I'm not sure what to do next... 7 1/2 weeks

[Shelley511]

Hi everyone,

I'll start off by saying that I'm extremely anxious. I met this guy online 7 1/2 weeks ago and it was looking promising. He's very communicative and forward. I was aware of how busy of a person he was when he started dating as well. He works in finance - the type of job where they work 12-14 hour days and even work on the weekend or have to travel for work. He gave me a heads up that the next month or so would be very busy which I understood. 

Within the first 5 weeks, we went on 4 dates which were great and he asked me out on a fifth which would have been a week ago. I've met and hung out with his friends, I've slept over, we slept together ago a few weeks of dating. He started not feeling feel before he left for a work trip a couple of weeks ago (2 Mondays ago). Our date was planned for the end of that week when be got back (would have been a week ago). He asked to reschedule for when he was feeling better which I totally understood. He couldn't keep food down. He was still feeling sick at the beginning of this week but said he was starting to feel better and would see a doctor on Friday (yesterday). He was being warm through text throughout this week (called me sweet, said I was a beauty, said he's been stoked to know me after I made a joke about how he should be, texts me a lot through out the day, tells me what he's up to the one day he did get back to me late). We had talked everyday throughout the day since we met 7 1/2 weeks ago. The one day I didn't receive any message, he was on his business trip which I know is real. He hasn't texted me back since yesterday morning. I know his friend has a series of events this entire weekend (Saturday and Sunday) which I know he'd support him at. We didn't talk about this, I just know his friend. It's a VERY big deal what his friend is doing. He also had a very long work week and wasn't feeling well midweek. Am I being ghosted? Do I give him space? My last text wasn't a question but I figured he could have responded. I haven't seen him in person in 2 1/2-3weeks because of the business trip and sickness. I believe him about them. What should I do? I'm so anxious. 

Edited May 14 by Shelley511

[Kwothe28]

Hardly think that not hearing from him in a day is a grounds to think how he "ghosted" you. He is busy over weekend so if he doesnt contact you after, shoot him a message and see what is going on and if he wants to hang out.

It does raise concerns over future. If he is like this at start would he find time for you in future. So, take note of that if you are interested in more serious relationship.

[Batya33]

How often do you speak by phone rather than type back and forth?  Did he end up having covid? Do you trust that he actually was sick? Are you two exclusively dating or can each of you date others? If something has changed, something has changed.  Everyone has time to send a quick text no matter how busy and he's used to doing that given his job/career demands.  Often people decide around this time of dating - 2 months give or take -whether a relationship has potential.  I would give it till this coming Wednesday.  If by then he doesn't call you to schedule a date in advance -like for the weekend - then I'd move on. 

Given the 4 dates he probably should tell you if he's no longer interested in seeing you - but he may be doing the slow fade.  I know you're anxious but do NOT contact him again.  It's not a good look.  Do whatever it takes to distract yourself and not contact him to soothe yourself.  I know it's hard but he needs to see that you're not going to chase him at this momen.

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, Shelley511 said:

Within the first 5 weeks, we went on 4 dates which were great and he asked me out on a fifth which would have been a week ago.

We had talked everyday throughout the day since we met 7 1/2 weeks ago.  I haven't seen him in person in 2 1/2-3weeks because of the business trip and sickness. He hasn't texted me back since yesterday morning. 

After 4 dates you are not official and still talking to and meeting others. Is he on/off with and ex? 

Besides being too busy he seems to be sporadic in dating and communicating. Keep in mind people make time for what is important to them, so reflect if you are compatible. 

Not texting 24 hrs. is not terrible, but step back and see what happens.

 

[Jaunty]

In my opinion, your focus on the whole trajectory of your association with this guy is not healthy.  

Really, there is nothing alarming about the progression of things.  The weight you're putting on all of it, though, is likely to cause problems.  

This attention to all the details of what he texted, how often, the nature of his sickness, how you know his business trip is "real" (why would you consider it might not be?) is exhausting.   If he's picking up on the vibe I am getting from reading your post, he might be feeling that he needs to distance.     

Pay a lot of attention to your own life, friends, hobbies etc.  NOT to try to play any games.   Just be living your life to the fullest.   So far, you've been on a few dates.  You are getting to know each other.   You don't know where this is going to lead, if anywhere.  Neither does he, probably.   Try to keep it in perspective and I hope it goes the way you want it to.

 

[Rose Mosse]

You already know you're dealing with someone who works 12-14 hour days. Is this even compatible with your lifestyle or what you're willing to offer in a relationship? He travels for business and is busy helping his friend. This is all very normal, non-alarming things that come up when you're dating someone but the work hours are not depending on your own lifestyle. 

OP, please have a good look at whether this man complements you as a whole and pay less attention to the text messaging. I'm surprised he texted you at all when he was sick.

[Shelley511]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Hardly think that not hearing from him in a day is a grounds to think how he "ghosted" you. He is busy over weekend so if he doesnt contact you after, shoot him a message and see what is going on and if he wants to hang out.

It does raise concerns over future. If he is like this at start would he find time for you in future. So, take note of that if you are interested in more serious relationship.

Thank you for your response. I guess this is just the first time he hasn't given me a heads up that he'd have a busy weekend. I know his friend which is why I know of the big event today and tomorrow. I'm assuming he will be with his friend as well because he has supported his friend with something similar in the past. The event would literally be right now. I was always told to let the guy do all of the work and if he didn't respond to a text, he's not into you so I guess that's why I reacted so badly. 

 

I know you're right about this. I feel like once we have the talk about being bf/gf, I'll be ok. It's one of those things where we are clear about what we are up to on certain days and each other's friends, etc., so we know we are only seeing each other.

I don't think it's logical for someone like him to ghost either but definitely triggers abandonment wounds when someone shows so much effort despite crazy work schedule and then no communication since yesterday morning. 

 

Thank you for responding again ❤️

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You already know you're dealing with someone who works 12-14 hour days. Is this even compatible with your lifestyle or what you're willing to offer in a relationship? He travels for business and is busy helping his friend. This is all very normal, non-alarming things that come up when you're dating someone but the work hours are not depending on your own lifestyle. 

OP, please have a good look at whether this man complements you as a whole and pay less attention to the text messaging. I'm surprised he texted you at all when he was sick.

I was only serious with men who worked at least that hard. And I worked that hard.  And harder, and unpredictably harder.  And the men who wanted to date me, saw serious potential -made the time, acted in caring and thoughtful and reliable ways. And accommodated my schedule because they admired what I was trying to do career-wise.  As did I.  I loved how dedicated he was to his career - it was something important we had in common.  But no I wouldn't have settled for someone going MIA on me -after 4 dates - that's really new - only 7 weeks - he's not attached at the hip to you but he should act in a thoughtful and reliable way.  I dated before I had a cell phone. I had email and IM for some of the time but when I needed to reach someone or someone needed to reach me they found a way -landlines, voicemails, later an e-mail etc.  

Certainly if you want someone who has more free time -there are only 24 hours in a day- find someone who has a more traditional 9 to 5 job, or who works part  time because he has a trust fund/family money, etc - nothing at all wrong with that and it might be more suitable for you.  But people who work crazy hours can be awesome partners in a romantic relationship and people with fewer or more traditional hours can just as easily use a "too busy" excuse.

Edited May 14 by Batya33

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Shelley511 said:

I was always told to let the guy do all of the work

Why? You already had sex with him -isn't it a bit too late to play all traditional? Seriously -I am a fan of letting the guy do most of the asking out on dates in the beginning and not letting it devolve into a chat buddy thing if he hasn't asked you out for another date -but "work?"  Show you're interested -you already showed by having sex with him you're likely very into him, yes?  It's ok to have sex whenever but a bit inconsistent to then tell yourself you're letting him do all the work.  Is it possible you're too anxious to date and maybe you had sex too soon/feel a bit too vulnerable now? 

He's not abandoning you for the simple reason there is nothing to abandon -yet. You two are casually dating so he can't abandon you. He can choose not to ask you out for a fifth date.  He can choose to say no if you ask him out for a fifth date.  That's not abandoning -it's simply declining to date you.  

And there's no "always" yet - a handful of times he's let you know when he's busy -that's not a pattern- yet.  So you're getting to know him and he's getting to know you - it's only been 4 dates.

Edited May 14 by Batya33

[Shelley511]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

How often do you speak by phone rather than type back and forth?  Did he end up having covid? Do you trust that he actually was sick? Are you two exclusively dating or can each of you date others? If something has changed, something has changed.  Everyone has time to send a quick text no matter how busy and he's used to doing that given his job/career demands.  Often people decide around this time of dating - 2 months give or take -whether a relationship has potential.  I would give it till this coming Wednesday.  If by then he doesn't call you to schedule a date in advance -like for the weekend - then I'd move on. 

Given the 4 dates he probably should tell you if he's no longer interested in seeing you - but he may be doing the slow fade.  I know you're anxious but do NOT contact him again.  It's not a good look.  Do whatever it takes to distract yourself and not contact him to soothe yourself.  I know it's hard but he needs to see that you're not going to chase him at this momen.

We don't talk on the phone. Both of us aren't phone people and are generally pretty busy. He's just absurdly busy where I'm reasonably busy. He had planned to go to the doctor yesterday as his work schedule was so busy that he couldn't until then so not sure if he had covid. I do trust that he was sick. He's a very forward person and I had noticed he didn't look/seem well when I saw him right before he got sick. We didn't have the exclusivity talk but we know about each other's friends, days, what we're up to so it's apparent we are only seeing each other. I also met his friends at this point. I agree about being able to send a text... He has been so good at sending texts this week so it caught me off guard that I haven't heard from him since yesterday.

 

What he said this week would not let me think he wasn't interested which is why I'm sort of blindsided. Thank you for your response ❤️ The one time he didn't text me for a day or two (sick and on business trip) he was the one to reach out first. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Shelley511 said:

The one time he didn't text me for a day or two (sick and on business trip) he was the one to reach out first. 

Yes- but that is one time out of a handful of dates.  I think you're exxagerating what this is -you've gone on 4 dates with someone and you're casually dating -but I think you got attached through all the texting plus having sex so you're imbuing it with all this relationship/abandonment kind of jargon when it's just two people who went on 4 dates so far.

[Shelley511]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

After 4 dates you are not official and still talking to and meeting others. Is he on/off with and ex? 

Besides being too busy he seems to be sporadic in dating and communicating. Keep in mind people make time for what is important to them, so reflect if you are compatible. 

Not texting 24 hrs. is not terrible, but step back and see what happens.

 

He really doesn't have the time. We constantly talk throughout the day, know about each other's plans, friends, etc. I guess anyone could lie but I know he's a busy guy. We talked about how much dating has sucked and haven't met anyone normal from the get go so we were both surprised when we hit it off so well. The 5 weeks I saw him before the sickness week and travel trip, I could see him burning out. He was a zombie. He's been single for 2-3 years! 

 

Thank you for your response ❤️ He is normally really consistent with texting which is why I'm shocked. The one other time he didn't text me for a day or two was business trip related. 

[Shelley511]

34 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

In my opinion, your focus on the whole trajectory of your association with this guy is not healthy.  

Really, there is nothing alarming about the progression of things.  The weight you're putting on all of it, though, is likely to cause problems.  

This attention to all the details of what he texted, how often, the nature of his sickness, how you know his business trip is "real" (why would you consider it might not be?) is exhausting.   If he's picking up on the vibe I am getting from reading your post, he might be feeling that he needs to distance.     

Pay a lot of attention to your own life, friends, hobbies etc.  NOT to try to play any games.   Just be living your life to the fullest.   So far, you've been on a few dates.  You are getting to know each other.   You don't know where this is going to lead, if anywhere.  Neither does he, probably.   Try to keep it in perspective and I hope it goes the way you want it to.

 

I agree. I am very detail oriented and notice the small things far too much. I made the note about it being real because I was waiting for someone to say "he's lying". I knew he wasn't is all.

I play it really cool with him so there's no way he picks up the vibe. I panic on my own lol. Not healthy but I make sure not to let him see this.

Thank you for your response ❤️ I guess talking so much to him has gotten me very attached and it seemed like it was the same on his end.  I hope it goes somewhere and I'll give him time and space to text me back. This just hasn't happened yet aside from when he had a business trip where he took a day or two to get back to me.

[Batya33]

Just now, Shelley511 said:

He really doesn't have the time. We constantly talk throughout the day, know about each other's plans, friends, etc. I guess anyone could lie but I know he's a busy guy. We talked about how much dating has sucked and haven't met anyone normal from the get go so we were both surprised when we hit it off so well. The 5 weeks I saw him before the sickness week and travel trip, I could see him burning out. He was a zombie. He's been single for 2-3 years! 

 

Thank you for your response ❤️ He is normally really consistent with texting which is why I'm shocked. The one other time he didn't text me for a day or two was business trip related. 

Once again there is no pattern in only 4 dates. There's no always.  I think it's a mistake to text throughout the day with a new person - it's like an insta-relationship and mostly fluff even if has the illusion of bonding. Get to know someone over a period of time and remain like a multiwrapped package where you get to know each other at a reasonable pace over a period of time - this texting throughout the day is too husband-wifey and often a turn off especially to a man who is in a high pressure wheeling/dealing exciting career -he doesn't need the blow by blow of what you had for lunch, the tickets you snagged at half price for a concert next month or what your friends are up to with their plans.

He is a busy guy.  Busy people make time for romantic relationships when they see potential.  My husband and I did and we were also long distance.  Despite being crazy busy we spoke every night on the phone when we didn't see each other.  Because we cared.  We chose to be exclusive early on (we'd been together in the past) and we made each other a priority while also making our careers a priority.  We did both. 

Busy people often are better at making time like that than people with lots of free time.  Yes it meant he was 800 miles away when I went into labor a wee bit early because he scheduled his flight as close to my due date as he could without missing too much work and yes it meant that often our weekends together was us in the same room getting work done and playing online monopoly at night.  But too busy people make it work when they wish to.  

[Shelley511]

28 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You already know you're dealing with someone who works 12-14 hour days. Is this even compatible with your lifestyle or what you're willing to offer in a relationship? He travels for business and is busy helping his friend. This is all very normal, non-alarming things that come up when you're dating someone but the work hours are not depending on your own lifestyle. 

OP, please have a good look at whether this man complements you as a whole and pay less attention to the text messaging. I'm surprised he texted you at all when he was sick.

The thing is I'm generally busy but he's absurdly busy. Ideally I'd see my partner one time a week which is what we would be able to do if he doesn't have a business trip. I assumed he was with his friend today because he was with his friend last time there was an event like this. He didn't even tell me about the event, I just know the friend and found out that way. 

 

That's the thing he's normally so consistent with messaging. I was caught off guard by not hearing from him since yesterday morning. Thank you for response ❤️

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Shelley511 said:

play it really cool with him so there's no way he picks up the vibe. I panic on my own lol. Not healthy but I make sure not to let him see this.

Yes, you play it cool by not over texting I get it.  You got naked with him within the first few dates with no "exclusivity" talk.  So your actions tell him loud and clear you're super into him.  Again nothing wrong with that -two single adults having sex -sounds romantic and fun!  But -nope-not "playing it cool". 

[Rose Mosse]

Just now, Shelley511 said:

The thing is I'm generally busy but he's absurdly busy. Ideally I'd see my partner one time a week which is what we would be able to do if he doesn't have a business trip. I assumed he was with his friend today because he was with his friend last time there was an event like this. He didn't even tell me about the event, I just know the friend and found out that way. 

 

That's the thing he's normally so consistent with messaging. I was caught off guard by not hearing from him since yesterday morning. Thank you for response ❤️

Try staying busy and do other things. Your anxiety may shut this down faster than any lack of interest on his part. He may not have told you about the event because he doesn't want you there and just wants to spend time with his friend/s. 

Him being absurdly busy would be a turn off to some and that is NOT a reflection on whether either of you are hard workers. Your circumstances are different and it's worth acknowledging. 

Stay focused on anything you need to get done this weekend. Don't overinvest so far into this guy that lack of messaging for a day or two is cause for concern. 

[Shelley511]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was only serious with men who worked at least that hard. And I worked that hard.  And harder, and unpredictably harder.  And the men who wanted to date me, saw serious potential -made the time, acted in caring and thoughtful and reliable ways. And accommodated my schedule because they admired what I was trying to do career-wise.  As did I.  I loved how dedicated he was to his career - it was something important we had in common.  But no I wouldn't have settled for someone going MIA on me -after 4 dates - that's really new - only 7 weeks - he's not attached at the hip to you but he should act in a thoughtful and reliable way.  I dated before I had a cell phone. I had email and IM for some of the time but when I needed to reach someone or someone needed to reach me they found a way -landlines, voicemails, later an e-mail etc.  

Certainly if you want someone who has more free time -there are only 24 hours in a day- find someone who has a more traditional 9 to 5 job, or who works part  time because he has a trust fund/family money, etc - nothing at all wrong with that and it might be more suitable for you.  But people who work crazy hours can be awesome partners in a romantic relationship and people with fewer or more traditional hours can just as easily use a "too busy" excuse.

I appreciate the time and energy you've put into responding to me! I agree that he should be reliable as well. I think he's trying to balance things and it's doing it to the degree that I'd expect. Last time I saw him, he told me he wanted to see me, how much work is killing him, I saw how burnt out he was. He hadn't even seen his best friend's in a while. He starting working after I went home. I told him that I was missing to try. Now I'm trying and he's openly communicating through text (minus since yesterday morning). I hear what you're saying. I'm so happy that things worked out well for you and that you have so much self respect. I'm just trying to trust that he has actually been sick and balance my own anxiety when maybe I shouldnt even bother.

[Jaunty]

Truly, the "texting throughout the day" is very unwise.  It creates false intimacy.

You have mentioned a few times about how he "always" does this or that and as has been said already, you cannot have any patterns after 4 dates.  

There are always going to be people on here who tell you that "something seems off" or "he's lying."  Whatever.  YOU have no idea, so of course none of us have any either.  

To be honest, I think he's behaving more casually about this than you are.  If this friend's event is so important to him that he will spend a lot of time being there even if he's unwell, why would he not tell you.  

Please, don't be all alarmed.  I am not suggesting that he's not interested, or "ghosting."  I I suspect that his level of investment is not as intense as yours is.   But you are, in reality, casually dating and it very well may be heading in the direction of a serious relationship.  Time will tell.  

 

[Shelley511]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why? You already had sex with him -isn't it a bit too late to play all traditional? Seriously -I am a fan of letting the guy do most of the asking out on dates in the beginning and not letting it devolve into a chat buddy thing if he hasn't asked you out for another date -but "work?"  Show you're interested -you already showed by having sex with him you're likely very into him, yes?  It's ok to have sex whenever but a bit inconsistent to then tell yourself you're letting him do all the work.  Is it possible you're too anxious to date and maybe you had sex too soon/feel a bit too vulnerable now? 

He's not abandoning you for the simple reason there is nothing to abandon -yet. You two are casually dating so he can't abandon you. He can choose not to ask you out for a fifth date.  He can choose to say no if you ask him out for a fifth date.  That's not abandoning -it's simply declining to date you.  

And there's no "always" yet - a handful of times he's let you know when he's busy -that's not a pattern- yet.  So you're getting to know him and he's getting to know you - it's only been 4 dates.

I think if someone is consistent, I wouldn't be triggered and I guess a part of dating is not everything always being consistent. He was still feeling sick this week and he said that he wanted to give me better news and was sorry for dumping the details of his difficult week on me. I'm just trying to take people as face value to the best of my ability at this time. I've read this through and thank you for your input. 

[Shelley511]

11 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Try staying busy and do other things. Your anxiety may shut this down faster than any lack of interest on his part. He may not have told you about the event because he doesn't want you there and just wants to spend time with his friend/s. 

Him being absurdly busy would be a turn off to some and that is NOT a reflection on whether either of you are hard workers. Your circumstances are different and it's worth acknowledging. 

Stay focused on anything you need to get done this weekend. Don't overinvest so far into this guy that lack of messaging for a day or two is cause for concern. 

Haha thank you for saying that. I've been presenting myself and cool and collected when clearly I'm not when I get a day of no contact. I'm someone who does well with being communicated with when it comes to what's going on. I totally get it about the friends thing. When we started talking, I told him how important it was to me for him to have his group of friends that he could go do things with alone so I could have some space as that had been an issue in a past relationship. 

 

The issue is I find hard work attractive but I've never dated anyone in his career before so definitely not what I'm used to. 

 

I appreciate you saying that! I like to think he would just communicate if things weren't working granted he's been soooo good with communicating things with me so far. I guess we will see. 

[Shelley511]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Truly, the "texting throughout the day" is very unwise.  It creates false intimacy.

You have mentioned a few times about how he "always" does this or that and as has been said already, you cannot have any patterns after 4 dates.  

There are always going to be people on here who tell you that "something seems off" or "he's lying."  Whatever.  YOU have no idea, so of course none of us have any either.  

To be honest, I think he's behaving more casually about this than you are.  If this friend's event is so important to him that he will spend a lot of time being there even if he's unwell, why would he not tell you.  

Please, don't be all alarmed.  I am not suggesting that he's not interested, or "ghosting."  I I suspect that his level of investment is not as intense as yours is.   But you are, in reality, casually dating and it very well may be heading in the direction of a serious relationship.  Time will tell.  

 

I think you have a great point. I think it started as his effort to get me and then us talking about his work schedule but acknowledging that I'm willing to try. I guess our dates have all been verrrrrry long plus how much we try to communicate via message that it feels like there are patterns. But even I acknowledge I still have to get to know him more.

 

That's a great point. I wonder if it just didn't come up in conversation and now he's busy. Either way, it makes me anxious. He definitely knows my interest and he said he wanted to see me too the last time I saw him but these past couple weeks definitely have been tough for me. Time has passed and while he has had valid reasons, I still have needs when it comes to dating as well. I'll have to figure out what the right thing to do is. 

I just hope he's not ghosting. But I'm definitely invested because effort via messaging does mean something to me even if it doesn't for others. We are busy young professionals so once a week is the norm with friends who were dating, etc.

[Jaunty]

At this moment, the right thing to do is nothing but live your normal life.   Try to get together with friends and do social things so you're not sitting by yourself looking at your phone or going over every contact you've had with him in your head and writing about it on boards like this one.   That's not good for you.  

At this point, the ball is absolutely in his court.  

[Rose Mosse]

19 minutes ago, Shelley511 said:

Haha thank you for saying that. I've been presenting myself and cool and collected when clearly I'm not when I get a day of no contact. I'm someone who does well with being communicated with when it comes to what's going on. I totally get it about the friends thing. When we started talking, I told him how important it was to me for him to have his group of friends that he could go do things with alone so I could have some space as that had been an issue in a past relationship. 

 

The issue is I find hard work attractive but I've never dated anyone in his career before so definitely not what I'm used to. 

 

I appreciate you saying that! I like to think he would just communicate if things weren't working granted he's been soooo good with communicating things with me so far. I guess we will see. 

Give it more time and stay busy. Enjoy the getting to know you stages of a person and don't be so openminded also that you start skipping over issues and glossing over incompatibilities that you'd rather do without.

Balance is needed, so is discretion and knowing when someone just isn't for you in the long run. You don't have to explain your reasons either to anyone else as long as you are comfortable with your reasons for staying or ending it. 

There may very well be something about him that's just not sitting well with you and you're picking up on his inconsistencies, his demeanour, even his language or the way he moves back and forth or keeps random information from you (only for you to find out later). He could be so "absurdly busy" that he's maxed out, stressed, has a poor memory, fails to communicate with you or doesn't get enough adequate rest that you find any of the interactions enjoyable in the long run. Pay attention to all these things as they accumulate over time. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Since you're not exclusive, why aren't you dating other men in the meanwhile? That'll soften the edge of your anxiety a bit.