Should I break up with my girlfriend?

[nothotman]

Should I break up with my girlfriend?

Tldr: I found out my girlfriend has been lying to me for over a year  and recently came upon a video of her having sex with another man. She doesn't want to break up. Her father is visiting us and I have to make a choice.

Background:

We moved in together really quick because at the time, I needed to move out of the country for a new job.

After the first few months of us living in the new city, she started meeting black men (I am black she is white and we live in a predominantly white country)

During the course of a year, we have had fights over this, because these black men she would freely give her number kept growing in her contact list. I estimate about 25 black men were in her contacts, she estimated 15.

 At the beginning she was telling me that she was meeting this black man named Carl for coffee with his girlfriend (always the 3 of them she said, but I could never confirm the existence of such girlfriend). In order to calm my nerve, she invited him over for lunch. I could tell from the way he was looking at her that he was eye ***ing her.

One day at night, we were both looking at her phone for some reason and Carl sends her "I love you". I get mad, she tells me that he said it in a friendly way but agreed with me to stop seeing him. That's just one out of the 25.

I kept growing more and more paranoid and suspicious about her. I woke up one morning at 2 am to see that she went to the kitchen to chat with a black man. We had a fight and the conclusion of that fight was that she would not delete her conversations with men.

She would receive random messages from a man saying "ok". She would tell me some lie about how men send her random messages with no sense. I knew she was lying and just kept deleting the preceding conversations.

We kept fighting for over a year. She should have seen how this was affecting me.

I caught her in a conversation with a man that was saved under a female name on her contact list. She deleted the conversation but I took her phone and started recording all the suspicious numbers of men on my phone. She was trying to prevent me from doing this but I use my force to keep her from reaching my phone. She eventually got my phone and locked herself in the bathroom. She deleted the numbers I recorded from my phone and her phone. While I was trying to get into the bathroom I got so mad that I punch the door of the bathroom bloody. I broke the door.

She promised me things were going to be different.

Fast forward some time, there was a period where we didn't fight over this for two whole months (it was nice).

One day I woke up and went to the living room. Saw him talking to another man. She ran to the kitchen and deleted the conversation. I took her phone by force and ran outside the house with a shirt during winter (it was very cold).

I saw that the man sent the message "text me when it is safe so I don't get you in trouble".

So I texted him that it was safe now. Long story short I managed to get pictures of all the little dates they had together and pictures of then kissing each other on the cheeks (she claims this was innocent)

I get mad and then we had another fight. I asked her before confronting her whether there's something I should know about. She said nothing. She said absolutely nothing. When I confronted her, she told me the pictures were innocent and nothing else happened.

She blamed everything that happened to her being out of medication. She hit her head when she was little and has mental issues ever since. She stop taking medication around the time we moved in together.

I accepted that until the man send her a porno of the two of them having sex. Threatening her that if she doesn't talk to him, he would send this to me.

She claimed that it wasn't her. When she saw that wasn't working, she claimed that it was her in body but not in mind. She claims she was raped by this man.

I took the matter to police. She claims she was drugged.

There are some weird stuff around her explanations. They were both having coffee (in secret, without telling me) and he gave her a pill for headaches which he put inside the drink and she just drank it because I guess that's normal. Then she felt sleepy and instead of going home she decided to sleep it off at a stranger's room because I would ask questions if I saw her sleepy at home (because I guess she couldn't make up something like I am tired, she has been very skilled at lying so far).

Then 30 minutes after she passed out came home made lunch, had lunch with me, I was none the wiser, and then she left the house again that day during the afternoon, came back around 18:00 left at 14:00. To do what? Have a walk.

She is not employed or studying full time. She only studies English, so that she can join the university when she ready. But then covid happened.

She would go out every day, every morning between 09:00 to 11:00. But lately she added also going out between 14:00 and 18:00. I suspect this addition was to accommodate the work schedule of one of the men she meets.

Since all of that happened, she has gone on to medication. An antidepressant and taking therapy. She tells me now she doesn't feel the need to go out every day and that with therapy and understanding her mental issues she hopes to never lie to me again.

She says I shouldn't break up with her now because now she is getting help with her mental issues that lead her to behave this way and that she will improve.

My job is very stressful. I make good money but that's because the work is tough. While she was going out meeting men I was always working. I need time to rest after work but I told I would go with her so that she didn't have to go out alone if she waited for me to finish work. She always refused.

The stress of her behaviour has been damaging my health and my throughput at work.

I sympathize with her mental issues but I cannot understand why she wouldn't stop seeing the effect her behaviour was having on me. I am breaking apart

I fear the rape is just another lie to cover up  what she has done. So far she hasn't admitted to willfully cheating on me. The 25 black men were there just to make me jealous she claims because I was too busy with work and rest to give the attention she deserved.

Any advice would be great. I need an objective voice because in my state I can't think clearly.

 

[MissCanuck]

There is zero reason to stay with her. 

You should have been done a long time ago. 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, nothotman said:

We moved in together really quick because at the time, I needed to move out of the country for a new job.

You need to move out and get your own place. Most of your story is about distrust and prejudice. 

That's all you can do. Move out either before or after her family visits and get your own place.

Why did you move out sooner if you thinks she is having sex with all sorts of men?

 

[Kwothe28]

Why do you torture yourself like that? She is unable to take guilt for her own actions. First she did nothing, then she wanted to make you jealous, when you found out then she was raped and then it was her mental issues. You should have been gone the second you found out somebody writes her "I love you". Instead you stayed and was even accomplice in her lies. That kind of person will never take responsability for her own action. It will always be something else. After everything she did, there is trully zero reasons for you to stay. Unless you enjoy drama and her going behind your back and then blaming it on something else.

[mical]

Sorry about this.

Its her nature to be deceptive. I once dated someone like that and it was horrible.

Do yourself a favour and find someone loyal and honest. She is not worth your time.

I can imagine with having a job with lots of responsibility (and stress) it’s crucial to have peace of mind.

Shes just bringing drama and headaches to your life and there’s no way she would change. 

It would actually get a LOT worse after having children together. 

there is a quote, “Choose very carefully the person that you spend your life with, because 95% of your happiness or your misery will come from that one decision.”
 

It’s a pretty wise statement and very true.

[MissCanuck]

OP, I don't mean to be funny - but are you sure she's not working as an escort? Advertising herself somewhere?

She's amassing an unusually large amount of numbers and meet-ups. It seems a bit more to me than a woman who's just a run-of-the-mill cheater. 

[nothotman]

  

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, I don't mean to be funny - but are you sure she's not working as an escort? Advertising herself somewhere?

She's amassing an unusually large amount of numbers and meet-ups. It seems a bit more to me than a woman who's just a run-of-the-mill cheater. 

 

I provide her with more than enough money for anything she wants. Why would she go on escort? The man she was going on little dates with was a bus driver. This isn't about money.

[MissCanuck]

51 minutes ago, nothotman said:

  I provide her with more than enough money for anything she wants. Why would she go on escort? The man she was going on little dates with was a bus driver. This isn't about money.

You're right, it's not about money. 

That wasn't my point. My point is that she is collecting all these numbers and going to have sex with men...where is she meeting  all of them that she gets random guys' contact information and addresses? 

[Rose Mosse]

Why are you staying with her? Break loose and find your freedom and independence in this new country. Do you need her for anything? 

Taking something from someone by force is never justified. You should not have taken the phone. Punching the door violently only makes you a terrifying and violent man. Leave the relationship and don’t look for more evidence that she’s cheating or sincere about her mental health. 

Ask yourself instead why you’re in this situation. You know enough so end this charade and move on.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, nothotman said:

  I provide her with more than enough money for anything she wants. 

Excellent. That means you can start looking for a place of your own and move out asap.

[nothotman]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. That means you can start looking for a place of your own and move out asap.

We live in my place, if we were to break up I would have to evict her and she will have to move out of the country.

[catfeeder]

Our job in any relationship is to get to KNOW a person.

Even while we may love more as we learn more, it's important to recognize when another person is best loved from far away.

This is one of those instances. Heed that, and you will thank yourself later.

[Anonymous]

Yes break up you need to move out and get your own place.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, nothotman said:

We moved in together really quick because at the time, I needed to move out of the country for a new job.

Ok. Your story makes no sense. Including videos of her having sex with other men etc.

[nothotman]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Your story makes no sense. Including videos of her having sex with other men etc.

 

We both met in country A. I had a job offer in country B. In order to remain together, she needed to move in with me in country B. What's so hard to understand?

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, nothotman said:

What's so hard to understand?

Why you continue to stay in this situation (can't call it a relationship when there are so many others involved) is hard to understand.

So what if she has to get her own place?  Many, many adults get jobs when they need money to support themselves.  She can too.

[Rose Mosse]

The relationship is dysfunctional and violent. Split up and don’t keep meeting the same type of woman. Change the way you approach issues in a relationship.  I ask again: Why are you staying with her or living together and do you need her for anything? 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, nothotman said:

In order to remain together, she needed to move in with me in country B. 

Was she having all sorts of sex and dates with men when you two were in country A?

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, nothotman said:

I caught her in a conversation with a man that was saved under a female name on her contact list. She deleted the conversation but I took her phone and started recording all the suspicious numbers of men on my phone. She was trying to prevent me from doing this but I use my force to keep her from reaching my phone. She eventually got my phone and locked herself in the bathroom. She deleted the numbers I recorded from my phone and her phone. While I was trying to get into the bathroom I got so mad that I punch the door of the bathroom bloody. I broke the door.

Should you break up? Ahh,, I say yeah.

No trust, fights... WHY remain with someone like this?

This whole relationship - if it is that- is damaging you.

 

[boltnrun]

One of my friends was in a relationship like this.  Everything that you described capped off by arrests for domestic violence.

By chance are there any non-prescription drugs involved?  Or prescription drugs not being used as prescribed or for whom they were prescribed?

[nothotman]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was she having all sorts of sex and dates with men when you two were in country A?

In country A she told me she slept in the same bed with a man for money but there wasn't any sex involved and it was before we started going out.

 

Which threw me off because her family is rich. She said she had anxiety that money would ran out and when she asked her father for money he told her to get a job. (She was attending university at the time)

[nothotman]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

One of my friends was in a relationship like this.  Everything that you described capped off by arrests for domestic violence.

By chance are there any non-prescription drugs involved?  Or prescription drugs not being used as prescribed or for whom they were prescribed?

Just CBD. And her going off meds.

[nothotman]

34 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The relationship is dysfunctional and violent. Split up and don’t keep meeting the same type of woman. Change the way you approach issues in a relationship.  I ask again: Why are you staying with her or living together and do you need her for anything? 

I don't need her for anything. I am financially sound. I guess I thought I could make it work.

[HappilyMarried1]

Hey @nothotmanI think you deep down really know what you have to do. I think you are here just wanting validation for it. She knows how you feel about it and has known for a long time yet she continues to do so. She has no respect for you and your relationship or she would not continue to do this. If you really want to continue to try this you are going to have to show some tough love if she doesn't want to do each of these things she must pack up and leave. 1) She has to give access to all of her communication at all times. 2) She no longer goes out alone with other black men. 3) Any other things and assurances you need for your relationship.

I personally don't think she will ever change and could possibly have a sexual addiction. Best of luck!

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, nothotman said:

In country A she told me she slept in the same bed with a man for money but there wasn't any sex involved and it was before we started going out

Ok so you know about her sex worker history. But took her to country B with you anyway?