My Fiancee has been talking badly about my mother to my face

[smackie9]

He's acting like a coward. He would prefer to criticize and cut people down behind their backs. Nice guy.

[Seraphim]

Having your own place whether you want to rent or not is necessary if this relationship is going to survive. He may have said he wanted to live with your mom but reality says otherwise. This almost never never never works. My husband and I shared a house with my mom and step dad for 15 years when we were young. It was HELL. They wanted things a certain way and we wanted things a different way. My husband  and hated hated hated hated hated it. And I can tell you I would’ve rather lived in a box on a street corner then live with his parents. 
 

The only way to save this is to get your own place whether you want to rent or not sometimes you have to do what you have to do not what you would wish to do. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, Heid said:

Yes, but he just says that he doesn't have anything against her, and there is never a solution from him. I asked him to talk to her about things if he had something that was really bothering him

So he's passive aggressively complaining about the situation, playing the victim, but won't offer a solution for you guys to be happy together.

What does that tell you about the "man" he is?

[Heid]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

And this is the type of partner you want to spend the rest of your life with?

He also said to me when i had gone to the TV room to cool off, that if "i was gonna be like that" that he would just drink himself piss drunk. 

He has talked to me about having anger issues and i have done everything to support him when he goes into these moods, he has gotten so much better since we started dating.

So i do have compassion for him and i know that he doesn't mean anything when he tells me that im an "idiot" and what not. He always cools off and comes and says sorry some time later.

 

[smackie9]

Let me guess....he's the soul provider in this relationship....so your hands are tied?

[Heid]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So he's passive aggressively complaining about the situation, playing the victim, but won't offer a solution for you guys to be happy together.

What does that tell you about the "man" he is?

Passive aggressiv is the perfect word to describe how he brings her up to me. 

[Heid]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Let me guess....he's the soul provider in this relationship....so your hands are tied?

No, i work and i'm good with saving money. another issue in our relationship is his issues with money, he is Horrible with spending money, he would blow every penny if he wasn't with me. 

When we first met he didn't have a penny to his name, i helped him find a job at sea and taught him how to budget. I know i sound like i'm ringing my own bell here but its true.

[smackie9]

I have been with my guy for over 30 years, and my advice is, you can't have a healthy long term relaitonship without both parties able to have compassion, show compromise, respect, trust, honesty, compatibility, empathy, and able to understand each other, proper communication, etc.

All you have been doing is putting out fires in this relationship. Also putting up with his abusive outbursts, rude comments, towards you and your mother. Having to bite your tongue, look the other way, wait for him to cool down. This spells disaster.

[Heid]

Just now, Heid said:

No, i work and i'm good with saving money. another issue in our relationship is his issues with money, he is Horrible with spending money, he would blow every penny if he wasn't with me. 

When we first met he didn't have a penny to his name, i helped him find a job at sea and taught him how to budget. I know i sound like i'm ringing my own bell here but its true.

And he has improved massively! I'm just so invested with him and he with me that i don't want to end the relationship.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, Heid said:

No, i work and i'm good with saving money. another issue in our relationship is his issues with money, he is Horrible with spending money, he would blow every penny if he wasn't with me. 

When we first met he didn't have a penny to his name, i helped him find a job at sea and taught him how to budget. I know i sound like i'm ringing my own bell here but its true.

Okay. So you're teaching him how to be a man?

Lady, date someone who is already a man. You're not his mother and NO, it is not acceptable to "accept" or let it pass that he calls you idiot.

What will you also let him get away with calling you next time?

[Heid]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

I have been with my guy for over 30 years, and my advice is, you can't have a healthy long term relaitonship without both parties able to have compassion, show compromise, respect, trust, honesty, compatibility, empathy, and able to understand each other, proper communication, etc.

All you have been doing is putting out fires in this relationship. Also putting up with his abusive outbursts, rude comments, towards you and your mother. Having to bite your tongue, look the other way, wait for him to cool down. This spells disaster.

Thank you for your advice, i really have to take a step back and reflect. Thank you

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, Heid said:

And he has improved massively! I'm just so invested with him and he with me that i don't want to end the relationship.

Okay, I taught my husband how to be a man. He was a baby man and the only things his parents taught him was how to tie his shoes and drive a car almost literally. I taught him everything else. Now he EVENTUALLY became a man. But, living with my parents did not help with this transformation. He got vastly better when he faced life as a man in his own space. 
 

However,  I would MUCH recommend finding a man who knows how to be one first not you teaching them. Don’t take on people who are projects. That turns you into a parent and them into a child. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Heid said:

This is not an isolated incident...

Do Not invite him to stay with you and your mother. Let him rent a room.

You need to reconsider being with someone verbally abusive to you and disrespectful toward your mother when he is a guest in her house.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Seraphim  I disagree. Times have changed. She shouldn't have to teach him to control his anger, handle money, find a job, or be respectful to HER.

OP please rethink this relationship.

Otherwise, I recommend HE comes up with a solution so that you can live happily together.

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Seraphim  I disagree. Times have changed. She shouldn't have to teach him to control his anger, handle money, find a job, or be respectful to HER.

OP please rethink this relationship.

Otherwise, I recommend HE comes up with a solution so that you can live happily together.

That’s what I said don’t take on people who are projects. It incredibly seldom works out. It only worked out for me and my husband because he was prepared to put in the incredibly hard work to improve himself most people won’t. 

[catfeeder]

I'd tell my fiancé that just as I wouldn't tolerate my Mom speaking badly of him, I won't hear it from him, either, about her.

But that would be me--and I wouldn't HAVE a fiancé who'd call me an idiot.

If you're willing to put up with mistreatment now, don't fool yourself with a belief that it will get any better after marriage. Just the opposite: you're setting yourself up for an unhappy future with someone who has learned that disrespect is okay with you. Disregard is sure to follow.

[melancholy123]

1 hour ago, Heid said:

Oh, yeah i just meant it affects me a lot when i hear him say these things about her, she is the only family i have and i would love for him at least to respect that. I did not break up with him, and im not planning to, i love him very much. And yes he has been really quiet, i told him everything i had to say and he's just very stubborn and doesn't back down. He wouldn't even apologise for calling me an idiot last night..

I'm seeing red flags here...

[Andrina]

Since he treats her this way, making noise to spite her for her morning noise, fully expect that treatment from him toward you, say when you have kids and how dare you not muzzle them in the morning when he's sleeping because of his alternative schedule. And when you finally get the kids to bed and you crash into bed, he'll be blaring the t.v. and banging pots and pans cooking himself a midnight snack.

Calling you an idiot and threatening to get drunk and piss himself--your "prize" of a man makes my stomach churn. I believe this is a combination of you having a low self worth, and subconsciously thinking you deserve no better in life, along with not enough life experience to recognize this as toxic behavior, are the reasons you are with this &*^%.

Forget about the time you've invested. It's but a speck of time in one's lifetime, and even if you knew you only had a year left to live on the planet, IMO, he should be dumped.

Of course it's not ideal to live with parents, and a person would be irritable, but everything you've written shows the toxic ways in which he deals with adversity. Perhaps it's a good thing you all made this decision so it could speed up the process of seeing the real him so you can make the all important decision that he's far from who you'd like as a lifetime partner. That is if you value a satisfying life.

[LoveConquersAll]

Hi @Heid

A couple of questions before giving any type of advice:

1. Is he stressed, overworked or tired? Is there anything either at work or with his own family (homesickness? family member unwell?) that could explain why he is out of sorts at the moment?

2. Do you guys have any personal one-on-one quality time together? Do you think that maybe planning a nice dinner either at home when mom is away or some place else, or going for a nice weekend away together could help you guys reconnect?

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

putting up with his abusive outbursts, rude comments, towards you and your mother. Having to bite your tongue, look the other way, wait for him to cool down. This spells disaster.

 

8 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Calling you an idiot and threatening to get drunk and piss himself--your "prize" of a man makes my stomach churn. I believe this is a combination of you having a low self worth, and subconsciously thinking you deserve no better in life, along with not enough life experience to recognize this as toxic behavior, are the reasons you are with this &*^%.

Makes my stomach churn too, just to even imagine being in that toxic situation. 

Is this the best you can do, Heid! What in the name of all that's powerful did you find even remotely attractive about this individual.  Believe me there are sane, stable, decent men out there, not this sad excuse of a man.

[smackie9]

7 hours ago, Heid said:

Yes, but he just says that he doesn't have anything against her, and there is never a solution from him. I asked him to talk to her about things if he had something that was really bothering him

 

This is called diverting. He won't communicate, he just brushes over things to pacify you. Yikes!