Do I need counselling or am I being manipulated?

[Noffers93]

Hi, I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year now and for the most part has been smooth sailing. However we have had some issues lately.

A few nights  ago she told me she wasn’t sure she wanted to be with me. Now a little background on her, she has Bi-polar and a history of eating disorders. 
 

The main issues have been that she feels I need therapy for a couple of things, she has threatened to leave me if I don’t.

The 3 main arguments are based around this. The first being, she thinks I need therapy for an eating disorder. I weigh and measure most my food out and track my macros I’d say 6/7 days week, I also work out 6 days week and this is religious for me to do so. She feels the “rigidity” of it is too much, it effects my ability to enjoy food and socialise and wants me to seek counselling for it. I eat out about twice a week, and usually with my friends or her, so I just don’t see her point of view.

The second being I told her to “Shut up” when I was drinking one night , I don’t remember doing it. I never yell at her, I’ve never raised my voice at her,  I’ve never physically/emotionally hurt or threatened her. But she feels I need counselling to find where it comes from. I don’t really see her point of view here either, no doubt I shouldn’t of told her to shut up. But I feels it’s an over reaction. When I do drink she wait until I’m drink and purposely goes digging into my emotion, asks me deep questions and sort of pry’s information out of me that I wouldn’t say when sober. 
 

The 3rd being, she feels I need counselling because she thinks I have a problem with alcohol. When I do drink, I like to have 6+ drinks or no drinks at all. I don’t drink through the week and drink about every second weekend. So again I don’t really see her point of her.

This has all been one after the other in a space of a couple of weeks. She has threatened to leave if I don’t get counseling and has now told me she isn’t sure she wants to be with me. 
 

I would like to get an outside opinion here? Am I being emotionally manipulated or bullied into doing this? Or is she right, do I need counselling and give her point of view more thought. 

 

 

 

[WaywardKiwi]

Hi Noffers,

Unfortunately, it would be impossible for  strangers online to give an accurate assessment of your psychological well being. 

If you are genuinely here in good faith, by which I mean you genuinely are not sure if you should seek counselling for the issues your partner of over a year raised with you, then I would recommend you do, at least so a professional can assess the circumstances more fully and put your mind a rest one way or the other. 

Given you raise your partners psychological issues and mental health, if you genuinely feel her concerns are a form of projection, and you feel she herself may be a risk of regressing, it may be worth suggesting that you both go along to get assessed. You can frame it as making you more comfortable or as a kind of check up you can both do regularly.

Finally, if you are here seeking to undercut or disaprove your partner of over a years concerns, then I think you will find random internet comments carry very little weight in that arena. 

Whatever the case, best of luck.

T

[Kwothe28]

I think scheduling one session and just talking to somebody wouldnt hurt. At the end of the day licensed therapist would give you their professional opinion and you can put yours and hers mind at ease. Maybe its nothing, maybe you do need therapy, but you talking to professional isnt going to hurt you at all. Who knows, maybe you even discover more about yourself there.

However, I do not like her threatening to leave if you dont do that. That is emotional manipulation and you should be aware of that. Her intentions are maybe good, but its still manipulation.

But bottom line is, you do it for yourself. Her, if she wants to leave you, she will leave you even after therapy. But your growth is yours to take. So, just go talk and see if you do or dont need further counseling.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Noffers93 said:

Am I being emotionally manipulated or bullied into doing this?

Yes. She's projecting a lot of her own issues because she is needy and has no boundaries.

The drinking is too much and you may want to address this on your own. 

End it. She complains too much, is unstable and argues too much about how you should be what you should do etc.

Hopefully she's under a psychiatrist's care but you don't have to stick around and be nagged 24/7. 

Read up on binge drinking and decide if your drinking is the reason you're with someone  like this.

[Lambert]

Like @Noffers93 said, it's not possible for strangers to evaluate your mental health.  

However.... Based on what you wrote, the things that jumped out at me:

1.  Your girlfriend said she is not sure she wants to be with you.  This is a real problem.  In your shoes, I would take this as a deal breaker.  I would not continue to pour myself into a relationship with someone that is so willing to tell me they aren't sure about me. 

2.  The fact that she is bi-polar and has eating disorders are also a major red flags.  What is she doing, beside projecting her problems on to you, to fix her own issues?

3.  Maybe you are just incompatible.  If you like a disciplined, regimented diet and exercise routine, that is your choice. 

It's not fair for her to judge you on this.  It's your choice on how you like to live.  Is it extreme to some?  Yes.  As a self-described health nut (said in jest) I find cracking someone's chest open and moving veins from the leg to the heart extreme. But to others, that is run of the mill by-pass surgery.  So let's try to remember one person's extreme is subjective.  

4.  Your drinking... another incompatibility.  You told her to shut up.  ok.  That is not nice.  But how long is she holding this over you.  At some point we all have to decide to either forgive a person and not throw it their face or if that is not possible, break up. 

It's not healthy or fair to hold things over someone's head like you can't ever make a mistake.  But it is telling of who you are dealing with.

Sometimes it takes a year to really see a person in all seasons.  How they handle things, how they react, how they treat you when they are not at THEIR best. 

I would consider ending it with this person.  What is SHE doing to work on the relationship?  Or are all the problems because of you and you need to change?  If it's the latter, I feel this is just the beginning of some serious hoop jumping that will not end until you end it with her.

She does have some serious red flags of her own and if she is not working on them, that should be a deal breaker.

 

[Rose Mosse]

Let her know you appreciate her thoughts but you will not be going for counselling. Mention your reasons you listed here. 

And that you wish her the best but you won't be seeing someone who isn't sure about you. 

[catfeeder]

Decide whether or not you feel that she's worth the investment in getting an assessment from the counselor or therapist of your choice.

If she's not, then don't do it.

If she IS worth it, then that's your decision, and it makes no sense to view it through a lens of being manipulated. That's a perfect way to sabotage the relationship you presumably want to save.

The choice is yours, but speaking only for myself, if I ever drank enough to tell ANYone to shut up, I'd be dialing for help as soon as possible. That's not okay.

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, Lambert said:

1.  Your girlfriend said she is not sure she wants to be with you.  This is a real problem.  In your shoes, I would take this as a deal breaker.  I would not continue to pour myself into a relationship with someone that is so willing to tell me they aren't sure about me. 

2.  The fact that she is bi-polar and has eating disorders are also a major red flags.  What is she doing, beside projecting her problems on to you, to fix her own issues?

3.  Maybe you are just incompatible.  If you like a disciplined, regimented diet and exercise routine, that is your choice. 

It's not fair for her to judge you on this.  It's your choice on how you like to live.

I second all of this. She does have issue's you know this much and yes, I do feel she's portraying a lot of her own issue's onto you.

I feel it is okay to 'let loose' an occasional weekend. Is not like you live on alcohol.  And is not like you are starving yourself by eating well. 

As mentioned above, I think you two just aren't compatible.  People like this can be a challenge for sure.

Has only been about a year?  Now you know how she is.  Just be done with it all.

And yes... If someone says they don't know if they want to be with you.. Is simple..Walk!