Hurting and conflicted - please help w/ your sincere comments

[Dcoop]

Been "married" 26 years, (sorry, I'm probably a bit older poster on this board) but haven't been happy in my marriage for a long time.  I know I married ("settled") the wrong person, as it was more social pressure to get married and the person I really wanted to marry (we were great friends but she was 2 years older than me) at that time got married.  So, I was settling with someome else, got married and moved on.  I haven't done anything about my marriage (ie divorce) due to various reasons: kids, financials, just accepting, society, etc and wanted to show a strong face to family and friends - ie successful, happy, family, etc...etc...

The past few years my unhappiness increased and I reached a tipping point and reached out to the person I originally wanted to marry.  I wasn't sure what to expect but I thought that if there was a chance with someone else, it would only be with this person. I really didn't have an interest to explore with other people.  She replied to me, and within a few months an affair developed, taking us to an emotional and physical place we both feel we wanted to be.  She was unhappily married as well.  We both also admited that we made relationship mistakes and that it was "us" that we wanted.

A few months into my affair, my wife was diagnosed w/ a disease (not terminal), but impairs her day to day physical abilities with continuous degredation for balance of her life. It hit me as a carring person, but on the other side was the person I always wanted to be with, hence my confliction. Shortly after, my wife discoved the affair and the explosion commenced w/ her, our two grown children who are out of state, friends, etc...eventually, a legal marriage separation process started.

We enlisted attornies, started to go down the legal separation process (I wanted it more than my wife) while she has been "struggling" physically and me feeling guilty for my potential "happiness".  I've been living at a relative's temporarily and recently came back to my wife as she was really struggling physically (maybe a little w/ an act) but from what I saw she was not in a good place.  The "nice guy" that I am, I came back to help her and I moved back into the house, but my heart is elsewhere.  I told the woman that I had the affair with the I need to take a step back from "us" and focus on my wifes health condition.  This gave me some comfort but pain for me too.  We were hoping that once we get through the separation, we could become a couple and eventually marry.  I'm not sure the prognosis of my wife's disease, but who knows, maybe there is still a possibility down the road w/ my affair person.  I know I can't expect to have the person I had the affair with wait around for me, so this hurts me too. I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation whether I stay or move on.

I feel like I finally have something I always wanted, but due to the circumstances, I need to make the choice that is the "right" vs what would really makes me happy.

Any wisdom, thoughts from anyone would really be appreciated. Thanks you for listening...

 

 

 

[Batya33]

My thought is tell your affair partner you will contact her when your divorce is final for at least a year and then you will see where things stand.  I don't think you're behaving in a "nice" way -perhaps passive - your word choice shows that -you passively settled for the wrong person and then somehow you were "taken" to an emotional place with your mistress - well - no -you chose all of this, chose to have an affair rather than ending your marraige first.  

Also why do you think your affair partner would be faithful to you or you to her - neither of you particularly value a marital commitment.  I get that she was 'unhappy" -so why did she stay with her husband and choose to cheat?

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, but to me it was always more about finding the right person. And not about "the outcome" like the marriage or kids. Both of those 2 you can do later down the line with the right person. Even if you cant have your own kids from some reason. But when you are with the wrong person, you make your life miserable. Sure, you maybe get marriage and kids, but look at your example. After kids moved and stopped connecting you, you started an affair. And made your life a living Hell. 

And that is entirely on you. Sure, you coldnt predict your wife disease. But your decision to marry a wrong person and after "empty nest" pursue an affair is entirely yours. Because you can blame "society" like some Joker as much as you want. But you could have taken time to find the right person. Pretty sure there isnt just one of those for any of us. Heck you could have just stayed alone if you couldnt. It would have saved you the life you have now. And who knows, maybe even your "missed love" would be with you now. But you wanted "the outcome". So now "enjoy" consequences of your choices. Where you have a choice of staying with your sick wife God knows how long, and maybe leaving her but living with your relative and having your kids probably hating you. Aside of your wife situation, I really cant feel sorry for you. You made your own bed here.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Dcoop said:

She was unhappily married as well. 

Is she divorced yet?

Very often people in affairs believe they have found their soulmate and will dump their ball and chain spouses and ride off into the sunset together happily ever after. 

Why do they think this? Because they are engaging in cowardice and fantasy. Then come the usual excuses. Can't leave because of finances, kids, sick spouse, etc.

Your wife and children will do fine without you. You've been married long enough where her attorney can divide your assets appropriately.

 If your lover hasn't divorced, that may be why you came crawling back.

[DarkCh0c0]

I would say too that your wife and children will do fine. Your wife is an adult and she will find a way to manage her illness.

What I advise you, is to be honest with yourself and proceed with the divorce. You've been trying to do what you call "the right thing" for 25 years and you see how miserable it go you. So, why keep lying to yourself and others around you? Be authentic and set yourself free to find love for the remaining years of your life.

Reg. Your affair partner, I agree with @Wiseman2 . You don't know if she'll take you later. Maybe you'll find someone else more suitable. Is she divorced now?

[Dcoop]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she divorced yet?

Very often people in affairs believe they have found their soulmate and will dump their ball and chain spouses and ride off into the sunset together happily ever after. 

Why do they think this? Because they are engaging in cowardice and fantasy. Then come the usual excuses. Can't leave because of finances, kids, sick spouse, etc.

Your wife and children will do fine without you. You've been married long enough where her attorney can divide your assets appropriately.

 If your lover hasn't divorced, that may be why you came crawling back.

Thank you all for the feedback, yes, she is divorced.  I didn't crawl back to my wife because of the affiar person not being divorced, it was seeing how my wife was not doing well at that moment when I came over to the house to help her with a few things and saw her in poor physical state.

[catfeeder]

In wife's shoes I'd rather my caregiver be a neutral hire than someone who doesn't love me enough to be loyal.

Consider researching care options and work with your adult children either directly or through their lawyers to pool resources and design a care plan for wife.

Then you can move out and craft your own life. If that means remaining legally separated to keep wife on your insurance, then so be it.

You'd be positioned to learn whether the one you love is equally invested or not. If so, you get to live your dream, and if not, you'll need to work through that head on instead of hiding behind a banner of martyrdom to avoid the possibility of such an outcome.

Spare your wife the indignity, and go learn what you need to learn.

[Tinydance]

Well I think if you're really very sure you don't want to be with your wife, you shouldn't lead her on anymore. I mean, you can't change the past but you don't have to give her any false hope. If your children are adults now, can they come and stay with their mother and help her?

I'm not really sure that it's a good idea to live with your wife anymore because you were going through the divorce proceedings and she knows you were with someone else. I'm sure she's hurting both physically and emotionally and this is probably just confusing your wife.

I'm not sure how old you are or whether your wife's illness is disabling, but if you divorce she may still have the chance to meet someone else. I don't think there is much you can do now to change anything except just be honest with your wife and yourself now. Your children are adults so hopefully they'll understand. If you want to be with the other woman and she feels the same then you should be. I mean, that's who you really want to be with. Not your wife.

[Rose Mosse]

Well, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in your shoes. Despite our differences and there was some animosity at first my ex-husband and I did care for one another and look out for each other while we separated during the start of Covid. I can understand your care for your wife even though your heart is no longer with her and things have changed. The issue is you did start an affair behind your wife’s back while you were married and introduced a third party into your collapsing marriage. You don’t live guilt-free. What bothers you might be being ridden with guilt and as Kwothe mentioned made your own bed with the conflict you’re feeling. 

Even if you leave your wife I don’t know how people having had affairs continue to justify their new romances. It’s done all the time and I’m sure there’s a way. You need to make peace that your marriage is over. End one thing before starting another and make peace also with the sham of an outer image that you lead a perfect white picket fence life. That’s all ego speaking. 

 

[smackie9]

Just be totally honest with your wife you are getting divorced, that it is going to happen, you have been unhappy for a long time, this will not change. Explain you are here temporarily to help her set up homecare, maybe install bars in the bath, railings, a ramp, reclining bed, etc. Then move out. The rest will be up to family/friends/gov.disability to deal with. You make your decision clear to her and to yourself. You want to move on, go do it, rip the band-aid off.