Broke up, dated someone else, got back together, now I've lost feelings for my boyfriend

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Batya33 said:

If you never were worried about losing him then you really weren't that into him in the right way.

That jumped out at me, too. It says it all. 

[Rose Mosse]

2 minutes ago, Throwlarson said:

Thank you, I am trying really hard to do exactly that. We've let the past be and are actively trying to work on our relationship. I do hope these feelings fade naturally. 

Let go of that guilt and overanalyzing. Frankly speaking, it's more destructive than useful. You're going over in your mind the ways you wish you might have been the one to end things with the previous person but he was only an ego stroke. 

Whenever you feel yourself slipping into self-doubt, remind yourself the reasons why you're with your boyfriend now. No one can convince you of why you're with someone. You'll have to feel it for yourself and be certain that this is where you want to be. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Let go of that guilt and overanalyzing. Frankly speaking, it's more destructive than useful. You're going over in your mind the ways you wish you might have been the one to end things with the previous person but he was only an ego stroke. 

Whenever you feel yourself slipping into self-doubt, remind yourself the reasons why you're with your boyfriend now. No one can convince you of why you're with someone. You'll have to feel it for yourself and be certain that this is where you want to be. 

I agree with this.  I think doubts are normal if they're easily resolvable and more fleeting than shaking you to the core.  Please don't ask your boyfriend to help you resolve your doubts unless there is a specific thing he is doing or not doing that is triggering your doubts.

[SooSad33]

14 hours ago, Throwlarson said:

I just want what my boyfriend and I used to have before we broke up. Breaking up was a mistake because now I have caught feelings for another person, but if we hadn't broken up I would not have realised what true love means. Relationships take work and I gave up on him. How do I get the feelings back? We are both trying to work on things we felt were lacking before

For one, I think you need to do this..apart.  Work on what caused your BU. And IF you feel this may work, in time, then give each other that time, to figure yourselves out. ( IMO, it may work out after a cpl years at least apart.  

And two, you can't just 'make' feelings come back.  You two broke up for reasons. (  we broke up because I didn't know if I was ready to get married. Also because I had no relationship experience and I felt like he wasn't emotionally expressive enough, and I need affection in ways that he couldn't provide (words of affirmation, cuddles, kisses etc) - So, why would any of this suddenly be there now?? -

YOU and your most recent ex were both rebounding, so no, that would not have worked and now, YOU are 'stuck' between the two - with feelings, right??

Then this is NOT a good time to even reach out towards your ex BF.  YOU need some serious down time on your own.  So, yeah, you two need a good time on your own to work through things.

And if all you two can manage is a basic 'friendship', then maybe that's what you should work on accepting.

 

 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You acted by ending things with your boyfriend to date him.

No, she met and started dating the new guy after she broke up with her old boyfriend.

3 hours ago, Throwlarson said:

No, my boyfriend and I found ourselves in a long distance relationship (we had both moved countries for university). We visited each other often, but called it quits because of the reasons I mentioned. The second person I went on a date on was this new guy, and it was like an instant connection.

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

No, she met and started dating the new guy after she broke up with her old boyfriend.

 

Yes, my mistake. Same opinion.  She had the dream of someone else.

[Andrina]

On 3/7/2022 at 12:51 AM, Throwlarson said:

He's trying to be more vocal about emotions, more affectionate, and I'm trying not to take it so hard if he doesn't because everyone's love languages are different. 

Even as you've discussed how to improve the relationship, and each know what needs to be done, the relationship has gone the opposite way and regressed. You should have stayed broken up the first time. You were willing to let him go forever for good reason.

Yes, it's a strange feeling to daily be in someone's life and then go to zero contact. It's a new way of living you will have to get used to. But as each day passes, you will get used to it and not think of him daily.

You've spent your entire young adult years attached. My advice is to be alone a solid year and get to know yourself as an individual who is not one half of a couple. Ironically, this alone time will eventually prepare you to eventually pick a more compatible partner. Singular pieces you're focusing on that are good will no longer cloud your decisions because you'll be seeing the whole picture in a clearer light.

You will be against this big change in your life, but I suggest going no contact. A future bf won't accept you being buddies with a guy you dated for 6 years. Free him to be with a woman who will be crazy about him. He doesn't deserve to endure a woman who fantasizes about an ex and a woman who finds him to be lacking where affection is concerned.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Andrina said:

He's trying to be more vocal about emotions, more affectionate, and I'm trying not to take it so hard if he doesn't because everyone's love languages are different. 

Don't kid yourself that this has anything to  do with fancy pants "love languages" or any other psycho speak you can come up with.  Everyone isn't relevant.  Other people's languages, smoke signals, sign language, yelling, whispering, singsong tones - not relevant.  All that is relevant is really really basic.  You are no longer into him romantically.  You would like to revive the spark after you have now dated someone else who knocked your socks off but wasn't right for you.  You thought "of course" I should go back to my good ole dependable boyfriend who of course didn't date anyone else -he waited for me to come to my senses for 5 months.  That aint so sexy.

It's not a turn on for you - I mean it's nice and comfy that he was waiting for you with open arms but - hmmm - really? He really waited knowing you were dating and romantically involved with someone else who ended up ending things first? I know you didn't cheat.  You didn't end things "for this guy".  As in the movie You've Got Mail (I think maybe 1993??) you had the "dream of someone else".  Can you imagine your boyfriend knowing that and taking you back AND being the sort of person with reasonable self esteem?  Sure he still loves you -but if he loved himself enough -would he have welcomed you back no questions asked after you made the choices you did. 

Something in you knows -forget about love languages - he's acting like a bit of a doormat.  He's settling for the leftover scraps you're tossing at him "OK honey I'm home now! I sowed my wild oats, it was fun, but the dude went back to his ex and yeah I missed you so it all worked out - let's get into our jammies and put on netflix k?"  And he said "k!" 

That's not a love language.  It's a Lame Language.  He's not expressing himself cause he's scared if he does you'll go poof again and disappear and look for greener grass whether the dude who didn't want to date you anymore or someone else.  He is holding his breath that you'll stick around and he doesn't know how to make things more exciting for you because he knows he's acting like a person who settles, someone who is weak and doesn't have self respect. 

But he hopes you'll accept that and love him like a doting puppy dog.  He likes the status quo as do you.  Nothing complicated to see here.  What's simple is - if you don't do specific work on yourself -not him -he did nothing wrong except love you for all those years - and come to a head and heart feeling very very soon -like in less than a month "I am reasonably sure and excited to be with this person.  I am done looking.  No one can turn my head ever because this is my person.  He is perfect for me despite being imperfect like me.  Even if the hottest guy with even better on paper stuff came along it wouldn't affect me because I am happy to be here.  Excited overall to be here." 

Anything less -bye bye.  Let him find someone who feels that way.  But don't "try" and don't indulge in being the therapist you're not or read complicated books. Keep it basic and simple and cut the cord for his sake (and yours) really soon.  Take it from someone who wasted years on doubts and on and off serious relationships with awesome guys who weren't awesome for me.  I almost missed my chance to be a mom (biologically) and almost missed my chance at true love and true commitment.  Don't do what I did.  JMHO.