Should I say or should I not?

[gwen87]

After 5 years I met him again. Somehow that day I just felt, I knew I would. As I learned he’s been in a relationship for 2 years now. We have never really been together, I was too young and confused, he was serious and I could not deal with it. It was quite a hectic relationship, almost getting together, sthen saying goodbye, and it went on and on and on. Gosh I had my first kiss with him. It was over because of me but after all these years I learned he was really a man anyone could hope for. Sacrificing, caring, loving, all fun. After 5 years of experiences, boys, tears, laughs, nights with friends I just realized he was that special one all along… Karma showed me how I treated him by giving me the opportunity to meet a real douchebag who did the same to me as I did to him that time. It was not deliberate, I was just not even aware what I was doing, or even feeling, I was 17. Not that young, but still—After things ended with karma-sent guy he just appeared after 5 years. I know he felt something, too. He kept avoiding me the whole night. We met with our friends and he was there with his gf too. Our mutual friends said that I would always be a weak spot for him that is why he tried to avoid me the whole night. When he thought we left and turned around and caught a glimpse of me, I could see he was almost shocked, then turned back and chugged the wine all at once. I know it’s selfish but I just liked that moment, it gave me hope… After they left for a few blocks we went after them, bc we live the same direction, but he hasn’t even hugged his gf all the way. Next they I wrote him. In my first sentence I asked him no to misunderstand my gesture of texting him. I asked for his forgiveness for my foolish behavior and that I hope there will not be any awkward moments in the future like that night was. Also I wrote him I hope he is doing well and that may the future bring anything, I am ready for it in proper timing and asked him to take care. I don’t know what I was hoping but he has not replied. That was 1 week ago. And I really do not know what’s next. Honestly I don’t even remember our last conversation…I do not want to be a relationship wrecker but at least one decent conversation…Is it too much to hope for or want? What do you guys thing? Thx for reading.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, gwen87 said:

I don’t know what I was hoping but he has not replied. That was 1 week ago. 

It would be best to leave him alone. He may have an old crush but years have gone by and he's in a relationship.

This isn't about him. This is about whatever is happening in your life now and whatever discontent you are experiencing.

 

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, gwen87 said:

he has not replied. That was 1 week ago

He is not interested. 

Your friends were filling your head with baseless assumptions, and you were projecting. His silence is your indication that he does not want what you want. 

Leave him be now, so you can leave him in your past and move on. 

[Batya33]

Please leave him alone unless you want to contact him and suggest that he and his girlfriend double date with you (meaning when you are involved with someone else) - if you want a friendship with him then you also have to show you want to get to know his girlfriend.  Otherwise yes you are acting in a selfish way.  Here's a story.  I ended a relationship -serious -i the early 90s.  5 years later I knew we were going to see each other at a mutual friend's party.  I was dating someone else but yes intrigued at the thought of seeing him after all that time.  He seemed to show what you're thinking is "interest" - he was tongue tied, uncomfortable but in that way one would think was interest, etc.  Staring at me.

Five years later I was visiting his city where he'd moved.  We were in very infrequent/casual touch but he asked me to meet him for coffee.  I didn't think he wanted to get back together (and I wasn't dating anyone seriously) but I was intrigued and yes a bit excited.  We had a lovely time having coffee.  And he told me that about a year after we broke up he realized he was gay and he wanted to tell me this in person, now, and that he'd been involved with someone for years (yes including at the time I saw him in the late 90s but he didn't bring his male partner because of the stigma). 

So what I thought could be interest was his inner conflict not knowing whether to take me aside and share his news with me then.  So please please do not read into things.  Especially since you'd be reacting in a way that could hurt his girlfriend and his relationship.  He didn't respond for the very simple reason that he's not interested in you whether it's because he is involved or because he just isn't.  Silence =lack of interest.  

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He is not interested. 

Your friends were filling your head with baseless assumptions, and you were projecting. His silence is your indication that he does not want what you want. 

Leave him be now, so you can leave him in your past and move on. 

Sorry OP. These were my exact thoughts as well.

Another perspective:

He avoided you because he didn't want to talk to you. 

He may have been shocked to see you and guzzled his wine because he was preparing for you to make a scene or mess things up with his girl.

Why would not hugging his girlfriend mean anything?

You don't know what is happening with them.  She may not like that kind of PDA or who knows! 

17 is very young in romantic relationship terms. As is 22, 5 years later. 

You said your peace. Delete his number and never bother him again.

Something for you to consider going forward with men:

In general, they are pretty easy to read.  If they are interested, they act. 

It's when they're not interested, we make excuses and narratives about how they are incapable of acting because of their feelings. (Actually men and woman are this way) 

Always interpret mixed signals, avoidance, etc as a not interested. You will save yourself a lot of time and heartache

[Rose Mosse]

If you have him so high up on a pedestal how will you ever get a good look at what he is? Even if he responds to you while in a relationship, is this person worth trusting or pursuing? Meet other people, men and women, get involved with school and and volunteer. Work on other projects on the side, do well in your classes, get a part time job. 

Crushes are fine but attempting to text or get the attention of someone who's in a relationship will only come back to bite you in the backside later. Focus on your own life and look for better, worthier things to pursue. 

[DancingFool]

I don't want to be a relationship breaker. Proceeds to contact a guy in a relationship. Yeah.......

I don't know if you were toxic at 17 or if you are just over dramatizing your past and were simply a normal 17 year old who rightfully shouldn't have been involved or ready for anything serious. However, you are definitely acting toxic today. Please stop that and stay away from this guy. His silence is telling you everything you need to know - he is not interested.

As for you, please get your head screwed on straight. Dating some d-bag and getting hurt isn't Karma, it's just life experience. Now you hopefully know what a d bag looks like and will avoid them in the future. It's not a license for you to start chasing guys in relationships just because you've known them in the past. In fact at your age bracket, 5 years is a small lifetime and people change a lot. You don't know him and whether he is all that or not at all. So please don't put him on this imaginary pedestal of greatness. Usually, idols end up having clay feet, OP. 

[gwen87]

Guys this is so heartbreaking either way--- :'(((

[boltnrun]

33 minutes ago, gwen87 said:

Guys this is so heartbreaking either way--- :'(((

It's disappointing, but surely there are plenty of single men you could date.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, gwen87 said:

Guys this is so heartbreaking either way--- :'(((

Only heartbreaking because you chose to attach yourself to an unavailable fantasy.  Imagine the heartbreak if you lured him away from his girlfriend and then he went for greener grass once he had his fill of you. 

[gwen87]

You are absolutely right, all of you. Thank you for all your comments. Deep down I feel what you say, too. Sometimes it just feels like I will never find happiness---

[SooSad33]

23 hours ago, gwen87 said:

We have never really been together, I was too young and confused, he was serious and I could not deal with it. It was quite a hectic relationship, almost getting together, sthen saying goodbye, and it went on and on and on.

I feel your chance has passed, back 5 yrs ago.

what is done is done.  He has moved on. and I feel, out of respect you just leave it at that. Done now.

Time to leave him alone & move along , yourself.

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, gwen87 said:

You are absolutely right, all of you. Thank you for all your comments. Deep down I feel what you say, too. Sometimes it just feels like I will never find happiness---

It will feel that way if you make choices that are highly risky as far as working out in your favor.  You don’t find happiness.  You make choices large and small that contribute to leading a life that is consistent with your values and standards and then you will attract people who feel the same. Happiness is abstract and can’t be “found “ other than in abstract fantasies.  
 

[Rose Mosse]

40 minutes ago, gwen87 said:

You are absolutely right, all of you. Thank you for all your comments. Deep down I feel what you say, too. Sometimes it just feels like I will never find happiness---

And what is your interpretation of happiness? I ask out of curiosity. It means different things to different people.

[gwen87]

My interpretation of happiness is when I don't have to suppress my emotions just because my brain knows they are not right, or what I feel can not be that way.

[Rose Mosse]

12 minutes ago, gwen87 said:

My interpretation of happiness is when I don't have to suppress my emotions just because my brain knows they are not right, or what I feel can not be that way.

Make other choices then and find yourself among company where you don't have to suppress yourself so much. As Batya pointed out you can make better choices, wiser choices that don't leave you in the lurch or emotionally robbed and inappropriate situations. 

Be comfortable too checking your emotions. That's what responsible and healthy individuals do instead of letting their thoughts or emotions run wild all the time with no consequence. You can find a balance but nurture yourself too. Find things that add to your life and make that choice to engage more fully with other experiences that help you grow. That's why I suggested you volunteer, do well in school, take up a part time job. You are cultivating those interests and learning to engage with others in more meaningful ways. 

[Capricorn3]

On 8/31/2021 at 6:00 AM, gwen87 said:

…I do not want to be a relationship wrecker but at least one decent conversation…Is it too much to hope for or want?

If you do not want to be a relationship wrecker then what are you doing contacting him with messages and wanting "at least one decent conversation"?  Really?  He's in a relationship for 2 years and you have no business there. At all. He's taken.  That means you do NOT go there.  You have no place there. Find your own man. 

How would you like it if you were in a two year relationship with your boyfriend and some girl from his past starts sending him messages with the hope of re-connecting with him?