Feeling like there's nothing left after college

[FrozenMoon]

Hello all,

I'm a recent graduate from college, having completed a four month internship at the end of July to wrap up my studies with, and am now going to officially start as an employee in this same company coming Monday. My task will be developing artificial intelligence, which I've always found a super fascinating field and which I genuinely loved working on in university. The company is a start-up and only consists of 4 people (myself included) as it stands, but they intend to expand rapidly within the upcoming year. My boss is fantastic and I've been given a lot of space and flexibility in terms of task choice, working schedule, and additional vacation days.

But I'm worried. During the internship, I had a good time, but I've always felt like something was missing. Something that now already makes me fear that I'm stuck and unable to move forward in my life, two days before I've officially even started. And I don't know what it is.

My best guess right now is that it has to do with the social environment. The people at my office are very friendly and chatty, but they're not of my age group (they're older). We do frequently lunch together with the office next to us who does have a few people my age, and they're good company, but somehow this also doesn't alleviate the feeling.
I feel like I miss the social environment of college. I miss meeting new people every month, I miss making friends instead of making colleagues, I miss going on excursions with them, and all that kinds of stuff. I just miss the college atmosphere. And my slowly growing fear is that this is not just a problem particular to the job that I'm doing now, because I hear everyone around me -- people who have also recently graduated in many different fields -- mention that they work their jobs alone or in groups of people of varying ages, too. And above all, that they don't truly see their colleagues as friends: because everyone's work and social life are separated. Which I understand, but to me, that signals that what I think I'm looking for is just simply not in the cards anymore after college concludes.

For context, I have plenty of social contacts outside of my job. I have many friends who I can almost always ring up to do something fun with. The problem is not that I'm alone. The problem, as I think I understand it, is that those 8 hours a day I spend at the office are so much less socially stimulating than those 8 hours a day I spent at college.

But then, I also don't even know if this is truly the problem. During my college years, I was always more than happy to go back to university after the vacation, because I truly enjoyed every hour I spent there. For none of the (summer) jobs I've ever worked I could say the same. The only time I sincerely enjoyed a job were the two months I worked as a student-assistant, but as this was a part-time job that I worked while simultaneously following regular courses, I don't know if this is a fair comparison.

I don't think the contents of the job are necessarily the problem, as again, I've always enjoyed programming and developing code at university. And I know I should eventually be getting a team to code with. On paper, everything about this job sounds so perfect. My employer offers me so much.

Truth is, I'm clueless as to what is causing me to feel like this. All I know is I don't want to settle for feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don't know if I should be worried, looking into already switching jobs, or even if I did, what I should switch to.. I just think I'll always compare everything to college, and that nothing will ever match up this way. Does anyone recognize this feeling?

[Wiseman2]

It's the beginning, not the end. That's why it's called "commencement".

The chummy college atmosphere is something you may miss but you can make friends by joining some groups and clubs volunteering getting involved in sports and fitness taking some classes and courses. 

You can always stay in touch with your fellow students and make more new friends. It's a transition but not impossible.

[Batya33]

It's certainly an adjustment so give yourself time and space to adjust to the new normal and congrats on finishing and having a great job!

My suggestions to get yourself over the slump:

make sure you're attending to your physical health -food is mood for example.  Make sure you're drinking tons of water every day, getting at least 20-30 minutes vigorous cardio daily -whether that's taking the stairs, walking briskly, running, going to a gym, taking a fitness class or cleaning your house with a vengeance

Find a volunteer opportunity - for your age group I recommend volunteering backstage at a community theater (or front if you act/sing, etc) - help build sets for example -it's really social, typically the people go out after as a group -I know you have friends but this may approach what it's like to be in a college atmosphere surrounded by people.

You do have to switch your mindset over time -and feeling well physically, exercising your body as well as your brain, being involved in a group activity with an end goal like putting on a theatrical production -these things will help.

For example -do you ever think you want to marry and/or have a family? Often that involves major lifestyle changes -it did for me from a woman living in a major city and socializing frequently at night and working her behind off at a demanding intense career and never having to think about whether to get a drivers license or need a car to get anywhere to -within a year's time (including engagement, wedding, pregnancy, relocating 800 miles away, leaving my career) a married mom with an intense job of caring for an infant/baby/toddler/school age child nowhere near my city where I grew up - entirely different schedule, surroundings, people, lifestyle.  I'd never lived with anyone either for more than a month. 

Talk about adjustment.  If I'd sat around comparing my life incessantly to what was my life for the prior 20 plus years in a major city I'd have done myself and my family a huge disservice. Get used to stretching yourself, getting out of your past comfort zone, accepting and even welcoming drastic changes.  

I do my utmost not to dwell on what was then -but what is now. That includes not telling new people in my life what my past life was like in any sense of comparison or complaining or being Debbie Downer about it. 

Yes I was overjoyed to become a married mom, to get 7 years of being a full time mom - but the reality required huge adjustments including in mindsets and perspective.  You have to decide if you have the grit and resilience to adjust and to look forward.  The suggestions I made will help you do that IMO

I loved college too but I went to mostly a commuter college so I didn't have the sort of experience you did.  Did the same for grad school -and also loved grad school so much, so I get it.  

[catfeeder]

Why not consider grad school?

You'll still meet new people with every class, and your current job may even allow you some study time and possibly subsidize the cost.

Major milestone transitions are difficult for everyone to one degree or another. Sure, you'll need to put more effort into maintaining a social life, but this is true of everyone.

Not everyone gets to roll right into an opportunity within their desired field, and there's no need to view it as a permanent situation. Over time, you'll learn whether this firm expands to the degree you would like, and you'll discover whether you can create the right position for yourself within it.

If not, then GONE are the days when our grandparents' advice of 'settling' into a lifetime job even remotely applies. People are transient and leapfrog to new opportunities all the time. Use that as a mental safety net while you give this firm the opportunity to teach you whether they are a great fit.

CongrAts on your graduation, and welcome to a new life! You get to decide what you'll want to make of it, and be cautious about assumptions. Those will only make you miserable, and they're not usually even accurate.

Head high. 

[FrozenMoon]

First of all, thank you for your replies, and your perspectives on the situation. I have genuinely found myself in an indecisive state of whether I should try something else already, but I do realize that if I never give any job the chance to prove itself, I'm never going to find something that I resonate with. I have a very hard time getting used to the new routine. I heavily dislike doing similar things every day. But I also dislike unpredictability. I realize what this means, haha -- I don't think having both is very realistic.

I love the suggestions of volunteering, thank you! Specifically the backstage volunteering at a community theater sounds good: turns out we have a big outdoor theater in a relatively nearby city. I've done a bit of searching, and I've also found volunteering opportunities at a nearby beach with activities that, I think, would be much enjoyed by my age group. I've just finished sending emails to both of them.

I've also done some searching on grad school -- I have to say, I live in the Netherlands, and I'm not entirely sure what the Dutch equivalent of grad school is. Haha. From what I've gathered, is it a fair conclusion to say it's effectively a Master's degree? Or is it something else? I would love to take more courses at university, but the Dutch system has unfortunately left me with a massive student debt which I need to start paying off soon, and for as far as I can tell we only have full-time education available on nearby universities. If I could find something to squeeze within my schedule (without hampering my ability to pay back my monthly debts), though, I'd definitely be up!

[Cherylyn]

This is not college anymore.  You're in the adult world now and paying bills.  College is for a bunch of kids who haven't been out in the world yet.  You've graduated from your carefree college days and now it's time to mature and be part of adulthood.

Join clubs and organizations which interest you within your age bracket.  If you're faith based, perhaps look into local churches because they have groups of young people there.  Perhaps your community has MeetUps.  Check online. 

Work is work.  Everyone feels alone doing work because that's what it is.  It's not a party.  People are serious about survival. 

Change the way you think and you will be better.  Accept current reality and go from there.  Don't look in the past anymore.  Today is a new day. 

[indea08]

I think you’ve got some good suggestions already, give them a try.

My initial reaction after reading your post was that it’s a little bit all over the place. You seem very aware of what’s not the problem, but can’t quite figure out what is the problem. In my experience with similar situations, clarity always comes with time. Something will happen…you’ll meet a new friend, get assigned a cool project, get fired from a job, have an argument with an old friend…some sort of experience, whatever that may be, will help you better understand where this unsettled feeling stems from. It just hasn’t happened yet.

I wonder if it’s the lack of a goal to work towards? In college, you felt like you were killing it. Great friends, great time, getting that degree. Always making progress. Winning. But now, you’ve got the degree. You’re the new kid on the block, surrounded by people who are older than you, and you’re at the very beginning of finding your path without a whole lot of concrete direction. Maybe you need specific goals to feel like you’re accomplishing something? Just something to consider.

You’re aware there’s something missing. Acknowledging that is a great first step. As you start trying some new experiences, you’ll learn some more about yourself. Sooner or later, something will have you feeling fulfilled again.

Side note: It sounds like your new job is a pretty positive situation. As someone who felt abused in the healthcare industry for the better half of my career… don’t take that for granted.

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

I feel like I miss the social environment of college. I miss meeting new people every month, I miss making friends instead of making colleagues, I miss going on excursions with them, and all that kinds of stuff. I just miss the college atmosphere. And my slowly growing fear is that this is not just a problem particular to the job that I'm doing now, because I hear everyone around me -- people who have also recently graduated in many different fields -- mention that they work their jobs alone or in groups of people of varying ages, too. And above all, that they don't truly see their colleagues as friends: because everyone's work and social life are separated.

First off, this is your place of employment, so regarding 'friendships' at your workplace, try not to expect too much there.

As for the differences of schooling and on into working - yes big change!  Transitioning can be a challenge 😕 .. You just need to take it easy and continue to 'learn'.  Learn how a true business runs.

Look to make friends outside your work place.  You made some friends while schooling?  Can you not just keep tabs with them?  I'm sure you have friends from all kinds of places.

 

7 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

The problem, as I think I understand it, is that those 8 hours a day I spend at the office are so much less socially stimulating than those 8 hours a day I spent at college.

Right.  So it's all different now 😉 - you just need to work through this change. ( transition).

 

7 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

I don't think the contents of the job are necessarily the problem, as again, I've always enjoyed programming and developing code at university. And I know I should eventually be getting a team to code with. On paper, everything about this job sounds so perfect. My employer offers me so much.

This is good- right?  🙂 

 

8 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

Truth is, I'm clueless as to what is causing me to feel like this. All I know is I don't want to settle for feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don't know if I should be worried, looking into already switching jobs, or even if I did, what I should switch to

Give yourself time.. to adjust to the changes.  No, don't look at changing anything!  Not for a good few months.. may even turn to years! 🙂 

You're just trying to adjust at this time.. give it all time.  Go for it!  Enjoy & good luck.

[catfeeder]

Yes, grad school is for a Master's degree, and your field is ripe for advancing with employer subsidies. 

One option might be a university teaching fellowship that will pay you to teach AND offer you master level courses for free.

This may even defer your student loans while you're still studying.

This would allow you to continue your campus life while earning a living and an advanced degree, which would raise your value.

[bluecastle]

8 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

All I know is I don't want to settle for feeling like this for the rest of my life.

Read these words back to yourself and imagine what you would tell a 12 year old who expressed them to you.

Odds are you would want to find a way to tell that kid that life is so, so big—bigger than anyone can ever quite understand—and that the craziest part of all, but also the most wonderful, is that we don't ever know how it's all going to look and feel, only that it is constantly changing. 

Or, put another way: part of adulthood, I think, is learning to embrace and find thrill in exactly what you said you don't like—unpredictability. This is the big challenge of leaving college for the wilds of life-life, as you have spent your entire life, up to now, on a predictable track, always knowing what's next: middle school after elementary school, high school after that, college after that. One of the many benefits of that is that it curbs the sort of existential thoughts you're having now. 

So, no, this is not who you are and how you will feel for the rest of your life. You will know the answers to all that at the very, very end of the thing you are just beginning. I say accept it as the way you feel now, start the job, which sounds pretty rad, see how it all settles. If this feeling, or one like it, is expanding? You address it then, and leaving jobs is a thing many people do, many times, over the course of their life. If not? You lean in, ride the wave.

All in all, this is what you'll be doing for many years to come—making a choice, seeing how it goes, adjusting as needed, using the information to continuously fine tune the radar and generate, on your own, the feeling of certainty (however illusory) that a more controlled environment like college provides for you. Consider this getting those sea legs, and being a little wobbly, and all that is expected and totally okay.

It gets easier, it really does. 

[Blue_Skirt]

Congratulations on your graduation and new job! This is going to be a next phase in your life. This is what you did your studies for, preparing you for a life as an adult having a job. I think it is great that you were offered a job at the company where you did your internship.

Now that college days are over, you are going to take on real life responsibilities. You accepted the job and you entered into an employment agreement with the company. That is a legally binding contract. You do the job as per the job description, you work a certain number of hours and you get paid a certain salary. So that is what you are going to do on Monday, you adhere to the contract.

Work place is just that, work place. It is not a place for socializing with friends (or dating), you are there to work. Just be friendly with people.

Do not change job already now, and there is no need to feel stuck. Your life is changing and things will be different from what you are used to from your college days. And you might feel a bit uneasy about it, but you should not have the idea that you are going to settle for this uneasy feeling for the rest of your life. You are going to start your first job, you are not going to marry you boss.

I do want you to think ahead though in case you are seriously considering changing job already now. What would future employers think of you when they learn that you did not even start your first job or left after a month or so?

I live in western Europe, and employment culture is probably different here than in the US, but I have interviewed and recruited many people in my previous job. Throughout my career, I have worked in accounting and financial / corporate services. I have always looked critically at resumes where people changed jobs a lot and where they were only at their jobs for short periods. Same goes for a lot of unexplained gaps in their working experience.

If I were interviewing you and I were considering to offer you a job, I would ask for references. I would not be pleased to hear from the company where you did your internship, that they were so happy with your work that they offered you a job, which you accepted, but where you then decided to not even start. I probably would not hire you.

Be happy that you have a job, simply do the best job you can do and learn as much as you can. Good luck!

[Cherylyn]

If you're serious about pursuing grad school while maintaining your day job, see if your company or other companies offer tuition reimbursement to help subsidize the cost.  It's something to think about.

[Jibralta]

On 9/2/2022 at 5:17 AM, FrozenMoon said:

And my slowly growing fear is that this is not just a problem particular to the job that I'm doing now, because I hear everyone around me -- people who have also recently graduated in many different fields -- mention that they work their jobs alone or in groups of people of varying ages, too. And above all, that they don't truly see their colleagues as friends: because everyone's work and social life are separated. Which I understand, but to me, that signals that what I think I'm looking for is just simply not in the cards anymore after college concludes.

Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you'd be more interested in being a socialite than holding down a job. I think that's a perfectly valid way to feel. Visualize it. What choices would you have to make today to put you in your ideal future?

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, Jibralta said:

And my slowly growing fear is that this is not just a problem particular to the job that I'm doing now, because I hear everyone around me -- people who have also recently graduated in many different fields -- mention that they work their jobs alone or in groups of people of varying ages, too. And above all, that they don't truly see their colleagues as friends: because everyone's work and social life are separated. Which I understand, but to me, that signals that what I think I'm looking for is just simply not in the cards anymore after college concludes.

At the large firm I worked at after grad school a lot of my colleagues would do happy hour downstairs at the bar on a Friday. Many were not from the city where the company was (I was) and, to me, honestly I didn't need to socialize with coworkers after working incredibly hard all week.  But see if that sort of thing is available either through your work or through related professional organizations.  On and off I've been part of women's networking organizations where they had similar social activities so maybe in your career/field they have similar.  You simply have to be more proactive - and it's worth it since you like being social.  

[HungryGhost]

I can relate. It's a huge adjustment going from school to work. I experienced what you are describing after each of my two degrees. The post-secondary experience is exhilarating, short, and impossible to replicate. That's what makes it so special. You will adjust over time. Every workplace is different re: culture. Where I currently work, I feel like some of my colleagues have become my friends. That takes time as well. 

Now, you can focus on the good parts of what comes after college. It sounds like you got onto a promising career path, and you could engage in goal setting and envision where you want your life to go. Also, having money instead of accumulating debt is a delightful change! What do you want to do with your money?

Since you are a college grad, you will never truly separate from it. It will always be a part of you, you will continue to hear from your college, and you will be able to attend reunions and homecoming events in the coming years to connect or reconnect with fellow alumni. All is not lost. This is the next phase of your journey. 

[Alex39]

On 9/2/2022 at 5:17 AM, FrozenMoon said:

Hello all,

I'm a recent graduate from college, having completed a four month internship at the end of July to wrap up my studies with, and am now going to officially start as an employee in this same company coming Monday. My task will be developing artificial intelligence, which I've always found a super fascinating field and which I genuinely loved working on in university. The company is a start-up and only consists of 4 people (myself included) as it stands, but they intend to expand rapidly within the upcoming year. My boss is fantastic and I've been given a lot of space and flexibility in terms of task choice, working schedule, and additional vacation days.

But I'm worried. During the internship, I had a good time, but I've always felt like something was missing. Something that now already makes me fear that I'm stuck and unable to move forward in my life, two days before I've officially even started. And I don't know what it is.

My best guess right now is that it has to do with the social environment. The people at my office are very friendly and chatty, but they're not of my age group (they're older). We do frequently lunch together with the office next to us who does have a few people my age, and they're good company, but somehow this also doesn't alleviate the feeling.
I feel like I miss the social environment of college. I miss meeting new people every month, I miss making friends instead of making colleagues, I miss going on excursions with them, and all that kinds of stuff. I just miss the college atmosphere. And my slowly growing fear is that this is not just a problem particular to the job that I'm doing now, because I hear everyone around me -- people who have also recently graduated in many different fields -- mention that they work their jobs alone or in groups of people of varying ages, too. And above all, that they don't truly see their colleagues as friends: because everyone's work and social life are separated. Which I understand, but to me, that signals that what I think I'm looking for is just simply not in the cards anymore after college concludes.

For context, I have plenty of social contacts outside of my job. I have many friends who I can almost always ring up to do something fun with. The problem is not that I'm alone. The problem, as I think I understand it, is that those 8 hours a day I spend at the office are so much less socially stimulating than those 8 hours a day I spent at college.

But then, I also don't even know if this is truly the problem. During my college years, I was always more than happy to go back to university after the vacation, because I truly enjoyed every hour I spent there. For none of the (summer) jobs I've ever worked I could say the same. The only time I sincerely enjoyed a job were the two months I worked as a student-assistant, but as this was a part-time job that I worked while simultaneously following regular courses, I don't know if this is a fair comparison.

I don't think the contents of the job are necessarily the problem, as again, I've always enjoyed programming and developing code at university. And I know I should eventually be getting a team to code with. On paper, everything about this job sounds so perfect. My employer offers me so much.

Truth is, I'm clueless as to what is causing me to feel like this. All I know is I don't want to settle for feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don't know if I should be worried, looking into already switching jobs, or even if I did, what I should switch to.. I just think I'll always compare everything to college, and that nothing will ever match up this way. Does anyone recognize this feeling?

I went through a similar experience at my first job. I remember looking out the window and thinking "I want to be where the people are" - ode to the Little Mermaid. 

Its a transition. You may feel like you are sitting working all day and missing out on social happenings outside those walls. But that's not happening. I learned to move on. 

Everyone my age graduated Andis working just like me. You don't want to be the old person who still is in the college mode. 

You just need time. Re-invent yourself. You are now a fresh, young, working professional. Embrace your new life. It's just different.