New Potential Relationship

[thelogride]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:So there is not real attachment, just killing time tiptoeing around afraid to date in real life..

Yes, this is it. I am afraid of being hurt again. 

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Yes, this is it. I am afraid of being hurt again. 

Right now you are choosing fear over connection.  That's fine -but don't try to venture into this limbo/gray area where you tell yourself you're developing a romantic relationship.  You're typing back and forth to a complete stranger. Has nothing to do with developing a romantic relationship.  

[thelogride]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right now you are choosing fear over connection.  That's fine -but don't try to venture into this limbo/gray area where you tell yourself you're developing a romantic relationship.  You're typing back and forth to a complete stranger. Has nothing to do with developing a romantic relationship.  

I understand where you’re coming from, and yes you’re correct with saying that. It’s not romantic. But.. especially with this day in age with how “connected” we are, who’s to say communicating back and forth and then seeing each other when closer wouldn’t be a possibility? Unlikely yes, but these things do happen. Just not sure how often. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I understand where you’re coming from, and yes you’re correct with saying that. It’s not romantic. But.. especially with this day in age with how “connected” we are, who’s to say communicating back and forth and then seeing each other when closer wouldn’t be a possibility? Unlikely yes, but these things do happen. Just not sure how often. 

Yes, when BOTH of the parties express strong interest in meeting in person. Not when one of them "declares intentions" and "calls out" the other for not responding the way they want them to and the other person is slowing down communication and responses.

You can't get emotionally attached to words on a screen. It's literally impossible. 

If you're fearful of dating in real life, what are you doing to overcome that fear? Latching onto some online stranger isn't a good cure, as you've found.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, thelogride said:

I understand where you’re coming from, and yes you’re correct with saying that. It’s not romantic. But.. especially with this day in age with how “connected” we are, who’s to say communicating back and forth and then seeing each other when closer wouldn’t be a possibility? Unlikely yes, but these things do happen. Just not sure how often. 

Because it's such a remote possibility, plus you're getting so attached already (and she is not and also has life related serious issues apparently) that the downsides far far outweigh the upsides. For all you know she is married/committed.  The chances of the two of you relocating to the same city is highly unlikely too.  She's unavailable and you're way too available.  The sort of connection you're talking about -typing and talking  to a stranger-has almost nothing to do with dating or romantic relationships unless the two people can meet in person ASAP and live close enough to see each other regularly and/or have the time and $ to travel to see each other at least a few times a month.

[thelogride]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Because it's such a remote possibility, plus you're getting so attached already (and she is not and also has life related serious issues apparently) that the downsides far far outweigh the upsides. For all you know she is married/committed.  The chances of the two of you relocating to the same city is highly unlikely too.  She's unavailable and you're way too available.  The sort of connection you're talking about -typing and talking  to a stranger-has almost nothing to do with dating or romantic relationships unless the two people can meet in person ASAP and live close enough to see each other regularly and/or have the time and $ to travel to see each other at least a few times a month.

Agree with you 100%. But can you explain this.. why would this girl say she wants to keep talking to me after what I told her? Again, I told her I like talking to you and would like to see you whenever you’re back home or whenever that may be (and I’m aware that’s not very reasonable) and I gave her the option of if she wanted the same thing we can continue talking or we can stop talking right now and say goodbye. She said she wants to keep talking, but asked for my understanding that she will be unresponsive at times due to whatever she’s going through in her life. She just asked that I be accepting of that. Is this not confusing as hell to you? I think she’s in too bad of a place to make any sort of decision from the sounds of it, and I’m not sure why she would say she wants to keep talking to me if she’s going to hardly be responsive. Maybe she’s hoping she comes around faster from this breakup she had? Idfk 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, thelogride said:

Agree with you 100%. But can you explain this.. why would this girl say she wants to keep talking to me after what I told her? Again, I told her I like talking to you and would like to see you whenever you’re back home or whenever that may be (and I’m aware that’s not very reasonable) and I gave her the option of if she wanted the same thing we can continue talking or we can stop talking right now and say goodbye. She said she wants to keep talking, but asked for my understanding that she will be unresponsive at times due to whatever she’s going through in her life. She just asked that I be accepting of that. Is this not confusing as hell to you? I think she’s in too bad of a place to make any sort of decision from the sounds of it, and I’m not sure why she would say she wants to keep talking to me if she’s going to hardly be responsive. Maybe she’s hoping she comes around faster from this breakup she had? Idfk 

Not confusing. Only confusing because for some reason you're reading into this as more than two strangers typing to each other.  Cause maybe it's fun to have a chat buddy and it's flattering because she knows you're interested - she already told you her responses will be delayed.  When she feels like it she'll respond and it might be a fun distraction for her -she never has to meet you or promise to.  I think she's not giving it another thought. No hopes.  She has a lot going on perhaps with her boyfriend or husband or someone she is getting involved with so for now it's pleasant/pleasantly distracting to chat with a stranger.

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, thelogride said:

The thing is, this girl is asking for me to be patient with her and she wants to keep talking. I said look, either we can keep talking and progress and start hanging out when you’re back (she might be moving just minutes away, which is why I’m still talking to her) or we stop talking completely. She asked me to be patient with her as she’s still hurting and she wants to keep talking to me. This is what I’m getting massacred in the comment section here for and for no reason at all lol. Since when did declaring your intentions and hopes become a bad thing?

When you do it repeatedly.  You've never laid eyes on this woman who is likely on emotionally unavailable due to the distance, her commitments and the fact that she is recovering from a break up.  Yet you continue to corner her and force her hand and basically give her ultimatums.   And yes, asking her repeatedly if you are wasting your time, needing her to state her intentions (to someone she's never laid eyes on) and implying that you'll move on is an ultimatum.

At this moment you two are not more than chat buddies.  She owes you nothing.  If her level of communication doesn't suite you, you find someone who is willing to do things on your terms.  You don't keep goading her.

[thelogride]

12 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

When you do it repeatedly.  You've never laid eyes on this woman who is likely on emotionally unavailable due to the distance, her commitments and the fact that she is recovering from a break up.  Yet you continue to corner her and force her hand and basically give her ultimatums.   And yes, asking her repeatedly if you are wasting your time, needing her to state her intentions (to someone she's never laid eyes on) and implying that you'll move on is an ultimatum.

At this moment you two are not more than chat buddies.  She owes you nothing.  If her level of communication doesn't suite you, you find someone who is willing to do things on your terms.  You don't keep goading her.

So basically I should do what I already know, and just stop talking to her. Wouldn’t that make me a d-bag though, when she’s asked for me to be patient with her and am just giving up hope that things will turn around? I can tell you this much there’s no way I can continue with how things are currently going but am holding on to hope for some reason. 

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, thelogride said:

why would this girl say she wants to keep talking to me after what I told her?

Because she's hurting from her break-up and likes the attention and validation you provide. It makes her feel good about herself when she wants a boost. 

But the likelihood of this working out the way you hope is incredibly low. 

[reinventmyself]

8 minutes ago, thelogride said:

So basically I should do what I already know, and just stop talking to her. Wouldn’t that make me a d-bag though, when she’s asked for me to be patient with her and am just giving up hope that things will turn around? I can tell you this much there’s no way I can continue with how things are currently going but am holding on to hope for some reason. 

I learned that early on you need to be careful when asking someone to be or do something that they are not.  This is your time to stand still and observe.  Asking someone you really don't know to change, they may accommodate you in the moment, but as you will learn they will revert back to who they are.

You miss the opportunity to see them exactly as they are and make choices based on that information.

Will it cost you anything to adjust your expectations, redirect your focus and simply leave the door open? You might find when you stop pulling on someone, they move closer on their own.  And if she doesn't, you get your answer without trying to manipulate the situation.

[thelogride]

8 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I learned that early on you need to be careful when asking someone to be or do something that they are not.  This is your time to stand still and observe.  Asking someone you really don't know to change, they may accommodate you in the moment, but as you will learn they will revert back to who they are.

You miss the opportunity to see them exactly as they are and make choices based on that information.

Will it cost you anything to adjust your expectations, redirect your focus and simply leave the door open? You might find when you stop pulling on someone, they move closer on their own.  And if she doesn't, you get your answer without trying to manipulate the situation.

My expectations is a relationship, not right this instant, but at the very minimum to be progressing towards one. I’m not sure how much lower my expectations can go especially since I’ve been clear that’s what the end goal is with this. And she recognizes that and says yes, keep talking. It’s just a strange situation. Maybe I jumped in at the wrong time, maybe I jumped in at the right time. I guess we’ll see, but I do know if nothing changes then for my own sake I can’t keep being anxious wondering what her true intentions are. You can say one thing but clearly mean something else. If nothing changes I’ll have to tell her that I’m outta here and can’t wait around for my own mental health. 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, thelogride said:

My expectations is a relationship, not right this instant, but at the very minimum to be progressing towards one. I’m not sure how much lower my expectations can go especially since I’ve been clear that’s what the end goal is with this. And she recognizes that and says yes, keep talking. It’s just a strange situation. Maybe I jumped in at the wrong time, maybe I jumped in at the right time. I guess we’ll see, but I do know if nothing changes then for my own sake I can’t keep being anxious wondering what her true intentions are. You can say one thing but clearly mean something else. If nothing changes I’ll have to tell her that I’m outta here and can’t wait around for my own mental health. 

Let me give you an example from my life.

I had a male friend whom I had known for several years. When we met I was married. He got married a couple of years later. We both ended up divorced within a couple of years of each other. He then suggested we start dating. I kindly explained to him that I viewed him as a friend, not in a romantic way. Every so often he'd bring up us dating and I again kindly explained I felt friendly toward him. Well, apparently someone was telling him "Dude, she's into you. She wouldn't be hanging out with you if she didn't want you!" Well, we were in the same friend group and were part of a team that attended competitions every weekend, so in that way yes, we "hung out", but no date like activities at all. But unfortunately because of the bad advice he was getting he kept pursuing me. He finally crossed the line one night when I was at his home watching a sports event (before which I had made it very clear it was a friendly visit ONLY) and he not only asked me to stay overnight but brought out a bottle of baby oil and told me to take off my top so he could give me a massage. I ended up leaving and sadly, we are not friends any longer. And we're not friends because he would not accept that I didn't want to date him.

Yes, this woman is happy to occasionally have an online chat with you. But don't try to pin her down with "intentions" because it's unrealistic to expect that from her. You're an online chat buddy, not a potential romantic partner simply because she doesn't know you.

[thelogride]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Let me give you an example from my life.

I had a male friend whom I had known for several years. When we met I was married. He got married a couple of years later. We both ended up divorced within a couple of years of each other. He then suggested we start dating. I kindly explained to him that I viewed him as a friend, not in a romantic way. Every so often he'd bring up us dating and I again kindly explained I felt friendly toward him. Well, apparently someone was telling him "Dude, she's into you. She wouldn't be hanging out with you if she didn't want you!" Well, we were in the same friend group and were part of a team that attended competitions every weekend, so in that way yes, we "hung out", but no date like activities at all. But unfortunately because of the bad advice he was getting he kept pursuing me. He finally crossed the line one night when I was at his home watching a sports event (before which I had made it very clear it was a friendly visit ONLY) and he not only asked me to stay overnight but brought out a bottle of baby oil and told me to take off my top so he could give me a massage. I ended up leaving and sadly, we are not friends any longer. And we're not friends because he would not accept that I didn't want to date him.

Yes, this woman is happy to occasionally have an online chat with you. But don't try to pin her down with "intentions" because it's unrealistic to expect that from her. You're an online chat buddy, not a potential romantic partner simply because she doesn't know you.

Thank you for the example based on real life experiences. And I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t able to remain friends. You’re right, I don’t “know” her other than what we’ve been talking about over the last month. Apparently she felt comfortable enough to explain her broken engagement a couple weeks into talking which explained a lot about her. She was engaged to another Air Force guy who she was dating for 10 months. I feel military people are always rushing to get married, but that’s a different topic for a different day. So yes, I don’t know her but I still have been communicating with her. Sadly not in person which is the biggest factor. I hate this day in age where everything starts online. I’m 25 and it’s just how we grew up in middle and high school. Texting and what not. We didn’t actually go up to a girl and start talking, that was considered “strange” instead you just started texting them. I think it’s the stupidest thing ever, but here I am doing just that. 

[boltnrun]

I write about a lot of highly personal things on this forum. Sometimes it's easier than discussing them with real friends because they either want to offer advice or they don't know the full story and I don't want them to know for various reasons. Sometimes it's easier to open up to an online stranger because there's no real-life repercussions.

[thelogride]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I write about a lot of highly personal things on this forum. Sometimes it's easier than discussing them with real friends because they either want to offer advice or they don't know the full story and I don't want them to know for various reasons. Sometimes it's easier to open up to an online stranger because there's no real-life repercussions.

I remember 5 years ago I came to this forum (I think as a guest) and I was absolutely devastated over my breakup with my first girlfriend that I had. I was destroyed and thought there was absolutely no coming back. Looking back now, I’m so glad I went through that because it’s made me more mature and now I know I can always come out victorious and move forward. 

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, thelogride said:

My expectations is a relationship, not right this instant, but at the very minimum to be progressing towards one. I’m not sure how much lower my expectations can go especially since I’ve been clear that’s what the end goal is with this. And she recognizes that and says yes, keep talking. It’s just a strange situation. Maybe I jumped in at the wrong time, maybe I jumped in at the right time. I guess we’ll see, but I do know if nothing changes then for my own sake I can’t keep being anxious wondering what her true intentions are. You can say one thing but clearly mean something else. If nothing changes I’ll have to tell her that I’m outta here and can’t wait around for my own mental health. 

I just put myself in her place and I couldn't fathom making that sort of guarantee to someone I've never met.  Shoot, I don't make those type promises to people I date in real time until after a certain amount of time that it cakes to cultivate those type romantic feelings.  

It's just not something you can command. 

There is no guarantee for your time invested.    

[thelogride]

16 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I just put myself in her place and I couldn't fathom making that sort of guarantee to someone I've never met.  Shoot, I don't make those type promises to people I date in real time until after a certain amount of time that it cakes to cultivate those type romantic feelings.  

It's just not something you can command. 

There is no guarantee for your time invested.    

Very well said. It’s nice to change perspectives because it will provide more clarity and also to look at yourself from a different POV to see just how unreasonable you’re truly acting. Also from my own point of view, I wouldn’t want to date this girl without ever meeting her either. It’s more of working towards meeting each other is the first step. You start talking, you hangout, you enjoy hanging out and you date. I’m just at the very beginning and understand hanging out is insanely difficult due to the geographical distance currently. But she’s only where she’s at temporarily, not long term so that’s kinda where I’m clinging on to hope. Hope that maybe we can meet up and also hoping she would want to meet up too. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, thelogride said:

It’s more of working towards meeting each other is the first step. You start talking, you hangout, you enjoy hanging out and you date. I’m just at the very beginning and understand hanging out is insanely difficult due to the geographical distance currently. But she’s only where she’s at temporarily, not long term so that’s kinda where I’m clinging on to hope. Hope that maybe we can meet up and also hoping she would want to meet up too. 

I don't see any indication she thinks you two are actually going to meet up given where she lives now and as she has told you many times, all she has going on in her life.  She doesn't even want to promise to respond in typing with any regularity. I've spent years trying to connect with people in my current city -as friends - and I'm very good at cutting my losses - I do get tricked sometimes -people who make actual plans then flake, people who schedule a phone call then go poof - but typically I can tell those who actually want to make the effort to meet and build a friendship and those who are just interested in chatting a bit and moving on. Or in selling me something or talking up their MLM.

[Andrina]

It's pretty classic that people who fear emotional vulnerability by dating in 3D resort to the distance of an online connection like this. Though you still suffer, you find it safer than trying for a real, local connection.

Most people suffer heartbreak many, many times throughout their lives. You can't live in a safe bubble trying to prevent that. That ends in a life of loneliness.

What you need to do is get a different mindset by practicing a new mantra that you will take chances in life, and will be resilient enough to handle anything. Read books on how to change the reel going on in your brain. Get therapy if you can't achieve the skills on your own.

For all anybody knows, someone has stolen that woman's picture and identity. It's a common scam for catfish schemes that a person is from your area but temporarily outside of the country. It could be a man communicating with you and using games to keep you on the hook, and it's working. 

I did local online dating when I was single. I made rules to help me achieve my goal of finding a lifetime partner. I suggest you do the same. Mine were:

Needed to live within a 45 minute drive from me. Needed to meet no later than 2 weeks after communicating. 

And I found that 9 out of 10 times, one or both of us didn't share chemistry or I'd find they'd lied about their age, dating goals, etc. I had to date a boatload of men to find a keeper. At the rate you're going, it'll take 20 years to find someone when you're holding out for a high risk.

If she's around 25, surrounded by numerous military guys her age, do you really think she'd forego dating any of them and holding out for a stranger in her home town, if in fact she is who she says she is? 

It's not a crappy thing to go no contact. Nobody else has your back. You have to take care of yourself, and nobody, I mean NOBODY is worth putting yourself on ice for.

You're going to have to open up your heart and be vulnerable to find a true match. But success will be more likely when you're choosing someone who seems to be a good risk to your heart. Good luck and let us know how you're doing. Try some local Meetup.com groups to start meeting singles your age. You can do this!