My boyfriend's parents are coming to live for 3 months

[Abishmay]

My (29F) boyfriend (30M) and I live together. We've been together 7 years. We're both away from our home country, away from our families.

He invited his parents to come live with us which I was okay with since it's a new country for them too, but I just found out that their entire trip is going to be for 3 months. He's already booked the tickets. I said I won't be able to stay in the same house for 3 months like this (even though we live in a 3 bedroom flat), and offered to go live with a friend for a month, and then travel a bit on my own in the country while his parents are in the house. 

I'm already spending so much in flight tickets, airbnbs etc for those 2-3 months, so I told him I will not be paying rent for those months. He then says that he didn't ask me to leave and I'm leaving of my own personal choice so I should still pay part of the rent. 

Am I being unreasonable? 

Also I should mention his friend has been living with us for about a month (he has a tricky visa situation) which I am fine with, I understand he has nowhere to go, but it still is an adjustment and I don't get to be myself in the house.

 

[catfeeder]

Is BF charging the friend rent and taking that out of your share?

It sounds like splitting hairs. I'd be a bit put off by BF not being more generous with me given that it's his family and friend staying in my home.

I'd view this in the larger context of whether BF is normally generous and kind with me, or whether this situation is highlighting for me that I'm not altogether happy with the guy anymore anyway.

You're the one who knows the context. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Abishmay said:

Am I being unreasonable? 

 

Yes. His parents are coming from another country to stay and you are taking a trip not to be there. I know some people dont like in-laws, but after 7 years of relationship you could at least tolerate them. Instead you are leaving on a trip. Its just not something that should be done in a normal relationship.

[Abishmay]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes. His parents are coming from another country to stay and you are taking a trip not to be there. I know some people dont like in-laws, but after 7 years of relationship you could at least tolerate them. Instead you are leaving on a trip. Its just not something that should be done in a normal relationship.

For 3 months? I'm gonna be here for a week or so to meet them. 3 months living with your partner's parents? 

I thought of inviting my mum too, but max I thought was 2 weeks. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Abishmay said:

so I told him I will not be paying rent for those months. He then says that he didn't ask me to leave and I'm leaving of my own personal choice so I should still pay part of the rent. 

Am I being unreasonable? 

I don't think it's fair that you not pay rent, no. 

I can see why you don't want to be under a very crowded roof for 3 months, but I don't see how that entitles you to forgo your share of the rent. That seems punitive and excessive, especially since it is your choice to leave. Not something you are obligated to do. You are the one who decided to spend money you evidently don't have on flights and accommodations. If you couldn't afford all of that plus your rent, it would have been wiser not to travel. 

If anything, I would enforce better boundaries by discussing with your boyfriend when this friend needs to be out. You say you are fine with it, but it's only fair that there is an end date on it. Since his parents wil only be there 3 months and there is indeed an end date, I would do what you're doing and find ways to have some alone time so it doesn't strain the relationship. 

But after 7 years together, it seems there is a big communication problem. You didn't find out until after it was booked that his parents will be staying for 3 months. Something is missing there. How is your relationship otherwise? 

[SooSad33]

If you feel you can't tolerate all that time with them there, can you not go stay with friends longer then travel less, so you don't use up so much money, as it will still cost you both to pay rent, as yes, you do both still reside there. 

Planning to be away basically all 3 mos is a little much I'd say 😕 .. will surely strain your relationship you think?

Or, maybe instead of you taking off for so long, can you guys maybe find them a hotel or something else to stay at for a little while?  So you don't feel this need to stay away from there for so long?

Why did he plan on such a long visit anyways?  I guess because they hardly get to see each other... I still think you should not be gone that long away from them.. but make sure you are still involved in this some way. As I'm sure he will take them out & about and of course want you to join.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

The problem here is why did your bf not discuss the parent's trip with you BEFORE any tickets were bought?

Aren't you a team on this?

I do think 3 months are way too much to be honest. 1 month, meh. 3? That's what Hotels/Airbnb are there for. It's my preference and you have yours.

[melancholy123]

3 months?  Hell no!  I'd leave home too if my husband's parents were going to stay that long.  I cant think of much worse than that.

They should be staying n a hotel or AirBnB or maybe a short term rental apt.  I see why you are not happy about this.

However, for you to take off for 3 months is really rude.  I see it causing trouble between you and your bf if you do that.  Plus you dont want to pay your share of the rent, I think that is wrong after all it is your home.

Your bf should have discussed this with you long before tickets were bought for his parents.  Why did he not do that?  Did he know you would not be happy about it?  Seems like you have bad communication.

[Blue_Skirt]

Before your boyfriend invited his parents, he should have discussed this better with you. I mean 3 months? No way. You both have a say who is staying in your apartment. For me, 1-2 weeks at the start and 1-2 weeks at the end of their visit would have been the absolute maximum. Your boyfriend should have offered to pay for a B&B for the time in between.

You should continue to pay rent. Also, you cannot leave for the entire 3 months, but you can break up a bit. If you stay a few weeks with a friend and a little later your boyfriend takes them on a trip for a week or 2 this should hopefully work out for you.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Abishmay said:

Also I should mention his friend has been living with us for about a month (he has a tricky visa situation) which I am fine with, I understand he has nowhere to go, but it still is an adjustment and I don't get to be myself in the house

Yes. Move out for that period. Also let your BF's friends pay rent if they stay with you.

Why can't his parents stay in a motel/BnB?

You're not married and it's not his place so don't finance his parents stay. How many bathrooms are there? Who's going to cook,clean, pay for groceries and extra bills? If his parents can travel for 3 Months, they can afford an inexpensive BNB.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

3 months?  Hell no!  I'd leave home too if my husband's parents were going to stay that long.  I cant think of much worse than that.

They should be staying n a hotel or AirBnB or maybe a short term rental apt.  I see why you are not happy about this.

However, for you to take off for 3 months is really rude.  I see it causing trouble between you and your bf if you do that.  Plus you dont want to pay your share of the rent, I think that is wrong after all it is your home.

Your bf should have discussed this with you long before tickets were bought for his parents.  Why did he not do that?  Did he know you would not be happy about it?  Seems like you have bad communication.

I agree with this post. I think it was wrong that your boyfriend didn't discuss them coming to stay with you so that part is his fault. I think how this whole thing plays out really depends on the actual situation with the parents. For example, how often do they get to see their son? Have they visited this country before? Do you know them well or not well? 

I understand it's putting you out but the thing is, they're not just strangers, they're actually family. They're basically your mother and father in law because you've been with your boyfriend for such a long time. Did you get to know them much in seven years? Have you ever stayed at their place? 

The reason why I ask all these questions is because if they never get to see their son, you can probably understand why they wanted to stay for so long. Maybe it's just too much money for them to stay in a hotel which is actually understandable because paying for a hotel every night for three months is a lot. Especially if they're not very well off. 

You said you have a third bedroom for them so they have their own space so it's not like they're taking your room or the lounge room. Surely both you and them wouldn't be home all the time? You must have work and other things going on? And they would go out sightseeing and things like that. I know it's annoying but they're not staying forever. In fact they live overseas so they don't infringe on you in any way normally, they don't even see you.

I think going to stay somewhere else would just look like you don't like them and don't want to be around them. I agree that it would come across as rude and basically you saying: "I don't want you here". I think the only way you could really get out of it would be to say you had a trip planned by yourself or with friends and go away on holiday somewhere. 

I understand the being put out part but it's not forever and I think if they go out and you go out you wouldn't be together all the time. That's just my opinion.

[Batya33]

So you two are not married and why do you share living space in the first place? Sounds like it's in part for financial benefits since he would not be able to afford this space on his own and neither would you. Was the purpose of living together to be closer emotionally or for convenience? Have you facetimed with his parents? Do you want to be part of his family in the future as a married couple? 

I do think you have to keep paying although I too need my space and more than a week in an apartment would be way too much for me.  But I would have stayed elsewhere and seen the parents during the day.  Since you pay rent he should have discussed this with you if it was going to be more than a week or so. 

You need to keep paying because you still have your room in the apartment and it's not entirely your house -the arrangement is that you split rent so he gets basically half the space to do what he pleases.  Also individuals react differently to people in their space which is why it was imperative of him to ask in advance.  But withholding rent is not the answer.  I'm sorry you're stressed about this.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Abishmay said:

For 3 months? I'm gonna be here for a week or so to meet them. 3 months living with your partner's parents? 

I thought of inviting my mum too, but max I thought was 2 weeks. 

Would you rather for them or your boyfriend to pay for Hotel? When you have a space around to accomodate them?

They are not permanently there. They are there to see their son, spend some time with him(they probably didnt see him in a while), meet you as probably his future wife and spend some time with you. Tomorrow when children come they could also come to help around a bit. I dunno, maybe my country is different with parents. Dad went to brother in foreign country for 2 months. Before that, my sister-in-law mother was there for some time. They have a little kid and both work so any help is appreciated. 

Not to be confused, I think you have the right not to be OK with them or their time spend with you. Just that your decision to pack your stuff and go for vacation for months because you pout out with them being there(they would probably see it in that way too btw) is appaling and unresonable. It will not be taken well by your boyfriend and would lead to future problems. Again, maybe my culture is different, but you just dont do that here. Would you be OK with your boyfriend taking vacation when your mom comes? It just shows basic disrespect toward the family of other.

I would more be alarmed with his friend being there for quite some time. As you shouldnt be a social shelter. But OK, maybe your boyfriend is "kind-hearted". 

[Lambert]

if you have no problem with the friend being there why bring it up? 

I do think you still have to pay your share of the rent. 

If you agreed to the parents coming and didn't bring up the rent, then that's not fair.

This trip is planned and now you're changing the dynamic. I can't really see this relationship lasting this.  You're being petty and that's not love. You're leaving the boyfriend to host his parents like a single guy. Don't be surprised if he acts like one. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Abishmay said:

I just found out that their entire trip is going to be for 3 months. He's already booked the tickets.

Reconsider living with someone who pulls something like this. He didn't even run this by you? No you should not pay rent if he's harboring people or inviting family without a discussion first. 

Who does he expect to chauffeur them around, pay for their meals, clean up, pay for food? You?  His friend needs to get a job/work visa and move out.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

This trip is planned and now you're changing the dynamic.

However, It seems he didn't consult her on this. He simply announced that it'll be 3 months, probably like he announced his friend staying over. That's on him.

[smackie9]

Either you pay rent or you move out for the 3 months. IMO you both need to discuss boundaries. He seems to have this open door policy and lets people use your place as a hotel. Him not discussing it with you is something you need to address. I don't think it's fair what he is doing because it's your place too and you should have a say. I think a compromise is in order....have them stay for a month but in that time they find another place to rent themselves. 3 months in my mind is ridiculous. 

[Batya33]

Or - yes - for 3 months parents should contribute to expenses whether rent or otherwise. Have they offered ?

[itsallgrand]

I'd be rather pissed off with my partner if he pulled a stunt like that! He should have spoken to you and come up with the plans for his parents coming as a team!! Springing 3 months on you is rude as heck. It's your house too. That's part of living together, coming to consensus on these types of things. 

 

 

[reinventmyself]

I like the airbnb option.  When you consider the money spent traveling, traveling back and forth, the possibility of him having to soley pay rent for the three months and the strain it puts on everyone, wouldn't it make sense to have them stay close to you rather than under the same roof?

That is a total of 3 additional people in your home that you didn't have any say in?  I'd be livid.  A week or even two is reasonable.  1/4 of year is definitely not.

[melancholy123]

OP, did your bf actually tell the parents they can stay for 3 months in your apt. or has he just told you this?  What are the parents expectations?  I can see the poop hitting the fan if the parents think they can freeload for 3 months then they get told no, you have to find a hotel or whatever, you cant stay with us.

[Tinydance]

I agree with the part that the boyfriend can't just go ahead and invite the parents to stay without discussing with you. You live there so he should have asked you and maybe come to a compromise where they only stay for one or two months or something like that. 

Having said that I see the perspective where family come and stay with you and if you visit them for example, you can stay with them. To me it seems normal to have close family stay at your place when they visit. Especially as it's actually your partner's parents. I mean, you could invite your mother to stay another time too. You decided not to but that was actually your own decision.

When I was a teenager, my grandfather came to stay from another country. He also stayed for three months and not only that, my parents actually kicked me out of my own bedroom and made me sleep on an uncomfortable fold out bed in the study! I was really annoyed about it at first but the three months actually went fast. I worked and went out with my friends and my Dad entertained my grandpa so we didn't even see each other constantly.

If your boyfriend has already invited them I just don't think you can do much. Going somewhere else would look pretty rude, just in my opinion. His parents might feel offended. It might cause a strain on the relationship.

If you just "grin and bear it", after three months they'll leave and it'll all be over. Why cause problems with your partner over it? 

[Tinydance]

Also why do you feel OK about your partner's friend living there? Does he contribute to rent and bills?

[Abishmay]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think it's fair that you not pay rent, no. 

I can see why you don't want to be under a very crowded roof for 3 months, but I don't see how that entitles you to forgo your share of the rent. That seems punitive and excessive, especially since it is your choice to leave. Not something you are obligated to do. You are the one who decided to spend money you evidently don't have on flights and accommodations. If you couldn't afford all of that plus your rent, it would have been wiser not to travel. 

If anything, I would enforce better boundaries by discussing with your boyfriend when this friend needs to be out. You say you are fine with it, but it's only fair that there is an end date on it. Since his parents wil only be there 3 months and there is indeed an end date, I would do what you're doing and find ways to have some alone time so it doesn't strain the relationship. 

But after 7 years together, it seems there is a big communication problem. You didn't find out until after it was booked that his parents will be staying for 3 months. Something is missing there. How is your relationship otherwise? 

Our relationship is otherwise good but honestly his relationship with his parents has always been a friction point for us. I don't have a relationship with my dad, and I'm a bit reserved with my mum too so I don't have the best idea of a healthy parental relationship, but he has daily video calls with them 3 times a day. That seems excessive. 

If we are in the middle of something, he will drop everything to call them at the exact 3 times everyday. He is an only child, but at age 30 it seems excessive. 

This one time we were on a road trip and none of us had a phone signal for 3-4 hours. His parents knew we were on a roadtrip, but he started panicking because he couldn't call them during that time. We had to stop at a motel and ask them to use a landline to call them.

I've adjusted to so much of this, so this just feels like the problem is compounding. He comes from a slightly different culture than mine, and I don't even understand the language his parents speak. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, Abishmay said:

If we are in the middle of something, he will drop everything to call them at the exact 3 times everyday. He is an only child, but at age 30 it seems excessive.

It IS excessive.

He sounds like a man child. And you aren't compatible on this.

The fact he didn't even include you in the decision makes me also think that his parents always come first. Not you.

I personally am turned off by men who act like this. But if you're okay with it, then you need to speak up and draw stronger boundaries. If he isn't willing to compromise WITH YOU, then it'll create more friction and resentment in the relationship which will make it  unsustainable.