Clingy and pleaser father behavior is becoming annoying

[survivor2021]

Hello everyone and thank you for visiting this topic.

My family is facing some problems right now related to my father behavior. Currently I am 24 years old and I am working remotely from home, living with my father and my mother. My older sister is married and my middle brother works abroad and I am the little son. The problem I am going to talk about does not involve bullying or anything of that kind, it's just something that is becoming annoying and I wish I could find a solution.

My father is a retired man, taking good care of all of us. He has a little brother, who is the CEO of the company where my brother is employed. Of course he got him this job and it's been nearly 5 years. Since then, I am feeling like my father is becoming so needy, pleaser and clingy to my uncle. All of us noticed it. He wants to involve him in any kind of subject : If I am looking for an internship, he insists that we should take his advice. If I got an offer from some company or whatever, he wants me to share it with him. That's the case for all of the family members and not only me : For example, lately my brother came back for some vacations with us and he noticed that my uncle bought a new car, so he casually said that the car is good, but he didn't even take a good look at it. Later in the same day, my uncle called my father and guess what my old man told him ? He said that my brother was overwhelmed by the car and he wanted to wash it and drive it so much that he went crazy ... I hope you see my point here. Things are escalating and it's becoming ass kissing.

He also treats my uncle's son, my cousin way better than he ever treated us. He is so friendly towards him and always jokes with him. He barely does that with me or my brother. My uncle never treats me, or my brother in that way, I respect him so much and we get along, but not in a friendly way. the same thing goes with my uncle's wife, which annoys my mother so much. I just can't stand it anymore. He makes us feel like lackeys. He just abandons all self worth and confidence and makes us look pathetic.  I am 100% sure that if he had to choose between his family and his brother, he would go for his brother. He wants me to join my uncle's company so much too, which I never intend to do if this keeps up, because the ass kissing will evolve and that's the last thing I want.

Even when I mentioned that I want to work in Japan, where my brother works, but in a different company, he tried to convince me not to because there is a possibility that my uncle will get mad because I went there without his approval and not in his company ... What the hell was that ? Believe me, it's driving me crazy even though I am a calm person. That is my decision to make and my uncle is not my father ! He did not help me in any way throughout my studies and I don't owe him anything, why the hell should I give up on something I want to experience or try, just to satisfy him ? You see ?

I want to let out my anger at my father for his behavior. I want to yell at him so much to the point I am sure that It will end up with a serious argument and fight. Believe me it's affecting even my mental health. I will be graduating soon but my thoughts are concentrated on this instead of my graduation project.

Finally, thank you so much for reading this towards the end. What do you suggest I do ? What do you think of my situation ?

Thank you in advance

[Tinydance]

Well you are right that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do just to please your Uncle. Just work where you want, you are an adult and that is your choice. You are right that even if you need to please someone in your family, it would be more your parents, not your Uncle. Though I'm not sure what country and culture you are from. Do you come from a culture where young people are supposed to respect and listen to older family members? For example, their parents, Uncle, grandparents? I live in Australia so here it's not like that but I know in some Asian, Middle Eastern and African countries for example it's like that. 

The problem is unfortunately I don't think you can actually control your father's behaviour. Your father controls his own behaviour and if he wants to act like this towards your Uncle and his family then unfortunately you can't really stop him. I think for your own mental health and to get along with everyone in your family, you might be better off to stay out of it. Just don't do everything just for your Uncle and do what you want. What are your plans for the future? Are you planning to move out into your own place and share with room-mates? You said you nearly finished your studies so could you get a full-time job and move out? You might feel happier if you didn't live at home and weren't constantly seeing this behaviour that really upsets you.

[survivor2021]

Yes, There is this kind of culture you are talking about in my country, where older family members must be respected, but my father is older than my uncle. The amount of respect given is supposed to be backwards. When a stranger sees them, he will guess that my uncle is actually older than my father by at least 15 years. Maybe if my uncle looked a bit old, it will look like he is father of my father ...

Actually I was living with roommates in a a different city, but the COVID epidemic got me where I am, back at home, working and studying remotely. Actually it wasn't that bad at all in the beginning. No matter what I say, it's always good to be close to parents. But in the last months, it became a pain because my uncle and brother came back to the country for vacations and I have been noticing this annoying behavior more and more and I get involved by force because of my old man.

I am also concerned about my mother. Just like me, she hates this kind of behavior and she does not want to argue with him, because he just won't listen. I want to help her out in some way, but I don't know how. It's not anything serious, but it's toxic for her.

As soon as the epidemic ends, I plan to work overseas. I am definitely not joining my uncle's company.

 

[Jibralta]

Is it possible that your father is doing this in an effort to secure a stable future for you and your brother?

[survivor2021]

@Jibralta That's what I wanted to believe in the beginning but I think that's a secondary goal. Even if all of what he is doing is for the sake of me and my brother joining the company, it is intolerable to do it like this. He should draw some limits, right ? One of the reasons of me refusing to join the company is stopping the dependency on my uncle, which is the main reason for the ass kissing and if it wasn't for this annoying behavior, I wouldn't have any problems of joining the company. To be honest, I wanted to work there years ago.

Imagine that I join my uncle company, then after a few years I decide to take on a new project and try a new job. Or maybe I dislike it there and I want to quit. It will result in a conflict between me and my father, who will panic and fear that my uncle will get upset. 

Saving some pride for my parents is one of the reasons why I won't join this company. They will just owe him more.

[SooSad33]

I say, you stand your ground.  The only person you need to look out for is YOU.

You are an adult.  If you want to travel & work elsewhere, then you aim for that.

No matter what your father has to say.. This is YOUR future.. Your interests.

So, just calmly say No thank you.  

Try not to lose it.. Try not to cause much of an argument about all of that.

If & when you are able to move, do so.  I have a family of 6.  One sister went to a different city to study, and a brother went the opposite way to another city.  All was their choices.  No one made them do anything!

Fine, if your father is suggesting you join your uncle & brother, BUT, you should not have to.

And this is what THEY need to understand here!  Hear you and respect YOUR choices.

So... get out away from all of this when possible.  Try to focus on you ... Maybe journal to 'vent' it all out - get it out on paper - good form of release. Also, get out & get some air... get physical.. Hang with friends etc.

Be around all of that as little as possible..

 

 

 

[smackie9]

just suck it up when you are at home... and move out when you are done with your studies. Don't communicate your plans with anyone...quietly slip out the back door and leave the dysfunction behind.

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

He should draw some limits, right ?

Yes, I agree. Even if his heart is in the right place, it is counterproductive to make you dependent on your uncle.