Update: I think that’s us finally over

[Redyroo]

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@RedyrooI think you should focus on boundaries here.

This man thinks he can keep you on a hook and you're left wondering if he'll take you back. Don't be that desperate. You DON'T need him and you certainly don't want someone who treats you and your love like disposable trash.

So, please, for the love and respect of yourself, don't take his BS anymore. You're not an item off the shelf for him to pick up.

You're a woman with strengths and weaknesses and you fell hard for a man who hid you from his family and has done nothing but telling you "you are not enough. You need to change for me".

That is NOT supportive. That is NOT healthy.

A healthy couple would check if they're compatible, and if they're not, go on separate ways respectfully. Not try to bend each other into a twisted idea.

Boundaries OP. Boundaries now. Don't respond to him anymore. Focus on YOU. LOVE you.

If he reaches out should I just ignore it? We’ve been together 5 years and I feel like all the memories and everything we’ve created, for it to end just like that, with no proper goodbye feels not right to me? 😞

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

What do you mean sidestepping? Just that it was a requirement for marriage.

Did you ever meet his friends or family? Did he ever actually propose?

It's time to take care of yourself and address your own issues instead of chasing men who put up roadblocks.

[DarkCh0c0]

45 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

If he reaches out should I just ignore it?

Yes, ignore him.

He's been ignoring you for a couple of days as if you don't exist. Why worry about doing the same back to him? Block him and his friends/family even. The way he has treated you had shown you all you need to know. Believe his actions, and not his words.

You deserve better. You deserve to move on to a better, happy, and peaceful life.

Put YOURSELF first for once in your life.

[Redyroo]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you ever meet his friends or family? Did he ever actually propose?

It's time to take care of yourself and address your own issues instead of chasing men who put up roadblocks.

I wasn’t ever ready for marriage. Not all women want marriage when in a relationship straight away. Even if it’s been 5 years I didn’t want marriage

[Redyroo]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Yes, ignore him.

He's been ignoring you for a couple of days as if you don't exist. Why worry about doing the same back to him? Block him and his friends/family even. The way he has treated you had shown you all you need to know. Believe his actions, and not his words.

You deserve better. You deserve to move on to a better, happy, and peaceful life.

Put YOURSELF first for once in your life.

It’s only been one day. The most we stopped talking was 5 days. He hasn’t even said if it’s a break or taking time to cool down

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I wasn’t ever ready for marriage. Not all women want marriage when in a relationship straight away. Even if it’s been 5 years I didn’t want marriage

Sincere question, but may I ask why you converted to his religion if that's the case? 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

It’s only been one day. The most we stopped talking was 5 days. He hasn’t even said if it’s a break or taking time to cool down

Someone who is into you will not keep you hanging like this. AND, anything less than an enthusiastic immediate YES is a no.

If you ever talk to him, it should be one last time to hear what HE has to say, but confirm your stance that your feelings are not to be played with and that you are DONE.

If you can't have that quick convo while keeping your head above your shoulders so to speak, then don't talk to him. Stick to your self-respect and dignity.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Struggling to eat, haven’t slept, feel like i’m living in hell

 Call the national mental health hotline. (988 in the US). If you don't have health insurance insurance they will listen to you and direct you to the appropriate mental health care. Do not thank anyone for proselytizing or trying to recruit you to anything. 

[MissCanuck]

I would not ignore him if he reaches out. 

The reason I say that is because I think it is to your benefit to definitively end it. If you don't answer, I think your anxiety will eat you alive with too many "What ifs?" swirling around in your head and you will needlessly beat yourself up even more. Instead, I would make it very clear to him that you can't continue in this way and it's best to end it now. Clean. Done. 

I also just don't think it's very realistic to imagine you will have the stones to ignore him forever after 5 years together and without actually having broken up. Most would not. 

[Redyroo]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Sincere question, but may I ask why you converted to his religion if that's the case? 

I genuinely feel like Islam has helped me. Whenever i’ve been in times of crisis praying has helped and believing in Allah helps me

[Redyroo]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would not ignore him if he reaches out. 

The reason I say that is because I think it is to your benefit to definitively end it. If you don't answer, I think your anxiety will eat you alive with too many "What ifs?" swirling around in your head and you will needlessly beat yourself up even more. Instead, I would make it very clear to him that you can't continue in this way and it's best to end it now. Clean. Done. 

I also just don't think it's very realistic to imagine you will have the stones to ignore him forever after 5 years together and without actually having broken up. Most would not. 

Yeah that’s true, i’ve just known him far too long for it to just end without any ending to it. I’m sure he’d be feeling the same. It isn’t right. I’ll maybe give it a few more days to see what happens. If he doesn’t reach out, I don’t really see myself wanting to go back anymore. The longer we don’t speak, the more I realise that this wasn’t healthy. But then again idk if that’s just because i’m still emotional so i’m only thinking of the negatives. There were a lot of good moments too. I think the max amount of time I will give is a week before I reach out and say my goodbye

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I wasn’t ever ready for marriage. Not all women want marriage when in a relationship straight away. Even if it’s been 5 years I didn’t want marriage

I mean of course some people want to marry some don't.  But I agree -really odd to convert to a religion for another person when marriage to the perso is not the goal.  Doesn't he want marriage in a general sense?

[Redyroo]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean of course some people want to marry some don't.  But I agree -really odd to convert to a religion for another person when marriage to the perso is not the goal.  Doesn't he want marriage in a general sense?

Exactly which proves I haven’t converted for him. Yeah he wants it at some point and so do I. But just not right now

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

Exactly which proves I haven’t converted for him. Yeah he wants it at some point and so do I. But just not right now

I'm really confused -from what you wrote in the past you did not want to convert on your own.  Perhaps he was confused too.  Regardless -it's over and I think you should treat it as such. And I think it's great to know you marriage is not a priority for you so that you can share that with men you might date in the future.  Personally I liked to know that ASAP so I could stop dating the person before I got attached -or not meet them if it was through an online site.

[Redyroo]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I'm really confused -from what you wrote in the past you did not want to convert on your own.  Perhaps he was confused too.  Regardless -it's over and I think you should treat it as such. And I think it's great to know you marriage is not a priority for you so that you can share that with men you might date in the future.  Personally I liked to know that ASAP so I could stop dating the person before I got attached -or not meet them if it was through an online site.

The thing is, I still don’t know if it’s over. He didn’t directly say that. Just that he wants a break and then when I said are you sure about that he then said “i’ll sleep on it” but still not heard anything back

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

The thing is, I still don’t know if it’s over. He didn’t directly say that. Just that he wants a break and then when I said are you sure about that he then said “i’ll sleep on it” but still not heard anything back

I agree totally with how others advised you on that point.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Redyroo said:

The thing is, I still don’t know if it’s over. He didn’t directly say that. Just that he wants a break and then when I said are you sure about that he then said “i’ll sleep on it” but still not heard anything back

Cross one bridge at a time and be busy with yourself. Have your goals and other things you’re working on. If he ever reaches out to you decide then what to do. You may have zero interest in responding or find it doesn’t warrant a response. Speaking to someone who makes you a bottom priority may be such a turn off there is no interest at all or anything to say.

[smackie9]

so how many "breaks" or "breakups have you had over the last 5 years?

[Redyroo]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Cross one bridge at a time and be busy with yourself. Have your goals and other things you’re working on. If he ever reaches out to you decide then what to do. You may have zero interest in responding or find it doesn’t warrant a response. Speaking to someone who makes you a bottom priority may be such a turn off there is no interest at all or anything to say.

Yeah this is true. I think the max i’m going to wait is about a week, after that i’ll definitely lose interest 😞

[Redyroo]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

so how many "breaks" or "breakups have you had over the last 5 years?

Many, not much breaks just one but ALL of them were me who initiated them. I ended up stopping the behaviour though. It ended last year in July where I stopped it. He’s never asked for a break before

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Many, not much breaks just one but ALL of them were me who initiated them. I ended up stopping the behaviour though. It ended last year in July where I stopped it. He’s never asked for a break before

Sometimes it doesn't matter -when there's so much drama and so many "breaks" the overall sense is one of instability no matter who pulled the trigger first.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Redyroo said:

Yeah this is true. I think the max i’m going to wait is about a week, after that i’ll definitely lose interest 😞

So give yourself a week and see where you’re at then. Make no promises to yourself about him. You don’t owe him a thing. Shift the focus back to your own life and other commitments. 

[Redyroo]

13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

So give yourself a week and see where you’re at then. Make no promises to yourself about him. You don’t owe him a thing. Shift the focus back to your own life and other commitments. 

I am feeling guilty though because I was being mothering towards him asking him why he was out with his friends until 3am. He got sick of it because he saw it as me being not trusting. I know I was in the wrong. The reason I said it to him was because he literally hangs out with me until 1am and his excuse is his mum will be worried about him. And yet with his friends that excuse doesn’t apply

[Rose Mosse]

13 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I am feeling guilty though because I was being mothering towards him asking him why he was out with his friends until 3am. He got sick of it because he saw it as me being not trusting. I know I was in the wrong. The reason I said it to him was because he literally hangs out with me until 1am and his excuse is his mum will be worried about him. And yet with his friends that excuse doesn’t apply

It doesn’t matter. He’s not around to care or listen. You felt bad and have some regrets. That’s normal. Learn from the mistakes and don’t hold yourself back from living a life without him. The point is he is not here and he doesn’t care to listen. 

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

The reason I said it to him was because he literally hangs out with me until 1am and his excuse is his mum will be worried about him. And yet with his friends that excuse doesn’t apply

So now you see that he rather hang out with his friends longer than with you. That he gives excuses and even shifts the blame/responsibility on you when you express a concern.

A healthy partner would never put you through that. Just let that sink in.

HE should be feeling guilty, and YOU should learn to walk away from a man who doesn't treat you right.

I second what @Rose Mossementioned in shifting the focus on you.

He's not the sun... You are 🌞