Walking My Path Alone Now... And Feeling Hopeful :-)

[spinstermanquee]

Hi eNotaloners!  I've been a lurker on these forums for a long time with few posts, but I've enjoyed you all and especially the super posters that just seem to have a natural handle on relationships and boundaries (one of my personal issues).  I cut a LOT of fat out of this so it wouldn't be 5 pages, so please excuse the gaps about other important things like love, sex, children, etc.  I had to skinny it up to the beginning of the end.  But it WAS good in the beginning.

Have been married 25 years now, known each other 39.  We were always very independent and not up in each other's grills from the beginning.  He quit working around 7 years ago, which created some issues, so I shuttered my business and went back to work for another company.

We bought our first home together in 2000.  He wanted it so badly, I consented with the explicit agreement that the next house choice would be more bilateral.  Q3 last year we sold our home.  He took the proceeds and bought another home in a remote area without honoring his promise.  I started to think about how big that was and what it meant to me and my needs for proximity to airports, health care, self care, etc.

I helped him move the household in between work trips to the new house even though I didn't' want to live there (first mistake?)  I tried to get excited about moving there but i just couldn't muster it.  It was too far from other stuff.  He was also in a very stressed and hostile mood for most of the time, not being Mr. Change Guy.

There are some (my) family gift real estate and investment stories and pandemic landlord/tenant fears that don't belong here so suffice it to say that I posted up in one of "our" units 2 hours away from the new house for a while to figure out what *I* wanted.  It turned out to be a great way to breathe and think outside the marriage.

The new house sits on a parcel of land and can accommodate a large workshop that is many a person's dream.  Great, LOVE it!  However, since he doesn't quite grasp finance/banking/real estate, he had some episodes where he was trying to figure out his building budget and during that period he verbally abused me and accused me of stealing the house money, when he just didn't understand real estate closing statement fees, banking fees, etc. and made a mess of my bank accounts.

My heart broke in a million pieces.  I would never steal or subvert monies from our family.  It was the absolute last straw.  Yes, I understand he felt vulnerable.  But to turn that vulnerability into soul-crushing anger/hatred against your love partner of so many years, I finally had enough.  All those little hostilities over the years that predict a couple's likelihood of divorce just burst through the veil of my denial and announced to me that I better take care of myself because this person consistently puts their needs before mine and will not change.

After that, I wrote him a letter and enclosed the keys and remotes to his house.  I explained that he chose his path and now I was choosing mine.  I tried to be kind yet communicate finance and romance were now off the table.  I didn't use the D word because I wanted to see if he would fight for me.  He didn't.

My next trip to visit, I scheduled some banking appointments.  I put ALL the house monies into his bank account, took my name off his accounts, and took his name off my bank accounts.

The following trip, I told him I am ready to walk my path alone.  He still doesn't understand what happened.  I asked him if he expected any property, money, or alimony in the divorce and he started to cry.  He said "I can't believe you would ask me that after all this time."  WHOA.  I let him go in his office for a while, then I followed him and low voice, super-gently asked, "How does it feel to be on the receiving end of that?"  No revenge, just another indication of how much we are done.  He didn't get it.

Now, for the grand finale! Some days, I am bursting with possibility and I feel young again!  Never thought I would wind up single at my age.  I used to think it was pathetic, but now I'm okay with it... and I'm not angry, just grateful that the universe finally granted me the courage to walk my path alone.  I pray for all of us in this situation and hope we can find our peace.  I am currently just trying to engage in self-healing and loving things, be kind to myself and others, and be open.

I am now free to explore my spirituality, find my space as a person who wants to make a difference and leave the world a better place.  I have found that the more I put out into the universe, the more I get back.  Conversely, the more I put into that old relationship, I didn't get back... so I guess that is key! 

Love you all, thanks for listening.  Fingers crossed and love sent out into eNotalone 🙂

[boltnrun]

You seem to be in a very good, positive mind space. Good for you. You will do fine and will probably even flourish.

It is nice to be able to do your own thing. I've been divorced since 2000 and really enjoy my autonomy.

Do you have any children? 

[spinstermanquee]

Yes, one, she is 32 now

[East4]

It seems that this divorce has been du for a long time. The house thing was just the last straw. Your (ex) husbands seems emotionally abusive, blaming you for his own lack of forethought (underestimation of bank and administrative fees). He has turned into an old, selfish and abusive man. The accusation that you were stealing money, is outrageous. Kudos for the courage to end it and live your golden years as you see fit, without the drag of this selfish, immature man. He only thinks about himsemf, bought a house even without consulting you, but did not hesitate to use your money to finance his own project.

I guess the writing was on the wall for the deteriorisaton of the marriage, and you finally got the strength to pull the plug.

If I may give a small advice: do not let sentimentality, his complaints and tears, detter you from claiming your fair share of assets in the divorce. Stand up for what is yours, do not feel guilty to take with you what you worked for in this marriage for many years. Why did you put all the money from the house in his name? I do not understand that, unless this is your overreaction to show him that you are not a thief. To me this dramatic gesture was unnecessary and rather expensive. 🙂

Good luck.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Yes, one, she is 32 now

Are you legally divorced yet? It's best to consult an attorney rather than discuss alimony or real estate in an off the cuff way.

[Batya33]

Thanks for sharing -and why are you alone? Because you're not married? Because you don't have a romantic partner? Do you have friends, family, etc? You have a daughter - are you two in touch, close? I got married at 42.  I wasn't alone before that despite being single for almost all of that time (meaning other than when I was engaged - when I was exclusive with someone I had a partner but I was still "single" despite not dating anyone else).

[spinstermanquee]

Thank you for the encouragement and advice.  East4 great assessment.  I didn't want my post to become a catalog of injuries and broken promises with me as the star victim.  Once I realized he prized money more than our marriage, I basically bought my freedom and his compliance. 

Wiseman2 and East4, that is good advice for someone in a couple whose assets are all commingled.  Since I was the one with the income and the credit, he could only buy a house with cash.  The rest is in my name.  I find this a fair split and he agreed to sign off on things as they are.  I'm not going to fight for a bigger slice of the pie, because as in ALL the contested divorces I've seen, only the lawyers win.

[spinstermanquee]

Oh Batya, I didn't mean ALONE like woe is me!  I just meant walk my path without him.  My family consists of several long term (30+ years) friends and I have been making new ones, slowly and carefully, in my new town.  I've been visiting my aging father one weekend per month.  Having a romantic partner is the last thing on my mind right now, I would be doing us both a disservice.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, spinstermanquee said:

I was the one with the income and the credit, he could only buy a house with cash. I find this a fair split and he agreed to sign off on things as they are.

That's fine, you don't need a long drawn out battle, however marriage is a legal contract that must be dissolved by the courts. So you still need to get divorced.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Oh Batya, I didn't mean ALONE like woe is me!  I just meant walk my path without him.  My family consists of several long term (30+ years) friends and I have been making new ones, slowly and carefully, in my new town.  I've been visiting my aging father one weekend per month.  Having a romantic partner is the last thing on my mind right now, I would be doing us both a disservice.

Perfect -so you're not walking any path alone -that's why I asked -why does "without him" mean "alone"  - my sister is 60 and happily divorced and single for many years - not alone by any means -similar to your situation . Good for you that you've found what works for you!

[catfeeder]

Ah! Owning the word 'spinster,' sister?

You warm my heart.

Your story is inspiring, and I can appreciate the care you've used to frame it as one of growth rather than victimization.

One of my friends and I have an ongoing debate on using the word 'betrayal' to describe the lens through which we view disloyalty. While I feel liberated by dropping the word from my private story, she holds the word firmly and even sneers while using it.

My goal is to not only mitigate damage to myself but actually reverse it into a triumph in lessons learned. I feel more confident in my future and my own judgment when, rather than viewing myself as happlessly betrayed by someone I trusted, I can instead recognize the instances where I opted to ignore the flashing neon signs of another's limits or their standards of loyalty not living up to mine along the way.

This isn't about blame. It's about learning. I don't claim that there are no villains in the world. I just accept that it took t.i.m.e. for me to learn what I must do with the dissonance when someone's decisions or behaviors didn't match up with MY internal agenda FOR them. 

Of course, I wish that I could have acted in my own best interests sooner rather than later, BUT! I'd rather credit myself for acting--at all--and move my focus forward and upward.

it sounds to me as though you've made the same decision.

Head high, and congrAts!

[spinstermanquee]

Breakthrough moment, feeling proud.  Had to call STBEH (soon to be ex husband) for some housekeeping stuff and while I was speaking to him, he put me on his cellphone speaker (he was hanging curtains in his new house).  For some reason speakerphone from his cell makes feedback in my headset (one begins speaking and by the third word one is hearing reverbs of the beginning of the sentence, cue brain explosion - for me anyways).

I asked him to please take me off speaker because I'm hearing feedback, and i hear a "tsk" and breath expulsion irritated sound (I don't know the onomatopoeia for "what evs, fu").  So I said in a cheerful voice, "You don't have to honor my request but I also don't have to keep talking to you when I cannot properly hear or process the conversation."  I proceeded to wish him a good night and hung up post haste.

Perhaps this sounds petty, but if you look at one of my REALLY old posts about trying to claim some quiet office space of my own in our home, you might deduce that this is some old selfish behavior that has not ceased.

So I am feelin' pretty good about claiming my respect.  He was trying to control me and I blocked him.