Dating the one that got away, not wanting to go through being messed around again

[MrMan1983]

Hi,

Bit of a back story for this one, a few years ago I was seeing a girl that really gave me the butterflies which is very rare for me, we had 5 very good dates/some weekends together then she ended things as she had only very recently come out of a serious relationship so to her it could of potentially been a rebound but she’s very hard to read (I’ll get to that) and she freely admits she’s a massive over thinker and gets anxious about things.

When we’re together we’re spending most of it in fits of laughter, silly jokes, good convos and physically can’t seem to keep our hands off each other. I get all the usual ‘right signals’ and ques which usually makes me sense someone likes me or there’s a good connection. So it ‘felt’ mutual face to face but when we’re apart things can go rather hot with her being really keen or cold with her seeming more distant with regards to texting/contact where I feel like she’s thinking things through or over thinking.

This was an anxious time for me I hadn’t felt that way for someone for a long time even in such a short space, yet I didn’t want to encroach too much by asking too much or being needy so suffered a bit to myself. I never really know what to do when I can’t read how someone’s feeling. I want to be able to just ask how someone’s feeling about things but not seem too imposing after it being early days, feels like a no win you ask and it turns out everything was fine and you look needy, or you don’t ask and suffer not knowing or being able to talk things through. 

So a few years back was the last I had heard from her she ended things then our contact fizzled out (I gave up, got the message, she slowly faded the contact out) then a few weeks back from nowhere she pops up with a text seeing how I am etc, had some long long chats about life, caught up, and we got onto love life stuff she was telling me about how bad it was going with her current situation then she ended it with him soon after as they were 100% not a match and felt like she had no feelings for the guy.

Since that she’s been completely upbeat said she was relieved, then we met up on Friday for a catch up drink at mine and we played some games at mine and had a lovely evening, things felt the same before and had a passionate kiss goodbye. 
 

Now I know what you’re likely thinking that I’m probably a rebound date (crossed my mind too), the problem is I ‘feel’ like we have something great when we’re together and wish we could explore dating properly. Since that night we’ve had sporadic contact I haven’t suggested the second date yet but would love to go on one and see where things go however yet again I have NO idea whether she’s now in a state of overthinking overdrive or interested or not interested etc. She, and I haven’t really said a lot aside from some banter to do with things on our date.

I’m already feeling that anxious feeling of really liking her again and those same feelings of having no idea how she feels, passionate kisses and correct ques aside. I feel daft for feeling this way already again over someone that rejected me before. 

I very much want to avoid a repeat, I’m 38 and want to meet someone, would it be wrong/too full on to just ask what her headspace is after our date? Given our past, and given we were very open about things before our date (with talking about personal things), or think I should keep it cooler and just see how she reacts to a second date suggestion whilst keeping my own anxieties in check?
 

Wish I was a mind reader I’m not usually so confused by someone. 
 

Thanks 

[MissCanuck]

Ask her out again. 

If she declines or is vague about a second date, you'll have your answer. If she accepts and you two continue to go out, then have a chat with her. 

I get that you're anxious. But remember that she is not. She had no problem getting in touch out of the blue after a break-up. She isn't exactly fretting about messing up, even though she's the one who bailed the first time. Your worry and fear are misplaced, as she is the one who should be making sure she doesn't mess it up again.

[MrMan1983]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Ask her out again. 

If she declines or is vague about a second date, you'll have your answer. If she accepts and you two continue to go out, then have a chat with her. 

I get that you're anxious. But remember that she is not. She had no problem getting in touch out of the blue after a break-up. She isn't exactly fretting about messing up, even though she's the one who bailed the first time. Your worry and fear are misplaced, as she is the one who should be making sure she doesn't mess it up again.

Thanks, well I’ve put it out there to her with a date idea so will see what happens. Given the leaving it on unread even though online I’m not expecting it to be the response I was hoping for but we shall see. 

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Thanks, well I’ve put it out there to her with a date idea so will see what happens. Given the leaving it on unread even though online I’m not expecting it to be the response I was hoping for but we shall see. 

Well, at least you wil know not to waste any more time on her. 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

So a few years back was the last I had heard from her she ended things then our contact fizzled out (I gave up, got the message, she slowly faded the contact out) then a few weeks back from nowhere she pops up with a text seeing how I am etc, had some long long chats about life, caught up, and we got onto love life stuff she was telling me about how bad it was going with her current situation then she ended it with him soon after as they were 100% not a match and felt like she had no feelings for the guy.

Do you know how long she was involved with him?

She may feel some 'relief' now, but I am wondering if it's again too soon, to get involved again (for her)?.

Is not much of a good thing to go from one person to another to another.  One needs some down time to be 'single' for a while.

 

[boltnrun]

You keep referring to your meeting with her on Friday as "our date". Was it clear to the both of you that this was a date? Or was it framed as a get together to catch up?

If you ask her out again make it clear it is a date. Don't say "want to grab some food?" or "want to catch up?" Say something like "I'd like to take you out to Nice Restaurant this weekend. Are you available that night?" See how she responds.

And then if she does agree, talk to her during the date about how you feel you two are a great match. Ask how she feels about dating you again.

[smackie9]

No you are mistaken just like last time...Not "we" but YOU feel something amazing. She's just in it for the attention. She will get her fill, and toss you aside again. Don't be a shlep again. If she was that into you she wouldn't have walked away.

[MrMan1983]

32 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Do you know how long she was involved with him?

She may feel some 'relief' now, but I am wondering if it's again too soon, to get involved again (for her)?.

Is not much of a good thing to go from one person to another to another.  One needs some down time to be 'single' for a while.

 

9 months, and yes it could be too soon that’s something I would like to find out I guess. It will be complete deja vu if it’s the same situation again, the thing is I feel like I would of regretted not going for it just incase it went my way this time based on how much I like the girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if the same thoughts are going through her head again though, and it becomes another case of bad timing. 

[MrMan1983]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You keep referring to your meeting with her on Friday as "our date". Was it clear to the both of you that this was a date? Or was it framed as a get together to catch up?

If you ask her out again make it clear it is a date. Don't say "want to grab some food?" or "want to catch up?" Say something like "I'd like to take you out to Nice Restaurant this weekend. Are you available that night?" See how she responds.

And then if she does agree, talk to her during the date about how you feel you two are a great match. Ask how she feels about dating you again.

I’m not sure on the first question the word date wasn’t used but it was her that went in for the kisses and it was very passionate. I have framed it as similar to what you’ve suggested for this weeks with an idea that I know she enjoys. No reply still though so yeh…might have to dust myself off again shortly. 

[MrMan1983]

23 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

No you are mistaken just like last time...Not "we" but YOU feel something amazing. She's just in it for the attention. She will get her fill, and toss you aside again. Don't be a shlep again. If she was that into you she wouldn't have walked away.

Potential brutal truth right there, unfortunately. 

[SooSad33]

15 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

It will be complete deja vu if it’s the same situation again, the thing is I feel like I would of regretted not going for it just incase it went my way this time based on how much I like the girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if the same thoughts are going through her head again though, and it becomes another case of bad timing. 

Then maybe is not a good idea to look too much into this...

Do you know her track record?  has she ever really had a 'long term' relationship? ( or does she always do this - hang with a guy for a bit then walk?).

 

[MrMan1983]

8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Then maybe is not a good idea to look too much into this...

Do you know her track record?  has she ever really had a 'long term' relationship? ( or does she always do this - hang with a guy for a bit then walk?).

 

She has had long termers and lived with someone ages ago however I’m not sure whether she’s got a track record with this kind of situation or not aside from with myself. Sounded like she stayed with the last one far too long when she reeled off the issues between them. 

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

, a few years ago I was seeing a girl that really gave me the butterflies which is very rare for me, we had 5 very good dates/some weekends together then she ended things as she had only very recently come out of a serious relationship so to her it could of potentially been a rebound but she’s very hard to read (I’ll get to that) and she freely admits she’s a massive over thinker and gets anxious about things.

Okay.. well, this was long ago, right?

But, she is also an over thinker, you feel? 

If she's got a tolerable track record, I feel you just fear going thru this again with her - getting hurt/pushed away...

BUT this can be with anyone you get involved with.

Just keep in mind, how she was  'years ago', will not be how she is nowadays.. Experience changes us.

Just hope she's not twice as bad with what you call 'over thinking'?

So maybe just tread carefully, and arrange a few dates/ get togethers and see WHERE she is at... See how she seems now, her character.  Is all mostly 'good' with her?

Remember, things are often great at the beginning.. All else fails, admit your concerns to her, and find out IF she is actually into you as much as you are to her and IF she's 'ready' to date again.

 

[lostandhurt]

If the date happens then simply ask her where she is at dating wise.

"Hey I know we just reconnected but I wanted to know where you are at as far as dating goes?"  "I am looking for something serious/long term so if we aren't on the same page I would like to know sooner than later"

  Of course don't open with that but once the evening is progressing nicely you have a right to ask her.

Of course if you didn't have history this would be a big no no but since this is a reboot there is no reason wasting time walking the same path just to end up at the same place.

If she over thinks it and bails on you then you are better off having it happen now then in 3 months.

Lost