Girl I’ve Been Talking To Is Acting Very Reserved

[WalnutStreet]

So this girl I was very close with for our last semester of college (exclusive/pretty much dating without labels due to her fear of commitment), and then we moved away from each other but still text and snap constantly. We discussed our future and decided that the end of college is a big event and we will revisit becoming romantic and maybe adding a label in the future.

Recently, she’s seemed more quiet and reserved and not being on her phone as often and just a huge mood change in general. I brought it to her attention multiple times and she told me she’s just not on her phone as often at the moment and that “she feels alone when she’s not texting me”.

It’s easy to say that she’s talking to other guys, but her friends tell me that they can’t see her doing that. I’ve been thinking of what it could be cuz this change in behavior is not normal. I know that she has a VERY immature mother who for a lack of better words, is a child that the girl has to keep in check. However, the girl also started a habit of smoking weed constantly throughout the day, maybe to cope with losing a great life in college. This, along with her literally being bipolar, I fear could be the reason for her being weird rn.
 

We just saw a concert a few days ago and it felt awesome to be with her. We went with her mom and her moms friends and it did feel like we were there “together”. She still seemed to avoid anything bluntly romantic, which I didn’t mind cuz I don’t wanna rush into anything romantic and ruin everything. However, the next day she was quiet over text again. 
 

In the recent past, she’s expressed that she really wants me to stay in her life (she lost a lot of friends over the span of the last year and I was there to make her feel wanted and loved as college ended), but this is just so strange.

Could it be weed and her going through a lot that’s affecting her behavior? I’m so lost and tired because I don’t know what this could be.

[Rose Mosse]

She's finishing college so hopefully weed and boys or keeping her immature mother in check aren't the only things on her mind. She may be worried about employment and finding a job if she doesn't have one, or moving away for better opportunities. 

My advice to you is to detach yourself and be less involved in her moods. You see that she's dealing with something so give her some space. Is she actually bipolar or are you exaggerating? 

[WalnutStreet]

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[WalnutStreet]

11 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She's finishing college so hopefully weed and boys or keeping her immature mother in check aren't the only things on her mind. She may be worried about employment and finding a job if she doesn't have one, or moving away for better opportunities. 

My advice to you is to detach yourself and be less involved in her moods. You see that she's dealing with something so give her some space. Is she actually bipolar or are you exaggerating? 

So it’s her mother ironically that she has to keep in check. Her parents never married and her mom, love her, is extremely childish and a huge cigarette smoker, which could lead to her daughter also turning to smoking. To add on to what you mentioned, she’s said that if she does move, she doesn’t wanna move far from her parents. And she is clinically diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so she is literally bipolar.

[Batya33]

She's not afraid of commitment -she's just not that into you so she's referring to bf/gf as just a label which is silly.  Boyfriend/girlfriend means you two don't want to date others or look to date others. It means you care for each other and are loyal to each other.  If she felt that way about you she wouldn't want to risk telling you she's "afraid" of "labeling" -she'd want to know that both of you were committed to the other.  It's not about her mom or any psychoanalysis -leave that to the professionals. 

If she's bipolar she might not be available for a commitment with anyone if her bipolar issues are hampering her ability to connect with others in that way (my dad was bipolar and committed to my mom when he was 19 and remained committed to her until he died at age 83). 

But I'd simply assume she's not that into you -she's happy to date you casually -and if you want something else and want someone who would never see "boyfriend" as just a "label" let her go and find that person.

[Kwothe28]

Are you romantic with her? Because this seems like a friends situation where she keeps promising you that you will be a thing but it could maybe never happen. She maybe enjoys having you there. But not as a partner.

Thing with that is that people who want to be with you, would just be with you. You wont have to jump through hoops, wait some date that will never come etc. People that dont? They will maybe keep you there. For attention, to have a fan, maybe just because they need a friend(you mentioned her other friends are gone). But they wont be with you. 

Also, you want somebody who is bipolar, smokes weed a lot, and has a fear of commitment(by her own words) as a partner. That is a truckload of red flags just by itself and even if you somehow manage to get some relationship there, it wont last. It didnt last before and it probably wont now. So just abandon ship before you get hurt more there. 

[smackie9]

Bipolar is highs(mania) and lows (depression). She's on a low. You kinda have to watch for that and you can't take it personally it's just the way she is. 

[MissCanuck]

It's not weed or her mom. 

I think she sees you as a friend and doesn't have the courage to tell you that. She likes your company when it suits her, but she's trying to keep you in the Friend Zone. If she were interested in you that way, she wouldn't be waiting until some unclear point in the future to date you. 

7 hours ago, WalnutStreet said:

I brought it to her attention multiple times

This is your cue to stop. When someone wants to talk to you, you won't need to remind them multiple times that you exist. She doesn't appear to be as interested anymore, so it's best that you read the writing on the wall and step back. I wouldn't expect this to develop beyond this point, man. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, WalnutStreet said:

 started a habit of smoking weed constantly throughout the day, maybe to cope with losing a great life in college. This, along with her literally being bipolar.

Are you friends or dating? So many red flags from substance abuse to untreated serious mental health issues.

She may be a lot of fun for now, but don't hang on to this when you go back to college.

[Rose Mosse]

On 7/8/2022 at 3:00 PM, WalnutStreet said:

So it’s her mother ironically that she has to keep in check. Her parents never married and her mom, love her, is extremely childish and a huge cigarette smoker, which could lead to her daughter also turning to smoking. To add on to what you mentioned, she’s said that if she does move, she doesn’t wanna move far from her parents. And she is clinically diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so she is literally bipolar.

I’m sorry. I edited my post to her mother before you replied. If she is bipolar, smoking weed, worried about her mother or family, you are already setting yourself up for a huge headache. I understand you have feelings for her but dating someone shouldn’t be so difficult. She’s keeping you at armslength and seems to be pulled in different directions and stressed. 

Being her friend isn’t an option if you keep wanting to date her or want something more out of what this is. It seems very limited and frustrating for you.