I like a guy, but we can never be

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

To clarify, I did not purposely not answer him at all. I normally answer him quickly. This day in particular,  I was excessively busy, was away from my phone, outdoors, and spending time with my family. I found it fascinating that he was worried if I was okay. I never did this on purpose. 

Do you hope that's a sign he wants to date you?

So let's say he does want to date you. Are you OK with foregoing most of the criteria you've set regarding the type of men you want to date?

[jul-els]

There’s no point in pining for someone who won’t take initiative, whatever the reasons may be.
 

Men are like buses, another one comes along every fifteen minutes.

 

But as long as you’re waiting for this one to show up, the rest of them are going to pass you by. 

[Wiseman2]

So he's your dream man, you're desperate for a BF, marriage and family but when someone finally shows a bit of interest, you're too busy with family? Maybe it's time to decide what you actually want. To be the spinster daughter or a life of your own?

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

To clarify, I did not purposely not answer him at all. I normally answer him quickly. This day in particular,  I was excessively busy, was away from my phone, outdoors, and spending time with my family. I found it fascinating that he was worried if I was okay. I never did this on purpose. 

If you found it fascinating you're too attached to this situation and I'd be careful about hanging around with him much.  At most it's an ego thing from his end- he likes your flattering attention and how into him you are without having to put in effort.  Much like his general attitude about his work prospects - he might now be pursuing a job but in general he is lackadaiscal in the ambition department but doesn't mind his parents paying attention to him or having potential employers show interest -but whether he does his part is anyone's guess.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, jul-els said:

But as long as you’re waiting for this one to show up, the rest of them are going to pass you by.

Exactly.  Had I waited for the really charming and handsome (but completely not for me/not that into me) guy to turn his life around and be into me in June 2005 instead of ending our 3 month dating relationship I'd have missed the opportunity to reconnect with my future husband 4 weeks later when he wanted to meet platonically to catch up.  I know myself and if "HE" had called or shown interest I'd likely have delayed meeting for dinner and/or gone but I'd have been waiting for Mr. Unavailable to call. 

But one night in June -another night where I waited for him to call, worried if he liked me enough - I took a firm stand with myself.  I said -this is it -I am not worrying and losing another night's sleep over this guy.  He is not that into me.  I am into him but I have to cut the cord. 

Very shortly after that I did -and I admit what motivated me to act even faster was him showing me a scary side of himself on our next date. But that a ha moment -that's when I started looking out for other buses -I was almost 39.  I was lucky to make myself available and I don't think I'd be a married mom now had I not.

[Tinydance]

Personally I would be thinking he's not that interested. It could be for different reasons but if you invited him over and he didn't come over then how can he be interested? As you said, he's not working or studying so he should have plenty of free time. He said he might come over if he doesn't get that job far away so I guess if he wants to come over later, the ball is in his court. I think no point asking him again, he knows he was invited.

 

[Alex39]

So this guy is driving me crazy. He's still around. I still like him. He sends me songs. We text asking about each other. Talking all the time.  He'll just send me random song links on YouTube. For all these romantic songs. It's so strange. I don't know what to make of it. He's been doing the song thing for years, but even recently the songs were all about love. One today was literally called "My Love"

And now he asked me if I'd like to go on a camping trip with him. His friend bought this amazing property far away and it's rumored to be haunted or something. He knows I'm into that stuff so he asked if I'd like to come along and camp out and explore it. Like who asks a girl who is a friend on a cross country trip with them? 

I am so confused. I'm happy as ever. I want to go with him. But I'm somewhat sad. I want to go on a trip with a boyfriend. Am I fooling myself that if we go, we'll turn into something more? Probably. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

And now he asked me if I'd like to go on a camping trip with him. His friend bought this amazing property far away and it's rumored to be haunted or something. He knows I'm into that stuff so he asked if I'd like to come along and camp out and explore it.

So? Go as friends. You really need to get out of the house out of your shell. He's not asking you to elope, so why not?

[Alex39]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So? Go as friends. You really need to get out of the house out of your shell. He's not asking you to elope, so why not?

That was my initial thought. This would be an amazing adventure. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So this guy is driving me crazy. He's still around. I still like him. He sends me songs. We text asking about each other. Talking all the time.  He'll just send me random song links on YouTube. For all these romantic songs. It's so strange. I don't know what to make of it. He's been doing the song thing for years, but even recently the songs were all about love. One today was literally called "My Love"

And now he asked me if I'd like to go on a camping trip with him. His friend bought this amazing property far away and it's rumored to be haunted or something. He knows I'm into that stuff so he asked if I'd like to come along and camp out and explore it. Like who asks a girl who is a friend on a cross country trip with them? 

I am so confused. I'm happy as ever. I want to go with him. But I'm somewhat sad. I want to go on a trip with a boyfriend. Am I fooling myself that if we go, we'll turn into something more? Probably. 

oh yes for sure -if you feel safe going -meaning you will drive there on your own etc -I'd go-what an adventure no matter what happens between the 2 of you -he obviously wants to spend time with you -so also now you can suggest a local activity prior to the trip

I'm not a huge fan of you letting him chat/flirt with you without a specific plan but now he's invited you to spend time in person, whether date or otherwise.  

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

That was my initial thought. This would be an amazing adventure. 

Are you concerned he's a serial killer🪓🧟‍♂️ Or you'll have to have sex with him? 🏕💕

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Am I fooling myself that if we go, we'll turn into something more?

You will never know if you dont try. However, yes, if he cant commit, chances are that he wants a sex friend and not commitment.

[boltnrun]

I strongly recommend you do not have sex with him if you think he's not interested in a committed relationship or if he doesn't meet the criteria you previously spelled out for the type of man you're looking for.  Especially if you bond through physical intimacy.

And don't latch onto him just because you want a boyfriend.  It's important to find the right boyfriend, not just any male who's nice to you.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 I want to go with him. But I'm somewhat sad. I want to go on a trip with a boyfriend. 

Was it just thinking aloud or did he specifically ask you with times dates specific plans? Do you like camping?

You really do need to step outside your comfort zone, making new male friends would benefit you.

Stop thinking of everyone as a potential BF. You need a social life. Especially away from your mother and hen parties.

Not everything with a Y chromosome has to be sized up as a potential future husband. 

Step outside the box. This is a good thing. Maybe you'll roast marshmallows. Maybe you'll do more. So?

 

 

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was it just thinking aloud or did he specifically ask you with times dates specific plans? Do you like camping?

You really do need to step outside your comfort zone, making new male friends would benefit you.

Stop thinking of everyone as a potential BF. You need a social life. Especially away from your mother and hen parties.

Not everything with a Y chromosome has to be sized up as a potential future husband. 

Step outside the box. This is a good thing. Maybe you'll roast marshmallows. Maybe you'll do more. So?

 

 

Yes I agree with this. You seem to crush on guys very easily, basically get really into any guy who shows you any attention. There is nothing wrong with liking guys but it also comes across like you do start thinking of any guy you're talking to as your future boyfriend/husband and you become very fixated on him. It's totally normal to want to have someone special in your life but it's also important just to live life in general. Your quality of life and self worth shouldn't just depend on whether a guy likes you or not.

Having said that, I think you should go camping with him. You don't really have anything to lose. Haunted places are awesome! I'm jealous lol

[Alex39]

So I was out with his mother today. She and I are friends.

And he gets brought up in conversation. She tells me how she thinks he'd like to ask me out. I'm surprised. But she goes on saying how he has nothing to offer me, and he's embarrassed, so he won't. But how she thinks he'd like to if his life was different.  She says how "he says he likes you and he finds you attractive"

So I say "he likes me?"

She's like "well I don't know in a romantic way, he hasn't said that."

So interesting conversation. 

[boltnrun]

How would this work?

He lives with his mother and doesn't have a job and is planning to move away.

I thought you had criteria for a potential date. Are you OK with disregarding your own requirements?

Let's say you two start dating. You can't spend the night with him because he lives with his mom. So he'd have to stay with you. You would have to pay for everything because he doesn't have a job. If he moves in you'd have to support him financially, at least until he gets around to finding a job (if he ever does).

Are you sure this is what you want? Or are you just really wanting a boyfriend?

I know someone who, as she said, was tired of being single. So she literally found a homeless guy and moved him in after their second date. She paid for him to get a haircut, get his teeth cosmetically worked on and got him a facial and bought him new clothes. After all that he kept "losing" one job after another because he preferred to have her support him. Last I heard she was trying to get him to move out.

I know someone else who supports her boyfriend on her clerk's salary because he won't get a job. But, she tells me, he's good looking! He spends her money on drugs for himself according to her, but she can look at him!

I just hope you proceed with caution and keep your wits about you. His mom may be nice but she isn't the one you'd be dating.

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How would this work?

He lives with his mother and doesn't have a job and is planning to move away.

I thought you had criteria for a potential date. Are you OK with disregarding your own requirements?

Let's say you two start dating. You can't spend the night with him because he lives with his mom. So he'd have to stay with you. You would have to pay for everything because he doesn't have a job. If he moves in you'd have to support him financially, at least until he gets around to finding a job (if he ever does).

Are you sure this is what you want? Or are you just really wanting a boyfriend?

I know someone who, as she said, was tired of being single. So she literally found a homeless guy and moved him in after their second date. She paid for him to get a haircut, get his teeth cosmetically worked on and got him a facial and bought him new clothes. After all that he kept "losing" one job after another because he preferred to have her support him. Last I heard she was trying to get him to move out.

I know someone else who supports her boyfriend on her clerk's salary because he won't get a job. But, she tells me, he's good looking! He spends her money on drugs for himself according to her, but she can look at him!

I just hope you proceed with caution and keep your wits about you. His mom may be nice but she isn't the one you'd be dating.

Yep, I second this. I fear your crush will lead you to easily jump into the role of this guy's second mommy-dearest. She enables him now, but she'll gladly push him onto you so he becomes your problem.

I so hope that I'm wrong.

 

 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

How would this work?

He lives with his mother and doesn't have a job and is planning to move away.

I thought you had criteria for a potential date. Are you OK with disregarding your own requirements?

Let's say you two start dating. You can't spend the night with him because he lives with his mom. So he'd have to stay with you. You would have to pay for everything because he doesn't have a job. If he moves in you'd have to support him financially, at least until he gets around to finding a job (if he ever does).

Are you sure this is what you want? Or are you just really wanting a boyfriend?

I know someone who, as she said, was tired of being single. So she literally found a homeless guy and moved him in after their second date. She paid for him to get a haircut, get his teeth cosmetically worked on and got him a facial and bought him new clothes. After all that he kept "losing" one job after another because he preferred to have her support him. Last I heard she was trying to get him to move out.

I know someone else who supports her boyfriend on her clerk's salary because he won't get a job. But, she tells me, he's good looking! He spends her money on drugs for himself according to her, but she can look at him!

I just hope you proceed with caution and keep your wits about you. His mom may be nice but she isn't the one you'd be dating.

No no, I think you are misunderstanding me. 

I like him. We have a lot in common. He's a good guy. I wouldn't date him without him at least having a job.

He won't date at all unless he has a job and has a decent life for himself. His goal is to get a job and move out. Then he says he will date.  I will never just support a guy. He will never accept me supporting him ad he's said. So we are friends and that's it. 

He told me yesterday that he doesn't want to move away anymore and wants to stay here. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, I second this. I fear your crush will lead you to easily jump into the role of this guy's second mommy-dearest. She enables him now, but she'll gladly push him onto you so he becomes your problem.

I so hope that I'm wrong.

 

 

He won't date me. He doesn't want to be a mooch. His mom is not at all trying to pawn him off on me. She loves him. She wants him to get a job and move out. That's what he wants to. He's really trying hard to do so. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

So I was out with his mother today. She and I are friends.

And he gets brought up in conversation. She tells me how she thinks he'd like to ask me out. I'm surprised. But she goes on saying how he has nothing to offer me, and he's embarrassed, so he won't. But how she thinks he'd like to if his life was different.  She says how "he says he likes you and he finds you attractive"

So I say "he likes me?"

She's like "well I don't know in a romantic way, he hasn't said that."

So interesting conversation. 

Do you want to go on the camping trip? What exactly is wrong with male friends?

Why does everything have to sound like an arranged marriage? Is that how it works in your culture? The mothers decide the fate of their kids romantic lives?

What his mother thinks/says is speculation and hearsay.

I don't think she is trying to fob him off on you. You haven't even had so much as coffee together. Stop talking to her about him.

[Batya33]

Is this the FB guy who asked you to go camping? That's a different guy from the live at home guy, right?  As for live at home it's really odd that the mother shared that information with you - why would she throw that out there -you're supposed to be flattered that her son told her he finds you attractive but he's not dateable? I'd steer clear of sharing personal info with the mom from now on,

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

No no, I think you are misunderstanding me. 

I like him. We have a lot in common. He's a good guy. I wouldn't date him without him at least having a job.

He won't date at all unless he has a job and has a decent life for himself. His goal is to get a job and move out. Then he says he will date.  I will never just support a guy. He will never accept me supporting him ad he's said. So we are friends and that's it. 

He told me yesterday that he doesn't want to move away anymore and wants to stay here. 

Why can't he find a job? How long has he been unemployed?

EVERYONE where I live is hiring. There are signs in windows and ads on Indeed and other job websites. They are offering better pay than ever before. Is he claiming that not one business in his area has a job opening?

His lack of getting a job shows you clearly who he is.

Sure, being friendly is of course fine. But his mom trying to sell him to you as a dating prospect is frankly kind of absurd.

Is this the man who wants you to go overnight camping with him? If so, is his mom paying for this trip or are you supposed to?

[Alex39]

This is not the guy from Facebook. This is my friends son.

He got out of the military and has struggled to find a full time job. He doesn't want to work some dumb part time restaurant gig. He wants a career. He's told his mother he wants a stable career, to move out, then he'd love to date, get married, have kids. He's 35. I talk to him often. He's very smart, eloquent, and kind. 

[Alex39]

Yes, this is the camping guy. I was confused about the camping trip,because it costs money to go anywhere. Either we'd drive cross country or fly. Money. We need to eat. Money. We can stay for free. But again, any trip costs some money. So I was surprised he brought it up to me. With no job.