Dating a recent divorcee

[StandTall]

I met a woman in her mid thirties just over a month ago, and have been on 9 or so great dates with her. She is in the process of a divorce and has two young children. She has been very hesitant to introduce dates to her kids as she doesn't want to confuse them. I understand this and am OK with it. Since we met, it has felt like we are growing closer, although I feel like I am more intense than her. Anyhow, we both have ads on a dating site, and I tried to approach the topic of being exclusive, and she gently dodged it. I decided to just enjoy her company and let nature take it's course. I was out of town for several days, and when I returned, not only had she visited the site- She updated her photos. I am really confused about how to react to this. The fact that she is still actively updating her online ad makes me feel as though I may be wasting my time. She is getting a divorce because her ex cheated, and I understand that there may be some walls up. Is there anything I can do to better understand where she stands? Thanks.

 

-Hurting

[punchy504]

just give her space and understand that she will not be ready for any type of exclusivity for quite some time, she's in date mode not mate mode

[kenneth05]

>Is there anything I can do to better understand where she stands?

 

you've had nine dates, she hasn't introduced you to her kids, and she updated her photos on a dating site??

it's clear where you stand with her. time to move on.

[DN]

I agree with kenneth05 - why waste your time? I would look for someone else - just as she appears to be doing.

[StandTall]

It's ironic, but I asked her flat out if she wanted to date one guy, and she said yes. She also specified that in her ad. I did meet one of her children once with the premise that I was a friend, and she told me that no one else had met them. I want to be understanding, but don't want to be played for a fool.

[kungfumaster]

this year alone, i've dated two recent divorcees (actually, one is just separated, the other one just ran away?), and to tell you the honest truth, i think you should just move on (unless you just want to be friends with them, which is cool).

 

they are in a mess (please, no offense to recent divorcees - its understandable that they are in healing mode). nothing will remotely resemble or feel like a "normal" relationship until they have fully healed, which could be a looooooooong time. there's so many mixed messages, i just got fed up and just gave up.

 

anyways, that's just my opinion.

[StandTall]

She also mentioned wanting to go away with another couple for the holiday weekend, so it's easy to see how I could be confused here.

[Iceman26]

>Is there anything I can do to better understand where she stands?

 

you've had nine dates, she hasn't introduced you to her kids, and she updated her photos on a dating site??

it's clear where you stand with her. time to move on.

 

I heartily agree with this. It sounds like she is in pursuit of the BBD (Bigger Better Deal) if she is posting and updating her online profile. She is definetly leaving herself open to get hit on by other guys, which speaks volumes of the fact that she is looking to meet someone else. I mean you would think that if she was into you, she would delete the profile, or at least not update it, you know?

 

You would be better off finding someone without all the baggage she has.

[annie24]

Ok - please don't yell at me guys! I just wanted to interject that several dating books (which your lady may have purchased now that she is back in the dating scene) state, "do not take down your online profile until he asks you to be exclusive."

 

*just a possibility* Yes, I understand where the guys here are coming from - she's updating her profile.... when you said that you approached her about being exclusive, how did you do it? Is it possible that she's a little dense and didn't get it?

 

I dunno -- it's a little risky - to ask her again. It is possible that if you go back to the site and start dating other women, this lady may realize that she does want you and she'll start chasing you.

 

But - I do agree overall with KungFu - she's going through a really rough time - probably just needs to get out of the house and watch movies and go to dinner with her dates - I don't know if she's looking to find the love of her life so fast. And if she is, that shows that she's got some emotional issues and can't be alone.

 

Good luck!

[StandTall]

I appreciate all of the great advice. I called her the other night, and it seems most of her plans do not involve me. I wrote her an e-mail today to seek clarification because we really didn't talk much on the phone. I understand it probably won't accomplish much, but I had to know that my thoughts got accross. I can safely say that if this does not work out, I will not make an attempt to be with someone carrying so much baggage. I am really hurting today, and it sucks to find myself in this place again.

[Iceman26]

Try not to feel too bad about it man. You win some and you lose some, you know?

 

Think of it this way, she'll be some other guys headache. He'll have to deal with her baggage from her divorce and her kids. Meanwhile, hopefully you will move on to someone who will treat with more respect. Good luck.

[StandTall]

I have totally tried to think that way- "What am I doing with a woman who is not even divorced with 2 kids"? I treated her like gold, and this is how she acts towards me? No wonder her husband went elsewhere seeking love. Am I angry- Yes, a tad.

[StandTall]

I would have been more understanding had she told me that she isn't ready for something like this, but I don't understand why she is just blowing me off like this. I even wrote her a nice e-mail asking if everything is OK, trying to understand her thought process, but I haven't heard back. People like this are toxic and go around hurting others, yet they can't understand it when they get hurt.

[annie24]

Hey - don't get so angry. You already know that if she isn't even divorced yet, she isn't in the proper state of mind to really devote herself to a relationship. Don't get down about it. Just delete her phone number and ask out another woman. Good luck!

[StandTall]

I will do that Aniie, but I am upset because I asked her flat out where she was at, and she told me that she was over it and wanted to meet someone great. If she felt differently, I would have appreciated being told rather than being blown off slowly and having to pry it from her.

[annie24]

Oh - she probably doesn't know what she wants. I remember having a conversation with my friend. I told her I was looking for a "casual relationship." She said - "No you're not Annie! Casual means that you wouldn't care if you never saw them again. That and if you say "casual relationship" many men will just think "bed buddies!" You're looking for a dating / bf relationship."

 

She was right. Perhaps this lady is also deluding herself. She thinks she wants a relationship, when she is really looking for a fun man to see movies with who will take her to nice restaurants and tell her how nice she looks.

[StandTall]

I am going to go to the movies tonight and put her out of my head. I just really feel like a sucker. This kind of thing makes me not want to date. Everything seems so great at first, and I am never able to see something like this coming. It has become a broken record.

[annie24]

Yes. Go to the movies. I guess, just be more careful who you get feelings for. And if a woman says she just got out of a long-term relationship, don't get any further involved. Good luck!

[StandTall]

Thanks Annie. You're OK, even if you are a girl.

[kungfumaster]

You're OK, even if you are a girl.

 

woah - where did that come from? annie has been very helpful to you, and there's no need for that! annie is okay whether she is a girl or not.

 

Its a shame she's a girl though j/k!! no really - annie's ausome.

 

yah, go to the movies - just try to get her out of your mind.

 

i wouldn't get so mad at her... it takes two to tango you know, its not like you were forced to date her.

 

like annie said, just be careful the ladies you pick to be "potentials" in the future. this will save a lot of heartache and drama you just experienced. you learn for experience (like me this year) that some ladies are just not ready for any type of serious relationship... and hence, you would just be wasting your time (unless you just want to be friends, which is cool).

 

take care standtall - don't look at this experience as a bad one - look at it as a learning experience, in which you've learned to hone your radar on which ladies are ready for something special... i.e., you!! haha!

[annie24]

[StandTall]

Everyone has been very helpful. Thanks for making a difficult day a bit easier.

[Falucchi]

Generally, it's not a good idea to date legally married women.

Just doesn't really work out well in the end, despite all this "separated stuff"

[btbt]

Chiming in because I have been dating a recently divorced man who dragged me on a emotional roller coaster (well, I got on the ride willingly). I'm wavering between feeling bitter and realizing that many times these people don't know what they are going through and say one thing, act another way and vice versa. You either have to be really patient, persistent, and may be a little masochistic, and see things through, or realize that your time is better spent elsewhere. It really hurt me to realize this but I've spent too many days moping about to feel like I want to continue my relationship. Still, in the back of my mind I maintain some hope -- maybe my pulling back will bring him back -- but for now, I have to convince myself that I am letting go to the point of actually letting go so that I can maintain my own happiness. I wish you luck. I've know how much it sucks to have a bad day because of someone you care for.