Having mother issues and need advice

[jd1230]

Hello all. I’m currently away from home to get a few surgeries done for my eyes. I’m being forced to stay with my mother for 3 weeks, who I believe is a narcissist. 6 months ago I was diagnosed with BPD, a personality disorder. I did tell my mother this as soon as I was diagnosed, but she brushed it off and I rarely ever brought it up again and she never brought it up. My whole life was abuse and trauma. At the hands of both my parents. I am 24, female.


I feel uncomfortable staying here with my mother, but needed someone to come help me out while I get surgery. She’s been starting arguments, and going off the rails almost the entire time I have been here. I had to lock myself in the bedroom (bringing up feelings of when I was younger) to escape it. This morning, she was badgering me to go out and do something with her. Normally I would. But this entire trip has been really stressful and traumatizing to me. I tried to explain why, and explain that I have BPD, but she got defensive. I asked her if she even googled it or knows anything about it. She stopped talking and then immediately screamed saying no, googling illnesses is bad. I asked if she even knows what is stands for. She then came into the room screaming that I need to see a doctor and that she was calling one right now! I was speechless. Then she kept calling it BPI instead of BPD. She said that I was supposed to tell her about it and that I never want to speak with her about anything. She then insulted me, called me names and said I was crazy. She said I’m a miserable insane person and that I hate everyone. She then said that I have to move out of her home when we get back and left. 

Now she is googling it, saying that I do not have any BPD symptoms, and denying that she ever said any of the things she did before. Denying my reality. I am shaking as I write this.

I am so beside myself. I have no idea what to do. I made plans for myself before this trip to speak with a therapist when I get back. I am honestly scared of this woman and need some advice on how to handle 3 weeks of this. I’m debating if I should just leave.

[Batya33]

Why did you think it would be helpful to you to stay with your mother? I'm sorry you are in this situation.  Yes, I would leave.

[Blue_Skirt]

26 minutes ago, jd1230 said:

I’m being forced to stay with my mother for 3 weeks,

I don’t understand this, who forced you?

[jd1230]

To clear things up, I have to stay with her because nobody else could come with me to get the surgeries done, and my doctor said that I need someone with me  during surgeries and while I recover. She was the only one available, and I really need this done so I went with it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, jd1230 said:

I’m currently away from home to get a few surgeries done for my eyes. I’m being forced to stay with my mother for 3 weeks

 I had to lock myself in the bedroom (bringing up feelings of when I was younger) to escape it. 

Sorry this is happening. Do whatever it takes to get your eyes taken  care of.  Fortunately you moved out and no longer live there.

 She won't change so avoid her when possible. Try to reconnect to your friends other family and just avoid her as much as possible. 

 Keep your mind on healing and when you can leave. Even though you are no longer a defenseless child it's awkward and uncomfortable.

When you return home, make an appointment with your physician (not for ophthalmological follow-up) but for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Be sure to discuss the family history of mood disorders as that can run in families.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist to resolve unaddressed childhood fears and replace those with your own new healthy thoughts.

[melancholy123]

Is the surgery over?  Ay what point can you be on your own?  A hotel for the duration once you can be alone sounds better than being with her.

Yes find a therapist when you get home to help you work on your issues with your mother.

 

[Rose Mosse]

I’d go through with the surgery and leave soon after when you’re able to and have recovered.

Ignore and avoid her as much as possible. “Gray rock” her if you can. If she says something to you, smile and nod, agree with mundane and silly things that have no bearing on you. Don’t talk back to her or give her any reason to talk with you more or argue with you. Don’t explain your health diagnosis for BPD. Don’t expect her to understand. Don’t react to her accusations or her calling you crazy. Keep all of your personal life’s details to yourself including BPD. When you leave, thank her for her help and continue to heal at home. 

I also hope you have the support needed for BPD and are in touch with your healthcare providers. Take good care and please keep us updated.

[poorlittlefish]

You both have personality disorders.  You cannot get on with the behaviour that comes from narcissism and she cannot get on with yours.  Stay out of each other's way as much as is physically possible and leave the minute you are able.  

[smackie9]

For the love of god stop trying to reason with her or try to have her understand or expect any kind of sympathy. Just stop. You need to realize that you cannot have these things from your mother, like never ever. Once you get in touch with that reality, find acceptance, only then can you release yourself from the trauma.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[Jibralta]

On 3/5/2022 at 12:18 PM, jd1230 said:

She stopped talking and then immediately screamed saying no, googling illnesses is bad.... Then she kept calling it BPI instead of BPD.

Now she is googling it, saying that I do not have any BPD symptoms, and denying that she ever said any of the things she did before. Denying my reality. I am shaking as I write this.

Aw. I totally know what you are going through. My mom can be like this, too. I actually laughed at the absurdity of how your mom is behaving (especially the part about BPI and BPD), but I know that when it is happening it is traumatic. It reduces me to a quivering mass of jelly and I am 45 years old. But I don't have to live with my mom anymore, so now it's only an annoyance that I can usually avoid. 

You are really in a tough spot, being stuck there for three weeks. I urge you to leave, if you can. I agree with Poorlittlefish that your mom probably has a personality disorder as well (it could also be BPD). I think it's important for you to realize that she is limited in this way. I also think that therapy will help you. I have been out of my mom's house for a long time, but I still contend with the effects of having such an erratic parent--even after years of therapy. I myself plan to go back in the near future to do some mental maintenance and 'resetting.' It is helpful. In a way, it's like going to the gym to get back into shape.

In the meantime, take as much solace as you can in your locked room. Watch comedies. Watch self help videos. Do some journaling. Post here. Do what you need to do to cope. The serenity prayer is powerful. I am by no means a religious person, but there is a lot of truth in it, and a lot of release. 

[rchubn]

I have a similar relationship with my mother and I am also 24. I went through something similar at the beginning of COVID, my mother desperately wanted to me to move back home because of the pandemic even though I still had a lease. Her reasoning was that I could save money and be with family during that traumatic time. She cried and did every move possible to make sure I said yes even though I knew it would be a disaster but she insisted.. I fought her on it and eventually caved for the simple fact that I needed to save money and my mom was actually wanted to help me for once, the second week I moved in I instantly regretted it. She had managed to trigger every childhood trauma within 2 weeks and because I was already an adult she would threaten to kick me out knowing I had no where to go, I had no job, it was a pandemic and that I was basically homeless if I didn't comply with everything she said. I couldn't even pay for my own food. I was an absolute mess. So depressed. So stressed. 

 

Why does this matter? Because its important to understand that certain relationships have limitations. I now know I cannot live with my mother without her triggering my trauma. You know that you can't rely on your mother on to care for you because it causes conflict and triggers YOUR trauma. I know it sucks you can't rely on her without it turning toxic but its important to know your boundaries and protect your mental health. 

I would recommend asking a friend to help you or pull through it until you're recovered and accept the fact that next time, due to your relationship with your parents, you're going to have to avoid having them assist you because they can't care for you without triggering you

[rchubn]

1 minute ago, rchubn said:

I have a similar relationship with my mother and I am also 24. I went through something similar at the beginning of COVID, my mother desperately wanted to me to move back home because of the pandemic even though I still had a lease. Her reasoning was that I could save money and be with family during that traumatic time. She cried and did every move possible to make sure I said yes even though I knew it would be a disaster but she insisted.. I fought her on it and eventually caved for the simple fact that I needed to save money and my mom was actually wanted to help me for once, the second week I moved in I instantly regretted it. She had managed to trigger every childhood trauma within 2 weeks and because I was already an adult she would threaten to kick me out knowing I had no where to go, I had no job, it was a pandemic and that I was basically homeless if I didn't comply with everything she said. I couldn't even pay for my own food. I was an absolute mess. So depressed. So stressed. 

 

Why does this matter? Because its important to understand that certain relationships have limitations. I now know I cannot live with my mother without her triggering my trauma. You know that you can't rely on your mother on to care for you because it causes conflict and triggers YOUR trauma. I know it sucks you can't rely on her without it turning toxic but its important to know your boundaries and protect your mental health. 

I would recommend asking a friend to help you or pull through it until you're recovered and accept the fact that next time, due to your relationship with your parents, you're going to have to avoid having them assist you because they can't care for you without triggering you

Edit: Not only cant they care for you without triggering you but they're not willing to accept that you're triggered. They're not willing to consider your feelings or accept your feelings meaning they will never do the research and actions to comfort you.