Broke up, dated someone else, got back together, now I've lost feelings for my boyfriend

[Throwlarson]

I'm 29F. My boyfriend and I have been together since the age of 21. We were both each other's firsts. For 6 years, we were good together. We never really talked about the future, marriage etc, just enjoyed our time together. After 6 years, we broke up because I didn't know if I was ready to get married. Also because I had no relationship experience and I felt like he wasn't emotionally expressive enough, and I need affection in ways that he couldn't provide (words of affirmation, cuddles, kisses etc). I should say that we were and still are best friends. He's a nice person, no matter what he's been my rock, he's basically been the one constant person in my life ever since we've met. 

Anyway, we broke up amicably due to these reasons. I started dating another guy for 5 months. This new guy was everything that I thought I needed, he was sensitive, expressed emotion, we had a lot of common interests etc. I fell hard, got attached and then he pulled away big time. We had an argument about this, and he broke up with me very callously saying he's still in love with his ex. 

I was heartbroken. I obviously went back to my previous bf (he hadn't dated anyone seriously in the time). I told him about everything and he was very understanding. I realized how I was just throwing away everything and how rare it is to be with someone who just loves you for who you are. I _know_ I love him, but I feel like we've become roommates/best friends instead of partners. The spark is gone, we don't have sex anymore. I still have feelings for that other guy who dumped me. I know for a fact that I would not want to reconcile with him, I feel like if time had progressed I would have done the same to him since I do love my boyfriend and I did miss him the time we were broken up, that it was just the honeymoon phase and we were not a good match anyway. My boyfriend is aware of my feelings and we both want it to work. 

 

I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want another relationship, I just want what my boyfriend and I used to have before we broke up. Breaking up was a mistake because now I have caught feelings for another person, but if we hadn't broken up I would not have realised what true love means. Relationships take work and I gave up on him. How do I get the feelings back? We are both trying to work on things we felt were lacking before. He's trying to be more vocal about emotions, more affectionate, and I'm trying not to take it so hard if he doesn't because everyone's love languages are different.  I certainly cannot imagine life with anyone else, we make each other laugh everyday, have 2 cats together and it's everything a relationship should have - love, respect, etc. I don't want to have feelings for that other person who dumped me like that. I know it's because of "rejection", you want the things you can't have. If he were to come begging back I wouldn't even talk to him. 

Help me, please. 

I see my friends struggling through abusive relationships, and I can't believe I threw it all away. 

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, Throwlarson said:

How do I get the feelings back?

What kind of 'feelings' are you lacking? 

Has he become emotionally available and affectionate since you've gotten back together?

[Throwlarson]

6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

What kind of 'feelings' are you lacking? 

Has he become emotionally available and affectionate since you've gotten back together?

He has, it's not his personality but I can see visible and consistent efforts on his part. 

I feel like I've lost romantic feelings for him, even though the emotional attachment is definitely there. I'm still attracted to him, but my mind keeps going back to that other guy. 

[Jibralta]

You could be rebounding. It doesn't mean you want to get back together with the other guy. But maybe it's too soon to get involved with someone else again, even if it's someone you've already been with. You should put space between relationships for your own mental hygiene. 

[Throwlarson]

27 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You could be rebounding. It doesn't mean you want to get back together with the other guy. But maybe it's too soon to get involved with someone else again, even if it's someone you've already been with. You should put space between relationships for your own mental hygiene. 

So what do you suggest? I take a break from my boyfriend and then restart things? Because I'm a 100% certain I only want to be with him. And we are completely honest and understanding as to what we are both feeling. 

[Jibralta]

Yes. Take some time to clear your head.

[MissCanuck]

I think you have outgrown your relationship and are not yet ready to admit it to yourself. 

What you describe is two people who love each other and are comfortable together, but are really just friends. That is not going to bode well for a long-term future together. Feelings don't just come back like that. It seems that you did the right thing breaking up, even if the new relationship didn't work out. You had already emotionally detached and knew you were unhappy. Going back to him because the new guy dumped you was not the best idea, and now you're seeing why. 

I would stay single for a while, and understand that you are probably better-suited to someone else entirely. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Throwlarson said:

I obviously went back to my previous bf. I feel like we've become roommates.we don't have sex anymore. I still have feelings for that other guy 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? 

At some level you know that you're using him as a security blanket. Eventually, he'll want someone who loves respects and is attracted to him.

Move out/breakup rather than toss him aside whenever a shiny new romcom opportunity comes along.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Throwlarson said:

I _know_ I love him

No you dont, at least not in a romantic kind of way. Sometimes, after years of relationship, passion and intimacy is gone. All you are left is durability, that feeling where you are with somebody because you are in a relationship for a long time. And that is about it, aside of you being with him for a long time with him, there is nothing else that connects you more deeply. He might as well be a friend.

And at that situation, I am afraid there is no magic stick that would bring you trully together like before again. You dont even have sex with him. And you are at the years when you should both maybe start thinking about the children. So I am afraid that you both need to try to find your hapiness elsewhere. Because you both deserve somebody to love you for who you are. Not somebody who would be with you just because you are together for a long time. After all, you only took him back because the other guy dumped you. If it wasnt for that, you wouldnt even consider him now and would still be with the other guy. So, release both of you and  and find someboy who will love you in all ways. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Throwlarson said:

I was heartbroken. I obviously went back to my previous bf (he hadn't dated anyone seriously in the time). I told him about everything and he was very understanding. I realized how I was just throwing away everything and how rare it is to be with someone who just loves you for who you are. I _know_ I love him, but I feel like we've become roommates/best friends instead of partners.

So the problem is you went back to your boyfriend in a robotic way not a heart way, not an excited way, like going back to your old PJs because the new fancy ones are exciting but not comfy and you're feeling needy and want comfy.  You don't respect him much for taking you back.  You wonder why -I bet- that he didn't get snapped up by someone else in all those months.  

Relationship experience? No, you don't break up with someone to get "relationship experience" - and you didn't.  You went for unavailable hottie who was good in bed.  That's sex experience, shopping around.  Be honest.  You ended things because you were bored and wanted to explore your options.  There's no relationship resume like a job resume.  It's fine to want to explore, it's fine not to have found your "one" in your 20s but call it what it is.  Because that's why it didn't work when you went back to your boyfriend. 

Wanting "experience" is different than seeking "excitement".  So for example a young 20 something might tell someone who wants to be exclusive right away that she's not ready - she is still in a phase where she wants to meet lots of people and not settle yet on one - but after an LTR you have plenty of relationship experience. 

You don't need variety to have relationship experience.  I have one child.  Do I need to adopt another child to have parenting relationship experience because I only have parented one child? 

The answer isn't to go back to boring and comfy because the alternative is abuse.  That's ridiculous.  Don't settle- find someone where you feel reasonably sure he is your person and reasonably excited.  Friendship caught on fire -love, passion chemistry, commitment.  Let your ex boyfriend go find someone who feels that way about him -don't waste more of his time. You left for a reason, that reason didn't change in the time you were apart.  Had this other guy still wanted you you would still be with him I bet.

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

there is no magic stick that would bring you trully together

 

[Rose Mosse]

Have you allowed yourself to just “be”? The honeymoon period eventually fades but some do continue to chase after it and in the process fail also to see what’s right in front of them. 

If you know this is where you want to be experience the moment and stop struggling so much. I’d explore what is it in you that needs to feel struggle and high highs or deep lows to feel happy. 

Make up your mind and stick with it. You say you love your boyfriend so start behaving like it and forget this other guy who dumped you so callously. 

If you do find you aren’t ready to be with anyone then be single for awhile. Know that it’s unkind and deceitful to be on/off and dumping/getting back together with someone who has shown you great consistency and understanding. If you end this, let it be for good with your long time boyfriend. He deserves a lot better than you can give him.

[Throwlarson]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So the problem is you went back to your boyfriend in a robotic way not a heart way, not an excited way, like going back to your old PJs because the new fancy ones are exciting but not comfy and you're feeling needy and want comfy.  You don't respect him much for taking you back.  You wonder why -I bet- that he didn't get snapped up by someone else in all those months.  

Relationship experience? No, you don't break up with someone to get "relationship experience" - and you didn't.  You went for unavailable hottie who was good in bed.  That's sex experience, shopping around.  Be honest.  You ended things because you were bored and wanted to explore your options.  There's no relationship resume like a job resume.  It's fine to want to explore, it's fine not to have found your "one" in your 20s but call it what it is.  Because that's why it didn't work when you went back to your boyfriend. 

Wanting "experience" is different than seeking "excitement".  So for example a young 20 something might tell someone who wants to be exclusive right away that she's not ready - she is still in a phase where she wants to meet lots of people and not settle yet on one - but after an LTR you have plenty of relationship experience. 

You don't need variety to have relationship experience.  I have one child.  Do I need to adopt another child to have parenting relationship experience because I only have parented one child? 

The answer isn't to go back to boring and comfy because the alternative is abuse.  That's ridiculous.  Don't settle- find someone where you feel reasonably sure he is your person and reasonably excited.  Friendship caught on fire -love, passion chemistry, commitment.  Let your ex boyfriend go find someone who feels that way about him -don't waste more of his time. You left for a reason, that reason didn't change in the time you were apart.  Had this other guy still wanted you you would still be with him I bet.

To be honest I'm not sure I agree with that. I think it was because in the new relationship I was still in the honeymoon phase. Towards the end I was missing my boyfriend intensely, and did actually think about whether I should call things off with the new guy or not. If things had progressed further I think I would have too. He just broke it off with me for the exact same reason I would have broken it off with him eventually. But I was too in the "butterflies" stage then to understand that. 

[smackie9]

You do need time to be on your own. It's sad in a way that your BF is only giving affection for you not for himself, like he wants it too. Over time this will be an issue again. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Throwlarson said:

To be honest I'm not sure I agree with that. I think it was because in the new relationship I was still in the honeymoon phase. Towards the end I was missing my boyfriend intensely, and did actually think about whether I should call things off with the new guy or not. If things had progressed further I think I would have too. He just broke it off with me for the exact same reason I would have broken it off with him eventually. But I was too in the "butterflies" stage then to understand that. 

It seems more like your ego was bruised that he beat you to it first.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Throwlarson said:

To be honest I'm not sure I agree with that. I think it was because in the new relationship I was still in the honeymoon phase. Towards the end I was missing my boyfriend intensely, and did actually think about whether I should call things off with the new guy or not. If things had progressed further I think I would have too. He just broke it off with me for the exact same reason I would have broken it off with him eventually. But I was too in the "butterflies" stage then to understand that. 

Well no you said that he was callous in how he broke it off so you weren't relieved, etc.  You chose to react to the "butterfly" stage by staying with him - you chose not to take a long hard look at how you were risking giving up what you now regret giving up.  Thinking about breaking up and "missing" someone is not at all the same as doing it.  You chose the benefits of the butterflies and coasting along with the new guy over risking leaving him, and the risk that you might then not have anyone to date if your ex chose to tell you to go and pound sand.  

You owe it to yourself to be brutally honest with yourself and not justify that you somehow had no control because of "butterflies"

[Throwlarson]

52 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It seems more like your ego was bruised that he beat you to it first.

I'll agree with this. I know for a fact my feelings for him were just surface level, they didn't grow to the point of actual care/affection. I feel like if I get an apology from him all will go back to normal. I just don't know what to do at this point or how to let go. 

[Throwlarson]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well no you said that he was callous in how he broke it off so you weren't relieved, etc.  You chose to react to the "butterfly" stage by staying with him - you chose not to take a long hard look at how you were risking giving up what you now regret giving up.  Thinking about breaking up and "missing" someone is not at all the same as doing it.  You chose the benefits of the butterflies and coasting along with the new guy over risking leaving him, and the risk that you might then not have anyone to date if your ex chose to tell you to go and pound sand.  

You owe it to yourself to be brutally honest with yourself and not justify that you somehow had no control because of "butterflies"

So what exactly are you trying to get me to admit here? I didn't "dump" my boyfriend, it was a very mutual decision to part. The "risk" of losing him etc didn't even cross my mind because somewhere I knew in my head we would both gravitate back to each other. 

I've never dated anyone apart from him, never broken up with anyone. I'm freely admitting that I got super carried away by the butterflies with the new guy, the new guy absolutely did too btw. He just snapped out of it before I did. 

[MissCanuck]

Without judgement, did you meet the new guy while you were still in a relationship with your boyfriend? 

[Rose Mosse]

13 minutes ago, Throwlarson said:

I'll agree with this. I know for a fact my feelings for him were just surface level, they didn't grow to the point of actual care/affection. I feel like if I get an apology from him all will go back to normal. I just don't know what to do at this point or how to let go. 

Is there anything to do? You're in a lovely relationship now. I'd let these feelings fade naturally and never say a word to your boyfriend now if you're still together as it would be very hurtful and erode trust. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is absolutely nothing especially if you truly love and appreciate what you have right now. Protect that and turn your attention to your current relationship.

[Throwlarson]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Without judgement, did you meet the new guy while you were still in a relationship with your boyfriend? 

No, my boyfriend and I found ourselves in a long distance relationship (we had both moved countries for university). We visited each other often, but called it quits because of the reasons I mentioned. The second person I went on a date on was this new guy, and it was like an instant connection. I genuinely did not know what rebounding is, or what was to come. 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Throwlarson said:

I'll agree with this. I know for a fact my feelings for him were just surface level, they didn't grow to the point of actual care/affection. I feel like if I get an apology from him all will go back to normal. I just don't know what to do at this point or how to let go. 

It doesn't matter what you felt.  You acted by ending things with your boyfriend to date him.  What to do at this point is to either decide that you can take steps to reinvigorate the spark you had at one time with your long term boyfriend -not passively wait -take action -whether that is seeking therapy, reading books on how to do that, etc.  or let him go so he can find someone who is really into him and wants to be committed to him and not explore other options.  

How to let go - you let go by acting the part.  By letting the feelings of still wanting to be with Butterfly Hot Guy exist but reacting by just living your life.  Make sure your life is filled with productive activities, work, friends, socializing, exercise.

[MissCanuck]

 I don't think you were rebounding, honestly. 

I think you were a newly-single woman stretching her wings and looking for something more, and enjoying her singelhood after a long relationship that fizzled out.  And you happened to meet a guy who was pretty great - until it turned out he was still not over his ex. 

My strong sense is that your relationship with your boyfriend is over and has been for a long time. But you care about each other and are comfortable and familiar, so you have agreed to try again. But it's not really what you want, in your heart of hearts, and that's the reason it isn't working. 

Your feelings are friend-level. Not boyfriend/girlfriend-level anymore. In time, I think you will see that you can't manufacture feelings that are just no longer there, and you'll set each other free. 

[Throwlarson]

11 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Is there anything to do? You're in a lovely relationship now. I'd let these feelings fade naturally and never say a word to your boyfriend now if you're still together as it would be very hurtful and erode trust. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is absolutely nothing especially if you truly love and appreciate what you have right now. Protect that and turn your attention to your current relationship.

Thank you, I am trying really hard to do exactly that. We've let the past be and are actively trying to work on our relationship. I do hope these feelings fade naturally. 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Throwlarson said:

So what exactly are you trying to get me to admit here? I didn't "dump" my boyfriend, it was a very mutual decision to part. The "risk" of losing him etc didn't even cross my mind because somewhere I knew in my head we would both gravitate back to each other. 

I've never dated anyone apart from him, never broken up with anyone. I'm freely admitting that I got super carried away by the butterflies with the new guy, the new guy absolutely did too btw. He just snapped out of it before I did. 

So there's the problem.  I didn't use the word dump.  If you never were worried about losing him then you really weren't that into him in the right way.  If you actually thought he was a special person deserving of love and commitment you'd have been very very worried that of course once you left him he'd be pursued by other women, and since you were ready to go on a date with someone else and feel intense chemistry well then he could as well.  You broke up -whether mutual or not.  Please don't tell yourself fairytales about finding your way back to someone you let go of. 

You're special but not "that" special that a man should pine after you while you sow your wild oats. 

My husband and I dated in our late 20s/early 30s, broke up shortly before our planned big wedding.  Broke up for 7.5 years.  I ended things but it also was basically mutual.  I didn't end it because of a man and I did start dating someone seriously a couple of months later.  He also had serious relationships but no marriages for either of us.

We found our way back to each other after 7.5 years.  I never ever expected him to still be single plus want to be with me. Never thought for a second that he -a real catch - would find his way back to me or me to him once we broke up.  I took that risk when we ended things.  I accepted that risk.  It's really not a good way to be to expect that somehow "fate" will intervene in something as important as potentially the rest of your life.