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Frustration Vent


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Feeling like everything is a constant uphill battle lately. Ever since my ex left I've been struggling daily. When he left, my finances tanked since I had no job and no money and was studying for the bar exam. I then had to sell or give away much of the furniture, clean out our entire apartment, hire people to move the rest into storage. Meanwhile, I packed a small amount of belongings for myself and everything I needed for my dog into my car and drove 10 hours to stay with my brother. 

Now, I have been living here since mid-March. I have no privacy. I have not slept in a bed since the night before I left to come here. I JUST found out I passed the Bar, but I have to still wait for them to send me the oath packet/bar card to take my oath. I pay my brother a few hundred bucks to stay on his couch but he often asks me to borrow money (which is astounding to me bc he has a full-time job making $80K a year and I am working part-time at best as a law clerk). He keeps saying he has money he just needs to "move it around". I've given him money about 3 times since moving here. The only reason I have any myself is because I got my tax refund & rental deposit back around the same time. 

My car needs new tires. I want to move out and have my own space, some privacy. A bed to sleep on. I am still ridiculously heartbroken over my ex (but I think some of that has to do with the fact that I'm in this weird limbo and I haven't been able to really live my life in any meaningful way since he left). I haven't had the ability to celebrate any of my accomplishments, including finishing law school, taking the Bar, and passing the Bar. I missed my law school graduation ceremony which was just a week and a half ago because I am 10 hours away in a different city (not that anyone would have attended on my behalf anyway). I am now looking for jobs but the starting salaries are sometimes even lower than what I was making pre-law school. I need to start paying my student loans back next month. My credit score has taken a pretty significant hit. The cost of living here is impossibly high to the point where I do not feel like I'll have the ability to move out on my own any time soon. I just turned 31 and I feel like I've been working so hard for so long and every time I feel like I have accomplished something I never thought I could, my life plummets.

Like a year ago I really thought I was on track to having it all. Everything I wanted. A loving relationship, a successful career, was working on strengthening and repairing relationships with family members and friends, etc. Now I feel like I am at the lowest possible point and I don't see how I'm going to possibly get out besides several more years of struggle. I'm not sure I'll ever have the life I always dreamed of. I'm not even sure what kind of life I've always dreamed of. Except that I know that I want a life where I am not struggling to pay my bills and feed myself. I want a life full of people who love and support me, a partner who won't abandon me. Idk why it seems like I will never truly have those things. I am beyond frustrated and I feel like I can't even process it because I don't have the privacy here to be vulnerable or cry or anything. I have just been living day to day but it's starting to really take a toll on me. The only thing that has been helping is going to the gym like 5-6 days a week. Sometimes I spend over an hour there just because it's the only time I have to myself these days. Anyway. RANT OVER.

Edited by moodindigo91
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I'm sorry. Sounds like a tough time period in your life.

If it helps, today I got notice to leave my apartment in about a month. Did not see it coming. Add to that, I'm job searching and received a rejection email from a company I was waiting to hear back from this morning. Add to that because of the sky high prices of rent, I won't be able to pay a big deposit+moving costs and attend simultaneously my siblings engagement ceremony abroad. I literally messaged her hello, and can't muster up the courage to tell her I can't go anymore. All in the same day. Huhh some days I just want everything to stop.

But it gets better. It always has and it always will as long as you push through. Whatever it is that life puts in front of us, it's to make us stronger, wiser, and happier.

One day you'll recover and your heart will warm back up to this world. Keep going!

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I dunno, I always tell myself in those moments that it could be way worst. You could be married or divorced to some guy that invested in crypto(think crypto crashed pretty big now lol) rellying on his father money and waiting to move to Greece. You would be in a way worst situation then.

Like this its not great. But you still have something to relly upon and build on that. You passed the bar exam(congrats on that btw) and can find a job based on that. Apartment situation right now is not great, but you can always take some roomate for start. And in time you will built further and for the better. You will maybe take better place alone, find some other guy to make your life with etc. You should look forward to that. Just crying how your life is not great now will not lead you anywhere. So, heads up and move forward. 

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Yesss, and congrats for the bar!! I also missed my graduation because I was living far away and didn't have the resources to go. Happens sadly.

But find some time to celebrate this by yourself or with his friends once you move out! Don't let this beautiful moment go. You earned it! You've done a great job.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

I haven't had the ability to celebrate any of my accomplishments, including finishing law school, taking the Bar, and passing the Bar.

Congrats Madame Esquire👩‍🎓. You'll get through this trough. Watch a bunch of John  Grisham movies. 

The Firm 

The Pelican Brief 

The Client 

A Time to Kill 

The Chamber 

The Rainmaker

And Presumed Innocent by Scott Turow. Raul Julia is fantastic and an attorney's attorney.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Congratulations on passing the bar! I'm sorry life seems so dismal right now. Just have faith that it will not always be this way. In the meantime, put one foot in front of the other and start making strides. Just keep trucking. Don't give up. As Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going!!"

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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Congratulations on passing the bar! I'm sorry life seems so dismal right now. Just have faith that it will not always be this way. In the meantime, put one foot in front of the other and start making strides. Just keep trucking. Don't give up. As Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going!!"

Yes same here -sending so many congratulations to you. What an accomplishment!  Are you looking for jobs where you now live or where you used to live? I hope you find your own place soon.  

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18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes same here -sending so many congratulations to you. What an accomplishment!  Are you looking for jobs where you now live or where you used to live? I hope you find your own place soon.  

Thank you! I am looking for jobs where I used to live or in southern California generally. I miss my old city and my friends and the coffee shops and the groomer I had for my dog and even the hair salon I used to go to 😭 Plus 90% of my belongings are in southern California. 

I am in non-coastal northern California right now and it is just not my style. 

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