Why isn't he putting out?

[catfood]

Hi -

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months. He's in his early thirties and I'm in my mid twenties.

 

He's never been "oversexed," in fact our mutual friends who have known him for years say he's one of the most respectful guys of the bunch, and he's never been too into one night stands or anything like that (though of course he's had his moments!).

 

Sex with us has never been too passionate...it's nice, but he's never been that sensual or terribly fond of foreplay or anything. But he used to want it a lot! I remember even occasionally having to fend him off (like in the mornings if I was running late to work).

 

Lately though, he never comes on to me. Never. And we both travel a lot, so my feelings are that when we're together, we should take advantage of it! But it's always me "making a move" and never him...and sometimes I get rejected. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it still hurts a little.

 

I've wavered between giving up and waiting for him to make a move (but always caving in) and just initiating every time (because a girl has needs!).

 

What should I do? Just hold off and wait for him to make a move? And why do you think he seems uninterested these days? Our relationship in other aspects seems as good as it's ever been. And I have no reason to believe he isn't physically attracted to me...I look just like I did when we met.

 

Thanks so much for the advice!!

[kenneth05]

get some wine, some candles and a really hot outfit. seduce the heck out of him... get your "needs" fulfilled, and his. then have a serious discussion. oh yeah, and finish the wine, too.

 

[Falucchi]

I'd say, if you're "close" enough to be sleeping with the man, then you should be close enough to have an open, frank discussion about your needs, wants and desires. If you feel too embarrased, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your level of emotional intimacy.

 

If you can't talk about doing it, maybe you should be doing it.

 

I'd say that you should tell him just what you wrote here-- your post seems to express honest feelings, and genuine concern.

 

PS... you wrote.. "I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it still hurts a little. " Um... it's your body, your heart, your soul, your feelings-- OF COURSE it's personal! You HAVE feelings, you're not a blow up doll. IT IS personal.

Take care.

[marijo2480]

Right on Kenneth/Falucchi!

[RayKay]

Why don't you bring it up in conversation with him? Communication about sex is just as important as it is about love, finances, emotions and every other detail that we have in our lives.

 

Don't be "attacking" or critical of it, just tell him what you have told us here. You won't know what is going on without asking him....I guess he is into it when you initiate, so he can't be totally not into it. But you won't know until you ask.

 

I am assuming you have tried other things to get him to seduce you...teasing, playing, etc but it has not worked...and have also tried withdrawing to see if he would initiate.

 

And of course you should take it personally - sex IS personal and when our partner does not want it and does not seem interested in it, it makes you feel undesirable. There is no reason to be ashamed of taking it personally! I would take it personally myself..lol.

 

Please also remember it may have nothing to do with YOUR looks right now. It can be some of his own feelings about the relationship, stress, fatigue, or some other concern of his. There is that saying "show me the hottest woman in the world and I will show you one guy bored of sleeping with her Not saying that is the case, but just demonstrating that sex is about more than the physical.

[DragonGirl724]

i think as much as it sucks. he knows youre gonna put it on him. lay low for a little while. make him crave YOU more. you may see a change in him once you stop taking on 'the man's role' & allow him to have a taste of it. AND HE WILL, EVENTUALLY! i understand your frustration..i was the opposite before. i had this guy who wanted to bang all the time & i did too, but just knowing it was there at my leisure i took advantage of it, turned him down etc...and it wasnt until he stopped making himself so available did i START ASKING & pressing HIM for it. lol just a heads up. i think hes spoiled in the sex department perhaps. hehehe

 

-DG724

[kenneth05]

i had this guy who wanted to bang all the time & i did too, but just knowing it was there at my leisure i took advantage of it, turned him down etc.

-DG724

 

oh come on, dragongirl, just admit it. you were bored.

 

[Iceman26]

 

I remember even occasionally having to fend him off (like in the mornings if I was running late to work).

 

 

Maybe thats the answer to your question, right there.

 

- How did you "fend him off"?

 

- Were you fending him off often?

 

I am thinking that it could be that he was feeling rejected by you, and maybe he is wanting you to make the moves because he was rejected for sex.

[DragonGirl724]

i had this guy who wanted to bang all the time & i did too, but just knowing it was there at my leisure i took advantage of it, turned him down etc.

-DG724

 

oh come on, dragongirl, just admit it. you were bored.

 

 

i think i got bored of the routine of gettin it whenever i wanted. plus it was friends w/ benefits sex...i think i want something more than just good sex now. lol

 

-DG724

[kenneth05]

>plus it was friends w/ benefits sex

so, it seems that the benefits of "friends-with-benefits" are over-blown.

uhhh... wait a minute.

 

[itry]

WOW.. u sound like what one of my friends went through just a couple of months ago..

 

u know what was the conclusion....? he came out the closet

[DragonGirl724]

WOW.. u sound like what one of my friends went through just a couple of months ago..

 

u know what was the conclusion....? he came out the closet

 

Eeeeekkkk.... what an eye opener that musta been! lol

 

-DG724

[catfood]

Thanks everyone for the input. To answer a few questions:

 

Yes, I could seduce him, but the point is that for some reason he's not seeming to find my sexually desirable and that's what bothers me. I like to be pursued!

 

Also, I almost never "fended him off"...seriously only when we were running very late for something, and then only very nicely.

 

And I have tried talking to him...but he got very defensive. I tried to be as frank and neutral as possible, but I still think he found it somewhat emasculating that I wasn't "getting enough." So that conversation didn't go well at all and I'd rather not bring it up again.

 

I guess I'll just lay low for a while. Maybe he just needs a good chase or something. I don't know.

 

And yeah, hope he's not gay.

[Falucchi]

If someone told me honestly and "nicely" that I wasn't meeting their needs, I would be very interested to know how I could go about making them happy-- especially in the bedroom!

 

If I told someone that I had needs that weren't being met and they got angry or defensive, I'd wonder if this was the type of person I could consider spending more time with. Lack of communication doesn't really cut it with me. Angry/defensive behavior in place of communication is immature.

And, the fact that you don't want to bring it up again worked for him! He got you off his back, didn't he? Now go sit in the corner and be quiet, huh?

 

To me, a relationship means, ultimately, the commitment to loving your partner and doing everything you can to make the relationship work--- if someone is knowingly ignoring my feelings and needs, then that commitment has been broken.

 

It seems very manipulative on his part. Does he think the perfect relationship is one in which the woman asks for nothing and gratefully accepts whatever she can get from him, whenever he wants to give it?

 

If so consider ending the relationship now if you don't want to lose all of your self-esteem and feel like an emotional beggar.

Take care.

[catfood]

Thanks, Falucchi, for some very reasonable and frank advice. Truth be told, this isn't the first example of me feeling like I should put my needs aside...you raised some red flags for me.

[Falucchi]

I think that it's wise of you to re-consider your situation.

You might decide it's ok

yo might think it's unacceptable

or you might decide to give it some time .

In any event, just being AWARE is the important thing. Red flags are warnings that only you can decide for yourself if you want to live with or not.

 

Sometimes we get so caught up in the relationship and "making it work" and day-to-day living that we really don't want to/or can't see things.

 

Take a look at this website: link removed

His book "Be Honest..." is a good one, and should be reqired reading for all women-- well worth the price!

 

(His other book, She Comes First, should be required for all MEN!)

Take care.

[stopallthispain]

I came on here today looking for a posting like yours. I have the exact same problem as you....the sex was hot but then we moved in together and it seemed like it went down hill within days.....now I think I'm only getting it once a month and I have to make the moves. I'm sick of it too and I tried the holding back routin and just like you I gave in because I just can't wait that long! I need to be stronger! My b.friend is in his 30's and I'm in my early 20's..I also look the same and I think I'm attractive. I have talked many, many times to him about this...and the first time I brought it up he also was very defensive....I think that men get this way because they're insulted to hear that they aren't satisfying their woman...this kind of knowledge is hurtful. But you know what...you have to keep bringing it up...I didn't let his attite scare me from expressing my needs and I did and still do. Although my problem isn't fixed and i need advise too....I know that this problem wont go away on it's own so don't keep quiet.