My boyfriend's parents are coming to live for 3 months

[Batya33]

Only child is not an excuse.  My husband is and was yes more attached to his parents but not like that. It is only an excuse if he is the primary caregiver for them and they are disabled/ill - i.e. with no sibs to help out.  But that's not the case and 3 months without paying any part of their stay/chipping in seems excessive-do they financially support him?

[itsallgrand]

Whoa. That's a lot excessive. That's not healthy regardless of single child status or culture. That's enmeshment at that point, not closeness. 

I'd use this all as an opportunity to observe. You'll get to see the dynamic he has with his folks in person. I think it'll be eye opening for you. It's one thing to see him go running panicking to call mom and dad. It's another seeing the parent having him jump in person. Yuck! 

And regardless of their culture, if you aren't down to live that way you don't have to. You choose what's appropriate for you. He either fits it at the end of the day or he doesn't. Be careful not to bend so much for him that you become a soggy noodle left wondering one day "how the hell did I let him convince me this was ok?!". 

 

[Abishmay]

37 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

It IS excessive.

He sounds like a man child. And you aren't compatible on this.

The fact he didn't even include you in the decision makes me also think that his parents always come first. Not you.

I personally am turned off by men who act like this. But if you're okay with it, then you need to speak up and draw stronger boundaries. If he isn't willing to compromise WITH YOU, then it'll create more friction and resentment in the relationship which will make it  unsustainable.I a

I am NOT okay with it. But these things didn't seem like a big deal when we initially started dating at 21 years. Now it feels like I'm way too deep in and I don't want to be that kind of person who gives an ultimatum to her partner "choose between your mum and me".

I want to get along with his parents, but it's suffocating. He understands his relationship with his parents is different than what most people have, but says it would hurt his parents if he tells them that calling thrice a day is too much. It's difficult changing childhood habits. I feel like his parents would think I'm an evil woman who's trying to steal their child from them by isolating him from his family or something. 

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, Abishmay said:

I am NOT okay with it. But these things didn't seem like a big deal when we initially started dating at 21 years. Now it feels like I'm way too deep in and I don't want to be that kind of person who gives an ultimatum to her partner "choose between your mum and me".

I want to get along with his parents, but it's suffocating. He understands his relationship with his parents is different than what most people have, but says it would hurt his parents if he tells them that calling thrice a day is too much. It's difficult changing childhood habits. I feel like his parents would think I'm an evil woman who's trying to steal their child from them by isolating him from his family or something. 

The issue isn't his parents. It's him.  3 times a day is excessive and imagine if you had a child together and you needed to exhale for a second in between diaper changes and feedings and he was on the phone with his parents again.  And again. 

My sister and I speak to my mom every day -one of us does - we adore her but mostly it's because she's fiercely independent and 87 years old and we want to subtly check up on her to make sure she's ok.  And yes sometimes we each talk to her - and she loves our chats and if she doesn't hear from me for a couple of days in a row she might worry a little but knows her place.  Talking to a parent you adore every day isn't excessive -but it depends on the reason why. 

[reinventmyself]

You aren't asking him to choose.  It's about compromise.  You pay half the rent, you get equal say.  If he makes a unilateral decision and disregards you then he can expect to pay all of the rent.  

You need to speak up and he needs to figure out how to balance the two in a healthy, respectful way. It's not that difficult.  Only child or not. No excuse.

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, Abishmay said:

. I feel like his parents would think I'm an evil woman who's trying to steal their child from them by isolating him from his family or something

You know that's not true at all. Is he making you feel guilty so that he can stay in contact with them as much as he wants? You are not responsible for the parent's reaction should he chose a healthier/lower contact.

6 hours ago, Abishmay said:

He understands his relationship with his parents is different than what most people have, but says it would hurt his parents if he tells them that calling thrice a day is too much

Hurt his parents? Parents, healthy parents, understand that at some point (20yo) he's an adult and has his own life to live. They would understand that he WILL have a partner and commitments that will get him to be busy. That his priorities WILL change. But it's also your bf acting like a man child. It sounds like he doesn't back you up and wouldn't take your side when faced with his parents.

The fact he booked this trip without discussing what time frame you'd be comfortable with speaks volumes.

And for the record, you are never "too deep" in. You have every right to re-evaluate whether this is the kind of man and relationship you want in your life.

6 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I'd use this all as an opportunity to observe. You'll get to see the dynamic he has with his folks in person.

I'd use this opportunity too, but not for all the 3 months. Maybe for 1-2 weeks. That's it. Then leave for an airbnb, get some space, and think about all this.

Is this the first time his parents stay over?

[smackie9]

I can see it....their grandkids come along, and he invites them to move in...

[reinventmyself]

My boyfriend is an only child and yes, it took some time to get used to the amount of contact he has with his son and his parents. . .In comparison to mine.  It feels unnatural in one way, and on the other hand I wish I was that close to my family.

Never the less, he has a healthy balance and the ability to compromise and doesn't ever disregard me for the sake of his family the way your guy does.

[Cherylyn]

3 months with his parents is too long.  I'd question your boyfriend's mentality!  Do what you want which is fair to both of you.  If he complains, perhaps he's not the boyfriend for you. 

[Debsterism]

After 7 years with no mention of marriage? You just a room mate chick. A convenience. Comfortable bill sharer. When you leave take all your stuff with you and find your own place all by yourself. Let him run his friend and family BNB all by himself. He wants to collect all these strays he should be getting rent and food and light bill money from THEM. You should not be on the hook to support HIS frirends and HIS family.

I would leave him and go on about my business. Trust me, as soon as you do the man who REALLY cherishes you will appear and you will wonder why you wasted almost a decade of your life on this nonsense. You should NOT pay rent at a place you don't live. The people he has invited to live there should pay. At most you should pay 20% of the expenses since there are 4 other people living there - split it equally. Then you can get your stuff when they leave. 

[spinstermanquee]

55 minutes ago, Debsterism said:

Let him run his friend and family BNB all by himself.

This... in the first year of marriage I realized my hubby had poor boundaries with "visitors."  There was a couple that came from overseas, stayed a month, used our home and his business services, never made or took us to dinner (or any meal for that matter), then sued him for malfeasance on the job he did for them (after the free stay, of course).  AND WON A SETTLEMENT.  There was a lot more detritus, but that's not for this story 😉

The final one was a single guy that came from an island nation, stayed for 2 weeks, piled up electronics in our dining room, used our home as a warehouse/crash pad.  Never once made us food, offered anything, to go out.  Total freeloader.

Family (hubs and me) meeting was called.  The new rule was:  visitors get three days max like fish; family members like sis/bro/cous can stay a week, parents 10 days.

When his parents came from overseas, we never even had to enforce our new rule because they had appropriate boundaries.  It doesn't seem like his parents understand his situation, and they definitely aren't considering YOUR needs.  What kind of intimacy can you maintain in an apartment that already has a nonfamily member staying in it?

If this were my circus with these monkeys, I would find or become a new trainer.