Her climax is her privacy

[Insomniar]

Hi,

I am having a serious fight with my girl-friend after she said some bad things towards me an I have no clue how to get over it. We know eachother almost since two years and we live together since a while.

It´s about sex. Before I was pretty self-confident in view of that. She is in mood for actually every time, never rejects me, rather It´s me who says „no“ from time to time. It was always like that, that she can´t come during sex. She explained, she never could and I should not take it personally.

She also told me some time ago, that she can come only when she´s masturbating while she´s watching porn stuff. For her it´s not a big deal as she says, and for me it was kinda fine, as long I am not kicked out by her and have the chance to also be part of it – from time to time.

So far so good, or not, whatever. Yesterday it was also like that, that she´s been watching the video stuff while I stimulated her, and after 10 minutes she was pissed. Reason was, coz she almost came but she reminded suddenly that I was wishing, that she gives me some feedback, like a little moaning, so that I can at least recognize if my effort has some effect. She said, that she was distracted by my wish. Usually she is just totally silent, giving not any feedback, not touching me, just nothing in this moment. For me it always feels she´s not there anymore, that´s why I asked for this. I mean, is it really too much to ask for a little feedback when you are trying very hard to fullfill her wishes which sometimes last for an hour?

Well, she was pissed. The mood was gone. I tried to comfort her, but did not even get back a hug in return. She remained pissed. She told me things like, that her orgasm belongs only to her, not anyone else. What?

Later she tried to apologize but made it worse. She really tried to defend the position, that it is ok, that our sex ends at a specific line, and beyond this line it is her privacy. She defended the thinking, that that whe she does alone is not even sex, and climax and sex do not even belong together. She claimed, I would want to control her, when I was talking bout devotion. Never heard something like this in my life and I asked her to be carfeful, coz this all is very senstive topic. I know she can be very destructive when she´s ***y, and she always says hurtful things, she also confirmes this behaviour, it´s not my personal thinking only. 

I felt bad after while of even more arguments like I am distracting and disturbing her. Sex was always also a kind of a plaster, just the way to be close no matter what happened before. But now it feels like, I was never really close, just up to a specific point, but not further.

I told her, how she makes me feel, but she got annoyed by that and made it worse again. Finally she told me, that the guys in the videos do things I would never do, but of course not what they do. And she told me later also, I just shall do better when I think am not good enough. Wow.

I was and still I am totally shocked and feel like she´s been cutting off my balls and took aways my entire masculinity within just a few hours. I am also disappointed, coz I would never dare to compare or critisize her in view of sex, since I know how senstive she is, but she just destroyed my self-confidence entirely.

From my point of view, I have just two choices: Either she said it to hurt me on purpose and didn´t mean it like that, or she meant it all for real. Both is ***, and for both I dont see a way out by myself.

I told her, it´s up to her, also gave her the chance to just say what she wants/needs. She just says, that she doesn´t know how to make this up. She tried it with a few text-messages, like „I need more passion“, but that´s it, no explanations at all. In her assumption, she´s done enough and I shall be fine. I am not.  I feel totally destroyed by her words and it feels like, something very valueable is broken.

What shall I do? 

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

It seems tense and difficult to be around someone who isn’t as present in the relationship. I say the relationship and not just sex because symptoms in the bedroom are usually indicative of other deeper issues between the two of you.

She seems to recoil from you as if she thinks you’re controlling or too demanding. She also knows you’re upset but prefers not to meet you halfway or respect your feelings suggesting seriously deep resentment towards you. There’s too much lack of respect and you’re pushing each other away. 

Whose idea was it to move in together and what is the living or financial situation like? How are other areas of the relationship? 

[DancingFool]

3 hours ago, Insomniar said:

I know she can be very destructive when she´s ***y, and she always says hurtful things, she also confirmes this behaviour, it´s not my personal thinking only. 

^Sounds like she is not a very good person outside of the bedroom as well. She has issues that you didn't cause and can't fix.

Some people with certain personality disorders tend to act like your gf - will give you just enough for you to hang in there, but also very intentionally withhold true intimacy, and if you say anything about it, you'll face exactly what you just did - an angry word salad that leaves you confused, hurt, and also somehow at fault even when you are not. 

Anyway, I think you need to raise your standards. Healthy relationships are not this hard and do not involve this kind of dysfunction. Her kind of behavior is not something you should be tolerating. Why you have been tolerating it is something to sit down and think about long and hard so you don't repeat that mistake every again. As for this relationship, long past due to walk away from it. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Insomniar said:

She tried it with a few text-messages, like „I need more passion“, but that´s it,

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been living together? How old is she?

You're making sex all about your ego and that is turning both of you off and ruining it for both of you.. You're in a power struggle and simply incompatible.

[Insomniar]

Thank you for your answers.

Of course it is quite difficult to give a neutral picture of our situation and one might tend to judge quick. One thing should be clear, I also have my faults and I am not Mr. Holy. But I don´t play games, especially no power games, we are not in Kindergarten. But at least I try to be always respectful and I would never hurt someone on purpose, I even don´t hurt back when someone I love does and I always point this out, that is is crossing the line and nothing in the world can ever justify such. If I ever did, we would be history soon, thats for sure. 

One day later it is like that, that we´ve been quarrelling some further and took a lot of effort until she understood, that this is a big thing which can´t be wiped away with 2-3 words just like that. I did not want to let this topic go, cause I knew, it makes no sense to prentend all is fine while it is just not. In the evening we´ve been talking mostly calm, but also only after she was pissed again couple of times. 

But after this calm talk and when the topic was over, she suddenly felt uncomfortable again, turned into another bad mood and kinda sabotaged the rest of the night with little teasings and provocations here and there, she got aggressive and destructive, I stayed calm. This took another 2 hours but at least it ended in bed.

I wanna draw a clearer picture of the situation. 

She is 35, I am 44. Before this relationship, we had an affair for over a year. She decided for us, gave up her marriage and relation after almost 20 years, all this is half a year ago. During our affair time, sex was never the most important, it was the connection between us which ended up in true love and the feeling that is impossible to live without eachother. So this all is not just a little thing and of course this is a lot of pressure/expectation which influences us. And this is also, why I should have more tolerance than maybe usual for actually everything, but nevertheless, also sure, I cannot give up myself cause I should be thankful or whatever, surely not. But this maybe explains why its sometimes not that easy to draw a clear line.  

I did not mention all this in the first posting, on purpose not. We have a relationship and actually one thing should not have anything to do with the other thing, at least not directly, but the influence is clearly present. For her its hard to find the right balance all the time, and this deserves also respect from my side, and same time, it can´t be that the circumstances are the perfect explanation and justification for everything, also clear. So I rephrase the initial question:

What shall we do?

 

[MissCanuck]

This was an affair that didn't transition well into an actual relationship. 

You're seeing that the fantasy you two had built up your minds about each other doesn't hold up in every day life. 

[poorlittlefish]

She probably needs to concentrate and keep all the focus on what she's feeling in order to climax and she doesn't need the extra pressure of you insisting she "moan" and give you feedback.  Not all women carry on like they're in porn film while they're trying to orgasm, so if she's silent then you need to accept that and get over yourself.

When she says she can't climax during sex, does she mean through penetration only?  She'll likely have more success if a hand from one party is involved.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Insomniar said:

 we´ve been quarrelling some further and took a lot of effort until she understood, that this is a big thing which can´t be wiped away with 2-3 words just like that.  

She is 35. She decided for us, gave up her marriage and relation after almost 20 years.

Unfortunately you seem to be arguing too much and simply keep going on and on, even after you made your point.

She's been married since age 15?