young relationship- Lost my pants

[Yarmer]

Quick synopsis

Wife and I were dating 6 months before she got pregnant. We got married 5 months later and had our baby..9 months later.  We've been married about 2.5 years now and are just starting to have problems.

When we first met, things were on fire. We are both shy people but really thrived together. We were very intimate.  I couldn't keep her off me.  Even when she was pregnant, she loved sex even though it got awkward at times. (bump in the way)  

At my old job, I would leave super early in morning and return home super late and I was exhausted. I felt good though. I was busting my ass for my family and providing. Sex was still good.  BUT I wasn't helping a ton with the baby, but she was fine with it. She knew I was out working and she worked too.  We have tons of help from family but helping with childcare when we are working. 

She started a size business to make extra money, because she hated asking me for money. 

We never really fought and she would follow my lead. I was confident and knew what I was doing was for the good of the family.  

about 6 months ago I lost my job....and my confidence and her respect and the sex

I was working but not making the money I was and it stressed our relationship out.  She worked harder on her side business and I was with our child more (definitely a blessing in disguise)  Nevertheless, I was still the breadwinnner. 

My anxiety was awful. Could barely drive my car and be left alone. It was crippling me and I know for a fact had an effect on her.  Lots of overthinking and micromanaging finances. I would ask her questions like, "are you going to be able to buy groceries, with the amount of free spending your doing." would send us to to a whirlwind.  Arguing back and forth. Lots of insults. 

I realized I needed to get on my horse and start making *** happen. I started my own business and it was slow at first but now im in a good position. I started working out everyday. Huge positive effect on my self worth and confidence and anxiety. Really started on a positive trend with being a more spiritual positive person..but I talk to my wife and she still views me as a nobody.  I help with the kiddo 10x more and I make plenty of money.

 

Sex is a chore and Im rejected constantly. I flirt in kitchen. Kiss her neck and walk away. 

It just seems like shes stuck in this negative cycle. She doubts  our relationship and has been vocal about having trust issues with me. (I would watch porn and she thought of it as cheating)  We have trouble communicating in a healthy way. Our communication usually ends in an argument.  She doesn't listen to my suggestions anymore and she has gotten into this habit of telling me what to do.  

We went to counseling and I realized I needed to take charge more with our child and she just doubted me as trying to fix anything and would negative cycle to counselor.  The counselor would tell her stop! STOP!  and talk to her almost like putting her in her place. It was wild. I felt good after and knew what I needed to improve on. Just seemed like it didnt do anything for her..

I understand I was in a rut but I finally feel like I am on the other side, and now Im trying to get my pants back in a healthy way. 

I want a healthy happy, sex going relationship again. 

Any advice?

[Rose Mosse]

You don’t need pants in a relationship. Just genuine interest and care in one another. Who wears the pants, so to speak, in a relationship is about control. If that’s what you’re referring to, you are battling your ego and for control here. 

Listen to the marriage counsellor and if it’s not working separate and find a way to co-parent effectively without involving a battle of egos. 

Focus more on your child and revisit the issue of porn. If it’s not something your wife likes you’ll have to respect that. You both don’t sound compatible overall and it takes much more work for the both of you to see eye to eye. Whether love or passion is rekindled again is another matter. Focus more on respecting one another first.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Yarmer said:

I was working but not making the money I was and it stressed our relationship out.  She worked harder on her side business and I was with our child more

Work as many jobs as possible to restore things. Do A lot more around the house.

It's clear she resents you. That's the problem and at some level you know this.

 Flirting and working out won't fix this. You need marriage counseling, because the problem isn't a sexual problem, it's a marital problem.

[Batya33]

Would you have married her at that time were it not for the baby? Would you have married her at all do you think? I agree with Rose's input.  Is she getting enough rest?  That can really do a number on a person emotionally and hamper their ability to speak without arguing....

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, Yarmer said:

about 6 months ago I lost my job....and my confidence and her respect and the sex

So you didn't help much with chores or the baby for close to a year and a half?  You nit-picked at her with spending something on herself, regardless of all the hard work she's been doing.

Sorry buddy, it takes more than to get a marriage back on track.  It takes more than just groping her in passing.  Plan dates (real ones) with reservations.  Plan playdates with the other moms/dads.   Plan fun things to do with the family; zoo, museum, craft event at the library, hiking with a baby carrier or stroller.

You realize it's not about money - it's about respect and being a true partner in taking care of things and your kid together.  Not a one-sided lump you thought was totally cool by her.

Telling her she sucks for not putting out so easy is not going to work in your favor.

[SooSad33]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Would you have married her at that time were it not for the baby? Would you have married her at all do you think? I agree with Rose's input.  Is she getting enough rest?  That can really do a number on a person emotionally and hamper their ability to speak without arguing....

Yes, this.....

And if things went south due to your job loss, in my opinion, if it is 'true love', your partner should not shun you over money.. Although, I do agree some cash does help & lessen 'stress' a little.

A successful relationship takes work, always.  And was good you picked up the slack more , so shows you're trying.  I'm still stumped on why she turned so negative towards you.

But, also as mentioned, try to more 'date nights', just you and her.  And give it a little more time, to see IF she changes her thoughts/behaviour with you.

I'd suggest, if she continues on for another 6 months this way, then maybe it's not fixable, as you don't want to live a life as miserable 😕 .

As for porn, that is not cheating.  Millions watch that stuff.  Cheating is actually getting involved with someone for real in one way or another whether it be emotionally or physically. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont really think its even fixable situation. I mean OK if you are both willing to work on it. But is she? When they lose respect that is hard to get back. I mean sure, you can try being more helpful as you should, baby is 2 years old by the timeline you said, it still needs plenty of work around it, let alone hoe and everything. Just dont think you would get what you want there. She seems resentful. Whether its because of something you do or dont, or maybe about money issues. That wont be fixed that easily if you are not both willing to do the work. But OK, marriage counseling maybe helps in that front. Though, I would be preparing for worst option. Because you both dont seem happy in marriage. 

[Yarmer]

Thank you all for replying.  Lot's to think about. 

She is going to Colorado with one of her best friends and I have the toddler for 4 days. I think this is going to be great for her and me as well. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Yarmer said:

Thank you all for replying.  Lot's to think about. 

She is going to Colorado with one of her best friends and I have the toddler for 4 days. I think this is going to be great for her and me as well. 

Yes.  It’s a start. But more like a bandaid. Figure out an ongoing balance and division of responsibilities or outsourcing that works better for her. Good luck. 

[WildPump]

The way you mentioned she hates you more than anything now and threapy can only help so much. I suggest be ready for the worst part. Focus on your business as you said you make good money now. Give time to your child as well. Don't push too much and don't make it about sex only. Take small steps to reach her see if she understands. Otherwise see how long you can carry like this.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, WildPump said:

The way you mentioned she hates you more than anything now and threapy can only help so much. I suggest be ready for the worst part. Focus on your business as you said you make good money now. Give time to your child as well. Don't push too much and don't make it about sex only. Take small steps to reach her see if she understands. Otherwise see how long you can carry like this.

So in my experience as a parent (and former educator of young kids), often parents sacrifice making "more money" given the timing and responsibilities of child care.  Certainly financial stability is important but many parents cannot take the higher paying job because it will cut down significantly on family time/child care time, or because then they'd pay so much more for child care it wouldn't be worth it. 

It's not about "give time to your child as well" -the child is not an afterthought nor can you just "give time" to a child.  Example.  I really wanted to sip coffee and eat breakfast for 5 minutes this morning.  But my son wanted to chat (about Wordle lol and other stuff) and he said to me when I said "I just need a minute" "But I just want to talk to you!".  He's right.  He came first, coffee second (or third or fourth). 

It wasn't the time to assert boundaries for "me time". 

Likewise when I returned to outside work I took a huge paycut so that I would be part time, could telework a lot (pre covid), and wouldn't have to do more than one-two days a week of after school.  My husband does work far more than full time but between the two of us we now have the equivalent of two "normal" full time jobs.  I could have made a whole lot more money but it was far far more important for me to be there for our son especially given my husband's job and business travel.  And no family where we live. 

You can't just "give time" to a child the way you might "give time" to exercising.  To me there's really no such thing as "quality time" - kids are individuals and when they are young they don't want to have to perform on command "ok now it's time for quality time and we're going to kick a soccer ball around from 4:30-5:15!" 

It may work or it may be that at 8pm bedtime your child suddenly wants to chat about his day and his musings and his existential questions that he didn't care to discuss when it was time for "quality time" and if you have a job that requires you to be on call evenings and let's say you planned a call for 8:30pm after his "bed time" you'll have to say no to his longer chat. 

But if you can make a little less and have more flexibility, chances are you can be there for your child when he needs you not when you can "give time."

[Kwothe28]

Wanted to also add something I forgot. Dunno how it is in USA, but here in Eastern Europe lots of marriages are like yours. For example, they date for months or even years and if girl becomes pregnant then they decide on wedding. In a situations like that sometimes you dont know the other half until you are already well within marriage and with the kid. So, unsuprisingly, divorce rate is also high(though I think for example Western Europe has the same issue with divorce percentage now). Because if they continued to date, lots of those divorces would probably break up down the line and simply not result in marriage. But with the baby they are kinda forced to "make it or break it". And in most cases, its sadly the other. It requires a lot of adaptation and kid changes a lot of stuff and whole dynamic. So if both dont adapt properly, sadly it doesnt work. My sister was in the same situation(they dated for few months before she was pregnant) but she has very stable marriage. Financially and in every other way. Even her mother and father in law adore her. And they both work nice jobs so they can even afford babysitter to take care of baby while they work. But again, lots of couples just cant do that. Big arguments, issues like money or even cheating, its all part of the problem. Sorry you and your lady got into that kind of troubles and hoping you can tell us maybe better news after a while.

[catfeeder]

You'll need to win back her heart and mind before your can win back her body.

What, exactly, do you believe are your wife's complaints with you?

If those are limited to the porn, would you be willing to give up the porn?

What else is upsetting her, and what are you willing to do to address those things?