Finally realizing how crazy I was

[junebug123]

Not sure why I am even writing this. Have you ever had an experience where you wrote something down; Later you read it and can’t understand how you ever had those thoughts to begin with?

I finally had the urge to do some programming outside of work for the first time in 4 in a half months. Figured it would be boring so I went on discord to sort of socialize while I messed around with some java desktop application.

This girl who I had a cyber relationship with a while back changed her profile picture and out of curiosity I re-read a lot of the conversations that we had before.

Only this time, I wasn’t in love with her and didn’t have any feelings. I realized then when I read a lot of my old messages how involved I had become with someone who I barely knew at the time. In fact I was actually quite possessive and my emotions were all over the place.

Thinking back, I don’t think I ever once put myself in her shoes at all. I never realized how strong I was coming on and how I didn’t understand small hints being thrown my way. In fact I was so deep in my feelings that even more direct messages were just flat out ignored.

To be honest I don’t know how long I will be this lucid for. In fact the few times that I ever feel this good scare me, because I usually defer back to my old way of being a functionally depressed person.

I never realized how depressed I was because usually how I feel, is just the norm.  I wonder if how I’m feeling now, if this is how people feel all the time? Now that I think about it, I think the reason I get so attached to unhealthy women is because they are like the small reprieve I have from my constant feelings of loneliness and isolation.

I finally understand what people mean when they say I need therapy. I wish I could feel like this more often.

 

[lostandhurt]

Why can't you?

  Is there something stopping you from seeking out help? 

What brought on this period of clarity?  Has something changed?

Lost

[junebug123]

I woke up today feeling like I normally do. It’s like a weird fog of feeling tired and unmotivated even thou nothing happened for me to feel like this.

What brought on the moment of clarity. Well this girl that I used to speak to our discoed. I told her everything that happened when I worked for chase for a month or so. 

She told me the reason I acted out against my female co-worker was because I didn’t know myself. She said if I knew she was being short with me, then why confront her.

She also told me that someone who was acting this way when confronted would only get angry. And if the person wasn’t intending to engage in this behavior would just apologize not realizing they were being this way.

Im not sure if she was right about that, but my co-worker did in fact get angry and that led to my dismissal. Maybe I felt like I was being gaslit because I wasn’t sure what was going on or why I was being treated this way and I cared more about that then staying there.

The girl from discord told me that if I knew myself, I wouldn’t have questioned my intuition so much. I thought about what she said for a very long time.

Recently, on one of my walks to the store I passed by that girl from the bar, while she was outside smoking a cigarette. I’m not sure if she noticed me or not, it could be that she just wasn’t facing my direction or saw me out of the side of her eye and turned away to avoid confrontation.

At first I was tempted to go into the bar and try to talk to her, but as I kept walking to the store I thought about what the discord girl told me. She also said something very interesting to me.

She told me that the reason I feel bad all the time is because that’s what feels normal to me. That essentially my negative feelings are composed of my ego. And to maintain my ego I need to constantly seek out situations to allow me to maintain this view of a being a victim.

I think yesterday was the first day that I was able to apply her thoughts on a subconscious level. By retroactively analyzing my behavior over the course of a week, I was able to regain sense of self. Without attributing it to the perceptions of others, which is what I normally do.

By allowing myself to just think of myself independently of how I think others are perceiving me. It felt like a cloud had been lifted, maybe just temporary.

[boltnrun]

If it's "normal" for you to feel bad all the time, why don't you want to get help with that?

I normally feel pretty good emotionally, which is why I sought help when I realized I was feeling anxious and fearful all the time.

If you broke your leg or were throwing up blood would you tell yourself "Well, that's just normal" and decide not to see a doctor?

[catfeeder]

Moments of clarity, no matter how fleeting, are never wasted. They teach us the state to strive for, and they give us the contrast to our usual state.

I'd take the messages you've found so helpful to a therapist, and start THERE with what you've told us.

You're doing great work! Think of what you could accomplish--and the leaps and bounds you could make--if you worked with someone who is trained in this stuff!

Head high, and write more if it helps. 

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt take the words of some girl you even dont know at face value. Lots of times people in our lives project, even are malicious on purpose. Especially if you got into beef with her. 

Anyway, I do agree that you dont know yourself that much. Otherwise you wouldnt question yourself that much(its fine that you do I think everybody should from time to time but you should know yourself better) or dont change your patterns that you think are bad(as we talked on previous thread). And that you should go to therapy to talk to somebody professional. 

[junebug123]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I wouldnt take the words of some girl you even dont know at face value. Lots of times people in our lives project, even are malicious on purpose. Especially if you got into beef with her. 

Anyway, I do agree that you dont know yourself that much. Otherwise you wouldnt question yourself that much(its fine that you do I think everybody should from time to time but you should know yourself better) or dont change your patterns that you think are bad(as we talked on previous thread). And that you should go to therapy to talk to somebody professional. 

I have spoken to many people and listen to many videos on these sort of topics pertaining to self help and introspection. It’s not like I am incapable of filtering information through the lens of my mind; Determining thoughts or ideas and come to my own conclusions as to whether they fit my purposes or not.

I am almost certain that much of my depression comes from the expectations that others have placed on me from a very young age. This idea that some kids are gifted or smarter then others, and the way parents and teachers view you relative to other students and children.

Its extremely exhausting pushing yourself always to meet the demands of a narcissistic parent, who rarely if ever provides you with any validation for your achievements relative to your siblings.  

The idea that smarter kids were supposed to get higher grades or perform better in certain activities due to their gifts... Then seeing the praise and love that your peers and siblings get for what you would consider average accomplishments.

As I got older and didn’t live up to those expectations, I just felt like more and more of a failure. Never once questioning why I set these lofty goals for myself based on other people’s expectations. The truth is that many of the technical books that I read on a regular basis are far beyond the compression of my mother, yet I still look to her for validation.

Probably the most damaging thing you could do to a child is convince them that they are somehow better then their peers. If by some chance they somehow succeed in living up to your expectations, then all the work and effort you put in was just the norm. However, if you fail to live up to those expectations then your less then human, in fact your squandered your gifts and your a failure. 

Sometimes I wonder how many kids labeled gifted are actually gifted at all. And if it’s not just some grand delusion that parents force on their children so they can feel better about themselves. Maybe, I started asking less of myself recently and being grateful for the things I have accomplished and maybe that’s why I feel better.

Either way, I do feel like writing here does help me somewhat. Sometimes I feel so lost , it’s like I have to write on here to have some voice of reason or someone to talk to who isn’t deeply rooted in their own problems.

Maybe that’s why so many people stay damaged for so long. Because the never have anyone sane to actually talk to...

[Batya33]

Understand that if you were so in your feelings and not listening to her you were not in love. Loving is giving.  Loving means not being in your head to that extent because you are inspired to give to the other person.  Love is a feeling but in a relationship loving as giving is key and more important.  Now you have this aha moment where you realize you were using her to get the sort of thrill of feeling infatuated and as a way to fantasize about who she must be.  I know you'll make different choices next time because I think now you're paying attention to this clarity.