My partner confessed to sexually abusing his sister when he was 12/13 and she was 3/4

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, PeaSoup said:

 I would need to speak to a therapist trained in this kind of stuff before doing that to see if that's the best step forward. 

The "best step forward" is to run like hell.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Do not intervene. You don't even know what are lies and what is real with a sicko like this.

[PeaSoup]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The "best step forward" is to run like hell.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Do not intervene. You don't even know what are lies and what is real with a sicko like this.

That's what I mean. I don't want to go to his sister and mess her up more.

I can't just suddenly block him, we live together and have an apartment contract together. I need to talk to a therapist. 

[Seraphim]

Talk to a woman’s shelter abuse line and see how to get out of this situation safely, but quickly before you get sucked back in by his pity party. 

[PeaSoup]

Thank you, I have parents in town I can go see, but I think that's a good idea. I'm paralysed with fear. I need to talk to a therapist. I need to figure out a way to do this asap that also keeps me and my possessions and my credit score safe. 

I'm scared.

Just now, Seraphim said:

Talk to a woman’s shelter abuse line and see how to get out of this situation safely, but quickly before you get sucked back in by his pity party. 

 

[Fudgie]

On 10/13/2021 at 6:56 PM, PeaSoup said:

 He knew it was wrong at the time but he thinks he semi justified it to himself since she was what he thought at the time was a "willing participant" 

Do you feel that he feels remorse for this? It doesn't really sound like it, to me, from what you've written.

I suppose in your shoes, I'd feel a little differently if it were clear that he tried once then was immediately repulsed/disgusted with himself, deeply regretted it, was truly ashamed, and had been seeking help for a while, long before even meeting you or mentioning it to you. 12/13 is old enough to know better also still quite young and it's possible that he was abused - who knows. But that's not the case here. 

What raises my eyebrows and would make me walk away, full stop, is that he did it more than once, threatened her to keep quiet, and admits he justified it to himself. Does he still justify it? Did he talk about it like she was willing?

That coupled with the past lying (about past cheating and lying about getting a STD test) all point to him being someone that you need to stay away from.

I think that seeing a therapist/psychologist is a wonderful idea. 

[Fudgie]

10 minutes ago, PeaSoup said:

Thank you, I have parents in town I can go see, but I think that's a good idea. I'm paralysed with fear. I need to talk to a therapist. I need to figure out a way to do this asap that also keeps me and my possessions and my credit score safe. 

I'm scared.

 

Go to your parents and tell them what happened. Tell them you need their help to get out of this situation and relationship. You're their daughter and they love you; they will help you. But talk to them ASAP, go to them in person and let it all out and tell them what you need in order to get out quickly and safely. 

[PeaSoup]

13 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

Do you feel that he feels remorse for this? It doesn't really sound like it, to me, from what you've written.

I suppose in your shoes, I'd feel a little differently if it were clear that he tried once then was immediately repulsed/disgusted with himself, deeply regretted it, was truly ashamed, and had been seeking help for a while, long before even meeting you or mentioning it to you. 12/13 is old enough to know better also still quite young and it's possible that he was abused - who knows. But that's not the case here. 

What raises my eyebrows and would make me walk away, full stop, is that he did it more than once, threatened her to keep quiet, and admits he justified it to himself. Does he still justify it? Did he talk about it like she was willing?

That coupled with the past lying (about past cheating and lying about getting a STD test) all point to him being someone that you need to stay away from.

I think that seeing a therapist/psychologist is a wonderful idea. 

Thank you. I asked him more and he told me he does seem incredibly remorseful and has been thinking about it at least a couple of times a week since it happened and he's been thinking about confessing for a long time, but believes she doesn't remember and didn't know what to do. He has had a lot of guilt because his sister is severely obese and he was always worried that her overeating problem may have stemmed from what he did. He was also scared of going to prison.

He does not talk about it like she was willing. He says he tricked her and made it into a game. At the time he says he felt really bad but then she was laughing like it was a game so I think that's maybe how he justified doing it again? I don't know. He's also very confused about why he only did it to her but not his other sisters or kids he babysat or anything and never had any desire to. 

He said he saw documentaries where predators say not to tell and it always killed him because it reminded him of what he said. And he doesn't know where he came up with that part. But obviously he knew it was wrong then and now.

He had an alcohol problem for a long time, the binge kind rather than the physical addiction kind, and quit around the pandemic starting, which was around when we started dating, though i knew him for a few years prior. 

I do think he may have been abused. He has very little memory of being younger than nine, which I have read is a frequent sign. One of his few memories is that throughout his life, his mother, who has undiganosed NPD according to him and his older sister, would wake him up crying in the night to talk to him about her problems, starting from as early as he can remember and all through high school. On schoolnights, as well. Her father beat her and I know called her a "***" many times when she was a teenager so I am wondering if it could have been either from her or from his grandfather. It's hard to believe a mom would do that, and part of me suspects that her father abused her sexually (I mean calling your daughter a *** is beyond the realms of even bad verbal abuse...it enters a different territory). 

I'm just really scared and feel like a bad person for still being in my apartment with him, and feel kind of berated by some of the comments here bcause I am not justifying his behavior, just trying to figure out how to keep myself safe. But I also have to work and secure a place and it's not as easy as just getting up and calling UHaul. 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, PeaSoup said:

He was also scared of going to prison.

Ok, if you are stuck in a lease, then you'll have to psychologically distance yourself from this. Do not coddle or entertain any further discussion. 

[DancingFool]

OK first is deep breath. Second is that you need to stop having these conversations with him. It doesn't do either of you any good, but it may lead you into feeling sorry for him and getting manipulated into sticking around for more. Next time he brings it up, change the topic. Keep in mind that if he really was oh so sorry, he'd be talking to a psychiatrist and getting help for himself instead of dumping this on you. Again, this is manipulative and you have to stop this topic from carrying on.

Third is start getting together your important documents and put them somewhere safe outside of your apartment, lock down your credit, quietly change your bank accounts and get new credit card numbers and have it all sent to your parents or a PO Box. Do all that quietly so he doesn't know and can't get into things.

You are correct in that you need to make a plan to get out and it's not as simple as call the movers today. Read your lease and see if there is an out clause and if there isn't one, talk to your landlord and see if they'll let you out of your lease under the circumstances even if for a fee.

Lean on your family temporarily if you think they'll help you. If not, friends or just get together a deposit for a new place. Do not tell him where you are going.

Making an exit plan does take time, patience, and planning. Also, absolutely find a therapist or psychiatrist to help you and be your support, including a resource in how to get out.

Most importantly, do not forget or ignore that during your relationship he lied to you about major significant things and that's who he is. It doesn't matter why he does what he does because nobody can fix that, it only matters that he does - you can't trust his word and that is reason alone to leave.

[PeaSoup]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

OK first is deep breath. Second is that you need to stop having these conversations with him. It doesn't do either of you any good, but it may lead you into feeling sorry for him and getting manipulated into sticking around for more. Next time he brings it up, change the topic. Keep in mind that if he really was oh so sorry, he'd be talking to a psychiatrist and getting help for himself instead of dumping this on you. Again, this is manipulative and you have to stop this topic from carrying on.

Third is start getting together your important documents and put them somewhere safe outside of your apartment, lock down your credit, quietly change your bank accounts and get new credit card numbers and have it all sent to your parents or a PO Box. Do all that quietly so he doesn't know and can't get into things.

You are correct in that you need to make a plan to get out and it's not as simple as call the movers today. Read your lease and see if there is an out clause and if there isn't one, talk to your landlord and see if they'll let you out of your lease under the circumstances even if for a fee.

Lean on your family temporarily if you think they'll help you. If not, friends or just get together a deposit for a new place. Do not tell him where you are going.

Making an exit plan does take time, patience, and planning. Also, absolutely find a therapist or psychiatrist to help you and be your support, including a resource in how to get out.

Most importantly, do not forget or ignore that during your relationship he lied to you about major significant things and that's who he is. It doesn't matter why he does what he does because nobody can fix that, it only matters that he does - you can't trust his word and that is reason alone to leave.

Thank you. I keep bringing it up because I don't understand. It's definitely my bad. I keep asking and trying to figure it out. I'm just going to not mention it and ask him to just talk to his therapist because I know I am also obsessing and freaking out and it's not helping me.

We are financially separate, and I have a lot of savings, so I'm OK on that front. I just have to figure out the lease.

But good advice on making an exit plan with a therapist. I have one I talk to about depression and we have an appointment on Tuesday. 

He has an appointment with a therapist for Monday. 

I appreciate your message a lot. 

[PeaSoup]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, if you are stuck in a lease, then you'll have to psychologically distance yourself from this. Do not coddle or entertain any further discussion. 

OK thanks. I think I am bringing more stress on myself by keeping asking how he could do this and if he felt bad and how much he thinks about it and has he ever been abused and I ask too many questions to try to figure it out. And it's not helping me. I can't focus and I can't get it out of my head and have awful dreams every night and wake up in pools of sweat. Fortunately we have separate bedrooms anyway because he snores. 

[Fudgie]

PeaSoup,

At the end of the day, the relationship is over for you. Maybe he was abused, ok, let's assume that he was - that doesn't make it okay. Same thing with remorse. Remorse doesn't excuse what happened, it's only a part of the beginning of moving forward with one's life into recovery. 

What bothers me about this is that he did it multiple times yet states that he doesn't know why he did it and that he doesn't know where he got the idea to threaten her. There's a lot of denial going on with him. He needs professional help and I'm doubtful he's going to get it in a real capacity. 

He is saddled with some terrible, horrific stuff, some of it is his doing, some of it is not. When you are yoked to him in a relationship, then in some ways, his s__t becomes your s__t simply because you are yoked together in this relationship. And what he is bringing forward is TERRIBLE and affecting you negatively so much already. 

Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you have sworn a lifetime oath to stay with that person no matter what, even if it kills you. You are well within your right to look at a situation, even a marriage, and say "yeah, you know what, things have changed in a way that makes this relationship unhealthy for me and not possible to continue and I need to walk away." 

Alleviate yourself of that guilt and walk away, if for no other reason than your own mental and emotional wellbeing. This is far beyond what you are comfortable and can handle and that's okay but that means you need to recognize that and get yourself out promptly. 

No more perseverating about the situation. You can dissect it all you want and go through the details in your head but at the end of the day, it's still a load of s__t and your hands are going to smell and you'll be unhappy. So take a shower of this and call your parents. Meet up and ask them to help you wash this man out of your life so you can find something healthier for you. 

[MissCanuck]

Absolutely do not go to his sister with this. 

It is her story to share,and you have no idea what sort of trauma it might trigger for her. It is their issue to deal with, not yours to insert yourself in. 

I agree with the others to start making an exit plan with your therapist and landlord. There won't be any way to come back from this. Stay strong. 

[PeaSoup]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Absolutely do not go to his sister with this. 

It is her story to share,and you have no idea what sort of trauma it might trigger for her. It is their issue to deal with, not yours to insert yourself in. 

I agree with the others to start making an exit plan with your therapist and landlord. There won't be any way to come back from this. Stay strong. 

I agree completely, I wasn't going to take that suggestion. I want to stay out of this, as long as I know that he is working with a counselor and dealing with it. If he had no plans to do that then I might feel a moral obligation to talk to one of his parents for the safety of their grandkids, but he's dealing with this head on.

[PeaSoup]

1 hour ago, Fudgie said:

There's a lot of denial going on with him. He needs professional help and I'm doubtful he's going to get it in a real capacity. 

 

I'm curious what you mean. Are counselors able to help with this stuff? I don't know a lot about this subject to be honest. He's going to a therapist in a couple of days. Are they not able to help? I know it requires specialization, but am just wondering if there's been studies showing that this kind of stuff is beyond repair?

[Fudgie]

Just now, PeaSoup said:

I'm curious what you mean. Are counselors able to help with this stuff? I don't know a lot about this subject to be honest. He's going to a therapist in a couple of days. Are they not able to help? I know it requires specialization, but am just wondering if there's been studies showing that this kind of stuff is beyond repair?

Just because someone goes to therapy doesn't mean that they will actually improve or not re-offend. That's not really the fault of the therapist but it has to do with the patient. Sure, so he's going to therapy, big deal - he can still lie to the therapist or downplay and continue his denials and rationalizations about the situation. You don't even know if he would tell the therapist what really happened. 

Regardless of what happens with him, be ready to wash your hands of him. This is not your circus, not your monkeys. His recovery is not your responsibility and if he is going to re-offend, then he will and there is nothing you will be able to do about it so there's no point in worrying more. 

You did the right thing in encouraging him to see someone - up to him if he utilizes that resource appropriately. You did all you can do.