I am overly sensitive to a new manager and his team

[DarkCh0c0]

17 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Just ask in a calm and down to earth manner what the problem is.

I don't think there's a problem from his end. We're busy and tight on deadlines. Can't do anything about that.

I guess, I'll take my time to adapt. That's the only thing that comes to my mind.. aside from working on how to react to this. I'm just not sure how to 😞

[boltnrun]

You mentioned his team is "all men".

I'm curious to know why you thought that was relevant or a factor.

Do you tend to be intimidated by men? Or groups of men? Do you have a history of feeling like men have been overly critical of you based on your gender?

[DancingFool]

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm aware. That's why I'm asking for tips/tools to cope. I'm aware this is on me. I even mentioned above that it has to do partially with my self esteem. I really want to move past this cause the way I'm reacting is just not normal.

Which goes back to what I noted before. This isn't him, but rather something about your past that is triggering you badly that you are associating with him or maybe his demeanor reminds you of something and it's sending you into this tailspin. You need to figure out for yourself what it is.

[DarkCh0c0]

@boltnrun I did not used to have such reaction before. I often work with just men. My previous team was all men as well.

I think it's that part of the team has a similar vibe / demeanor to him, and it makes it worse for me. Women could be like that too, but in this case it's just men. Duplicates lol 

[DarkCh0c0]

@DancingFool I will try and explore that. Thank you.

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I think it's that part of the team has a similar vibe / demeanor to him,

OK, so there is no "problem".   I still think you could have a chat with them, and explain that it is NOT what they say but how they say it. L. 

[Rose Mosse]

Dancingfool gave good alternatives for a response. That is how I would also respond. Keep it minimal. Responses to tasks shouldn't be more than a line - it's acknowledging and affirmative or non-affirmative. If you're called to explain how a process works or why you came to a particular judgment or decision then you can explain briefly. This is a learning experience. You're four months in so you have time to adjust your expectations and responses to your boss. 

It'll get better if you can do that and take one step at a time. When things used to get very hectic, million things at once, I'd prioritize mentally what needs to be done first. I get through the tasks systematically one by one and stay calm. Before you know it those many tasks are finished well before the deadline. Also with time and practice you'll become quicker and more thorough. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Rose Mosse thank you. I appreciate the advice.

@LaHermes I will try with Rose's advice. A meeting with feedback from him might help "clear out the air" as they say- at least from my end. Maybe it'll give me assurance that he's a good person and has nothing against me.

I do think @DancingFool has a point. His presence "shakes me to the core". It's too.. unusual. But when I try to think what/who he reminds me of, I just can't seem to find what/who. I'll investigate further.

 

[boltnrun]

I work with a difficult person.  He just barks out orders and never says please or thank you. He actually ordered me not to process ANYTHING unless and until he gave me the OK. Well, he's not my boss so I just ignored that demand.

But he's like that with everyone so I never took it personally. 

Is this man the same with everyone?

[DarkCh0c0]

@boltnrun yes. He is. I noticed that today when he replied to the project manager to a suggestion he's made in a very dry way as well. So, I told myself.. it's not just me. It's just how he is and I have to work with it.

I just watched some Grey's anatomy scenes and noticed how some drs were similar; not toxic, but harsh/rude/blunt. It doesn't affect other drs that much, so I'll try to shake it off with time and not let it affect me emotionally as well.

[Kwothe28]

I think you are approaching this on way too personal level. You think he maybe doesnt like you, OK, maybe he doesnt. However, in corporate(well any big employee count job but corporate especially) you are forced to work with people who will not like you and who you will not like because unlike our friends, we dont choose our colleagues. So you will have to learn something I call "Hear on one ear, let go on other". That means that even if he yells at you, you can just let go and not get it get to you. Boss may be a ***, maybe his mistress wouldnt sleep with him that day, maybe its some other reason he is like that, but you will have to learn not to get to you. That is the only way you will persist there, by not letting stuff like that even stay in your mind. I do agree with DF, just say "Ok will be done" and move along. You know you do your job good and that should be enough. Because if you let it get to you, you wont last there, or sorry that I say, even your health wont last too much. There is no point in the job if you let it affects you that much. I knew a guy who worked for municipal government on very important position. We had a mayor who would call him and yell every day because mayor would go around promise stuff(like any politician) and it was up to him and his department to somehow make it happen. Before you know it he was on bunch of meds and didnt last long. So, please be careful and learn to be more flegmatic about it.

Also, as I understood, you are new to the team. After you adapt more and spend more time there, maybe even their behavior will "mellow" a bit. But again, if you want to persist in corporate environment, work with therapist and try to be more flegmatic about that stuff. You wont last long if you dont.

[Lambert]

Sorry you're crying and such. That totally sucks. 

Tell me, what is the actual issue?

Are you not producing quality work? 

Or is he just not directing things the way you like? 

When it comes to work, you have to take the personal feelings out of it.

Don't say I'm new. Say I need help  prioritizing what I have. If xyz needs worked on, abc has to wait. 

You might be lower on the totem pole but you deserve respect. I have found, when dealing with people that don't use or respond to the niceties of the interactions, then don't.  keep it brief and only admit work.  That makes things smoother.

Separate yourself from work. Work is work and even if your not producing a you should, it doesn't mean you are a loser. 

You just need some help. If you have too much on your plate, talk to your manager about it. Get some advice from someone that seems to be doing well. 

in a new job, floundering, I got this really good advice- do what you can do really well.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

not toxic, but harsh/rude/blunt.

Ok, this may be something you need to write off as personality. Stick with your more supportive supervisor. 

Being straight up and abrupt may just be this guy's style and nothing personal with regard to you. 

[LaHermes]

There is straight up and abrupt (some people are simply like that) and then there is the individual with some kind of complex who gets his jollies from demeaning an employee.  There is NO excuse for rudeness. None. 

[DancingFool]

12 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@boltnrun yes. He is. I noticed that today when he replied to the project manager to a suggestion he's made in a very dry way as well. So, I told myself.. it's not just me. It's just how he is and I have to work with it.

I just watched some Grey's anatomy scenes and noticed how some drs were similar; not toxic, but harsh/rude/blunt. It doesn't affect other drs that much, so I'll try to shake it off with time and not let it affect me emotionally as well.

Consider that people who are blunt are actually much more honest and easy to work with than those who are chummy buddy buddy type. That blunt person is telling you in a very straightforward way what they want you to do and how they want it done. All you need to do is listen and do as asked or directed. They are not being personal with you they are telling you what they need you to do.

On the other hand, that nice manager who listens to your problems and doesn't say anything about your work is the type of a person who will use your weakness against you and throw you under the buss whenever it's convenient. Basically, smile in your face and stab you in the back type.

When you are so new, I'd be very cautious about seeking validation from anyone, especially when you are working remotely and have no way to really grasp who is who and the internal dynamics of the company. Do your job and treat your paycheck as the validation.

If you feel a need for a pat on the back, then consider volunteering for something you like or care about and really get involved in that. At work, don't get too personal with people. Not saying that you can't find great mentors and make friends at work, just that it takes time for those things to develop and when in doubt, opt to be neutral.

 

[LaHermes]

I have no problem, none, with blunt people. I can be blunt myself.  But I have zero tolerance for rudeness.  Nor would I tolerate it.

Civilized people are able to tell others (underlings) how they want something done without demeaning them and leaving them in tears. I simply don't understand this (corporate or not).  Is corporate some sort of jungle or what!!!

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Consider that people who are blunt are actually much more honest and easy to work with

🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️

[LaHermes]

Helpful?! Maybe not. LOL

https://www.buzzfeed.com/victoriavouloumanos/people-reveal-corporate-life-secrets

Andersson and Pearson (1999) defined incivility as “low-intensity deviant behavior with ambiguous intent to harm the target, in violation of workplace norms for mutual respect. ... Nevertheless, Andersson and Pearson's (1999) spiral theory of incivility is very popular.

[DarkCh0c0]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate reading your input. I'll re-read it again before having my next meeting with that manager (sadly, tomorrow).

I also think.. it must be something in me- not just work related- as it really disturbs me. The crying is just horrible and heavy on my chest. I haven't cried like that in so long. As @DancingFool mentioned, it must be some kind of trauma I have I'm not aware of (I do suffer from childhood trauma), but I just can't put my finger on it. Just reading a comment from him makes me burst into tears and stop working.

So... Probably a mix of getting used to handling a higher role and my own stress response/ triggers.

Thanks again ☀️

[LaHermes]

It's late here OP and I am about to logoff. Just don't talk yourself down OP. Give him h*ll when you see him. Lol.

[DarkCh0c0]

@LaHermes well that's a fun read!

[LaHermes]

There's more where it came from OP. LOL. 

[boltnrun]

If he's like that with everyone then it's definitely not personal.  And there's not much point in telling him he's rude.  He won't see it that way.

With the difficult guy I sometimes have to work with, I just either acknowledge what he says with "will do, thank you" or pass his requests on to my actual supervisor with a note saying "M has made the request below.  Can you please advise?"  

[DarkCh0c0]

@boltnrunyep. Good point.

[Rose Mosse]

21 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate reading your input. I'll re-read it again before having my next meeting with that manager (sadly, tomorrow).

I also think.. it must be something in me- not just work related- as it really disturbs me. The crying is just horrible and heavy on my chest. I haven't cried like that in so long. As @DancingFool mentioned, it must be some kind of trauma I have I'm not aware of (I do suffer from childhood trauma), but I just can't put my finger on it. Just reading a comment from him makes me burst into tears and stop working.

So... Probably a mix of getting used to handling a higher role and my own stress response/ triggers.

Thanks again ☀️

You will also be more exposed to other managers and executives. Learn from them too. Treat this as a learning curve only. You may also decide what skills are better than others and see for yourself what some managers lack in terms of leadership and decide for yourself what is more important. 

It's only four months. Come back and I want to hear what you think again in four years. Give yourself more time to adjust.