Abishmay

Because while she is a good friend, lately it's only me who's been giving and giving and not being returned the same effort. I can't keep giving and NOT natter, that's not how human psychology works. I can't just break our friendship of 10 years, because surprise surprise, that's not how human psychology works. And oh another thing, you're telling me I should be grateful to have a friend, but of late I'm not. Of late she's become a burden to me because I've been giving, giving and getting nothing back. You think she's hosting me out of the goodness of her heart? It's working for her because when I'm there I can drive her around, and she doesn't have friends there. Don't forget, selfishness runs both ways. It's convenient for her to have me at her place, instead of traveling to visit me. Because if she really cared, she would have visited me instead of me always being the one taking 8 hour flights 4 times a year. It's okay to be frustrated in any relationship/friendship, and I'm voicing my concerns here. She isn't an evil person, but lately she's been not reciprocating any effort I'm giving her. Like I'm there for her inconvenience. You're thinking I'm painting her as this evil woman when I'm obviously highlighting one issue. Why SHOULDN'T I natter? Give me one reason why I SHOULDN'T complain if I'm frustrated by her behaviour. ONE reason. She's reneged on her promises at least 10 times and I'm being made to feel like the bad guy because I want to back out from one.

I guess to understand whether I should continue to do the right thing (which is take a trip to her place because I said I would) or actually put myself first and do what's best for me and be a somewhat ***ty friend.

One of my childhood friends died last week. I haven't been been able to cry, grieve and get space to process things because I'm at someone else's house. I want some time alone to myself, which I won't necessarily get at my place either because my boyfriend's parents are there, but at least I can have a modicum of privacy there, and comfort from my bf's presence, instead of at my friend's place where I sleep in the living area.

That was one trip. Why are people completely glossing over the first and second trip? She's flaked multiple times. And btw, her financial situation is actually better than mine. I'm always spending to visit her. Because she asks me to, because it's more convenient for her. The vacation was supposed to be near my city, she again made it about her and made me visit her place first and then vacation at a place close to her house.

I've already helped her multiple times without a reason. See my first visit when I helped her moved without wanting anything in return. See my second reason for visit. I'm always accomodating her and helping her and she always flakes.

Because it's been 10 years, I'm always the one helping her and of course I care about her. Sure, she's helped me too in situations but lately I've just been giving and giving without getting anything in return. I feel like she manipulates tiny things to get her convenience. And she doesn't explicitly say "hey, this is more convenient for me so can we do this?" She says "hey, you want this, see these are the things you can get out of this, so let's do this instead", and I let her have her way because I want to accomodate her convenience best I can.

So you're agreeing I'm not the one being unreasonable? And of course it matters, I don't want to throw a 10 year friendship away.

It's not moot when you see the full context. What about the first time when I went to fly out to help her move without wanting to get away from my house? I spent a rountrip from my own pocket. The second time when she insisted I visited her only because she wanted me to? This time, yes I had a reason to fly out. But is it really too much to tell her no, I will not be visiting you the fifth time. Because I don't want to spend a roundtrip again. I actually wanna go home?

You're digressing from the topic, this is between me and my friend. Please read the comments I've added on response to other commenters.

You're not wrong in saying I went to her place as a means to get away from my boyfriend's parents. She is completely aware of the fact. I'm telling you that's the only reason I did it. Now, it feels like it would be better for me to just go back home and not spend the extra money and time and energy to visit her again and help her move. But tell me this, the first couple of times I visited, I did it selflessly, without anything in it for me. To help her move, visit her new apartment etc. If I make the second trip, that would have been me visiting 5 times in a year, whereas she's visited 0. She didn't come to see my new house. I visited her new house. She didn't come to visit my house on a vacation we had planned, she made me visit her again and then go on vacation. I planned a complete itinerary to show her around town, concert tickets etc, and she didn't bother to tell me she won't be visiting until a week before when I asked her when her flight was. I had to resell the tickets. You're telling me you have a friend that would fly out across the country to help you move without getting something out of it? Because I did that the first time. Selflessly. I thought I would be in town so I will help her again. But I don't want to be booking another round trip anymore, I've changed my mind.

No, you're completely wrong. Parents are still there. I want to go back because one of my other friends unexpectedly died and I'm grieving and I can't do it openly around my friend. I want to do it with my boyfriend. I also can't be productive at her house, so work is somewhat suffering. Oh and before you say I did anything for her only because I wanted a place to stay, OF COURSE i did. Who would spend a round trip ticket from portland to houston to help their friend move? Nobody. But if you look at my earlier visits they had no motive to help myself. The first time I visited was purely to help her move. She couldn't drive at the time, so I flew down from Portland to help her move. The second time we went vacationing, we had planned to visit places close to my city, so that she can see my new house etc, but she insisted I see her new house first and she'll come visit me later. Never happened. I've been spending and breaking my back for her.

I have a friend in college whom I've known for 10+ years. We were roommates in college and then later on for a few years. We're pretty tight. She's lived at my place and I've lived at hers. I moved across the country with my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. Since then, i have flown down 4 times (almost a 6 hour plus layover flight one way), within the span of a year for various reasons to help her. First, to help her move and get settled into the city. I went apartment hunting with her, drove her to the new city, helped move her stuff etc. Second, we had planned a trip to the east coast and she insisted I come to her new place first to see how she's settled in, and then we take a flight for our vacation from there. So I stayed there about 5 days before vacationing with her. Third, I was visiting cousins in the city close to her, so I stopped by at her place along with my boyfriend. She did let me borrow her car and came along. Throughout this one and a half year time frame, she has never visited me once despite me inviting her multiple times. She promises everytime but always flaked. One time I even bought concert tickets which she said she would attend with me and then flaked at the last moment and I had to resell the tickets. She never came to visit my new home, i had adopted a new pet and she never came to visit to meet us etc. I feel like I'm always the one putting effort, money for flights and time for her. And she does things per her convenience. Every time she promised to visit something would always come up, which I understand but I have things going on too and I visited her. The situation now is that I temporarily was out of a place to stay (for 2 months or so), and I decided to spend that time travelling for a bit. I asked her if I could stop by her place for a week in the first month, and then a week again in the second month, after which we could together go back to my city where she is also moving to. Like i could help her move. She said yes. Now I've spent the first week of the first month at her place, and unexpectedly my living situation is sorted now and I have the chance to go back home early. So that means I will not be coming back for the second week and she will have to move alone. Will I be the bad guy if I tell her I'm not gonna come back?

I am NOT okay with it. But these things didn't seem like a big deal when we initially started dating at 21 years. Now it feels like I'm way too deep in and I don't want to be that kind of person who gives an ultimatum to her partner "choose between your mum and me". I want to get along with his parents, but it's suffocating. He understands his relationship with his parents is different than what most people have, but says it would hurt his parents if he tells them that calling thrice a day is too much. It's difficult changing childhood habits. I feel like his parents would think I'm an evil woman who's trying to steal their child from them by isolating him from his family or something.

Our relationship is otherwise good but honestly his relationship with his parents has always been a friction point for us. I don't have a relationship with my dad, and I'm a bit reserved with my mum too so I don't have the best idea of a healthy parental relationship, but he has daily video calls with them 3 times a day. That seems excessive. If we are in the middle of something, he will drop everything to call them at the exact 3 times everyday. He is an only child, but at age 30 it seems excessive. This one time we were on a road trip and none of us had a phone signal for 3-4 hours. His parents knew we were on a roadtrip, but he started panicking because he couldn't call them during that time. We had to stop at a motel and ask them to use a landline to call them. I've adjusted to so much of this, so this just feels like the problem is compounding. He comes from a slightly different culture than mine, and I don't even understand the language his parents speak.

For 3 months? I'm gonna be here for a week or so to meet them. 3 months living with your partner's parents? I thought of inviting my mum too, but max I thought was 2 weeks.

My (29F) boyfriend (30M) and I live together. We've been together 7 years. We're both away from our home country, away from our families. He invited his parents to come live with us which I was okay with since it's a new country for them too, but I just found out that their entire trip is going to be for 3 months. He's already booked the tickets. I said I won't be able to stay in the same house for 3 months like this (even though we live in a 3 bedroom flat), and offered to go live with a friend for a month, and then travel a bit on my own in the country while his parents are in the house. I'm already spending so much in flight tickets, airbnbs etc for those 2-3 months, so I told him I will not be paying rent for those months. He then says that he didn't ask me to leave and I'm leaving of my own personal choice so I should still pay part of the rent. Am I being unreasonable? Also I should mention his friend has been living with us for about a month (he has a tricky visa situation) which I am fine with, I understand he has nowhere to go, but it still is an adjustment and I don't get to be myself in the house.