Ex reached out after 20+ years

[Kygirl821]

At the beginning of February I got a text message with my name and a question mark. The person said that they saw on the internet that my dad had passed away the previous year (6 months before) and they were sorry. Come to find out it was my first love. The one that I hadn’t talked to in over 20+ years. He apologized for being an *** when we broke up. Then proceeded to tell me that I was still one of his favorite people and that he judged peoples kindness based on me because I was the most genuine person he had met. He said he wanted to give me a big hug and hoped that we could be friends. He also said that he text 3 numbers before he found me.  He said that I had been on his mind for awhile and wanted to see how I was doing. He had oddly enough been on my mind quite a bit too.  Since then we’ve texted back and forth several times. Talking some about our current lives but also talked about things from the past. He’s married with 2 kids and I have a boyfriend of 6 years. The way he talks about his wife they have the most supportive, trusting relationship.
     Of course reminiscing brings up old feelings, he was my first. He doesn’t seem like he wants to be more than just friends but I can’t help but wondering why he would hunt me down after all this time. When I asked him why he did he said he didn’t really know. That he thought it was time to reconnect. Does he have an ulterior motive or does he really want to be just friends?  

[boltnrun]

What does your boyfriend think about you communicating with your ex? What does he say about your old feelings resurfacing? And has this ex told you what his wife thinks about him reaching out to you?

How is your relationship with your boyfriend? 

[Kygirl821]

I was upfront about my ex reaching out to me. I don’t keep things from him. Our relationship isn’t great, we have issues like anyone else.  Even if my ex did want to rekindle things I don’t feel I would be willing to leave my boyfriend. The ex hasn’t mentioned anything about how his wife feels about it. He said they don’t have any trust or jealousy issues and that he was good because I brought up not wanting to cause issues for him. I get the vibe that she doesn’t know we talk because we will be in mid conversation and then say gotta go bye. 

[Madlike]

Even if he has feelings for his ex, do you think he’d be willing to leave her for his first love?

Soemtimes the first love is always the “one”. Do you really have strong feelings for your ex, more than your bf?

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Kygirl821 said:

I get the vibe that she doesn’t know we talk because we will be in mid conversation and then say gotta go bye. 

Well, that's not good. 

I wouldn't feel comfortable with the situation if his wife doesn't know you two talk. I mean, if it's totally innocent why would he hide it from her?

If it were me I would ask outright. No reason why you can't.

[Kygirl821]

The weird thing about the ex is he dated the woman he married before him and I did. He ended things with her before we started dating. So while he was my first live, I don’t know that I was his. 
 

I don’t have really strong feelings for my ex. Just those little butterflies. Half of me wonders if it’s because it’s him or if it’s just because it’s different. He’s on my mind a lot but so is my boyfriend. 

[Madlike]

40 minutes ago, Kygirl821 said:

The weird thing about the ex is he dated the woman he married before him and I did. He ended things with her before we started dating. So while he was my first live, I don’t know that I was his. 
 

I don’t have really strong feelings for my ex. Just those little butterflies. Half of me wonders if it’s because it’s him or if it’s just because it’s different. He’s on my mind a lot but so is my boyfriend. 

Part of you wonder what it may be like to date your first love . It’s probably him . He’s on your mind a lot.

I think in your head you’d prefer your first love. I don’t know what happened why you weren’t with them in  the first place .

[Kygirl821]

9 minutes ago, Madlike said:

Part of you wonder what it may be like to date your first love . It’s probably him . He’s on your mind a lot.

I think in your head you’d prefer your first love. I don’t know what happened why you weren’t with them in  the first place .

He ended things with me for someone he met at work. He said they were just friends but I knew different. They married but the marriage didn’t last long. He then reconnected with his now wife and they married. Maybe he has a pattern?  

[Madlike]

1 minute ago, Kygirl821 said:

He ended things with me for someone he met at work. He said they were just friends but I knew different. They married but the marriage didn’t last long. He then reconnected with his now wife and they married. Maybe he has a pattern?  

Yes he does. He will end this marriage too and start up with you . He sounds confused and seems like he is still looking for the “one”.

[Kygirl821]

2 minutes ago, Madlike said:

Yes he does. He will end this marriage too and start up with you . He sounds confused and seems like he is still looking for the “one”.

If he does he’s crazy. They’ve been married for almost 20 years. Their oldest daughter is 16. You would have thought that he would knew way before now if she was the one or not. I think I would be better off if I distanced myself from him. I’m not going to be the reason a home is broken up. 

[Madlike]

1 minute ago, Kygirl821 said:

If he does he’s crazy. They’ve been married for almost 20 years. Their oldest daughter is 16. You would have thought that he would knew way before now if she was the one or not. I think I would be better off if I distanced myself from him. I’m not going to be the reason a home is broken up. 

He doesn’t sound like he thinks so clear anyway … or wisely.

[Kygirl821]

2 minutes ago, Madlike said:

He doesn’t sound like he thinks so clear anyway … or wisely.

You’re right about that. I’m going to stop overthinking the situation and just enjoy my time with my boyfriend. He makes me happy. If it’s meant to happen I guess it will but I’m not going to help it along. 

[Madlike]

1 minute ago, Kygirl821 said:

You’re right about that. I’m going to stop overthinking the situation and just enjoy my time with my boyfriend. He makes me happy. If it’s meant to happen I guess it will but I’m not going to help it along. 

You’re right. If he truly wants you , you will know it. He will move heaven and earth to be with you if that’s something he is sure about.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Kygirl821 said:

.Our relationship isn’t great, we have issues like anyone else.  

Do you live together? Why "isn't it great"?

Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons. You seem flattered by the contact, but it's a bit creepy he was googling you and searching obituaries.

Have you googled him? Do you have access to each other's social media?

As far as "isn't great", focus on why that is.

[Rose Mosse]

7 hours ago, Kygirl821 said:

I don’t have really strong feelings for my ex. Just those little butterflies. Half of me wonders if it’s because it’s him or if it’s just because it’s different. He’s on my mind a lot but so is my boyfriend. 

8 hours ago, Kygirl821 said:

I was upfront about my ex reaching out to me. I don’t keep things from him. Our relationship isn’t great,

It’s a distraction from the issues in your relationship. If you were very happy with your boyfriend this wouldn’t come up. It wouldn’t be an issue and the communication would have been shut down quickly especially upon hearing he’s married. Sending condolences is one thing. Asking to remain friends after that is another. 

Id consider whether you’re with your boyfriend out of convenience than any real bond or interest over a future together. You’re shooting yourself in the foot not addressing any issues head on. 

Edited March 31 by Rose Mosse

[Kygirl821]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Id consider whether you’re with your boyfriend out of convenience than any real bond or interest over a future together. You’re shooting yourself in the foot not addressing any issues head on. 

Your comment really is making me think. You’re right. If I was truly happy with my boyfriend, which I’m not, then I wouldn’t even want to continue talking to the ex. My bf and I are from very different worlds and I see myself changing so I’m more like his. I’m not that person.  I definitely need to make some hard choices about what I want. 

[boltnrun]

My ex from over ten years ago contacted me, saying "Hope everything is good". I responded "thanks, you too" because I had no interest in reconnecting with him. He got the hint and left me alone after that. I know he has a long term girlfriend so not sure what's going on in his relationship that he wanted to reach out to me, but I'm not interested in helping him cheat or in giving somewhere to land if he wants to end things with her.

Are you honestly thinking about trying again with him if he asks?

[reinventmyself]

 . .and this is how it starts.

If it were a simple hello, hoping you were well and condolences that would be one thing.  But the exchange of feelings past or present borders on exchanging intimate thoughts.  It's this entry level stuff that tests the temperature for the possibility of more to come.    

From what you've shared it was more than one exchange.   The fact that you are  suddenly reassessing your current relationship only after having contact with each other is clear sign that is neither innocent, nor just friendly.

Edited March 31 by reinventmyself

[Kygirl821]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

 

My ex from over ten years ago contacted me, saying "Hope everything is good". I responded "thanks, you too" because I had no interest in reconnecting with him. He got the hint and left me alone after that. I know he has a long term girlfriend so not sure what's going on in his relationship that he wanted to reach out to me, but I'm not interested in helping him cheat or in giving somewhere to land if he wants to end things with her.

Are you honestly thinking about trying again with him if he asks?

 

I really don’t know. I doubt it honestly.  He hurt me pretty badly back then. He SAYS he’s different and I can tell just by how he talks that he’s grown up but that doesn’t mean that he’s changed. If he just wanted to check and see how I was doing he wouldn’t have said all the sappy stuff that he did on our first conversation. Who tells their ex from 20 years before that they still are one of their favorite people?  He has no idea what type of person I am anymore. 

[Kygirl821]

26 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

 

 . .and this is how it starts.

If it were a simple hello, hoping you were well and condolences that would be one thing.  But the exchange of feelings past or present borders on exchanging intimate thoughts.  It's this entry level stuff that tests the temperature for the possibility of more to come.    

From what you've shared it was more than one exchange.   The fact that you are  suddenly reassessing your current relationship only after having contact with each other is clear sign that is neither innocent, nor just friendly.

 

To be fair, I’ve had been reassessing my current relationship before the ex reached out.  I don’t doubt that I love my bf but him and I are different paths. I want more out of life and he says he does too but his actions speak differently. 
 

I’ve talked to my ex several times. Some just short exchanges, some longer. We both have initiated conversations with the other. I am refraining from doing that now because Im not sure of his intentions. If he doesn’t reach out then I know where he stands. 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 minutes ago, Kygirl821 said:

If he doesn’t reach out then I know where he stands

Just cut contact/block- boundary, done. If you are not happy with your current bf, end it but DON'T go to the ex either.

Be on your own, learn, heal, and move on to find a better match and choice than the past ones. Both of them seem like they're not the "one". The ex may have been a sign for you to reconsider the relationship, but it doesn't mean you need to keep in touch.

Edited March 31 by DarkCh0c0

[Kygirl821]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Just cut contact/block- boundary, done. If you are not happy with your current bf, end it but DON'T go to the ex either.

Be on your own, learn, heal, and move on to find a better match and choice than the past ones. Both of them seem like they're not the "one". The ex may have been a sign for you to reconsider the relationship, but it doesn't mean you need to keep in touch.

I know that I need to work on myself. There are things I want to accomplish in my life that I can’t do with my current bf weighing me down. He relies on me for a lot. He has a ton of medical issues and that’s a big part of the reason why I’ve stayed with him. I’ve known him and his family as long as I’ve known my ex and I know what type of support system he has. He has none. We both have lost parents in the last 6 months and I know he’s taking his mothers death very hard. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Kygirl821 so you seem like an empath, people-pleaser, and over-responsible lady. These are all strong qualities, but don't let them work against you. Our biggest strengths can be our weaknesses.

You know your bf is weighing down, don't let tough circumstances dictate your decision to stay. He's an adult and can make it fine on his own- Just like you. Only YOU can end this relationship and move on to make better choices. There won't be a "perfect time" to do it.

And, I'm sorry for your loss. Please love yourself more than your bf and relationship, realize your worth, and find that inner power to do what will bring happiness and healing to your life.

[HeartGoesOn]

9 minutes ago, Kygirl821 said:

I am refraining from doing that now because Im not sure of his intentions. If he doesn’t reach out then I know where he stands. 

He stands with his wife as he should, regardless of what his intentions are, or what he's telling you.  This may sound harsh, but he's a snake who is hiding behind a smoke screen, (imo).

In any event, the writing is on the wall.  Hopefully you'll see this for what it truly is.

[bluecastle]

From everything you're writing, this all seems to have little to do with your ex reaching out and a lot to do with the state of your current relationship. Replace "ex from 20 years ago" with "cool guy at bookstore I talked to yesterday" and I suspect you'd be having similar thoughts and feelings right now. 

Reading between the lines, it seems you kind hope your ex has romantic or shady intentions of some sort.

Why, exactly? Perhaps because it opens up a door for you to explore ending your current relationship? Not saying you want to run into his arms and have an affair, but that you seem to be looking for a reason to end your current relationship. That's where I think your energy would be best spent right now, as going into a wormhole trying to decode this ex and his potential "ulterior" motives is just drama. Drama distracts, sure, but it doesn't sweep away whatever needs to be cleaned up.

Really sorry to hear about your father, and your boyfriend's mother. That is a lot of heavy weights on the scale during a very heavy time in the world.