Ex reached out after 20+ years

[Kygirl821]

15 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

He stands with his wife as he should, regardless of what his intentions are, or what he's telling you.  This may sound harsh, but he's a snake who is hiding behind a smoke screen, (imo).

In any event, the writing is on the wall.  Hopefully you'll see this for what it truly is.

I think you’re right. If he’s unhappy with his relationship, I shouldn’t be brought into it. He has a lot more to lose than I do. I won’t be the other woman. Years ago I may have settled for that but I refuse to now. You weren’t harsh at all. I appreciate the honesty. That’s the reason why I posted this here. I know complete strangers will be straightforward with me. You have no reason not sugarcoat things. 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Kygirl821 said:

If he does he’s crazy. They’ve been married for almost 20 years. Their oldest daughter is 16. You would have thought that he would knew way before now if she was the one or not. I think I would be better off if I distanced myself from him. I’m not going to be the reason a home is broken up. 

He may have known for years she wasn't the one but is staying and pursuing women on the side. Or not -you're making wild assumptions here.  My ex emails me once in a while on linkedin -we dated a couple of months many years ago and he's been married for years.  I keep it impersonal AND I either mention my husband and/or his wife in every exchange -his wife had cancer he said.  We chat briefly about impersonal topics -exchange a couple of messages.  I never contact him.  This happened maybe two-three times over a couple of years.  Had he gotten personal I'd have cut him off. I have zero feelings for him.  

If he reached out in this way and his wife doesn't know I think it's somewhat playing with fire.

[boltnrun]

If you told your boyfriend "I care about you, but I feel you're weighing me down and I'm mainly staying with you out of pity for your medical issues and lack of family support", how do you think he'd react?

You said before you don't hide anything from your boyfriend. So does he know how you are currently feeling about the relationship?

[Kygirl821]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

If you told your boyfriend "I care about you, but I feel you're weighing me down and I'm mainly staying with you out of pity for your medical issues and lack of family support", how do you think he'd react?

You said before you don't hide anything from your boyfriend. So does he know how you are currently feeling about the relationship?

 

I’m not staying with him because of pity. I do love him. I know he’s able to do better than he is. He busts his butt every day. I feel like I can help him do better even though I know it’s not my responsibility to fix him. He knows about my issues with the relationship and he makes effort to fix them when I being things up. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Kygirl821 said:

I’m not staying with him because of pity. I do love him. I know he’s able to do better than he is. He busts his butt every day. I feel like I can help him do better even though I know it’s not my responsibility to fix him. He knows about my issues with the relationship and he makes effort to fix them when I being things up. 

2 hours ago, Kygirl821 said:

To be fair, I’ve had been reassessing my current relationship before the ex reached out.  I don’t doubt that I love my bf but him and I are different paths. I want more out of life and he says he does too but his actions speak differently. 

So these two posts somewhat contradict one another.

I presume this is an indication of being conflicted. And this ex creeping up out of the past has perhaps made you think there might be someone else out there who you'd be happier with. Especially since from what you wrote this ex is being at best inappropriate by communicating with you behind his wife's back.  He's possibly giving you a bit of excitement and is maybe a fun distraction. But I think you know it's not based in reality. I mean, of course you don't want to be the mistress of a married man.

What this has brought to light is how you feel about your current relationship and whether or not it's meeting your needs. That's the main thing to resolve. Keep the ex out and focus on what's best for you and your current boyfriend.

Edited March 31 by boltnrun

[Rose Mosse]

What changes are you referring to that you need to make for your boyfriend? Keep thinking about that relationship that's causing you to spin your wheels.

This other man from light years ago is only white noise. His issues and reality aren't yours. What you live in now is your reality so focus on whether this relationship is for you or not.

 

[Kwothe28]

So, you want to leave your boyfriend of 6 years for some guy that dumped you for somebody else 20 years ago? Guy who has wife and kids now. Just because said guy shoot you a message once how he thinks about you? 

Yeah, sorry to say, that wont end well. 

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, Kygirl821 said:

The weird thing about the ex is he dated the woman he married before him and I did. He ended things with her before we started dating. So while he was my first live, I don’t know that I was his. 
 

I don’t have really strong feelings for my ex. Just those little butterflies. Half of me wonders if it’s because it’s him or if it’s just because it’s different. He’s on my mind a lot but so is my boyfriend. 

To me this is a lot like choosing to cut back on sweets to improve your diet or eliminate certain foods.  You make the sacrifice to improve or maintain your health.  So it's important for you to cut off contact with this person because you're not going to be "friends" given the situation and there's great risk it could be detrimental to the health of your relationship.  

[SooSad33]

I'd say he is just wanting to be Friends.

Why would you expect anything else?

Has been many years!  You've both moved on w/ your lives yrs ago - should not be any 'expectations'.

Plus, we all change over time and how you knew him back then ( as for yourself) is not who you are now. 

[Kygirl821]

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

So, you want to leave your boyfriend of 6 years for some guy that dumped you for somebody else 20 years ago? Guy who has wife and kids now. Just because said guy shoot you a message once how he thinks about you? 

Yeah, sorry to say, that wont end well. 

 

I never said that I was leaving my boyfriend for anyone. If I do leave him it will be for me. Not for the ex. 

[Kygirl821]

15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

I'd say he is just wanting to be Friends.

Why would you expect anything else?

Has been many years!  You've both moved on w/ your lives yrs ago - should not be any 'expectations'.

Plus, we all change over time and how you knew him back then ( as for yourself) is not who you are now. 

 

I’m definitely not expecting anything else. I just don’t understand why after all these years he would make such an effort to find someone. My cell phone number isn’t easily found online. Believe me I tried lol. Plus to just start texting a list of numbers seems like a little extreme to me. Any connections we had were gone years ago. 

[Kygirl821]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me this is a lot like choosing to cut back on sweets to improve your diet or eliminate certain foods.  You make the sacrifice to improve or maintain your health.  So it's important for you to cut off contact with this person because you're not going to be "friends" given the situation and there's great risk it could be detrimental to the health of your relationship

This is wonderful advice and it’s exactly what i need to do.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, could just be 'curiosity'. It's common, I believe, where we are kinda wondering how other's are doing nowadays. No biggy.

But if you feel you can't handle this - is best to avoid and/or be honest.. and try not to look too deeply into it.

[Kygirl821]

18 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Yeah, could just be 'curiosity'. It's common, I believe, where we are kinda wondering how other's are doing nowadays. No biggy.

But if you feel you can't handle this - is best to avoid and/or be honest.. and try not to look too deeply into it.

 

My problem is I overanalyze EVERYTHING. I have to know the reason why everything is. Drives me crazy.  I think to avoid him is my best option. 

[SooSad33]

17 minutes ago, Kygirl821 said:

My problem is I overanalyze EVERYTHING. I have to know the reason why everything is. Drives me crazy.  I think to avoid him is my best option. 

Yup, I do the same, lol....

BUT is best not to.

Besides, you know he IS in a decent relationship right?  And you as well..?

Then no more.

IF it;s setting you off too much just avoid it all.

 

[boltnrun]

33 minutes ago, Kygirl821 said:

My problem is I overanalyze EVERYTHING. I have to know the reason why everything is. Drives me crazy.  I think to avoid him is my best option. 

It's important to realize there are some things you'll never have the answer to. You don't "have to know the reason why". You literally will survive if you don't! So give yourself permission to let this go.

This ex is hiding your communication from his wife and that's bad enough without even going any further.

[Andrina]

Accept that people are curious, but be realistic that you can never fully know what goes on in another's mind, so let it go.

Yeah, you really don't an ex who dumped you 20 years ago as a "friend." It's not like it'll be a buddy situation where you go do fun things together. And you admit to butterflies, so it's best not to open this can of worms.

Put yourself in his wife's shoes. If you were dating a man, would you like to find out that he'd searched high and low for an ex's number and told her she was one of his favorite people?

This guy isn't even worth the finger power to type out, "Have a great day."

I'd block him and deal with making your present life what you want it to be. Don't let the past drag you backwards.

[Kygirl821]

34 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Accept that people are curious, but be realistic that you can never fully know what goes on in another's mind, so let it go.

Yeah, you really don't an ex who dumped you 20 years ago as a "friend." It's not like it'll be a buddy situation where you go do fun things together. And you admit to butterflies, so it's best not to open this can of worms.

Put yourself in his wife's shoes. If you were dating a man, would you like to find out that he'd searched high and low for an ex's number and told her she was one of his favorite people?

This guy isn't even worth the finger power to type out, "Have a great day."

I'd block him and deal with making your present life what you want it to be. Don't let the past drag you backwards.

I have thought about how his wife might feel about the whole situation. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend doing what he did to her to me. That would make me feel awful. So I’m leaving this on him and backing off completely. Great advice ♥️

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Kygirl821 said:

My problem is I overanalyze EVERYTHING. I have to know the reason why everything is. Drives me crazy.  I think to avoid him is my best option. 

Do you overanalyze why you think your boyfriend looks cute in a certain shirt, or do you tend to overanalyze when you know what the right thing to do is but you tell yourself you are "confused" or that it's "complicated" so you can avoid what you know is right? 

Like let's say you were waiting in line behind an elderly lady at the store -you see her drop a $20 bill as she's hunting for her credit card.  You sure could use the $20 and there is no way she's going to notice it's gone. 

Do you overanalyze "why" or do you just know it's wrong to take it.  There is no reason why other than it's the right thing to do - there's no logical reason as you won't get caught and then you'll have $20 for no effort.  

You do know the reason why it's a bad idea to stay in contact with this person. 

[Wafils]

Hello, it seems you have a number of responses and have decided to ignore your ex going forward. Good for you! Just to add to the chorus of, don't play with fire and expect to not get burned. 

Your ex sounds like a monkey-brancher, basically someone who moves seamlessly from one relationship to the next because they can not be alone (I have an ex like this also). The rushed intimacy (disclosing how you are one of his "favorite" people even though he's married with kids) and being secretive from his wife are ENORMOUS red flags. He's likely having martial issues and searching for his next "branch." Once he has you or someone else lined up and agreeable, he'll be ready to dip from the marriage. Or simply carry on an emotional or physical affair. Neither are good outcomes or will bring you any joy. 

 

Whatever issues you have with your current BF, just remember that is separate from the ex- whether or not you decide to end things or take a break from you BF, do not make that decision on the basis of the skeezy ex. 

[catfeeder]

On 3/30/2022 at 11:32 PM, Kygirl821 said:

I get the vibe that she doesn’t know we talk because we will be in mid conversation and then say gotta go bye. 

Ewww. That's not a little bad, it's worse than red-flag bad--it's big-time giant-neon-sign bad, and nothing short of disaster can come from dealing with this guy. I'm glad to hear that you've considered dropping contact with him.

[Sugarstixx]

Sound to me like you two were a match made in heaven! No doubt made for each other & meant to be together?? Neither of you care one iota about the partner your currently with, you obviously don’t know the true meanings of love , trust, respect for each other or the partners you’ll obviously cause pain & suffering from the betrayal of the cheating of the breakup itself, or last by not least devotion.
Go right ahead , get together without giving a second thought regarding the slightest thought to any meaning at all of common decency,values or morals? I’m sure you both would make the perfect couple and last a lifetime. (Not likely!)

Remember as the old saying goes- what goes around comes around? It’s also called Karma and it does happen more often than not ! 

[Kygirl821]

On 4/2/2022 at 9:45 PM, Wafils said:

Hello, it seems you have a number of responses and have decided to ignore your ex going forward. Good for you! Just to add to the chorus of, don't play with fire and expect to not get burned. 

Your ex sounds like a monkey-brancher, basically someone who moves seamlessly from one relationship to the next because they can not be alone (I have an ex like this also). The rushed intimacy (disclosing how you are one of his "favorite" people even though he's married with kids) and being secretive from his wife are ENORMOUS red flags. He's likely having martial issues and searching for his next "branch." Once he has you or someone else lined up and agreeable, he'll be ready to dip from the marriage. Or simply carry on an emotional or physical affair. Neither are good outcomes or will bring you any joy. 

 

Whatever issues you have with your current BF, just remember that is separate from the ex- whether or not you decide to end things or take a break from you BF, do not make that decision on the basis of the skeezy ex. 

A monkey brancher is EXACTLY what he is. He went from one straight to me, from me to another, from the other back to his wife now. Thankfully I haven’t heard from him since last week so maybe it was just a mini mid life crisis.