building trust

[BatDad]

The ex-wife and I have two girls, I a have 50% custody. My girlfriend of nearly 5 years does not trust me, or me around her. She thinks still to this day that I will go back to her. She had an affair for two years before I gave up on the marriage and met my current girlfriend. My girlfriend thinks because my ex-wife technically cheated and was done with me and that I put up with her cheating for two years that I still ultimately want my ex. 

The lack of trust is really getting old. 

[1a1a]

There are a couple of questions. If nothing changes how long do you want to stay? A month? 6 months? A year? 5 years? 10?

If there are changes you would like to see in your girlfriend, namely, that she feels more secure and that she deals with her own anxiety more often (not 100% of the time, but more than she is dealing with it now). Have a frank conversation when you are both calm, tell her how much you love her, tell her that you need her to start dealing with her own anxiety, that only she can really take the teeth out of it and ask her, what actions can you take that will increase her feelings of security and trust? (And then, as long the actions are reasonable and don’t require you to cut contact with the other parent of your children, where you can, take them). 
 

But also, if she absolutely refuses to tackle her own anxiety, that’s valuable information. You two might be incompatible.

 

5 years is a pretty established relationship. Have you two progressed from dating to life partners? Are you clear with each other that you want this to be forever? Are you planning goals together? Could be also the insecurity is coming from being stuck in the dating part of partnering still. 

[melancholy123]

Why have you endured this for 5 years?

[waffle]

1 hour ago, BatDad said:

. . . that I still ultimately want my ex. 

Do you?

[Seraphim]

This won’t change. Time to break up with her. 

[boltnrun]

What does she expect you to do?  Never speak or communicate with your ex wife ever again?

[Rose Mosse]

14 hours ago, BatDad said:

The ex-wife and I have two girls, I a have 50% custody. My girlfriend of nearly 5 years does not trust me, or me around her. She thinks still to this day that I will go back to her. She had an affair for two years before I gave up on the marriage and met my current girlfriend. My girlfriend thinks because my ex-wife technically cheated and was done with me and that I put up with her cheating for two years that I still ultimately want my ex. 

The lack of trust is really getting old. 

Although you may not cheat it’s not unusual to still have feelings for your ex whom you see on a regular basis.

You gave up on your marriage as per your write up. You didn’t leave. The reluctance and heartbreak that your current girlfriend saw you in might have influenced her first impressions of you and the dynamic you have with your ex wife. Unfortunately you both may have begun your relationship too soon after and she’s afraid of being a rebound. 

Reconsider why you’re both in this relationship or whether it’s out of convenience only. 

To build trust you’ll have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge your weakness also, not just pretend it isn’t there. I hope you both can communicate well. If she can’t trust you, she shouldn’t be with you.