Should I make a move on this guy?

[JayJay8]

Hi,
I am really stuck in this situation and I haven't had much in the way of dating experience so here goes.

I have known this guy at work for 5 years. I used to work for him but after I changed jobs 4 years ago he has been behaving "weirdly", so my best friend says.

I returned to the building when COVID restrictions had eased and on my first day I set up my new desk (I started my new role on the day I returned to the office) which was around the corner from his. This was the discussion I heard between him and one of his direct reports, whom I will talk to in passing:

Him: (my name) has just posted herself around the corner from us! 
Direct report (my name)?
Him: Yeah, (my name)!!! (said more excitedly)

I frowned to myself and thought, "OK, that's a bit weird." Not just because he said this in a work environment but he is someone that is normally quiet and private and doesn't let his emotions show that easily, especially positive ones. I thought I'd better not read into it, but I told my best friend later who said it seemed "creepy".

For the subsequent weeks and months (this guy doesn't come into the office every day, just now and then when he's required so he primarily works from home), one time I was on my own I saw him out of the corner of my eye slowly walking over to me (I am guessing to talk?) but then two women came from the other end of the corridor and he quickly pulled away from me without stopping to talk to them. That same day before two of his team left he was heard to ask one of them "Does (my name) usually take breaks on her own out there? I was going to talk to her."
It's been noted by others that he has been trying to get hold of my contact details (mostly my phone number) and the department I work for. He won't go as far as contact me remotely.

A couple of weeks ago I was in email contact with another one of his direct reports for something work related and he was copied in on the email. He didn't communicate with me at all, but I overheard her friend talking to his sister (who also reports to him) and the friend you can hear all through the office, say "he actually went out of his way to find out where (my name) works?" and his sister said "yeah, because no one would tell him anything."

He doesn't smile that often but lately he will give me small, shy smiles around me, ones that make his eyes look softer and bigger. I would like to talk to him, but he is so work focused and is not a conversationalist unless it relates to the job or company.

I would like to think he is a decent guy. He used to help me when I worked with him, he's very direct and not afraid to speak his mind and he is very intelligent. What is stopping me, is my own introversion and from what others are implying - that he is bad news.

A very good friend I speak to at work thinks the opposite and says "oh he's just socially awkward. He's a big, bald, lumbering guy who looks like a brute and is the most socially clunky person ever. If I were you I would just talk to him." But it's a case of speaking to him when he is at his most comfortable which is when he and I are alone. And I don't even think he is comfortable with me approaching him because I would feel like I am overstepping boundaries with him.

Any ways to go about this are appreciated, thanks 🙂
 

[SooSad33]

Would you really want to get involved with some guy you work with? 😕 .  That is often not a good idea.  Should all go south, you are stuck in an awkward situation then, right?

 

Think about this.. before you make any moves or even consider going further than a basic 'co worker' basis.

IMO< is fine to have the thrill of some guy fancying me, but not exactly at my work place.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JayJay8 said:

Him: (my name) has just posted herself around the corner from us! 
Direct report (my name)?
Him: Yeah, (my name)!!! (said more excitedly)

If he is in a supervisory position do not be anything but professional.

[Rose Mosse]

It's probably best to leave this alone. What on earth do you see in him? 

In your entire report all I got from this was another employee inquiring about you. 

[Wonderstruck]

5 hours ago, JayJay8 said:

It's been noted by others that he has been trying to get hold of my contact details (mostly my phone number) and the department I work for. He won't go as far as contact me remotely.

A couple of weeks ago I was in email contact with another one of his direct reports for something work related and he was copied in on the email. He didn't communicate with me at all, but I overheard her friend talking to his sister (who also reports to him) and the friend you can hear all through the office, say "he actually went out of his way to find out where (my name) works?" and his sister said "yeah, because no one would tell him anything."

I would like to think he is a decent guy. He used to help me when I worked with him, he's very direct and not afraid to speak his mind and he is very intelligent. What is stopping me, is my own introversion and from what others are implying - that he is bad news.
 

 

WHOA.

All of the parts that I've bolded seem like huge red flags, yet you seem pretty nonchalant about them for some reason.

Aren't you the least bit creeped out about the fact that he has been going out of his way to try to get your contact information WITHOUT your knowledge or permission?

Also, most importantly, WHY are others implying that he is "bad news"? What specifically have they said about him to indicate that he is bad news? And why are you ignoring their warnings about him?

I would keep your distance and find out A LOT more about this guy before you decide to pursue anything.

[Andrina]

Yeah, this is a grown man who acts like a junior high kid. Ever hear of emotional intelligence? His is stunted.

It seems like the only reason you're into him is because you see him as a fan of you, and you've probably had a huge dry spell with dating. 

There's something I've noticed with many couples. There's a mixture of an introvert and extrovert in the couplings. Rarely do I see two introverts and two extroverts. With two introverts, it takes too long for one to break the ice, and for the couple to feel comfortable with one another. 

How about looking into local meet up groups to gradually get to know singles in your age group who meet for fun activities? Put yourself out in the world for more dating opportunities. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, JayJay8 said:

... from what others are implying - that he is bad news.

I'd find out more about this and get clarity before anything else.

[Alex39]

11 hours ago, JayJay8 said:

Hi,
I am really stuck in this situation and I haven't had much in the way of dating experience so here goes.

I have known this guy at work for 5 years. I used to work for him but after I changed jobs 4 years ago he has been behaving "weirdly", so my best friend says.

I returned to the building when COVID restrictions had eased and on my first day I set up my new desk (I started my new role on the day I returned to the office) which was around the corner from his. This was the discussion I heard between him and one of his direct reports, whom I will talk to in passing:

Him: (my name) has just posted herself around the corner from us! 
Direct report (my name)?
Him: Yeah, (my name)!!! (said more excitedly)

I frowned to myself and thought, "OK, that's a bit weird." Not just because he said this in a work environment but he is someone that is normally quiet and private and doesn't let his emotions show that easily, especially positive ones. I thought I'd better not read into it, but I told my best friend later who said it seemed "creepy".

For the subsequent weeks and months (this guy doesn't come into the office every day, just now and then when he's required so he primarily works from home), one time I was on my own I saw him out of the corner of my eye slowly walking over to me (I am guessing to talk?) but then two women came from the other end of the corridor and he quickly pulled away from me without stopping to talk to them. That same day before two of his team left he was heard to ask one of them "Does (my name) usually take breaks on her own out there? I was going to talk to her."
It's been noted by others that he has been trying to get hold of my contact details (mostly my phone number) and the department I work for. He won't go as far as contact me remotely.

A couple of weeks ago I was in email contact with another one of his direct reports for something work related and he was copied in on the email. He didn't communicate with me at all, but I overheard her friend talking to his sister (who also reports to him) and the friend you can hear all through the office, say "he actually went out of his way to find out where (my name) works?" and his sister said "yeah, because no one would tell him anything."

He doesn't smile that often but lately he will give me small, shy smiles around me, ones that make his eyes look softer and bigger. I would like to talk to him, but he is so work focused and is not a conversationalist unless it relates to the job or company.

I would like to think he is a decent guy. He used to help me when I worked with him, he's very direct and not afraid to speak his mind and he is very intelligent. What is stopping me, is my own introversion and from what others are implying - that he is bad news.

A very good friend I speak to at work thinks the opposite and says "oh he's just socially awkward. He's a big, bald, lumbering guy who looks like a brute and is the most socially clunky person ever. If I were you I would just talk to him." But it's a case of speaking to him when he is at his most comfortable which is when he and I are alone. And I don't even think he is comfortable with me approaching him because I would feel like I am overstepping boundaries with him.

Any ways to go about this are appreciated, thanks 🙂
 

1. Sounds like he has a crush. He probably did when you worked under him too but he knew it was a conflict of interest. 

2. It actually sounds sweet. And he's excited he isn't your boss, and wants to casually talk to you

3. Getting involved at work is so tricky. Unbelievably tricky. If it goes wrong, it's awkward and could mean drama. I experienced this myself and I'll never do it again, unless I really liked the guy and thought we'd get married. 

If you really really really like him, then send him an email asking to go to lunch sometime. Take that pressure off of him. If you don't think you'll like him, keep it professional and if he asks you out, then say you are seeing someone, and that you are sorry and call it a day. Offer to be friends. 

[lostandhurt]

Everyone says don't date a coworker but how many people do we know that are with someone they met at work?  Could it turn out to be a mess?  Yes but the same could be said of any other relationship.

It is a matter or the risk you are willing to take.  Be willing to change jobs if it doesn't work out...

As far as how to handle this goes. Make it easy on him to approach you. Smile when you see him and say hi using his name. Ask how his weekend was and if he says something interesting say "that is interesting, I would love to hear more about it"  Get my point?  Make it easy for him to muster the courage to ask you to lunch or something. If that fails then park close to where he  parks and walk out at the same time and ask him if he would like to grab dinner together.

  Lost

[smackie9]

Maybe he has a crush on you, but doesn't want to ask you out in the middle of the workplace, hence wanting an email or FB, etc to do it privately. A lot of people will do this. I would ask him if he would like to grab a bite for lunch, or bring extra for lunch and offer him a meal that way. They say the way to a man's heart.....