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Struggling after break up


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So I'm new here, hoping to someone organize the thoughts running through my head.

Here's the situation:

My boyfriend and I met partying in December. He was still in a relationship when we started talking. He had explained that things were not going well between them, but he mostly kept to himself about those details and I didn't want to know everything because that was their business. Come February, things ended between them and he moved out of their shared apartment back home. We got closer and come April we were officially together. I couldn't believe my luck, I had found this perfect and exciting man. He didn't want to stay long at his parents' so he soon started looking for an apartment. I helped him find something and we soon decided that I would move in along with him since I had also just moved back to my parents' after studying abroad. We made our place cozy and I couldn't have been happier. I had met this person who checked all my boxes and I wondered how it was even possible that we matched so well. I had never felt this way about anyone and we had a connection on a much deeper level. He was really the one for me in my eyes. We moved in together and 3 months later the first Covid lockdown happened. Instead of having too much of each other we really enjoyed the time and we never got annoyed with each other, barely fighting. 8 months living together and the Covid lockdown basically opens back up. We had even put our names in for a space to build a house on, so we were serious. He says he wanted this to be his last relationship because he was so happy. Unfortunately, that's when the fights began. Still wouldn't say anything out of the ordinary, but frequently. I noticed that he went out to spend the time with friends partying and having fun, which he missed during lockdown. Completely normal, however he started to not put in the same effort to spend time with me. I was definitely becoming a bit annoying wanting more time, so oftentimes we clashed. I work shifts, so I also knew that wasn't easy for him to have to work his time schedule around that. More and more he said he wants more time for himself. We still went on our summer vacation and celebrated my birthday. We had a big fight right before he broke up at a festival. We argued over something silly, so very minor, but I made a bigger fuss about it and I guess he was hurt. He didn't even look at me once that evening and I was mad. We argued over 1 hour at that festival, not making it better. He acted weird for about a week and then broke up. He confessed to talking to a girl he had med at the festival for 3 days, but broke it off because he felt bad about it. I had written him a letter where I explained my feelings about the recent fights and he cried so much, but there was no budging in his decision. We've been broken up 5 months now.. I'm still struggling because I didn't feel like the fights were serious enough to break off our strong connection. I still feel like he's the one.. How could he give up something so great over a few months of hardship, we would have been able to find our way out if both of us really wanted to work on it.. but I guess he didn't. He was super sweet about helping me get all of my things out of the apartment and I've moved into my own place now. But he's avoided all contact. I've tried no contact, didn't make difference. All his friends say he has emotionally moved on. How?? He considered wanting to build a house 5 months ago?? We talked 2-3 times after the break up, but I was always more confused after the conversations feeling like he doesn't know what he actually wanted. He said that "in love" feeling was missing, but all relationships have that? He also says he doesn't want to rekindle because this break up hurt him so much he didn't want to feel that again.. how confusing. I know he really loved me and I kind of think he still does. I just wish I knew a reason. Ultimately, I think he just wants his freedom to do whatever the hell he wants, but now he's met a new girl, nothing serious or official.. yet. That would be the biggest slap in the face because then he really never had a reason to break up, or at least never had the courage to tell me. I really want to get close to him again.. my gut feeling won't let me think otherwise that he's the one.. Help! What do I do?

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I also wanted to add that I wrote him another letter 6 weeks after break up, explaining my feelings and love (obviously not post break up text book), but he told me how hard it was for him to read that and that he cried hours over it too. I was at the apartment 2 weeks ago and saw that he had kept the letter.. what is that supposed to mean? Why does he ignore me? Does he really not care anymore or is he trying to protect himself because he can't explain his own feelings. 

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The two of you acted way too impulsively.

As much as you think you knew each other, you didn't.

He moved on because he was never really committed to you in the first place. He also was fresh out of another relationship, you were probably just a rebound to him.

When your head clears, think about your decision to move in with a guy after knowing him only a month.

 

 

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20 minutes ago, Leezy002 said:

My boyfriend and I met partying in December. He was still in a relationship when we started talking. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it was way too much way too soon. 

You dodged a bullet. A serial cheater who lines up the next woman then dumps the last. Sadly he did it with you, then did it to you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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You're young and obviously still haven't learned from your dating mistakes. It's like you're an illiterate scribe just copying words you're not understanding. The clear message is that he lacks boundaries and emotionally cheats by flirting romantically with another woman while still in a relationship. Why didn't you reject exchanging numbers when you knew he was taken and why did you consider a guy a prize when he would do this? If he whined about being unhappy in that relationship, that's never an excuse to basically slither into another situation ship with being cleanly finished with his primary relationship.

And it's never wise to make major decisions like moving in with someone until knowing them a solid year or more. You need that amount of time to see the person through all facets of life: if they are faithful or not, if they come to your aid when you're sick or your car breaks down, if they continue to make a good effort building a beautiful relationship or not, if they lack dealbreakers, and so much more.

You were happy at the beginning and perceived him to be, but perception isn't always reality. You've both sprinted in a race that was supposed to be a marathon, and ran out of steam.

Get some time and distance away from him, which means going no contact for closure and reflection. When you do, you will likely see how he is really not good bf material. If you can't see what everyone else clearly does, you will repeat the pattern of choosing the wrong man.

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I have to add that he was the most loving and caring man I had ever met, the classic gentleman. I would almost say he showed me what it meant to be truly loved. I didn't meet him out of efforts to get him to leave his ex, we didn't have the girlfriend conversation for a while, but we instantly clicked and understood each other well. We didn't date for another 6 months and we didn't move in until being together 4 months, which I agree is too soon, but circumstances lead it to be this way. I also think that we settled in too soon with each other and that took out the honeymoon phase too quick. I do see that he emotionally started talking to someone else, like he did with me. I just am so stuck on him because he made me feel a certain way I'd never felt before. I would have married this man.

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@Wiseman2 

I don't think he lined um the next girl. He wanted freedom, he himself says he doesn't want a relationship for a while, just like his friends say the same. He had always been in relationships and never had the time to explore. I can just assume that that's what he felt he was missing when we were having difficulties. In the last conversation his words were "he doesn't even have time for a relationship".

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I agree with all those who say it was way too much way too soon.  He was still in a relationship, broke it off, and very shortly thereafter you were a couple.  This screams rebound and it very rarely ever lasts.

But, most of all, here's your answer in your own words: ..... "He wanted freedom, he himself says he doesn't want a relationship for a while, just like his friends say the same. He had always been in relationships and never had the time to explore".

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58 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I agree with all those who say it was way too much way too soon.  He was still in a relationship, broke it off, and very shortly thereafter you were a couple.  This screams rebound and it very rarely ever lasts.

But, most of all, here's your answer in your own words: ..... "He wanted freedom, he himself says he doesn't want a relationship for a while, just like his friends say the same. He had always been in relationships and never had the time to explore".

But also he was acting inconsistently with being in a committed relationship by "talking" as you put it -so in this "talking" were you invited to meet his partner? Did he tell you why he was "talking" to you in secret instead of "talking" to you after he ended things with his girlfriend? You took the risk of being with someone who is not a gentleman when it comes to character and integrity. 

Of course he's allowed to "talk" to women but apparently she didn't know about you, and he was confiding in you that he wasn't happy -to a woman he met partying.  Sounds kind of an icky way to behave when you're still in a relationship. 

So why should it be different with you -when he gets a bit dissatisfied instead of resolving it or ending things he confides in someone else, hooks up with someone else.  He showed you who he was and yet you did this insta-relationship with him.  Why? 

Please stop the whole tired rationalization of "he wants to be free to explore" - couples are free to explore, couples have awesome times exploring.  With the exception that if they're exclusive they're not supposed to explore others' bodies, bodily fluids, explore others' hearts in an intimate, romantic way in secret. 

He's a big boy.  If he wanted to be free to explore he could have chosen not to rush into a committed relationship.  He wants to be free to explore other women because he's not that into you.  It's kind of limited.  But you knew his limitations of character from the get go, right?  So how did that become some sort of perfect match for you?

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@Batya33

So we never got into any intimate talks until after the relationship ended with his ex. Before these were just conversations like between friends. In the relationship, he was perfect for me because we enjoyed doing the same things, laughed so much, had the same humor, and had such an intimate connection until the fights began to crumble that happiness a little bit. For me, every relationship can have a down, but instead of fighting he just gave up and yes, this screams that he didn't feel the same way I did. I just can't come to terms with this fact as there's no way I could have imagined it all. I'm sure he felt the same at some point. Alone how emotional the break up was showed me how important the relationship had been to him. Nevertheless, now it seems like it never meant anything..

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5 minutes ago, Leezy002 said:

@Batya33

So we never got into any intimate talks until after the relationship ended with his ex. Before these were just conversations like between friends. In the relationship, he was perfect for me because we enjoyed doing the same things, laughed so much, had the same humor, and had such an intimate connection until the fights began to crumble that happiness a little bit. For me, every relationship can have a down, but instead of fighting he just gave up and yes, this screams that he didn't feel the same way I did. I just can't come to terms with this fact as there's no way I could have imagined it all. I'm sure he felt the same at some point. Alone how emotional the break up was showed me how important the relationship had been to him. Nevertheless, now it seems like it never meant anything..

He gave up on his ex for good because he wanted to date you.  He gave up on you because he wanted to date the gal he met at the festival.  Feeling the same doesn't mean being committed in the same way.  You had a lot in common and enough to make it fun in the beginning.  But he likes the thrill of the chase for now.  This could change -he may meet someone or become a person who likes the thrill of a solid serious relationship.  But I wouldn't wait around. 

When you were having those talks and he told you he was involved with someone my sense is you figured to keep the talks going so he wouldn't "forget" you if he ended things - but my advice -if someone is in a relationship and wants to start a friendship with you make sure the person also wants you to meet his partner.  If the "new friend" tells you he's about to end things -tell him to be in touch -even as a friend- once he does end things.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I know this might sound hurtful but like I said in other topics please do not make it more difficult than it should be.

Men are simple we are not complicated like women we do have emotions but we also have huge ego which was pumped into us from our friends/family and we have testesterone.

That girl the new one is probably more beatiful or exictng compared to you and since that you had problems already thats enough for him to move on.

Now I know its sad its terrible its like hell you may say "This is evil how can he forget" but thats how nature made us and there is no stopping it.

So my advice to you is move on asap. He might comeback in the future you know but be aware and check if he comes back after beign dumped oke?

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