Did my (ex) friend like my girlfriend? Messy af…

[anon2829]

Hi everyone. I’m here seeking opinions on a situation between my friend, my ex, and myself that happened over the last 2 years and is still affecting us today. To make it simple, I suspect my friend was falling hard for my ex girlfriend, but ultimately bailed out and is currently holding resentment  towards me. Let me explain how things went down. 

Background: My ex and I broke up 2 years ago around May. Prior to breaking up, I had a talk with my friend (Let’s call him Sam) about being too touchy with my girlfriend (let’s call her Angie). Sam’s original response was defensive. He asked why I haven’t told him to stop sooner. I was taken aback from his answer, but decided to let it go as he did apologize (though forcefully) afterwards. Fast forward to summer of that year, Angie and I are not together but have kept it friendly.  (The break up was mutual and unrelated to Sam)

 Angie and Sam start chit chatting throughout the summer, nothing happens between them, but there’s some light flirting going on in their DMs. Angie starts to realize she’s catching some feelings and asks Sam if they could meet up to discuss a few things (with the intent to clear the air Incas she doesn’t want him to get the wrong idea). Sam flip flops when asked to meet up, agreeing to meet up, then backing out, only to agree again, before ultimately (from that point on) ghosting Angie completely. Angie comes to me and tells me everything. She admits she feels something towards Sam, but that she was never planning on purposing him and send him a message clearing any misunderstandings. I let my ex know I appreciate her honesty, and assume my friend will come tell me about this eventually.

Well, my friend starts to ignore me in the following weeks and onward. He avoids my texts and whenever he did respond, he would state he was busy. When I managed to finally speak to him, I asked him if there was an intent behind chatting with Angie, and he declines, stating he did not like her. (I did not ask him about his feelings, keep that in mind…) After this, him and the rest of our mutual  friends avoid me, stop talking to me, and go as far as to block me. I fall into a deep depression, and Angie is the only person there for me (despite me *** talking her to all my friends in a fit of rage after I found out about her and Same chatting). 2 years later, and I have the opportunity to speak to Sam again. Angie and I are still friendly, but not together.

(This is the part where I would really appreciate everyone’s opinions, as it left me wondering on a few things.) 

Sam and I go at it again, only this time, I let him know that if he wanted a shot at Angie, and if he had harbored feelings for her, I would have been okay with it, but to give me some time before purposing anything with her. As soon as I stated this, the atmosphere changed in the room, and Sam didn’t look visibly as intense. His response to that was, “Well, I stayed away from her because you told me to, I did exactly what you asked me to do. But, I’m going to sit here and say it, she is really attractive.” 

(I don’t remember fully asking him to not talk to her back then, but I was really emotional and doing some trash talking on both things… as I always suspected they both had a thing for each other, so I could be wrong here.)

I was a little shocked at his straightforwardness, but laughed it off and agreed 100% with him. I didn’t want to push it further, because my thought progress was that he admitted to me he was interested but without saying it outright. However, when I spoke about this with another friend, he took it more as Sam implying he would hook up with her. Versus I feel like Same wanted the whole package with Angie, date her and eventually hook up with her. So now that you all know the context and a bit of background on this situation, how would you interpret Sam’s response? To be fair, he DID keep his distance from my ex, and he has continued to do so, but he also kept his distance from me and turned all our friends on me. Angie also caught Sam looking at her Instagram selfies highlight around 2/3am. The next day she was blocked and so I was (for no reason). This happened earlier this year in Feb, 2 years after he last spoke to her. I don’t know, how am I suppose to believe there wasn’t some feelings there? 

Btw thank you in advance to all that have read through to the end. It’s a long story and any opinions on Sam’s response are appreciated. And no, Sam and I are not friends but have hashed this situation out for good (I hope). 

[DancingFool]

It's been 2 years - long past due for you to get out of Annie's life and business. The problem with trying to stay friends with an ex is exactly this - life gets very very messy and you'll end up paying a price for that. What she does with who and how is absolutely no business or concern of yours since the day you and her broke up. Unfortunately, when you date someone, it's not easy to tolerate and stay out of.

I think it's time for you to stop lying to yourself how this was a mutual and friendly break up. It wasn't and you were obviously hurt and bothered. If it really had been so mutual, you wouldn't have been going around trash talking her and Sam to other mutual friends. The other factor is that you should have addressed things with Sam immediately by either letting him know that you are fine with him pursuing your ex or not, rather than getting upset behind his back. Again, problem with that is that people will opt to avoid drama, so you lost friends all around.

Ultimately, it's time for you to step away from your ex and all this drama for good and start making new real friends. Chalk this up to a life lesson learned. When you break up - let go completely.

[Rose Mosse]

35 minutes ago, anon2829 said:

Angie also caught Sam looking at her Instagram selfies highlight around 2/3am. The next day she was blocked and so I was (for no reason). This happened earlier this year in Feb, 2 years after he last spoke to her. I don’t know, how am I suppose to believe there wasn’t some feelings there? 

Why is Angie reporting about her love life to you? She doesn't owe you anything and vice versa. She's part of this drama that has you twisted in a knot but you are too blind to see that she's part of the problem. End any contact with Angie and cultivate other friendships outside of this friend group. I think your friend Sam has remained very respectful of you. Your ex needs to stay out of your life so that you can move on.

[Lambert]

how would you interpret Sam’s response?

I think Sam was following a form of "bro code" with you. He didn't want to do you wrong but it came at a cost. He resented you. He couldnt deal with the drama. Blocked you and Angie for his own sanity.

I don’t know, how am I suppose to believe there wasn’t some feelings there? 

So it's not enough for you that he or she didn't act. Their own feelings have to be what's best for you, too? 

Come on....

Not everything is about you.  Yes. You are the star of your own book but you're just one book in the whole library. Not everyone is going to read your book. 

And honestly, two years later, what are you doing to work on your own life and happiness? 

You're not with Angie, you've lost some friends... maybe it's all for the better. Move on.  Fall for someone else.  Sam and Angie Who?

[SooSad33]

I agree with the other's..

1) It's a bro code thing.  a friends ex?  Not going there/

2) has been abt 2 years, is time to let it all go.

3) She owes you nothing - vice versa.  You two are long done now. 

Is just time to let it all go, right?  Nothing's happened. Neither one of you are true friends?

As for what you asked/mentioned.. Did your friend have a thing for your ex? ( Possibly, he was attracted to her, but nothing came about).

some day this will not bother you anymore... we all grow up & move on.  yeah, I dated a cpl guys thru school... and even came across them again yrs later.... feelings are gone & we all moved on.

Is time to let this all go now.. and maybe seek out some 'new' friends- of which this had nothing to do with. ( IMO, If friends act out this way - block etc.. not so true friends - or they need to grow up & get a mind of their own, yes?).

 

[anon2829]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate them! I am actually going to therapy to get some help, as this made me realize I have a lot of unpacked childhood trauma to deal with. Definitely working towards aiding my depression. ✊🏻
 

As for the person that mentioned Angie twisting the drama, trust me she did nothing wrong. Either of them did! I just wanted to know if it appeared the same way to others as it did to me - that Sam was (and probably still is) attached to Angie. Can’t help but feel like I took something away from him, maybe her, but everyone is right. Time to move on. Thank you everyone!! 

[anon2829]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why is Angie reporting about her love life to you? She doesn't owe you anything and vice versa. She's part of this drama that has you twisted in a knot but you are too blind to see that she's part of the problem. End any contact with Angie and cultivate other friendships outside of this friend group. I think your friend Sam has remained very respectful of you. Your ex needs to stay out of your life so that you can move on.

She thought I had finally spoken to Sam, and asked if we were on speaking/good terms again - I sincerely didn’t sense any ill will from her telling me this. I do know it made her a little uncomfortable but she definitely wasn’t trying to start drama or anything of the sort. 

[Rose Mosse]

You did not take anything away from anyone. Get rid of that guilt as it's misplaced. 

You deserve to live a full and happy life. Acknowledge the past but stop paying homage to it. Travel light. 

 

[MissCanuck]

You need to distance yourself from both these people - your ex in particular. 

It seems they liked each other and were attracted to each other, but didn't actually get together because they wanted to respect you. But it's still there. Why Angie is sharing the play-by-play with you, I have no idea. 

But you need to take a lot of space from her. You are too involved in her private life, even if she's offering this information unsolicitied. She didn't do "nothing wrong" - she needlessly put you in the middle of her drama and that was incredibly insensitive to you. You have your blinders on about this woman. It's not healthy for you to be this close to her anymore. Time to expand your social circle and get better boundaries for yourself. 

 

[SherrySher]

I agree, you didn't take anything away from anyone, however, 2 years is a long time and to be fair, neither had to report back to you on if they were dating, were thinking of dating, or even thinking of hooking up.

Even the fact that your ex decided to start telling you when Sam was looking at her pics and what time, is very immature and to be honest, I can see why Sam said "to heck with both of you", and blocked.

I feel like the best response you should have had right from the start when Angie started telling you about Sam, was to tell her it's her business, not yours and you don't want to get in the middle of it and ask her to not involve you.

As for Sam, no need to say anything to him or confront him at all. He did nothing wrong and he has every right to find Angie attractive and to date or sleep with her is he choses to do so....without your consent.

If this had happened 6 months or less after you broke up, then I can see why people would tread lightly, but 2 years? No, none of the drama should have happened.

And yes, Angie was at fault, she stirred the pot and threw you in the middle when there was no reason to.

 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, anon2829 said:

Prior to breaking up, I had a talk with my friend (Let’s call him Sam) about being too touchy with my girlfriend (let’s call her Angie).

I am sorry, what? If that happened while you were together both are trash. He would have never told you if it wasnt for confrontation and she would have never told you if she wasnt rejected. After you broke up its a fair game but still you dont do that before you check with friend if its OK. So, take your steps and remove yourself from those people. Trust me, you would be happier.

[mical]

Id be more concerned with your girl wanting to meet up with him when she had feelings for him. I think it's just BS she wanted to "meet up" just to "clear the air" that sounds just like lies..

I think your friend was just very attracted to her and trying to keep distance, but still crossing the line here and there.

I once dated a girl and a mutual acquaintance of ours messaged her if I was there, I noticed the message and told her to say I am gone, and he said to her that I was seeing another woman (which was a lie) and he wanted her.

So yes, there are pathetic people like this...

I personally would start dating someone else and leave these people out of your life.

Its soo complete BS about wanting to meet up with him to clear her feelings. So stupid.