i looked up my ex on Instagram

[justabunchofatoms]

Hey guys,

 

Hope you're all doing well. I'd like your opinion on the current situation I have with my significant other.

 

I've had a very toxic and abusive relation ship with a 100% narcissistic, bi-polar, insecure etc. person for 5 years. This was my EX. She has tormented my soul and well being and I have been a fool to stay in such relationship for 5 years. I am not blaming it all on her as it is my fault too for accepting to be abused as such. I did not have self-love or did not believe I was good enough and therefor I ended up in a very toxic 5 years relationship. 

After I managed to exit that relationship by simply just being too fed up and actually learning and listening to other people being in a similar situation and feeling the same as I do, I managed to finish that relationship witch was the best feeling I have ever had in my life. A feeling of freedom and power and relaxation. After a few months I've started talking with this amazing and wonderful woman who has one of the biggest and innocent souls I have ever seen in my life. She is highly empathic and lovable. I was very careful this time and I have analyzed if she has red flags or if she had serious mental issues due to my last experience. I did not want to lose multiple years of my life again. Anyways, she is amazing and I love her. We have a very beautiful balance in our relationship. We really enjoy each other and we love to spend 24/7 hours together. And this is not a "honeymoon phase". We've been together for almost 3 years and we still enjoy being 24/7 together. We just connect very well. I did not believe something like this can exist. In the first months of the relationship I've had some serious anxiety and panic disorder due to a "medical statement" combined with the trauma my ex has caused me. And this woman stayed with me and cared for me. Gave me massages and asked for nothing in return. Therefore I try to be the best person I can for her. We all have minuses and pluses in our personality. Her minuses are mostly due to her "lack of self-love and a little bit of insecurity". I also have my minuses which are: sometimes I am emotionless and sometimes I am waaay to logical and it is hard for her to emotionally connect or understand me and therefore we have some arguments and small fights. I accept her minuses because her pluses are worth it. She has helped me heal myself from the past. She has slowly opened my emotions as they were very close. But she also has a hard dark past. She has a very abusive father who has beaten her mother constantly with blood on her face. He was very close to a psychopath. He would put my girlfriend to cook for him when she was only 15 and if the food was cold he would punish her in multiple ways either verbally or physically. Her mother divorced her father after 7 years and then she became reckless. Her mother started going to clubs every time and spending the money which she should've have spent on her kid (my girlfriend) and never really cared for her kid.  She also had a little toxic relationship for around 4 years. Not as toxic as mine or abusive. Her boyfriend was simply just not a man. A cry baby who couldn't control his emotions and would disrespect her and then cry about it. After finishing him she met me. I was and still am so PROUD of her for being such an adult after all of the trauma she had. She worked all her life and always provided for herself and advanced in her job. I can't believe after being abused and mistreated you can be so happy about the world and still positive. Sometimes I am very dark about the world and I say it's trash and hurtful and it pains her to listen to me say that. It's like she's the pink in the relation ship and I am the black. I help her limit her "pink eyes" in order to not get hurt from the dirty world and she limits my "black eyes "in order to not hurt myself and never enjoy life. 

 

The problem I am facing is that for the past years "my ex" has always seem to come into random conversations. Mostly due to my girlfriends intent. Such as we are eating at the table and we start talking about psychology and about her father and somehow we would end up talking about narcissist people and obviously about my ex too. What is crazy is that I never loved my ex. I just took this "persona" of me being a savior and proving I am a good person due to my lack of self love and anxiety. But my girlfriend thinks I still have feelings for my ex or she thinks that just because my ex gave me trauma that maybe I still think of her or something. This saddens me because it's so far away from the truth. If I was to see the face of my ex I'd feel one of the most horrible emotions inside my chest. Anyways, this kept happening once every month or every two months. Last month has been a little rough on my girlfriend because we had more arguments and fights due to misunderstanding each other and due to not being able to control both our egos. Also in the last 2 months we had 2 parties where old friends of mine came etc. One of my friend talked to my girlfriend saying she is great etc. and that he is so happy I finished my ex. he then went on saying that my ex is really creepy and posts really weird videos of her walking like in malls etc. Then one of my GIRL friends talked with my girlfriend about my ex and about how MAD my GIRL friend was at me for being with such an obvious crazy person. And then my girlfriend explained what my friends told me and made me curious. We last week had a talk in the kitchen while preparing food about how weird the videos my ex posts are and she asked me if I want to watch them so we laugh. I said no. I refused because my ex really makes me feel bad just by looking at her face. I said no because I did not want to bring that face between me and my current girlfriend. I did not want to bring that energy and that information between us. After a few days I decided to look up my ex on Instagram because all the talks and all the other people said made me curious. I know it's wrong to say this but I wanted to watch her life fail. I did not do because of no other reason. It made me curious and I wanted to have a laugh myself but I wanted to keep it away from my girlfriend because I just feel like it's not necessary. I just think it would've felt weird. I looked her up and I watched some of the things she posts and they are really weird. The feeling I felt was very bad for the first seconds and then I started being happy and grateful for the life I have now. For the woman I have now. I don't know when I watched or whatever but recently my girlfriend asked me for my phone to use AliExpress because she can't use on her phone (she's from another continent and she needs my national phone card). And she really never does this and she never did this I don't know how it happened that she did this right then but she probably looked on my Instagram and saw who I search for and obviously my ex was there at my searches. 

 

She kept it silent for some days and kept asking me a few times if I ever search my ex. I lied and told her that I don't because in reality I really don't I am very happy with myself and who I have became to be. It just so happened that I searched out of curiosity due to all the conversations. I am not a person who lies. I have always been true and real with her. It just so happened that because it was my ex and this brought a bad emotion to my chest I decided to answer that I don't search. Never. And so yesterday she asked for my phone again and went in the bed. I've moved furniture around the house all day and I too went to stay an hug her in the bed. She stopped staying on the phone and we hugged for 10 minutes. She then told me I can stay at the computer if I want and I told her I don't want. I said she can stay on the phone and I can just relax in bed. After this we started having the argument and conflict about this "instagram search of my ex". She started asking why do I act weird if she is on my phone such as "why do I come in bed and stay with her". She told me she looked and saw I search for her. She also told me that I sang a song a few days ago (probably when i searched for my ex) that apparently she used in one of the videos she posts. It's such a weird analyzation and I feel bad that she thinks I still care or feel something for my ex. She now probably thinks I have something for my ex and she asked me multiple times if "i liked what i saw" because apparently my ex posts random videos of her walking in the mall or walking on the beach in bikini and I am afraid that maybe one of the songs I randomly sang because it got stuck in my head was maybe a bikini video. I don't want to go and check because I blocked her. I feel so bad about the fact that my girlfriend has this idea that maybe I miss my ex's body or something because it's so not true. I am so happy from pretty much all aspects in my relationship with my girlfriend. Now she just lays in bed for days and tells me she is disappointed in me and she just doesn't understand why did I have to search for it. I explained as I explained here to her. I was simply curious because of all the talks we've had and you've had with two of my friends and that I choose not to watch together with her because I can't even explain why. It just something I wish we never had. When my girlfriend moved with me apparently I still had some clothes and tampons from my ex forgotten in a drawer I never checked and this was very upsetting to her as well and therefor this was one of the reason too I preferred to check my ex instagram out of curiosity by myself and just keep it out of my relationship I have. As I said we also had a rough month because I wanted to spend more time on the computer and work and she thinks that maybe I am bored of her or something. As I said I am also a very logical and serious person and sometimes I can come off as emotionless and bored. And here I am. I love my girlfriend. We have a great relationship. We can talk like adults after an argument and forgive and forget each other and probably it will happen with this situation too. It's just hurts me to watch her be hurt about something that is not real. 

 

What is your opinion about it? 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, justabunchofatoms said:

Now she just lays in bed for days and tells me she is disappointed in me and she just doesn't understand why did I have to search for it.

Way too much way too soon. Way too much being together. Way too much talking about exes. There is an almost manic component to this. .

Step way back, get therapy for whatever issues you may have and slow down. Dating is not therapy and people who "lie in bed for days" are not healthy and people who have free time 24/7 to be attached at the hip need to create some healthy space.

[Lambert]

Your post has a lot of dramatic details that I think you're using to justify one simple thing- you lied.  You say you don't tell lies. but you did.  Do you can't sat you don't tell lies anymore. 

You may have jumped into your relationship too soon, with too much together time as @Wiseman2 suggests, but you lied and that's a problem. 

[justabunchofatoms]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Your post has a lot of dramatic details that I think you're using to justify one simple thing- you lied.  You say you don't tell lies. but you did.  Do you can't sat you don't tell lies anymore. 

You may have jumped into your relationship too soon, with too much together time as @Wiseman2 suggests, but you lied and that's a problem. 

i told her I am sorry. i know i tried to justify the reason for lying but probably it doesn't matter. i just like to know what can I do to regain my trust

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, justabunchofatoms said:

i told her I am sorry. i know i tried to justify the reason for lying but probably it doesn't matter. i just like to know what can I do to regain my trust

Well that's the thing.  It takes time and changed behavior. If she chose to forgive you, then you have to do better going forward. 

If she says she can't forgive or she continues to punish you, then things are probably not going to work out. I'm sorry.  it's a tough lesson but an important one. 

[justabunchofatoms]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

Well that's the thing.  It takes time and changed behavior. If she chose to forgive you, then you have to do better going forward. 

If she says she can't forgive or she continues to punish you, then things are probably not going to work out. I'm sorry.  it's a tough lesson but an important one. 

you're saying that the lying is what hurt her the most and not that I have searched my ex out of curiosity and she feels insecure about it? 

[Lambert]

3 minutes ago, justabunchofatoms said:

you're saying that the lying is what hurt her the most and not that I have searched my ex out of curiosity and she feels insecure about it? 

it's both. a mentally healthy person does not accept either of these behaviors.

Lying about things with a partner limits intimacy. You weren't vulnerable with her about what you were doing and feeling, so she doesn't know what to think. 

What else have you lied about? (that's what she's probably thinking) 

That's how cracks in the relationship start. 

[justabunchofatoms]

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

it's both. a mentally healthy person does not accept either of these behaviors.

Lying about things with a partner limits intimacy. You weren't vulnerable with her about what you were doing and feeling, so she doesn't know what to think. 

What else have you lied about? (that's what she's probably thinking) 

That's how cracks in the relationship start. 

thanks for your answers. my question was dumb. 

[Kwothe28]

From what its worth I dont think even your new relationship is that healthy. Which is not surprising as broken people usually find somebody similar. Yes, she is hella insecure. She took you like a broken pup and raised you. And now that you are better she is afraid you will be going away. So she mentiones the most common reason, the ex. And when you decided to look and see the ex, she breached your privacy and found out. Do you even see how that is not really most healthy environment as far as the relationship goes?

Yes, you should own your lie. That was on you and you shouldnt have done that. But you as a broken pup should not forget that your "master" also isnt some innocent goody two shoes in this. She is maybe not your ex. But all that mentioning of ex and breach of privacy(probably not the first time she did that btw) is a big red flag. That is the danger with insecure people. They can make stuff like this almost on daily basis. Next time it would be some of your friend. Or a colleague. Or any girl you came into contact with. If you agree to something like that and continue this, know what you can expect in future. 

[justabunchofatoms]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

From what its worth I dont think even your new relationship is that healthy. Which is not surprising as broken people usually find somebody similar. Yes, she is hella insecure. She took you like a broken pup and raised you. And now that you are better she is afraid you will be going away. So she mentiones the most common reason, the ex. And when you decided to look and see the ex, she breached your privacy and found out. Do you even see how that is not really most healthy environment as far as the relationship goes?

Yes, you should own your lie. That was on you and you shouldnt have done that. But you as a broken pup should not forget that your "master" also isnt some innocent goody two shoes in this. She is maybe not your ex. But all that mentioning of ex and breach of privacy(probably not the first time she did that btw) is a big red flag. That is the danger with insecure people. They can make stuff like this almost on daily basis. Next time it would be some of your friend. Or a colleague. Or any girl you came into contact with. If you agree to something like that and continue this, know what you can expect in future. 

She is insecure but other than that she has really great qualities I have not seen in other woman yet. And for that I do choose to accept her insecurity. Sometimes VERY REARELY she can be jealous but it's very minimal. It hasn't never really bothered me or been a burden on our relationship. It's just always seems to be something about my ex that makes this insecurity more prominent. I told her I am sorry for lying and that is not who I am or who I want to be even if I tried to prevent a conflict. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

From what its worth I dont think even your new relationship is that healthy.

Agree. You jumped from the frying pan to the fire. You were on the rebound and jumped into a new equally unhealthy relationship. You're stalking your ex, this one is rifling through your phone, etc.

 It's only 12 weeks and already it's a crash and burn situation rather than a happy appropriately paced fun situation.

 You're the common denominator in both these scenarios so take a deep breath, reflect and get the mental healthcare you need.

[justabunchofatoms]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. You jumped from the frying pan to the fire. You were on the rebound and jumped into a new equally unhealthy relationship.

 It's only 12 weeks and already it's a crash and burn situation rather than a happy appropriately paced fun situation.

 You're the common denominator in both these scenarios so take a deep breath, reflect and get the mental healthcare you need.

We've been together for almost 3 years. I don't understand what you are saying about these 12 weeks. We've also probably had only about 20 arguments and fights that ended fast in these almost 3 years which is really great considering how much time we spend together. 

[Batya33]

To regain trust :  you tell her that you betrayed her and you are sorry. You tell her what you plan to do so if never happens again. Then it’s up to her to accept or not. 

[justabunchofatoms]

Just now, Batya33 said:

To regain trust :  you tell her that you betrayed her and you are sorry. You tell her what you plan to do so if never happens again. Then it’s up to her to accept or not. 

thanks

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, justabunchofatoms said:

We've been together for almost 3 years. I don't understand what you are saying about these 12 weeks. 

Misread. Apologies. However it still sounds chaotic, erratic and dramatic.

[Rose Mosse]

She doesn’t trust you. You cannot make someone trust you again once that happens. Lies are not good. It’s plenty of denial and disrespect. Apologize and that’s all.

Avoid talking about your ex in future and tell her firmly that this is the past and you’d prefer not to keep going over it. She can take it or leave it. Rehashing old issues and monthly arguments don’t indicate a “great” relationship. It sounds chaotic and repetitive. I would stop feeling sorry for her also. You both have a past, let go of it and also get rid of feeling sorry for each other and what happened. 

Avoid having company over if they’re rude or immature discussing intimate details or items having to do with one of your exes. That’s inappropriate and just completely unnecessary. I thought it was disturbing that your gf could think of watching someone to laugh or mock them. Regardless of who it is, that kind of response would immediately cause me to draw back and I’d lose respect for that person. Things aren’t as great as you paint them. Decide whether you are in love with her or respect her in the first place. This sounds like only a roommate living together situation out of companionship and not wanting to feel lonely with not enough respect for one another or even others in general like your ex. 

[boltnrun]

Two unhealthy people in an unhealthy relationship.

Yes, what you describe is not a healthy relationship.  Her bringing up your ex frequently, you two fighting over it, your lying...it's clear the two of you have a LOT that you need to work out before you can be good for anyone let alone one another.

Now you're at the point where you're trying to justify your lie and she's lying in bed for days.  

I think the both of you need some therapy, not because you're "crazy" or broken in some way but to help with the self worth issues and all the negative feelings you have stored inside as well as the trauma from past abusive relationships.  It would be a good idea to work through your feelings about your ex as well.  If she was truly in your past you wouldn't be feeling "curious" about anything she's currently doing and then lying about it.

[jul-els]

A lot of drama between the two of you due to the insecurities you both cling to. Therapy would be helpful for you both. Both separately and together. 

[SooSad33]

On 9/10/2022 at 8:33 AM, justabunchofatoms said:

I know it's wrong to say this but I wanted to watch her life fail. I did not do because of no other reason. It made me curious and I wanted to have a laugh myself but I wanted to keep it away from my girlfriend because I just feel like it's not necessary.

Okay, so your gf is a little 'insecure'?  Then maybe the best YOU can do is reassure her.

Explain this part to her.  And remind her that you despise your ex!  And that you love what you've got now.

 

Hopefully things can simmer down some about all of this.

IMO, not a lot has been done wrong here... so what you looked something up on her.. nothing more... is time to move along.