I am in a Toxic marriage with a dim future

[India198]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Because you side with them against her.

If your parents move near you again it will be just as horrible as when you lived with them.

You and they will gang up on her, treat her as an outcast and criticize everything about her.

You're not a good husband. You're a son who still has the umbilical cord attached.

The few times you acted like a married couple, you were happy.

Then you and your family gang up on her again and start making demands.

Get divorced. You're both miserable. Let your sister take care of your parents in their old age. 

I feel you are quick to judge the whole situation  

I do support my wife and do take her side, however at times when she behaves erratically and as a stranger then how does one support the wrong? All I want of her is to behave in a civilised manner and respect when parents are around. 

However, that too turns out to be a mess and situation goes out of hand. 

[Spawn]

if you live separately then don't get them involved in your marital issues nor their issues should be part of your life. i can understand medical emergencies and family get togethers are something you need to manage. You and your wife need not share or expect them to get involved or be giving opinions about you or wife, sharing a lot of what happens in your marital lives will result in them making all kind of opinions about your marriage and wife. 

[Tinydance]

10 hours ago, India198 said:

It was a modern arranged marriage where by her parents came across a matrimonial advertisement my father had put in the local newspaper. Both our fathers clicked over the phone and rest is history. I travelled to India with my father and we met up her family. At the time she was happy with the arrangement and say 'Yes' to go ahead with the marriage. I got to spend a week and a half with her while I was in India and then for the next 6 months chatted with her over the phone before our actual marriage. During the 6 months over phone and SMS's I figured out she loved her social life and enjoyed going out with friends perhaps every second weekend. 

Since moving to UK, I did notice she felt alot trapped in the family and bursting to make new friends. However, she never made any efforts in getting to know my family more. Initially we were a joint family for few months before moving out but once we moved out she never hardly wanted to make any effort towards coming closer to my family. 

Honestly speaking with so much happening, I have mixed feelings towards her. I love my family and feel a sense of responsibility towards them. But at the same time I am upset that my wife doesn't feel part of the family. It makes me frustrating when she gels so well with her friends, family and relatives. However when it comes to my family her behaviour is very different. 

I grew up in India and lived there till I was 16 before moving to UK. I was always brought up to adhere family values and love one another. And my wife coming from similar background makes me wonder why she ended up so negative about my family? 

I sort of get the impression maybe you don't like it that your wife is so social and goes out with friends a lot? Well, this is actually who she is, this is her personality. You said even when you just met her and you were talking to her on the phone, you knew she was really social and went out a lot. She can't really just change her personality and become a homebody stay at home girl who's just at home with you and your family.

She gels with her friends so well because she CHOSE them. She chose to be friends with them and presumably she's friends with people she naturally clicks with. She agreed to have you as her husband, she picked you. So she obviously did have feelings for you, but that doesn't mean that magically she would just click with all members of your family. I doubt that this ever really happens in marriages. I think most people act friendly and respectful towards their in-laws but they're not necessarily best friends with them.

What is required of your wife is politeness towards your family. To be nice at family events. Other than that I don't think you can actually force her, nor she can force herself to just feel this connection and "gel" with your family. That's something that comes naturally and is either there or not. And obviously in this case it's just not there.

If you're not happy with your wife then divorce probably is an option? Then maybe you could join various parts of the local Indian community and start meeting women there. If you prefer a certain type of woman, e.g. less outgoing and more family oriented, then maybe try to look for someone like that. Your wife is a grown woman with her own personality and a person can't just change themselves.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, India198 said:

She never conforms to which one she'd prefer? She has always told me, if I am not happy then go for divorce but I feel she thinks I will never go for it.

Well, what does that tell you? You're NOT happy, so...

...at the very least, separate. 

[India198]

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She gels with her friends so well because she CHOSE them. She chose to be friends with them and presumably she's friends with people she naturally clicks with. She agreed to have you as her husband, she picked you. So she obviously did have feelings for you, but that doesn't mean that magically she would just click with all members of your family. I doubt that this ever really happens in marriages. I think most people act friendly and respectful towards their in-laws but they're not necessarily best friends with them.

Honestly speaking I use to get bothered in the beginning as to why my wife would connect so well with her friends as appose to my family. I could never understand why she would trust new friends over my family? I tried understanding and talking to her about it and her response would be she didn't feel they gave her enough attention for her to gauge back at them. However I am all comfortable with her being outgoing and meeting new people. 

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What is required of your wife is politeness towards your family. To be nice at family events. Other than that I don't think you can actually force her, nor she can force herself to just feel this connection and "gel" with your family. That's something that comes naturally and is either there or not. And obviously in this case it's just not there.

No honestly I don't want my wife to start loving my family. However, atleast make a formal effort to be civil and interact. We are well aware my wife doesn't have the feeling from within to be part of the whole family. This hurts me as I feel my family being non traditional and quite open minded have always given her that space but she feels that space is non existent 🤷‍♂️
 

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If you're not happy with your wife then divorce probably is an option? Then maybe you could join various parts of the local Indian community and start meeting women there. If you prefer a certain type of woman, e.g. less outgoing and more family oriented, then maybe try to look for someone like that. Your wife is a grown woman with her own personality and a person can't just change themselves.

I guess divorce would be the exit strategy but I feel there is something between us that has kept our marriage going for 7 years 🤔

[junebug123]

5 hours ago, India198 said:

Honestly speaking I use to get bothered in the beginning as to why my wife would connect so well with her friends as appose to my family. I could never understand why she would trust new friends over my family? I tried understanding and talking to her about it and her response would be she didn't feel they gave her enough attention for her to gauge back at them. However I am all comfortable with her being outgoing and meeting new people. 

No honestly I don't want my wife to start loving my family. However, atleast make a formal effort to be civil and interact. We are well aware my wife doesn't have the feeling from within to be part of the whole family. This hurts me as I feel my family being non traditional and quite open minded have always given her that space but she feels that space is non existent 🤷‍♂️
 

I guess divorce would be the exit strategy but I feel there is something between us that has kept our marriage going for 7 years 🤔

I feel like wisemen said it best. You are choosing your family over your wife. This is causing friction in the relationship.

I can’t tell you the amount of family sitcoms that center around this issue. Mom or dad adding input to the relationship from outside causing stress on it.

Even in my parents marriage my step father always choose my moms side over his family’s. Of course they had kids and it made it easier for him to do so.

My sister also chooses her husbands side even thou my family mostly doesn’t approve of him. Life is too short to waste, you should support your wife if you want to be with her and your family shouldn’t be so selfish to keep putting you in the middle as well.

[India198]

15 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I feel like wisemen said it best. You are choosing your family over your wife. This is causing friction in the relationship.

I can’t tell you the amount of family sitcoms that center around this issue. Mom or dad adding input to the relationship from outside causing stress on it.

Even in my parents marriage my step father always choose my moms side over his family’s. Of course they had kids and it made it easier for him to do so.

My sister also chooses her husbands side even thou my family mostly doesn’t approve of him. Life is too short to waste, you should support your wife if you want to be with her and your family shouldn’t be so selfish to keep putting you in the middle as well.

Totally understand what you are saying, however how do you support a person when they are actually in the wrong and hurting your family? 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, India198 said:

how do you support a person when they are actually in the wrong and hurting your family? 

You and your family perpetually think she is "in the wrong", that's the problem.

Why is your family pressuring you about her this much? Aren't they the ones who arranged this marriage? 

[Rose Mosse]

On 1/17/2022 at 1:57 AM, India198 said:

I feel you are quick to judge the whole situation  

I do support my wife and do take her side, however at times when she behaves erratically and as a stranger then how does one support the wrong? All I want of her is to behave in a civilised manner and respect when parents are around. 

However, that too turns out to be a mess and situation goes out of hand. 

That’s quite disrespectful on both sides. Deeming her erratic and “wrong” is divisive. 

Remain neutral if you’d like to put out fires instead of taking sides. Validate your wife’s feelings and be prepared to create better boundaries. This means involving your family less in your marriage. 

It’s time to mature and grow into your relationship. You’re no longer just a son and brother. You’re also a husband. 

I suggest you think hard about divorce. It’s not a word to throw around like a threat around your wife or your family for example. It’s passive aggressive and again creates divisions or will cause others to walk on eggshells. Distrust breeds resentments so deep you may never come back from it in your marriage. Your issues with your wife are exclusively your responsibility and have nothing to do with your parents or sister. 

Should you decide to go down the divorce route, speak with a lawyer and end this misery. 

[India198]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You and your family perpetually think she is "in the wrong", that's the problem.

Why is your family pressuring you about her this much? Aren't they the ones who arranged this marriage? 

They are not trust me  

Why do I feel you seem to think I or my family are against my wife? She has her independence, finances, a well paid job, health etc..... my family or I for that fact don't stop her from doing what she want. 

Both me and my wife come from a good family background, but why is it that she feels trapped? Her parents didn't force her into this marriage. 

All I have wanted in the marriage from her is to respect my family and be nice to them. My family is self sufficient and don't require any financial help from either of us. My wife doesn't have any responsibility of taking care of them. 

Is this too much to ask of my wife?

PS: Are you judging my situation as a typical indian arrangement marriage? 

[junebug123]

On 1/18/2022 at 11:45 AM, India198 said:

All I have wanted in the marriage from her is to respect my family and be nice to them. My family is self sufficient and don't require any financial help from either of us. My wife doesn't have any responsibility of taking care of them. 

There was a time when my father had remarried. His wife at the time was extremely jealous of his past relationship to my sister and I. This caused a lot of tension and of course my father didn’t want to disown his own kids.

At the end of the day he choose his wife over us. No one really blamed him for doing so, in fact as we got older we realized that he just wanted what was best for him and his future.

When you talk about wanting your wife to respect your family, it’s like I’m having trouble understanding why? Why are you putting them before her? What is it about them, that they have this hold over you and your current affairs. 

To be honest, I find this bizarre. I feel confused even now as I am rereading this thread over and over, trying to understand how we got to this point. What will happen if you leave this women to find another, might your  family find fault with her as well?

This whole situation seems like a nightmare to me. To be honest I feel like your family is worried that your wife will steal you away from them.

In an ideal world we would of course want that our partner would be inclined to help us and support our family together. And maybe as time goes on and your family become vulnerable your wife will change her tune. 

However, it seems like you need to allow her to make that decision. And when you are giving someone an ultimatum, it will naturally cause the person to be defensive.

Im sure that if the roles were reversed, would you want your wife to side with you? If your family truly loves you, they won’t force you to choose. I’m sorry that it has come to this.

[Tinydance]

I'm just wondering, could you give some examples of how your wife has been rude towards your family? I think there's a difference between someone actually being rude and someone just not being "into" your family. If she's not trying to be super friendly to them and wanting to hang out a lot with them, that's her choice. I don't understand why you're so surprised that she gels better with her friends - of course she does. Her friends are probably her age and people she has things in common with. People are usually friends with people they just naturally click with so that's why she connects well with them. 

I don't think it's fair to expect all this from your wife. You seem very fixated that she has to be best friends with your family. Especially as you've been living in the UK for so long so I thought maybe you wouldn't be as traditional anymore. The important thing required of your wife is to make YOU happy and put effort into YOUR relationship. As long as she's just polite to your family that should be good enough.

Are you looking for excuses to get out of your marriage?

[India198]

7 hours ago, junebug123 said:

There was a time when my father had remarried. His wife at the time was extremely jealous of his past relationship to my sister and I. This caused a lot of tension and of course my father didn’t want to disown his own kids.

At the end of the day he choose his wife over us. No one really blamed him for doing so, in fact as we got older we realized that he just wanted what was best for him and his future.

When you talk about wanting your wife to respect your family, it’s like I’m having trouble understanding why? Why are you putting them before her? What is it about them, that they have this hold over you and your current affairs. 

To be honest, I find this bizarre. I feel confused even now as I am rereading this thread over and over, trying to understand how we got to this point. What will happen if you leave this women to find another, might your  family find fault with her as well?

This whole situation seems like a nightmare to me. To be honest I feel like your family is worried that your wife will steal you away from them.

In an ideal world we would of course want that our partner would be inclined to help us and support our family together. And maybe as time goes on and your family become vulnerable your wife will change her tune. 

However, it seems like you need to allow her to make that decision. And when you are giving someone an ultimatum, it will naturally cause the person to be defensive.

Im sure that if the roles were reversed, would you want your wife to side with you? If your family truly loves you, they won’t force you to choose. I’m sorry that it has come to this.

Thank you junebug123 for your time and reply. 

Interesting to learn about your father's remarriage 🤔 Can I ask because he choose his second wife over his kids did he stop having relationship with you? Why do you think your step mother was jealous over you and your sister? 

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When you talk about wanting your wife to respect your family, it’s like I’m having trouble understanding why? Why are you putting them before her? What is it about them, that they have this hold over you and your current affairs. 

Is the above alot to ask? I equally respect her parents then why would she not do the same if she valued our marriage? 

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To be honest, I find this bizarre. I feel confused even now as I am rereading this thread over and over, trying to understand how we got to this point. What will happen if you leave this women to find another, might your  family find fault with her as well?

I don't understand why my family is coming across as if they are fault finding in my wife? Can you please explain what context in the threads makes you feel that way? 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/18/2022 at 11:45 AM, India198 said:

All I have wanted in the marriage from her is to respect my family and be nice to them. 

What exactly does that entail for them and you?  You're too vague about what nice and respect means to you and them.

Do you mean host them, serve them, kowtow to them?

In their and your eyes, how, exactly, is she mean or disrespectful? 

As long as you take a "my parents and I think" stance against her, you'll have marriage problems.

 

[junebug123]

On 1/14/2022 at 5:47 AM, India198 said:

My parents have always tried to make her feel like their own daughter but because my sister exists, she has never been able to overcome her existence? I am stuck in the middle trying to create a harmony between both the parties but so far been failing. The issues we had in the first year of our marriage has always lingered been us no matter how hard I try to resolve it. 

Here you admit because your sister exists. Almost to imply there was some sort of situation with your wife and your sister, that you didn’t get into too much detail about.

 

On 1/16/2022 at 7:51 PM, India198 said:

She never gelled in well with my father, as he is somewhat mildly orthodox in nature and always stresses about ethical and family values. She has never in 7 years made any of us feel that she poses family values.

Later on you say that she didn’t get along with your father and then further admit that his sort of orthodox and stresses about ethical and family issues. (I could already see the discussions that come about when it making decisions about raising kids etc, etc).

 

On 1/16/2022 at 8:25 PM, India198 said:

However, she never made any efforts in getting to know my family more. Initially we were a joint family for few months before moving out but once we moved out she never hardly wanted to make any effort towards coming closer to my family. 

Once again, you say she never made efforts towards coming closer to your family once you guys moved out. Well, I could see why just from the small snippets you shared.

 

As for my father and my relationship. When we were younger, my step mother tolerated it since she sort of took us on like her own family. But as she had her own family, then she wanted my family to be more invested in raising them.

Also, there were some issues with money particularly when it came to my sister asking him for it. So we grew apart as we got older but he would still find time to come see us, just he wouldn’t bring his wife around. 

I think she and my sister finally made up thou, with time and maturity on both ends. There was also the worry of the influence we would have on her kids. 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/16/2022 at 7:51 PM, India198 said:

She has never in 7 years made any of us feel that she poses family values.

This is the main problem. You and your family ganging up on her.

[Andrina]

On 1/16/2022 at 7:51 PM, India198 said:

She never gelled in well with my father, as he is somewhat mildly orthodox in nature and always stresses about ethical and family values. She has never in 7 years made any of us feel that she poses family values.

What exactly does this mean? Can you be concrete in examples of what is said and what the expectations are? What family values do you speak of? How often are family gatherings and where do they take place? What is expected of her during the gatherings that you and your parents feel is lacking?

I don't see why you criticize her concerns of when finances fluctuate. It's better than spending money frivolously. If you don't give your parents money and that's not what she's complaining about, I don't understand what concerns you about pinching pennies. Why would she be selfish about her own well-being? Doesn't any smart person have that as a goal? You need to be more clear about your explanations. Your descriptions are too vague.

[India198]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the main problem. You and your family ganging up on her.

How exactly? Do you care to explain?

[India198]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

What exactly does this mean? Can you be concrete in examples of what is said and what the expectations are? What family values do you speak of? How often are family gatherings and where do they take place? What is expected of her during the gatherings that you and your parents feel is lacking?

I have already mentioned about it here

 

[India198]

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Are you looking for excuses to get out of your marriage?

No I am not and on the other hand finding reasons to stay in the marriage. 

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I don't understand why you're so surprised that she gels better with her friends - of course she does. Her friends are probably her age and people she has things in common with. People are usually friends with people they just naturally click with so that's why she connects well with them. 

Trust me I am not and it is obvious to understand why she gels with her friends for the very reason you mentioned above. 
 

[boltnrun]

What specifically does your wife do that you and your parents find offensive or upsetting?