An "uncommon" friendzone situation?

[Bukkake Samurai]

(20, M) I had a crush on this girl (21, F) for two years (starting on 2017) and I confessed (my literal first confession ever) on 2019. She friendzoned me obviously as we were practically strangers at the time. But 2019 up to now, we have talked hundreds if not thousands (I'm not exaggerating) of hours deep in the night; morning greetings, worrying about each other, updating each other what we are doing, etc., she is probably the only person that knows me that well, not even my mom and I can say that applies to her as well with me. Granted most of this happened in Messenger. The pandemic sucks big time!

I still like her. I think it did evolve into love. She is the first person I have felt this way. She is very mature, kind and probably the perfect girl for me. I am perfectly aware this might be oneitis and have talked to girls my age too, but they cannot compare. 

I want to ask her out again to know if anything actually changed. Am I naive to think something changed? Am I risking a friendship for something I am not sure of? Should I go for it? What the heck am I supposed to do?

 

Thank you for reading and responding, God bless.

[MissCanuck]

First question, have you ever met her in person? 

It's not clear from you post if this is someone you know in real life, or online only. 

[Bukkake Samurai]

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

First question, have you ever met her in person? 

It's not clear from you post if this is someone you know in real life, or online only. 

Oh yes, we were classmates for two years in Senior Highschool. I spent those two years just being the admirer from afar with smalltalk and group project interactions sometimes but before graduation, I just had to do confess.

 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

 I spent those two years just being the admirer from afar , I just had to do confess.

It's ok to have a crush and it's ok to have friends, but unfortunately you're lost in a fantasyland.

The "confess" trend is creepy and of course leads to instant friendzoning because it's so awkward.

Are you in college or working? Why haven't you developed a normal dating life?

Are you isolated? Depressed? Anxious?

Something is wrong if you are lost in this crush for years without developing a regular dating life or looking for a GF. Obviously there's no sex when cyber chatting. 

So ask yourself why you are doing this.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

Am I naive to think something changed?

In short, yes.

If she considered you a friend and wanted nothing to do with you romantically, its highly unlikely anything changed. You may think it did because you talk now. But even the stuff you talk is not romantic stuff. Its just friends stuff. In short you are her best friend, not the boyfriend material.

Also, walk away. Again, its highly unlikely she even considers you for anything else. And you developed a crush and need to move on from her. And your best solution for that is to just not have her in the picture, not even as a friend, at least for a while. 

[Bukkake Samurai]

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok to have a crush and it's ok to have friends, but unfortunately you're lost in a fantasyland.

The "confess" trend is creepy and of course leads to instant friendzoning because it's so awkward.

Are you in college or working? Why haven't you developed a normal dating life?

Are you isolated? Depressed? Anxious?

Something is wrong if you are lost in this crush for years without developing a regular dating life or looking for a GF. Obviously there's no sex when cyber chatting. 

So ask yourself why you are doing this.

We are both in college now and I dont understand the normal dating life part. Is there something abnormal about pursuing a girl? (Or is the problem is that I am doing it too much?)

I am looking for a GF and she is what I had in mind. I tried talking to other girls but they cannot compare. Also it might be just cultural divide but sex isnt really what I want: thats for marriage, years from now!

I think the answer on why I am doing this is my infatuation evolved into love during our conversations.

[Bukkake Samurai]

37 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

In short, yes.

If she considered you a friend and wanted nothing to do with you romantically, its highly unlikely anything changed. You may think it did because you talk now. But even the stuff you talk is not romantic stuff. Its just friends stuff. In short you are her best friend, not the boyfriend material.

Also, walk away. Again, its highly unlikely she even considers you for anything else. And you developed a crush and need to move on from her. And your best solution for that is to just not have her in the picture, not even as a friend, at least for a while. 

Can I do something to change her supposed view towards me? From BFF material to BF?

Believe me, I once surrendered that we weren't meant to be but somehow for some reason she always comes back to talk. For about a year, we didnt have any contact but she wished me a Happy Birthday this year and thus-- again-- our night-long conversations came back. Which is why partly I think I do have a chance.

I am sure she knows I like her still, I set up my messages to show that implicitly. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

We are both in college now 

I am looking for a GF and she is what I had in mind.

How often do you see each other in person?

Does she have a BF?

It seems you are afraid of girls and that's why you're stuck in this fantasy.

[Bukkake Samurai]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How often do you see each other in person?

Does she have a BF?

It seems you are afraid of girls and that's why you're stuck in this fantasy.

Been two years since we did. Just before the national lockdowns.

She doesnt have a BF. We never had romantic relationships, you can say we both dont know what we are doing; I can safely say that.

I am sorry, with the risk of sounding like a douche: I am confident and outgoing. So no. 😓 I just have no prior experience in terms of dating as she was the catalyst for my maturity. 

 

[MissCanuck]

55 minutes ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

Can I do something to change her supposed view towards me? From BFF material to BF?

In my experience, not really. It's not about changing her view. 

We just aren't attracted to some people that way. It doesn't mean you are not an attractive guy, but she apparently just doesn't have those feelings for you. Think of a girl you see only as a friend but aren't romantically attracted to. It's the same thing. 

We can't manufacture attraction that we just don't feel. 

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Bukkake Samurai,

Firstly, I sincerely hope you are named for the Atomic Tommy song...

Secondly, as painful as it may be to accept, you are in perhaps the most common of all friendzone situations. You sought a romantic relationship with this girl, but she rejected you. Perhaps, following that initial rejection you genuinely wanted to move on from your interest and become just friends, however at some point you realised you couldn't do that. If you are honest with yourself, I am sure that point was fairly early on. From that point on, your engagement was disingenious; you have hoped to subvert the friendship into a relationship. Friends do not describe themselves as 'in the friendzone'.

If you are not genuinely okay with being just friends, don't be just friends. It is dishonest and destructive in the long term. You cannot be a good friend to someone you are fundamentally dishonest with; and that is what it is to be in the friendzone. If you want more, let her know. If she doesn't, realise that you cannot be just her friend, as painful as that may be. 

It may all sound harsh, but the truth is so many truly excellent people go through this same experience. Even less than excellent people like myself. Until you are willing to own that you want more, and act accordingly, you won't be able to move forward. 

Good luck,

T

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

Been two years since we did. 

Is it a distance situation?  Why is it inconceivable to date local women who are interested in you romantically?

It's ok to have a crush and chat buddies. However when she starts dating guys she sees as men and in her league, it's going to leave a huge void for you.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

Can I do something to change her supposed view towards me? From BFF material to BF?

 

No. Girls are somewhat "hardwired" when it comes to stuff like that. When they make up their mind on something, that doesnt change. To her it would be like dating a brother. Something she would never do. No ammount of you droping hints and offering yourself would change that. She very much knows you like her, she just doesnt see you in that way. Otherwise she would return affection.

Does she compliments you? Or you just talk about stuff? Because you are hanging on the part that you talk. Which doesnt mean a thing if she doesnt return affection. I am sorry, but she might as well be bored and talks to you because she doesnt have somebody at the moment. If she doesnt show it, no, she just doesnt like you in that way. 

[Andrina]

She communicates with you because you're a fan. It feels good to have a fan in life. When she gets a bf, you're going to be moved to the back burner, or totally shoved off the stove. Because people have busy lives, and a limited amount of time and emotional energy to pour into others. Think of her as a glass and a prospective gf as another glass. If you're pouring everything into your crush, the prospective gf glass is empty. No girlfriend. Empty romantic life.

These sorts of close male/female friendships are common in youth but have an expiration date. When you look at your parents, aunts and uncles, they don't have these sorts of friendships, do they? I'm guessing not, because that would cause a lot of issues in a marriage.

You're writing on this forum because you're at a crossroads. Things can't go on as they have. Of course she knows you've continued to crush on her. If she felt the same, she wouldn't let the opportunity slip her by to make you her one and only. She hasn't.

You will likely balk at doing what's best for yourself, but you should tell her, "My close friendship with you is preventing me to seek out a girlfriend because I need to start pouring my energy into that. I've enjoyed knowing you, but for my own good, we'll have to go no contact. I wish you the best life."

You have to make room in your heart for a gf, and that's not going to happen when you continue communicating with a crush. Also think about dating a new girl and she finds out you communicate with a longstanding crush. She will drop you like a hot potato. You're not a teen anymore. Time to realize moving into adulthood is hard and hard choices have to be made for your own good. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[DancingFool]

4 hours ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

We are both in college now and I dont understand the normal dating life part. Is there something abnormal about pursuing a girl? (Or is the problem is that I am doing it too much?)

I am looking for a GF and she is what I had in mind. I tried talking to other girls but they cannot compare. Also it might be just cultural divide but sex isnt really what I want: thats for marriage, years from now!

I think the answer on why I am doing this is my infatuation evolved into love during our conversations.

It's not OK to keep pursuing someone who already said "no thanks". So yes, the problem is that you have become stuck on her.

Despite the above, I think that you do need to ask her to date just one more time and if the answer is no, even if it's a soft and confusing no, you need to stop completely and walk away from this entire situation.

For you, this is not a genuine friendship in that you are heavily invested in her emotionally and also romantically and that prevents you from being able to develop healthy connections with other women. So for as long as you continue to talk to her, you will not be able to see that there are other and even better options. You quite literally need some time to get over her and disconnect so that you become open to other people who are actually into you romantically. Put it simply, you can't develop a healthy relationship and connection with anyone else while you are so in love and attached to her.

She may be your first romantic interest, but refusing to walk away has also stunted your growth when it comes to dating and relationships.

[Bukkake Samurai]

Thank you for your insights, I read them all. It seems I do have to make the hard choice of giving it up, but I still want to talk to her about it one last time. Really thank you guys, I didnt make the mistake of coming here! 🤗

It feels painful to imagine I will have to see her not with me, but ***, I do have to do it, do I? 

 

 

[smackie9]

Female here with a lot of experience friend zoning guys. The fact is, they never leave the friends zone. Us girls can be emotionally attached, without romantic feelings. So all those deep talks is not intimacy. You need to get yourself out of this. She is an emotional succubus.

[boltnrun]

I had a male friend suggest to me that we date each other. I as kindly as possible told him I view him as a dear friend, but not as a romantic partner. He seemed disappointed but understanding. So we continued to be friends. We talked all the time, I went over to his house to watch racing and he even stayed overnight at my house when he had work in my city. And I STILL didn't have romantic feelings for him. He aggressively tried to pursue me again, so aggressively that I finally had to end the friendship (no, he didn't attack me). I had thought he took "no" for an answer but apparently he hadn't.

If you must, ask her out on a date. A real date. Make it clear it's a date (don't say "want to grab some food?"). If she says no again, leave it be.

[Bukkake Samurai]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I had a male friend suggest to me that we date each other. I as kindly as possible told him I view him as a dear friend, but not as a romantic partner. He seemed disappointed but understanding. So we continued to be friends. We talked all the time, I went over to his house to watch racing and he even stayed overnight at my house when he had work in my city. And I STILL didn't have romantic feelings for him. He aggressively tried to pursue me again, so aggressively that I finally had to end the friendship (no, he didn't attack me). I had thought he took "no" for an answer but apparently he hadn't.

If you must, ask her out on a date. A real date. Make it clear it's a date (don't say "want to grab some food?"). If she says no again, leave it be.

Do you think there was any chance for you to develop feelings for him, in an another universe? Also, why do you think you didnt? Sorry for the questions, I can totally see myself as the friend in your story. 

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

Do you think there was any chance for you to develop feelings for him, in an another universe? Also, why do you think you didnt? Sorry for the questions, I can totally see myself as the friend in your story. 

No, I did not and do not have romantic feelings for him. I only live in this universe so I don't understand that question. But no, I didn't and won't ever develop feelings for him.

I can't say why I don't have those feelings. I just don't. He's not a bad looking guy, he's funny and fun and people like him a lot. I did too, just not in a romantic way.

[smackie9]

look at it this way...she KNOWS you are crushing on her...she ain't no dummy, it's always at the back of our minds with this sort of thing. If she did catch feelings for you, she wouldn't let anything get in the way. When a girl likes you she does let you know. It is what it is. Have to accept that. You are young, stop wasting your time on her. There's plenty out there to see and enjoy, discover.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Bukkake Samurai said:

Do you think there was any chance for you to develop feelings for him, in an another universe? Also, why do you think you didnt? Sorry for the questions, I can totally see myself as the friend in your story. 

OP, as I said above:

Think of a girl you know, and you like her okay, but are not attracted to her. 

It is extremely unlikely that you would become attracted to her if she just pursued you more or were nicer to you. 

[Coily]

Having been down this frustrating road myself, I wrote a letter to she who friend-zoned me and then promptly tore it up. A release so that I could move on.

At the end of the day there is closeness and intimacy, and you tried to bridge that gap to no avail. Now is the time to move and grow beyond her.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Bukkake Samurai,

You know that noone here can give any true insight into her feelings. Honestly, it is beside the point anyway. This is about your feelings.

You know how you feel and what you want. This faux friendship is not making you happy; you know that everytime she doesn't reply quite so quickly, or quite so enthusiastically, or describes some plan which doesnt include you, you feel it in the pit of your stomach. If she told you she met someone, in your heart you would not be happy, despite your mind protesting that as long as she is happy. 

You owe it to yourself and to her to be true to your feelings; put it out there, unequivocally, and hold your head high when you do. Its okay that you have feelings for her, and you have a lot to offer. You deserve to be happy, whether with her or someone you have yet to meet. Until you are willing to own it, and face the consequences of your feelings, you will be paralyzed. Free yourself; tell her how you feel. And if she doesn't reciprocate, be honest and tell her you cannot be friends because you want more. It is not a defeat to be rejected, it is a victory to have tried. 

Good luck,

T