Wife doesn't orgasm

[hub49]

9 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

What a weird topic. It starts more as one seeking advice but then gets to rude venting and validation seeking. So, since it's hard to address the gist of it, I will address certain parts.

To me it's cruel to serve divorce papers to a partner of 20 years without ever raising your concerns and frustrations around topic X that's the reason for the divorce. I get it's somewhat a taboo topic but the lack of communication at this point is a shared responsibility. Why - because even if it was pure unwillingness of one of the parties to talk about it, the other went along with it for two decades. This means they were okay like that.
Also, you'll server the papers and say what? Nothing, because it's taboo to talk about it? Crazy unfair. But, with that said, if you absolutely won't work on it and will continue building resentment against your clueless wife, maybe go ahead, I don't know, up to you.

I'm one of the women who can't orgasm from penetration. Or, I can, but I've noticed the pose and pace I need for that aren't very stimulating for my partners. So, sometimes I choose not to bother and sometimes I ask for additional attention only on me, if I would like to finish. With that said, I experience great pleasure from sex, just rarely happen to get the sudden climatic end to it, that's it.

I always explain that and if men try to make it about themselves I internally roll my eyes to the drama. It's like there's a written down manual which says "men are not real men if they can't bring their partner to orgasm N times". Mine instead says "partners should be greatly interested in each other's safety and pleasure" and that's enough.

To me sex is intimacy, communication, vulnerability, trust, pleasure and many other things. Counting orgasms sounds like a weird fixation.

Thank you for coming in to look down your nose at me.  You know NOTHING about my life other than what you've read here.  But, just the same, congrats on being a better person.  If that makes you feel better.  I guess this is me rude venting now, but whatever I choose to do in my life won't require the validation of total strangers on an anonymous forum.  Not sure of the point(s) you were trying to make (if any) because it all came off like gratuitous bashing.

[SherrySher]

21 hours ago, hub49 said:

If you haven't orgasmed with a partner, are not willing to explore, and don't seem to care if you have one, then you shut your f-ing mouth and don't bring it up so the other partner doesn't have to feel like sh-t.

Cutting off someone from deep sexual intimacy is cruel, it's a rejection, and dare I say it's a betrayal.  Because you go into a marriage in good faith, with the intention to be exclusive to that person and share deep intimacy with them.  To close that off is not living up to what you had promised.

I know I've upset a lot of people here, who feel that I have no reason to complain about anything in this situation.  And, that's fine, we don't know each other so I don't take it personally.  I guess I'll just close by saying it's evident I don't have a full partner, so why should I be one?  If I had an affair, filed for divorce, or both, I know I tried.  I can't say the same for my "partner."

You have every reason to be upset. Your feelings are valid, your upset is valid.

The only thing I would comment on, when it comes to reading your words, is that you are very clearly quite upset and have a lot of anger over this.

No doubt it's been humiliating, emasculating, hurtful, and upsetting.

But the thing is, everything that has happened can create different issues in you in the future if they aren't addressed and healed.

I'm not talking about your relationship with your wife, or your marriage at the moment, I am only focused on what damage this has done to to you, your ego, and your emotional well being.

You've got anger you've been holding inside for a long time and it's very obvious.

Please consider seeking out a counsellor or therapist to help you work through these emotions.

Find a way to get yourself in a better headspace, for your own sake, no one else's.

Maybe you think a possible divorce, or maybe even a fling, a few drinks? Might solve these issues, but it could be a lot more in depth than that and it really does sound like you could use a professional to hear you out and help you work through the damage that this whole situation has done to you.

Your emotional health matters, your well being matters and your happiness matters.

I hope you find a way to heal. 

[reinventmyself]

11 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

To me sex is intimacy, communication, vulnerability, trust, counting orgasms sounds like a weird fixation.

 

There's a reason behind the common joke, or no joking - about women if they fake an orgasm.  (Harry met Sally) It's because we know that our partner is unnecessarily inclined to feel like a failure for something we may not have control over everytime.

To me, or for a lot of women intimacy isn't all about the big O.  It's about that safe space with our partner when we feel very physically and emotionally connected.  

What struck me about the moment she shared that she became dry  midway and just wanted him to finish, it was  was a perfect opportunity for him to say "I am so glad you shared that with me!  I want to know these things Babe. we're in this together. next time let me know when that's happening". There's a simple remedy for that.  

Instead he chose not to discuss it further and further validate his reason for a divorce. 

Repeatedly throughout this thread he mentions how he chooses not to pursue the conversation when there is an opportunity.  I would be humiliated if my husband was here discussing some things so personal with internet strangers before he respectfully thought to tell me how he was feeling first    Yet she's the one with the communication problem?

Therapy is way cheaper than divorce.  You'll thank yourself if you forensically explore every angle so you don't look back with regrets.

 

[SherrySher]

10 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

What a weird topic.

In your opinion, but OP came to ask for help. I don't think this comment is necessary, or is helpful.

10 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Counting orgasms sounds like a weird fixation.

Again, in your opinion. This man sounds like he is genuinely upset, do you feel this is helping?

Empathy goes a long way.

[mylolita]

Anger and what should be done or how this is approached aside, a couples sex life is a highly individual, private thing. What one couple expects and what the other wants and what one likes and what the other doesn’t varies so greatly.

 

The problem is, Hub is very unhappy, and hurt. He feels he can’t communicate this subject with his wife. May be partly your fault Hub; which I know you have acknowledged, and may be partly your wives. Takes two to tango. But in some issues within marriages, sometimes one is causing the main issue or putting up blocks more than the other. The one making the effort feels useless and well… like, what’s the point(?!) when it gets bad.

 

Talking this through in a loving and respectful way would be ideal. But this sounds like, a big incompatibility sexually.

 

Maybe I am wrong!

 

x

[mylolita]

I also think bring at loggerheads with anyone over anything for over 20 years is going to build unchbtwinsvje resentment and anger, be it right or wrong. 
 

x

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

There's a reason behind the common joke, or no joking - about women if they fake an orgasm. 

[boltnrun]

My friend called me crying a few years ago because she found out her husband had been having affairs.  She couldn't understand why or how he could do such a thing. Well, turns out she'd actually kicked him out of their marital bed months earlier because their child wanted to sleep in their bed and there wasn't enough room for the three of them, plus it made any intimacy nearly impossible.  Now, having affairs was absolutely NOT the right answer, but he'd tried talking to her and she wouldn't budge about letting the child sleep in their bed.  I don't agree with his choice to have affairs, but I can also imagine how rejected a man would feel when his own wife doesn't want to sleep with him.

Whether or not your wife wants to discuss your feelings regarding sex a conversation is vital.  I would caution you, however, to not overemphasize her apparent lack of orgasms because that isn't about you even if it feels like it is.  I don't always orgasm, but I absolutely love sex and would have it twice a day every day if I could.  So, talk to her about how you feel about your intimate life and avoid placing fault or blame on her. 

Side note, one main reason why I divorced my husband is because we didn't have sex for an entire year.  If my spouse doesn't desire me, why stay married to him?

[hub49]

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

In your opinion, but OP came to ask for help. I don't think this comment is necessary, or is helpful.

Again, in your opinion. This man sounds like he is genuinely upset, do you feel this is helping?

Empathy goes a long way.

Sher, thanks for your comments.  I saw nothing helpful in what the other poster had written.  It was as if she mistook this board for the "Am I the A-hole" sub on Reddit.  It's clear what she'd label me as, trust me, message delivered.  The only value in her posting was bumping this topic to the top so it would be seen by those who legitimately want to add to the conversation.

I'm not looking to be pat on the head and told "it's okay" or for someone to label my wife as the one responsible for all of this.  I think the sane posters here get that and see a person who is struggling to process what is in front of him.  

We all want to feel that the person we are excited about being with has the same feelings as us.  Life is too short to settle.  There have been sexual encounters where my wife, by outside appearances, did seem to enjoy it.  I could tell from how she touched or kissed me that she was into it.  It wasn't starfish mode.  She didn't noticeably orgasm or describe herself as having "peaked" in those encounters, but it seemed good, so why rock the boat?  Do you want to poke the nest when there is no need to do so?   Other times, we didn't seem to click as hard.  Oh well, there's another day. 

But when you have lingering doubt about whether someone is truly enjoying themselves -- and when such a big deal is made about orgasms -- the takeaway can be soul-destroying even if everything else in the relationship is functional.  My sincere thanks to those who saw that as my message.

[mylolita]

39 minutes ago, hub49 said:

Sher, thanks for your comments.  I saw nothing helpful in what the other poster had written.  It was as if she mistook this board for the "Am I the A-hole" sub on Reddit.  It's clear what she'd label me as, trust me, message delivered.  The only value in her posting was bumping this topic to the top so it would be seen by those who legitimately want to add to the conversation.

I'm not looking to be pat on the head and told "it's okay" or for someone to label my wife as the one responsible for all of this.  I think the sane posters here get that and see a person who is struggling to process what is in front of him.  

We all want to feel that the person we are excited about being with has the same feelings as us.  Life is too short to settle.  There have been sexual encounters where my wife, by outside appearances, did seem to enjoy it.  I could tell from how she touched or kissed me that she was into it.  It wasn't starfish mode.  She didn't noticeably orgasm or describe herself as having "peaked" in those encounters, but it seemed good, so why rock the boat?  Do you want to poke the nest when there is no need to do so?   Other times, we didn't seem to click as hard.  Oh well, there's another day. 

But when you have lingering doubt about whether someone is truly enjoying themselves -- and when such a big deal is made about orgasms -- the takeaway can be soul-destroying even if everything else in the relationship is functional.  My sincere thanks to those who saw that as my message.

I think this is a very fair response.

 

If something is a problem within a marriage, it’s a problem. It could seem trivial to others from the outside in, but others don’t have to live in that relationship. We all have different wants and desires. I don’t think you should be made to feel bad for expressing this.

 

I am on the side of, talk too her first. In a civil, caring, and heart to heart way, it possible. But I also understand human nature isn’t perfect and we get angry and we feel betrayed and unheard and under appreciated and this can make it very hard for the other partner to garner some patience and also, drive left to resolve the issue even.

 

Just to add something I remembered which may be of interest.

 

I used to know a couple I had gone to college with. They had been together 7 years by this point, they were both 23, as was I. I used to hang out with them a lot. They always seemed touchy feely and as if everything was fine in that department.

 

One night, the girl of this couple confided in me that the whole time she had been out with her now fiancé, he had never been able to climax through regular sex, and that the only way he would have an orgasm, if ever, was to go down on him for a very long time. My first though was - how are you going to conceive a baby if you ever want one?!

 

Anyway, I didn’t say that. He was a big watcher of porn. I think it had affected him. Also, he was a highly anxious person, but from the outside, seemed very sexual. You just never know, is my point.

 

As a woman, how would I feel, if after 7 years my man couldn’t finish just by being inside me and doing it the old fashioned way? Erm, it sounds shallow but, we’d have problems. And I don’t know whether I could stand 7 years of it or more! It just wasn’t possible for him and she had tried so many things.

 

x

 

 

[JoyfulCompany]

OP, believe it or not, my point wasn't to further hurt you.

The ultimate goal of my previous comment is to say:
  a. Maybe you could salvage and improve that relationship - falling into a pattern of not communicating sexual issues may have the potential to change even after XX years (or may not) but first someone needs to raise there's a problem. And from what you wrote it seems this never happened before. It's sad that it may come completely out of the blue to your wife if you decide to suddenly end it, without ever bringing an issue up. But, if you feel it's beyond repair - it is what it is.
  b. Seeing your contribution to the lack of communication may help you change it - in this relationship or the next. It's not a blame game, it's a matter of taking honest responsibility that could improve the quality of your relationships.
  c. Not being able to have an orgasm from penetration doesn't necessarily say anything about your feelings towards your partner.

It's a given we don't, can't and won't know the full story of a 20 year old relationship. Comments and opinions are based on a limited context and own experiences. Don't get it personally, as it can't be.

I commented only on certain parts you've shared. But let's go over it a bit more chronologically:
  1. The relationship is good overall, you have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with you - Sounds like a solid base and mostly a good place to be after 20 years together. Last part sounds like a common thing happening to some women, including myself.
  2. You feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed - Why? Why do you think it's about what you do or how you perform or how she feels about you? Why does it make you feel less of a man (shame) or less desired (sadness)?
  3. It seems like a key part of the relationship is missing - I think the lack of communication between you is more critical than the lack of orgasms on her part.
  4. The dryness comment - It could very well be due to perimenopause, which is not her fault and can be worked on. It sounds like a lost opportunity to have a conversation. Also as a slight lack of compassion towards her. Why - you don't wonder about the dryness (which can be unpleasant or even painful), you wonder what "peak" means in this context. What about her comfort?
  5. At times you interpret this (not having an orgasm) as a lack of love for you (i.e. it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner) - Again, what makes you interpret it this way, if she never otherwise acted it is? Why do you take your interpretation as an ultimate truth and are unwilling to question it?
  7. All day, you had been contemplating contacting a divorce attorney - I admit it came to me as a sudden and extreme deliberation after your original post. Why isn't it worth it for once to try to talk about it? Where does this huge gap from "we have a good relationship" to "I'm considering meeting with a divorce attorney" come from?
  8. You are definitely affectionate - Again, sounds like a good place to be after 20 years.
  9. If someone doesn't want to communicate, you're not going to go out of your way to draw them out - But is this just a random someone or is this your wife of 20 years you have an overall good relationship with?
  9. Life is short, time is precious, you're not getting any younger - Here it seems like you've more or less made up your mind and your capacity of making an effort is depleted.
  10. If one hasn't orgasmed with a partner, are not willing to explore, and don't seem to care if you have one, then you shut your f-ing mouth and don't bring it up so the other partner doesn't have to feel like sh-t - This sounded rude as you never previously wrote she doesn't care about your pleasure. Doesn't she? Also, would you really prefer if she faked it all these years instead of telling you she isn't able to climax from penetration?

Hope it's more clear and less offending this way.

Had you written you have an unfulfilling sex life, you've tried many times to bring it up through the years but bumped in a wall, you offered to go to counselling but she refused, I would have originally worded things differently. You don't need to answer my questions - just think about them if you haven't already. I will take myself out of your topic but, whatever you decide to do - please, be gentle to your wife.

[hub49]

1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said:

  1. The relationship is good overall, you have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with you - Sounds like a solid base and mostly a good place to be after 20 years together. Last part sounds like a common thing happening to some women, including myself.
  2. You feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed - Why? Why do you think it's about what you do or how you perform or how she feels about you? Why does it make you feel less of a man (shame) or less desired (sadness)?
  3. It seems like a key part of the relationship is missing - I think the lack of communication between you is more critical than the lack of orgasms on her part.
  4. The dryness comment - It could very well be due to perimenopause, which is not her fault and can be worked on. It sounds like a lost opportunity to have a conversation. Also as a slight lack of compassion towards her. Why - you don't wonder about the dryness (which can be unpleasant or even painful), you wonder what "peak" means in this context. What about her comfort?
  5. At times you interpret this (not having an orgasm) as a lack of love for you (i.e. it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner) - Again, what makes you interpret it this way, if she never otherwise acted it is? Why do you take your interpretation as an ultimate truth and are unwilling to question it?
  7. All day, you had been contemplating contacting a divorce attorney - I admit it came to me as a sudden and extreme deliberation after your original post. Why isn't it worth it for once to try to talk about it? Where does this huge gap from "we have a good relationship" to "I'm considering meeting with a divorce attorney" come from?
  8. You are definitely affectionate - Again, sounds like a good place to be after 20 years.
  9. If someone doesn't want to communicate, you're not going to go out of your way to draw them out - But is this just a random someone or is this your wife of 20 years you have an overall good relationship with?
  9. Life is short, time is precious, you're not getting any younger - Here it seems like you've more or less made up your mind and your capacity of making an effort is depleted.
  10. If one hasn't orgasmed with a partner, are not willing to explore, and don't seem to care if you have one, then you shut your f-ing mouth and don't bring it up so the other partner doesn't have to feel like sh-t - This sounded rude as you never previously wrote she doesn't care about your pleasure. Doesn't she? Also, would you really prefer if she faked it all these years instead of telling you she isn't able to climax from penetration?
 

Joyful, thank you for the thoughtful post.  I agree with a number of the comments you made.  I'll address a few of your points, using the numbering in your post.

1. Agreed, it is objectively a good place to be.

2. It feels like an emotional abandonment, and due to past relationships that I won't comment on here, I have abandonment issues.  This is an area I need to work on.

3. It is a lack of communication.  She is very modest and feels self-conscious talking about sex, so many times I'd rather just try and have fun rather than make her retreat into the shell.

4. I can sense when she's going dry, and I do try and finish so she wouldn't be uncomfortable. If she's going dry, it doesn't feel as good for me either. Of course, it would be inconsiderate to just keep pumping away if it doesn't feel good for her. The reason I brought up dryness is that she had made a point to say specifically that after she peaks, she goes dry. It was a moment where I stopped in my tracks and questioned to myself what I had just heard. What did she mean by peak? Again, I don't want to make her uncomfortable, so I figured enjoy what we just had rather than ask her to dissect it. But, given our past history, you can see why the comment struck me. I wasn't angry at all, just shocked more than anything.

5. Same comment as item 2. 

7. This was an abrupt shift, I agree.

9. (combined) This comes from a place of sheer mental and emotional exhaustion. Like that moment in a race where you feel that you just can't run anymore.

10. I should have expressed it this way: If she hasn't orgasmed, but is totally okay with it and having fun otherwise, she shouldn't bring up that she hasn't orgasmed, because it will come across like a shortcoming even if it really isn't.  Don't make something sound like it's broken if it's not broken.  

I hope this helps.  

[hub49]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I used to know a couple I had gone to college with. They had been together 7 years by this point, they were both 23, as was I. I used to hang out with them a lot. They always seemed touchy feely and as if everything was fine in that department.

One night, the girl of this couple confided in me that the whole time she had been out with her now fiancé, he had never been able to climax through regular sex, and that the only way he would have an orgasm, if ever, was to go down on him for a very long time. My first though was - how are you going to conceive a baby if you ever want one?!

Anyway, I didn’t say that. He was a big watcher of porn. I think it had affected him. Also, he was a highly anxious person, but from the outside, seemed very sexual. You just never know, is my point.

As a woman, how would I feel, if after 7 years my man couldn’t finish just by being inside me and doing it the old fashioned way? Erm, it sounds shallow but, we’d have problems. And I don’t know whether I could stand 7 years of it or more! It just wasn’t possible for him and she had tried so many things.

x

 

That's an interesting story about your friends.  I couldn't imagine not ever being able to finish inside a woman.  Although it was not the female partner's fault in any way, it's easy to see how she could take this as a shortcoming with herself as a lover.  Maybe, in no small part, because it goes against the grain of what you'd normally expect from a sexual encounter.  The guy always finishes inside the woman.  In fact, it's often a struggle for the man to not finish too soon.  My guy doesn't finish at all??  ***??  It's upsetting because what decent person would want to get off all the time and not see their partner ever cum as well?

[maritalbliss86]

13 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

but it's unfair to blame it on the uninformed party in the end.

Most communication is non-verbal.  So I'd be surprised if she can't feel the anger and resentment and that he's not exactly happy... if it were something in the legal world she would have been given what's called, "constructive notice," - it's up to her to pay attention to those signs that the relationship is deteriorating.  

Plus he says she shuts down or goes into her shell when he tries to talk about things.  So I think at some level she doesn't want to know or change, which is normal for people in denial.

 

[maritalbliss86]

8 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

What struck me about the moment she shared that she became dry  midway and just wanted him to finish, it was  was a perfect opportunity for him to say "I am so glad you shared that with me!  I want to know these things Babe. we're in this together. next time let me know when that's happening". There's a simple remedy for that.  

 

What struck me is why they wouldn't communicate, too.  It just doesn't seem normal, but then everyone has their own life experience.

For us... if that happened we'd communicate something along the lines of, "we need lube!"  And get it, flirt along the way, and then start all over again 😉. 

It wouldn't be the end - I've noticed with getting to 35 I can get dry half-way through if it's really late or I'm extremely tired, so of course the solution would lube!  And it works and both of us are extremely happy we don't have to use it all the time, but that at least it's there if I ever need it.

Side note -- some lubes are gross so I just use coconut oil and keep an organic jar of it in a secret place near the bed just for this purpose ❤️  It's natural, doesn't cause UTI's or anything weird like some other lubes can.

Just FYI if you need some practical sex tips.

[hub49]

14 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

What struck me is why they wouldn't communicate, too.  It just doesn't seem normal, but then everyone has their own life experience.

For us... if that happened we'd communicate something along the lines of, "we need lube!"  And get it, flirt along the way, and then start all over again 😉. 

It wouldn't be the end - I've noticed with getting to 35 I can get dry half-way through if it's really late or I'm extremely tired, so of course the solution would lube!  And it works and both of us are extremely happy we don't have to use it all the time, but that at least it's there if I ever need it.

Side note -- some lubes are gross so I just use coconut oil and keep an organic jar of it in a secret place near the bed just for this purpose ❤️  It's natural, doesn't cause UTI's or anything weird like some other lubes can.

Just FYI if you need some practical sex tips.

We had experimented with some different things, like warming and his/hers.  It used to be that we needed it more to get things started, now not so much.  When she starts to get dry, it sometimes matches up well to when I want to finish, so we're kind of in sync, which I guess is a good thing.

[hub49]

20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't always orgasm, but I absolutely love sex and would have it twice a day every day if I could.  So, talk to her about how you feel about your intimate life and avoid placing fault or blame on her. 

Side note, one main reason why I divorced my husband is because we didn't have sex for an entire year.  If my spouse doesn't desire me, why stay married to him?

Thank you for this post.  If she had actually said something like, "I don't care if I cum or don't cum, I am into you and love having sex with you, and that's that," then I don't see that I'd have a reason to be upset about anything.

[tattoobunnie]

On 6/24/2022 at 10:02 AM, hub49 said:

She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. 

Are you able to penetrate while using a vibrator on her at the same time?  What positions are you doing together?  Does she or has she ever masturbated, and can show you show she does it?  Why are you not allowed to manually stimulate her?  Are you able to massage her, then work towards that area?

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, hub49 said:

If she had actually said something like, "I don't care if I cum or don't cum, I am into you and love having sex with you, and that's that," then I don't see that I'd have a reason to be upset about anything.

I think this is probably something a lot of us were wondering....  thank you for clarifying.

I think most women are like this where they usually don't care.  Maybe she doesn't care?  

I don't think most orgasm every single time, but it should definitely be enough times so that they are satisfied with cumming.  

We have almost daily sex and I love it, but I definitely do not cum every single time, it's most of the time, but not every single time if that makes sense.  Sometimes I'm just too tired and sex itself feels great enough and women usually, "crave," sex in a way that doesn't even involve orgasming if that makes sense.  A lot of women seem to crave the pumping action or, "being pounded," so maybe your wife is like that, too?  I think it's actually very common, hence all the fake dildos out there etc. for single women to use.  

If your wife is up for it, suggest different positions, etc. to spice things up.  Much cheaper than divorce imo.  There is something truly satisfying about being pounded hard from behind... I don't think most women can orgasm that way, but it satisfies something that's hard to describe... probably primal instinct or something.  Hopefully you both can try different things like that and find satisfaction.

On not always orgasming... I think it probably does have to do with the fact I'm so into him I don't always need to cum.  But over the years he's found multiple ways to make me orgasm faster/easier, so I actually orgasm a lot more now because of him, kind of ironic.  But even before, it never bothered me when I wouldn't... but I also never complained or made it a big deal for him.  If I ever needed, "more," I'd just ask and he'd gladly help.

[hub49]

29 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think this is probably something a lot of us were wondering....  thank you for clarifying.

I think most women are like this where they usually don't care.  Maybe she doesn't care?  

I don't think most orgasm every single time, but it should definitely be enough times so that they are satisfied with cumming.  

We have almost daily sex and I love it, but I definitely do not cum every single time, it's most of the time, but not every single time if that makes sense.  Sometimes I'm just too tired and sex itself feels great enough and women usually, "crave," sex in a way that doesn't even involve orgasming if that makes sense.  A lot of women seem to crave the pumping action or, "being pounded," so maybe your wife is like that, too?  I think it's actually very common, hence all the fake dildos out there etc. for single women to use.  

If your wife is up for it, suggest different positions, etc. to spice things up.  Much cheaper than divorce imo.  There is something truly satisfying about being pounded hard from behind... I don't think most women can orgasm that way, but it satisfies something that's hard to describe... probably primal instinct or something.  Hopefully you both can try different things like that and find satisfaction.

On not always orgasming... I think it probably does have to do with the fact I'm so into him I don't always need to cum.  But over the years he's found multiple ways to make me orgasm faster/easier, so I actually orgasm a lot more now because of him, kind of ironic.  But even before, it never bothered me when I wouldn't... but I also never complained or made it a big deal for him.  If I ever needed, "more," I'd just ask and he'd gladly help.

Thank you for the comments. I think she is like what you describe - craving sex and wanting the sensation of a body there and being pounded. 

I think of her not cumming and it does make me feel bad.  Not in an ego bruise way necessarily. But it's like a sadness I feel, like it's empty or hollow.  Like we missed out on something to share together. 

If her "peak then dry" comment meant that she had a climax of sorts then started to dry, ok fine. I know at 45 she is perimenopausal. She's not going to moan loud so a teenager in the house doesn't hear his mom getting off. And she's modest so she may not want to draw much attention to having cum. I'm trying to see all sides of it here. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, hub49 said:

If her "peak then dry" comment meant that she had a climax of sorts then started to dry, ok fine. I know at 45 she is perimenopausal. She's not going to moan loud so a teenager in the house doesn't hear his mom getting off. 

This seems like an accurate assessment of the situation. She just enjoys/gets off more quietly.

[lostandhurt]

I have a question.

What do you fear most about this situation?

List all that apply please.

 If it were me I would fear hurting her by talking about it. I would fear ruining what we have at the moment such at it is.

I am sure you agree a discussion has to happen, how to actually do that is the tricky part.

Perhaps some of the wonderful ladies on here could tell you specifically how they would want to be approached about this if they were in your wife's shoes.

You love her, you are in love with her so be brave and trust she will be willing to listen and talk this through.

Best wishes

 Lost

 

[hub49]

28 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I have a question.

What do you fear most about this situation?

List all that apply please.

 

The fear of making myself vulnerable; the fear of disappointing someone; the fear that I may be with the wrong person.

You call yourself Lost but I feel lost. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, hub49 said:

The fear of making myself vulnerable; the fear of disappointing someone; the fear that I may be with the wrong person.

You call yourself Lost but I feel lost. 

 

 

Have you ever lost your erection or been unable to get one? If so, did you blame your wife? Did you feel she should feel disappointed in herself? Should she be thinking you don't love her or she's with the wrong person?

If that hasn't happened yet, do you feel she should react the way you have to her perceived lack of orgasms?

Just trying to get you to see it from the other side.

[JoyfulCompany]

OP, thank you for clarifying. I get it now.

I'm sorry that you have abandonment trauma. And, as fantastic as it may be if you seek solo help for it, I think such issues could greatly improve from being worked on in a relationship. To learn to be vulnerable enough to ask for certain validation and for your partner, knowing how important it is to you, to give you such in a loving way could help tremendously.

Hard part is recognising your triggers before it all escalates and one or both of you get continuously hurt. Most of the time the other party has their own issues and situations can get cloudy and disconnected. Would help if you're aware of each other's triggers. But there should be an open channel for communication or at least some sort of eagerness to open it and work from there.

What is possible at this point in your current relationship, I don't know.

Do you think you have enough love and motivation to try to initiate changing the status quo in your current relationship or do you feel checked out already?

Are you and your wife able to have open-hearted discussions about emotions? If yes, could be a starting point. Emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy... they're both types of intimacy.

Do you think you would like to try family therapy? Do you think your wife would consider it? Can you afford it?

This topic is a small lesson refresher to me how the approach changes the outcome, as it comes to communication. I apologize for initially misjudging the situation and jumping harshly. I got triggered, because I interpreted the information given as some sort of unfairness and that's a huge thing for me. Now, as you explained it, the whole picture changed. Maybe that could be helpful to you, too. I really think you may be misinterpreting your wife's attitude. It sucks a lack of understanding could dissolve an otherwise strong relationship that's full of love.

With that said, I would like to emphasize that it's not possible to fix things on your own. Your wife needs to be willing to work, too.

Good luck, whatever path you decide to take.