Narcissistic mother is driving me mad

[RuedeRivoli]

Per usual, my mother has unleashed her true self.

I posted on here about how I didn't speak to her for 6 years and we were forced to reconnect over my dad's death in December. It was more her tracking me down to get me to handle all the administrative burden around my dad's estate. A month ago, I flew with my own money to initiate some processes around my dad's estate (mainly mortgage protection to get the insurance to pay for the mortgage of the house she lives in; my dad's retirement; life insurance).

I initiated the mortgage protection process and told her it would take a couple of weeks before the mortgage protection money kicks in. In addition to that, I couldn't initiate anything around the life insurance and retirement since my dad left everything to her only and she lost both her ID and passport. I had been onto her for a month before my visit for her to get them sorted because I can't do anything without those and she only got them sorted yesterday.

Today, she asked my sister to ask me why everything is taking so long! She's complaining everything is taking ages and basically saying I don't know what I'm doing. She's not trusting a thing of what I'm doing and questions it all repeatedly. I explained to her on numerous occasions that a) these legal processes take weeks b) if something is missing in your file, it doesn't get processed period, so her not knowing where her ID/passport were an additional factor. I keep repeating these are lengthy legal / financial processes and I know what I'm doing.

Instead of being grateful and supportive that her estranged daughter that works 12 hours a day is trying to get everything sorted remotely on top of her job, she is complaining and doubting what I'm doing at every turn. She basically indirectly is saying that everything I've been doing is a failure but she hasn't seen the immediate result (as if these things get finalized in 1 day). No words of support, just complaining with her sense of entitlement as usual.

She has 3 grown kids with her (my siblings), she doesn't work at all (never worked a day in her life) while I'm out here feeling the pressure from every angle and instead of showing appreciation, she's complaining. I have not spoken to her over the phone since I left her house (willingly) and I only deal with my siblings for now. Yet, she still manages to drive me up the wall. 

[boltnrun]

I guess I don't understand why you keep expecting her to change.

What are you basing that expectation on?

[Wiseman2]

Let her get an attorney to help her execute his will. If there's no will she's the sole beneficiary, so your involvement is completely unnecessary anyway. Either way she needs legal advice if she can not handle the details and finances of his death. Do Not get Involved.

[RuedeRivoli]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I guess I don't understand why you keep expecting her to change.

What are you basing that expectation on?

Well, I've ceased communication with her. I haven't spoken to her since I came back from my trip. She just keeps interfering through my sister. My sister sends me emails that read: "I know you're doing everything properly and that's what I've been telling mom, but she won't listen". I'm not expecting her to change, hence the fact I've ceased all communication. I'm now getting second-hand yelling.

[RuedeRivoli]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let her get an attorney to help her execute his will. If there's no will she's the sole beneficiary, so your involvement is completely unnecessary anyway. Either way she needs legal advice if she can not handle the details and finances of his death. Do Not get Involved.

I'm the one with the legal degree and financial background in the family, so technically, I have the knowledge.

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Well, I've ceased communication with her. I haven't spoken to her since I came back from my trip. She just keeps interfering through my sister. My sister sends me emails that read: "I know you're doing everything properly and that's what I've been telling mom, but she won't listen". I'm not expecting her to change, hence the fact I've ceased all communication. I'm now getting second-hand yelling.

Ok, then tell your sister that you're happy to keep in touch, but you will not discuss your mother or anything having to do with the estate. If she brings it up politely remind her that you will not discuss that topic. Then ask her how she's doing.

26 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

I'm the one with the legal degree and financial background in the family, so technically, I have the knowledge.

That doesn't mean you're mandated to assist her. There are plenty of estate attorneys who can help her.

It's up to you to make a choice. Continue to upset yourself by staying involved or end it.

[Seraphim]

I think you are going to have to cut off your siblings as well. 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

My sister sends me emails that read: "I know you're doing everything properly and that's what I've been telling mom, but she won't listen".

And what? Sounds like your sister has to do a little managing of her own. You manage the finances for them, she can manage the outbursts. Teamwork.

[RuedeRivoli]

50 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

And what? Sounds like your sister has to do a little managing of her own. You manage the finances for them, she can manage the outbursts. Teamwork.

Exactly. I really did not need my sister to relay my mom's outbursts. She should be managing those on her own, especially as she knows the answers to the questions. She kept relaying her outbursts all morning and as I was working from home, it literally derailed my entire morning. I didn't do anything all morning, then I kept focusing on her outbursts. I normally never interact with my siblings during the week to prevent this type of scenario, but there was an urgent document we needed to sort out. 

Not speaking to my mom for the last month was the best decision I could have made for myself. 

[Jibralta]

3 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Part of me just wants to send my sibling an email to my sibling to tell her that I need some distance from my mom and ask them to stop relaying her outbursts.

Is it possible that she is just reaching out for support? Can you say, "Thank you so much for dealing with this! I know how hard she can be."

[RuedeRivoli]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Is it possible that she is just reaching out for support? Can you say, "Thank you so much for dealing with this! I know how hard she can be."

Yes, I think she does reach out to me for support. She probably won't admit it, but I think it must be hard for her and my other sister to deal with my mother. In the past, my father used to always dilute my mother's outbursts, but now that he is gone, I can only imagine her outbursts may have gotten worse and two sisters are probably disarmed. They probably don't want to upset her even more. 

I did thanked my sister this morning for helping me with the few bits of paperwork she did and told her how hard it must be for her to be dealing with all this at such a young age. I said that I was really appreciative of all she's done. I think I felt a bit of despair when she wrote me if I'm honest. 

People said I should cut my siblings off because they're not my responsibility, but my mother will damage them the way she did me. They don't have anyone (no grandparents, no uncles / aunts because my mom is estranged from her own family and some of my dad's family). With my dad being gone and her acting like another child, rather than the adult, my poor siblings are probably utterly disoriented.

[1a1a]

I think you can love your siblings and still refuse to share the burden of your mother’s emotions. 
 

If you can pull this off mentally, first of, the sibling email needs to be quarantined somewhere for looking at at designated times. Assume there will be stories of your mum’s sheer jerkiness in them. Vow never to argue or defend yourself against the criticisms. They are but the ramblings of a mad woman. Say something vaguely supportive and validating to your sibling ‘I’m sorry you’ve had to listen to that all morning, it sounds exhausting’. If you feel like it, maybe suggest to your siblings they don’t need to argue with your mum either ‘I disagree with your assessment of reude rivoli but I’m not hear to argue, now, how’s *insert subject change to something mum likes* going?’ Or ‘ok, subject change’

 

In short, all of you want to go grey rock (aka, be as boring as grey rocks in your responses to everything your mum says that’s obnoxious).

 

I wish you all the strength required to get through this marathon. 

[melancholy123]

You may have a legal degree and understand these things but you dont have the temperament to handle them.  This is nothing but a boat load of stress for you.  You or mother would be better off to pay  an estate lawyer to sort it out.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

 so technically, I have the knowledge.

That's ok. But she needs neutral professionals locally to manage the estate, her financial affairs, etc.

Volunteering to execute a will when you are not the legally designated executrix, is foolish.

[RuedeRivoli]

5 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

You may have a legal degree and understand these things but you dont have the temperament to handle them.  This is nothing but a boat load of stress for you.  You or mother would be better off to pay  an estate lawyer to sort it out.

I have the temperament to deal with these processes and I'm perfectly fine handling them. I've handled far worse in my day to day job even in terms of clients. What I don't like is her meddling without having any knowledge of how the process works and her throwing tantrums at every corner. It's different when it's a client because you have that professional barrier, but when it's a family remember constantly questioning what you're doing when you're doing this as a favour because you're getting nothing from it ... it's particularly annoying.

My mother doesn't have the means to hire a lawyer and honestly, it's not really how it works where she is based. I know in the US/UK/Canada, it's a thing to hire a lawyer for these things, but not where she is based. Very very few people do, unless they have a very substantial estate, which was not my dad's case. I don't want to pay for it anyways. You don't need an estate lawyer to initiate insurance protection payments on a mortgage and collect life insurance. 

[RuedeRivoli]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. But she needs neutral professionals locally to manage the estate, her financial affairs, etc.

Volunteering to execute a will when you are not the legally designated executrix, is foolish.

Well, you obviously you do not have the full context and manage to call me a fool.

My dad did not have a will, so I'm not taking on the role of "executor" illegally. As matter of fact, local law states that where there's a will, anyone can be appointed in it as executor. It doesn't have to be a professional. I think I'm well-versed enough with the law to know where I can and can't step in. You can rest assured that I did my research as to what I could and could not do before taking on this burden.

She is based in France. It's not how things work. It's a fancy thing in the US / UK to hire a lawyer even if you don't have a complex estate, but not in France. People don't really do that.  If the person's net worth is under a particular amount or if there is no will, you do not need to involve an external party for these proceedings. It is my dad's case. 

You do not need a lawyer to trigger the mortgage insurance protection payments on the house and collect life insurance. These are the only two things my dad had under his name. These do not require a lawyer. They require to fill in some paperwork and get the process going. Very very few people hire an estate lawyer where she lives, simply because it's not customary. Notaries are hired, but only if the estate is above a certain threshold or if there is a will involved, which is not the case here. 

[Wiseman2]

Everyone in your family seems to be in the anger stages of grief. Especially you.

Simmer down and skip the arrogance. Maybe this is a case of the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree?

[RuedeRivoli]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Everyone in your family seems to be in the anger stages of grief. Especially you.

Simmer down and skip the arrogance. Maybe this is a case of the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree?

I don't have any arrogance, I'm simply trying to explain the context. You called me a fool, that's not nice.

[melancholy123]

5 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

I have the temperament to deal with these processes and I'm perfectly fine handling them. I've handled far worse in my day to day job even in terms of clients. What I don't like is her meddling without having any knowledge of how the process works and her throwing tantrums at every corner. It's different when it's a client because you have that professional barrier, but when it's a family remember constantly questioning what you're doing when you're doing this as a favour because you're getting nothing from it ... it's particularly annoying.

My mother doesn't have the means to hire a lawyer and honestly, it's not really how it works where she is based. I know in the US/UK/Canada, it's a thing to hire a lawyer for these things, but not where she is based. Very very few people do, unless they have a very substantial estate, which was not my dad's case. I don't want to pay for it anyways. You don't need an estate lawyer to initiate insurance protection payments on a mortgage and collect life insurance. 

Well then if you are going to keep on doing this you will need to figure out how to not let your mother get to you as she's doing a fine job of irritating you.  Yes in Canada you have a lawyer do these things, they are an impartial 3rd party who can disregard tantrums and bad attitudes.  But you are not able to do that very well as you are too close to the issue.

[melancholy123]

I dont think Wiseman culled you a fool, he said you were being foolish.  That's different.

[Rose Mosse]

Ignore the comments about or from your mother. This is something you’re taking on so with it will come all the other complaints and pushback. Know that when idle or in difficulty many will like to complain and dealing with the loss of your father while worrying about financial/legal matters may be eating at your mother. 

Keep repeating the same information that the process/es are underway and if there are any updates you’ll be letting them know. No variation if no change. Find time in the day also to decompress and do things you love to do aside from this and work.