitting or scrubbing floors -whatever it is -but I suggest something with a routine and commitment and structure. 

So so true! Thank you so much! I will definitely find something to focus on ♥️ You are amazing and an inspiration ☺️ 

[Redyroo]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Two things.  First of all you're single unless you're married -if you want to go by the definition (or common law marriage or having had a religious marriage ceremony, etc).  Second - if you are exclusively dating someone who is wrong for you you really think being able to reference "my boyfriend said" and "this is my boyfriend" somehow makes you superior to your single self? Why? How? 

I remember being asked by men who I contacted through online dating sites why I hadn't been snapped up yet for marriage-assuming I'd never been asked because surely if I had I'd have said yes and settled for whomever so I wouldn't be "still single".  What a pathetic mindset.

It's fine to have irrational mindsets/feelings like that - choose a reaction that means you don't listen to the inner bully who's torturing you with those pathetic labels. 

 

Exactly like I think it’s rooted in society. You see it in movies and the media where someone is moping about for being single. Or a family will question their daughter or son and be like “we have to find you someone” as though being single is wrong or bad. I definitely feel like i’ve been somewhat indoctrinated by media and society in this regard. I totally agree with everything you said, it’s not healthy at all to think or believe this way. I just need to find a way to realise that being single is okay.

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I’m thinking to get proper professional help, i’d most likely be put on a large waiting list and have to pay lots of money.

Nope.

How much value do you place on your sense of self worth? Are you enjoying feeling like you're ugly and worthless unless there's some male you can call "boyfriend" in your life?

I don't have info about the availability of counseling in the UK. But here in the US there are multiple online counseling services available that base their fees on the ability to pay. I'm going to bet you could Google online counseling and find lots of resources.

Do you want to get help with your issues? Or do you find it somehow easier to try to force this obviously incompatible relationship to work?

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Exactly like I think it’s rooted in society. You see it in movies and the media where someone is moping about for being single. Or a family will question their daughter or son and be like “we have to find you someone” as though being single is wrong or bad. I definitely feel like i’ve been somewhat indoctrinated by media and society in this regard. I totally agree with everything you said, it’s not healthy at all to think or believe this way. I just need to find a way to realise that being single is okay.

Oh please don't indulge in the societal pressure gig.  Who cares what is in the movies and media - part of being in a healthy relationship is knowing your worth -your individual worth -choosing a partner based on your individual values, ethics, interests. 

Don't indulge in the victimhood and "I've been BRAINWASHED!!" stuff -you're obviously an educated person.  You don't need to find a way to realize being single is ok.  You won't "find a way" - just live your life as a person who treats herself with respect, who is active, who acts with integrity and treats others with respect and kindness from a perspective of self-worth and confidence. 

I find volunteer work really helps with being other-centered and not indulging in the pity party about "society" and "the media".  Then whatever your current romantic status is will simply be relegated to its proper place because you will be living a well-balanced, fulfilling life.

The way to treat irrational feelings is to let them exist and choose not to react as if they are facts.  Feelings aren't facts.  Let the feeling exist on the radar. Just like any self-deprecating extreme thought like "ugh I ate ice cream -I'm such a pig" or "I'm such a loser - I forgot to email my boss" - 

It is easier in general to be married once you're in your 30s as far as "society" - I guess it's also easier to be wealthy, to be thin without dieting or watching what you eat, etc.  Oh well.  Life is not fair. 

Doesn't mean you decide that you're the victim of "society" and tell yourself that it's society's fault you feel badly about being single as opposed to being able to hold yourself out as having "a boyfriend."  

It's not fair that married couples often have it easier.  I married at 42.  I noticed the difference -not a huge difference but a difference.  It's not at all why I married. I didn't marry because of societal expectations. I always wanted marriage and family as long as I could remember.  Because of me and my values not some "indoctrination."