I messed up 😩 Help

[Dee]

(Using the app we met on) I broke my no contact rule with my LD ex boyfriend who broke up with me😔 I was out having a good time for pre Halloween festivities with my friends. Unfortunately liquid courage gave me a boost and my get up was creepy but HOT so I wanted him Too see what he is missing. I thought certainly he would bite but all he said was “be safe have fun”. I feel like an idiot for reaching out and thinking he would actually compliment me 🥺 

We haven’t spoken in over 2weeks now and last he said to me was “I loved you but in the end I turned my feelings off & I made it about physical attraction” <~~ May have not been to that extent verbiage wise but it’s similar. 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Dee said:

Unfortunately liquid courage gave me a boost and my get up was creepy but HOT so I wanted him Too see what he is missing.

Ok. At least you finally have closure. Now is the time to Delete And Block him from All your social media and messaging apps.

 You can date local decent guys who you meet in real life.

[Dee]

I did meet him in real life but I know what you mean. Just unfortunately had a set back and a lapse in judgement 🥺

[MissCanuck]

You didn't mess up, OP. You might have set back your healing a bit, but there is nothing to mess up here. 

You are human and you are hurting after a break-up. You missed him and wanted some validation, got drunk and did what millions of dumpees do all the time...drunk-text the ex. It stings when we don't get the response we were hoping for, but nothing you can do but learn from it and don't text him again. 

 

[melancholy123]

This is where you learn from your mistake so you dont do it again.

[boltnrun]

Put his contact in your phone as "NO DON'T" so the next time you've had too much to drink you'll see it and hopefully won't do it again.

[Batya33]

Ask yourself -really -if he had responded with a sexy message would you really feel good about yourself that he showed this sort of interest in response to your drunk texting when you decide to wear a revealing outfit? Knowing he ended things with you and you're stooping to that level to get attention?  I like his response a lot - it was polite and meant not to lead you on.

[smackie9]

Well you seem to have learned your lesson, and right now you just need to start moving forward. Let it go, let him go. In another week or two you will feel better.

[Dee]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You didn't mess up, OP. You might have set back your healing a bit, but there is nothing to mess up here. 

You are human and you are hurting after a break-up. You missed him and wanted some validation, got drunk and did what millions of dumpees do all the time...drunk-text the ex. It stings when we don't get the response we were hoping for, but nothing you can do but learn from it and don't text him again. 

 

Thank you for understanding. Like you implied I was wanting some form of validation. We talked EVERY single day we saw one another as much as we could in the last 6.5months he knows a lot about me. I guess I just wanted a minor compliment to know that he is still kind of attracted to me. I know he is but the validation is nice. 
 

[Batya33]

So the validation would have been "wow you look hot in that revealing outfit - I wish I was with you right now so I could tell everyone I'm with the hottie and then take it off you later and have hot sex!!!" - you'r asking for a compliment of what you look like in revealing clothing and you're doing it by sending him a photo so it's transparent (pun intended) what you want in return. 

Please reconsider whether that sort of "validation" is that important to you from him.  And it wouldn't have meant he was attracted to you -you would have texted him a photo, and if he responded with some compliment about how hot you looked you would never know if it was one of those knee-jerk reactions many men have when confronted with someone in revealing clothing -even if they mean it in a joking way.  I know Halloween is an excuse to dress up that way and go party -- but just think about why you need that type of "validation".  

[Dee]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So the validation would have been "wow you look hot in that revealing outfit - I wish I was with you right now so I could tell everyone I'm with the hottie and then take it off you later and have hot sex!!!" - you'r asking for a compliment of what you look like in revealing clothing and you're doing it by sending him a photo so it's transparent (pun intended) what you want in return. 

Please reconsider whether that sort of "validation" is that important to you from him.  And it wouldn't have meant he was attracted to you -you would have texted him a photo, and if he responded with some compliment about how hot you looked you would never know if it was one of those knee-jerk reactions many men have when confronted with someone in revealing clothing -even if they mean it in a joking way.  I know Halloween is an excuse to dress up that way and go party -- but just think about why you need that type of "validation".  

My costume was not revealing in the slightest I felt confident. I was looking to him for a compliment due to the fact we had a history and even when we were together he always made sure to give me validation when I didn’t feel beauitful.I appreciate your comments but they are a bit harsh and feeling attacked when you didn’t even see my costume. It was mainly my make up and I knew he would appreciate it because Halloween was and always has been our fav thing.

[MissCanuck]

42 minutes ago, Dee said:

 I guess I just wanted a minor compliment to know that he is still kind of attracted to me. I know he is but the validation is nice. 

Not from an ex, though.

It gives us false hope and sets us back. So while it might feel good in the moment, it disappears almost as fast. And then what? You're still broken up. It feels even lonelier when you know an ex finds you attractive but still doesn't want to date you again. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Dee said:

My costume was not revealing in the slightest I felt confident. I was looking to him for a compliment due to the fact we had a history and even when we were together he always made sure to give me validation when I didn’t feel beauitful.I appreciate your comments but they are a bit harsh and feeling attacked when you didn’t even see my costume. It was mainly my make up and I knew he would appreciate it because Halloween was and always has been our fav thing.

You said it was HOT -that is where I got revealing from.  I still don't understand what him telling you you were beautiful when you were together has anything to do with you texting him a photo looking HOT so he'll know what he's missing - that was what you wrote your motivation is. "I wanted him Too see what he is missing." - that's not at all about wanting him to tell you you are beautiful because you didn't feel beautiful - you felt HOT and you wanted him to regret leaving you because of the photo of what you looked like,

  i'm not being harsh at all.  I think it's sad that you would have wanted him to compliment you in response to that text or to feel like he was missing out because of how your makeup looked at a Halloween event.  I wish you felt beautiful in such a way that it would never ever occur to you to text a photo like that to an ex, for the reason you yourself wrote.  I really hope you get to a better place about your worth.  

Honestly -feel complimented that he cared enough to respond and wish you well and hope that you stay safe.  That is classy and caring and is also careful not to lead you on because he doesn't want to date you nor does he want to "bite" as you put it because you look "hot" -he wants you to know he hopes you are well despite not wanting to be with you as a boyfriend.

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Dee said:

Unfortunately liquid courage gave me a boost and my get up was creepy but HOT so I wanted him Too see what he is missing. I thought certainly he would bite but all he said was “be safe have fun”. I feel like an idiot for reaching out and thinking he would actually compliment me 🥺 

Ok, you had a little setback. Now go back to THIS:

On 10/26/2021 at 7:11 PM, Dee said:

i am setting goals for myself and choosing to put HIM in a chapter of mY life that I have closed. He allowed me to see him for what he is. I cannot hold on to his toxic traits. He isnt worth anymore of my heart ache. I’ve got bigger things to focus on. 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

i am setting goals for myself and choosing to put HIM in a chapter of mY life that I have closed. He allowed me to see him for what he is. I cannot hold on to his toxic traits. He isnt worth anymore of my heart ache. I’ve got bigger things to focus on. 

Amen to that.  Thanks for posting that, Jibralta.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Dee said:

I thought certainly he would bite but all he said was “be safe have fun”.

What a Legend lol

OP, do you see now how little he cares and are you ready to finally move on?

[smackie9]

He is clearly telling you to move on. He's sticking to his decision.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

What a Legend lol

OP, do you see now how little he cares and are you ready to finally move on?

I think it shows he does care about her as a person - "be safe" is sweet when you know the person is out partying and all dolled up.  Sure he might have done it to show her he wasn't going to "bite" just like I scroll past the posts from certain people who will post pictures of themselves at the drop of a hat but with excuses (but clearly to say "look at me!!!! don't Iook hot/glamorous/like a warrior???) -I refuse to feed into their constant need for that sort of validation with the humble brag posts.  Once in awhile -sure -of course - then it's obvious it's rare, obvious it's a special occasion.  He's not going to play your game and maybe he assumed you were drunk so he didn't want to risk some odd back and forth.  Or again maybe it came through while he was on a date.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Dee said:

We haven’t spoken in over 2weeks now and last he said to me was “I loved you but in the end I turned my feelings off & I made it about physical attraction” <~~ May have not been to that extent verbiage wise but it’s similar. 

 

Nevermind the costume. Is the above not a turn off? Pay no mind, let this go. He's not the one for you so this gives you more time to turn your attention to dating someone else.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Dee said:

I was wanting some form of validation. 

That's ok. Post some nice pics of the party to your social media and share with friends and family. After you delete and block him from it of course.

Shift your focus to local life. Date local guys, have fun with local friends. You'll get more positive feedback that way than trying to draw it from this angry strange cold man.

[Kwothe28]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it shows he does care about her as a person - "be safe" is sweet when you know the person is out partying and all dolled up. 

I think he was just chill. If he cares he wouldnt block her everywhere or just straight up told her that she is "physical" thing for him. That is a very, very rude thing to just say straight to somebody face. It implies that at the end she was only good for one thing. "Be safe" is obligatory. He might as well told her "OK, good for you, dont care lol". He didnt take the bait and was chill about it. Because at the end, he just doesnt care enough to say anything else.

[Batya33]

Just now, Kwothe28 said:

I think he was just chill. If he cares he wouldnt block her everywhere or just straight up told her that she is "physical" thing for him. That is a very, very rude thing to just say straight to somebody face. It implies that at the end she was only good for one thing. "Be safe" is obligatory. He might as well told her "OK, good for you, dont care lol". He didnt take the bait and was chill about it. Because at the end, he just doesnt care enough to say anything else.

He could have not responded at all. Yes I get what you’re saying in context. I also think since he knows her he may have gleaned her manipulative motive - she said in her post she sent it to manipulate him into somehow missing her - and refused to play along.