Marriage Advice

[TopsyKrets31]

Hello, 👋 

I’m married with 3 kids and I found out this past July that my wife has been having an affair with her boss for at least two months. We’ve been together for over 10 years and married for 5 years. When I found out my initial reaction was to forgive her and fix our marriage with Marriage counseling. Unfortunately it wasn’t that easy and I continued to dwell on her actions. She quit her job and we started marriage counseling. Two weeks into counseling I caught her still talking to the guy which caused more damage and created more trust issues. My wife told me she would cut all ties with him and begged me to forgive her again. A few times she didn’t even come home and told me she slept in her car because she was sad. Obviously this was more lies.

 

I agreed and tried to forgive her again but after it happened a second time I continued to dwell and felt like I couldn’t trust her anymore. I would Check her phone (never did that prior to cheating), worry when she would leave the house. It just felt really unhealthy for us and the kids so I decided to move out. I’ve been moved out for over two month now and still stay in contact with my wife for our kids. She now hangs out with her old boss and posts pictures with him on social media. She tells me they are just friends and begs me to come home. She calls me crying almost every night and tells me that she knows she made a huge mistake and hates herself for cheating. She also promises me she will end all communication with him if I come back. I do miss her and our life but it kills me that she even still communicates with the man that helped ruin our family. I believe she is keeping him around as a safety net because she can’t pay her bills now that I left. I thought I knew this person but still to this day I’m discovering more lies. 😞 I recently discovered that my mother in law helped cover up her cheating while we were together.
 

Do you think my marriage is still salvageable? How do you rebuild trust when so much damage has been done? 😞

[Batya33]

Really only you can answer this.  I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  My general thoughts are it takes two to work on a relationship. I don't think she has shown she's up for that despite all her "words".  I'm sorry.

[gamon]

You never should have moved out.

Move back in immediately.

 

[boltnrun]

You can't salvage a marriage by yourself. Your wife has to not only say the right things but do them too. Right now she isn't doing that.

If you return and pay all the bills she will be even more free to continue the affair because she would be able to afford to do so.

Does the marriage counselor approve of her continuing the affair? Or is your wife lying to the counselor?

You don't trust your wife because she isn't behaving in a trustworthy manner.

I would prepare as though a divorce is going to happen. Consult an attorney regarding custody, child support and spousal support. Change your beneficiary accounts so your kids benefit directly, not your wife. That includes life insurance and pension accounts. 

Then explain to your wife that unless and until she cuts off ALL contact with her affair you will be filing for divorce. Period.

I'm sorry this happened.

[SherrySher]

No, definitely not salvageable. I'm so sorry. 

It's not one issue you're facing here, it's several.

You are also dealing with a partner who is being manipulative, deceptive, dishonest, and unwilling to change.

She has also brought other people into her web of lies and they are also willing to lie to you.

This man who she is involved with, she doesn't want to let go...no matter how small of a tie he has to her, she refuses to sever ties. She doesn't want to.

She wants him in her life, and she wants you in her life and wants both of you to be okay with it.

Obviously both of you are going to be upset and uncomfortable with that, so she will continue to lie to you, and probably him too.

The fact that she recruited her own mother to hide the truth from you and continue to lies, just proves how toxic and destructive this entire thing has become, and there is no repairing anything anymore.

You are willing to repair, she however, is not...no matter how much she lies to you, manipulates you with words and tears, and no matter what she says to you.

She sees little wrong in what she's done, and she absolutely will continue to lie to you in order to get her own way.

You can't fix that, and she doesn't want to fix that.

The best you can do right now is to contact a lawyer, start divorce proceedings, as well as contact a therapist, who can help you through this emotional turmoil of losing a marriage.

You can get through this, many of us have. You just have to remain strong, keep moving forward.

[SherrySher]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Then explain to your wife that unless and until she cuts off ALL contact with her affair you will be filing for divorce. Period.

I definitely agree, but at this point, I can see her lying some more in order to do as she still wants to.

This lady won't ever be honest at this point, and has become totally toxic.

She may tell him she cut him off for good, but will only hide her connections with him even more so it's harder to find out.

She has proven over and over that she cannot be trusted.

[Coily]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. Right now you need to focus on being the best father of your children possible, the marriage is dead.

That said, you need to start building a case to get maximum custody of your children after the divorce. As uncomfortable as it may be consider moving back in for their sake, her opinion is irrelevant. Sleep in a different room, focus on your kids and their needs. Pay all the housing a food bills, but start separating other expenses not to the care of your children. If your parents can get more involved with child rearing reach out to them, start proving that you can be the best single parent of the two.

If your "wife" is that willing to have her mother lie to cover for her, what else will your children learn from such a toxic environment?

[lostandhurt]

I was in your shoes back in 2008.  20 years together, 8 yr old disabled son and our lives were going really well then I caught her.

  I actually gave her 3 chances but the last one was for me so I could go into the divorce with no regrets that I didn't try everything possible to fix it.  She lied and did things I would have never in a million years thought  she was capable of but she was and more.

  Your wife is not the person she used to be or you thought she was.  The fact that her own mother helped her cheat leads me to think the apple didn't fall from the tree at all.  The first thing you need to do is accept that the women you love is gone and is replaced by the person you know now.  She is a liar and cheater and nothing she says can be trusted, NOTHING!

 So she calls crying because her exciting fantasy life has been ruined, she isn't crying because she misses you, she is crying because her life is messed up and she wants it back like it used to be where you paid all the bills and provided the security she could always return to after banging this other dude.  Time to stop seeing her with love goggles on and clear your vision.

 Counseling will not work because she clearly thinks she hasn't done anything wrong other than getting caught.  Proof of that is her continued disrespect of you, family and your marriage by spending time with her bf while you are out of the house.  This shows how much she cares about your feelings.

 Telling you if you come home she will stop dating her bf also shows just how selfish and narcissistic she is.  One of the favorite lines cheaters use is:"We are just friends" She probably learned that from her mother.   She is still banging her bf and even posting pictures with him.  Pretty bad...

  So can the marriage be saved?  The better question is: Should the marriage be saved?  At this point what is there left to save?  The trust is gone forever, respect is non existent, lies are her life, she clearly is not in love with you any longer and most importantly being with her has and will continue to turn you into someone you don't want to be.  What kind of life would that be?

  I know fear is steering your choices but you need to stop that right now.  You will be just fine when it is all over, the kids will adjust because having one parent that is happy and honest (you) is way better than a lying cheating wife and a miserable father.  I was afraid too and it is totally normal to feel that way.  What will happen to me? Will anyone ever want me? Will my relationship with the kids be okay? Will I be broke?  Will I lose half my stuff? How will it all turn out???

  I will never tell my ex this but she did me a huge favor and I am happier now than anytime with her.  I focused on my son, used a mediator for the divorce and paid her off so there was no alimony and I calculated the child support myself.  Life goes on and can be really awesome once you get your feet back under you.

 Don't let fear make your choices.  As it stands now there is nothing to save except her free time to go see her bf.  I am sorry but these things almost never turn out well especially when the cheating spouse is still dating her bf while trying to reconcile.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, TopsyKrets31 said:

It just felt really unhealthy for us and the kids so I decided to move out.  I believe she is keeping him around as a safety net because she can’t pay her bills now that I left.

Sorry this happened. Consult an attorney asap to navigate this appropriately with regard to abandoning the house or not paying bills.

You need expert advice and leverage as well as developing a rapport with a good attorney. Discontinue paying personal expenses like anything in her name such as phone, car etc. 

As long as you are legally married this could backfire. Ask her to move out and stay with her mother. She of course doesn't have to but ask. 

[Seraphim]

You should have consulted a lawyer before leaving. You could be called in abandonment. 
This marriage unfortunately finished . Be the best dad you can be . 

[BMP2CPM]

In a nutshell:

1) she has lost her emotional connection to you. Once lost, it is near impossible to get back. 

2) her boss is more resourceful than you, eg careerwise, time he spends on her, providing for her emotional needs. 

I spell this out to help put the situation in perspective. The situation sucks but you will learn from it and get through it.

Trying to keep this sinking ship afloat wastes the best remaining years you have. Life is too short for continual lies.

Good luck!

 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, BMP2CPM said:

she has lost her emotional connection to you. Once lost, it is near impossible to get back. 

Well no what she lost is her morals and ethics related to her wedding vows and loyalty to her husband and three children.  People can feel like they are not feeling connected and react by working on the marriage or leaving.  Not cheating and lying.

[smackie9]

If she was truly remorseful, she wouldn't have anymore contact with this guy...but she continues so she's blowing smoke up your butt. The only reason she wants you back is for financial reasons. If her mother helped her hide the affair, that tells me she's been feeding your mother in-law lies about you and how you treat her, I can guarantee it. Your wife is being very manipulative or at least trying to. I agree you need to move back home first, and then quietly consult a lawyer to start the proceedings.