please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[annie24]

just let him be the one to initiate calls. But, don't keep him on the phone forever. Be the first one to end the phone call, like, don't talk for more than 10-15 minutes, even if you have a lot to say. I think if you back off and let him, he will contact you.

[gradle]

thanks annie,

i'll try...

i'm having a tough time tonight...

i had trouble sleeping last night...and i'm just kind of worn out..since i got back from work i haven't done anythign fun...just errands and watched tv...i'm exhausted

and i think he might be out with his new friend, this girl that he's been hanging out with, her and her group, and apparently she never went out in the school year, that's why i never really talked to her....

but now that it's summer her and her friends go out all the time

no, i don't think he's really interested...but i'm just sad

i'm tempted to call and see what he's doing, if he is out, but i know i shouildn't

so, any news on your front?

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

Try to be strong, and don't bother J. Give him the space you know he so desperately continues to ask you for. Imagine how he'll feel if you call him while he's out trying to have some fun.

 

Let him come to you, like you said this afternoon you were going to try and do.

 

You've been running yourself down, it's no wonder you are exhausted. Is your apt AC'd? If so, maybe take a nice warm bath and then relax in bed with one of your Mars & Venus books you bought.

 

Take it easy and treat yourself tonight for a change!

[kathyk]

I haven't been on this sight for a while. 2004 was a really bad year. If I had really listened and worked on myself more that have pitty on myself, I wouldn't have extra wrinkles now. I am back with my ex. We have been back together since oct 2004. After I pepper sprayed him and almost took his head off. What a waste. They will contact you if they love you and miss you. But give them time to miss you. Go have fun. Do all that you didn't get to do when you were with the ex. Smile, laugh, exercise, go with friends to beach, clubbing, hiking,get out. We broke up jan 23 2004 got back togethr Mar 27 2004. broke up again july 4 2004. got back together oct 23 2004. We are together but I have learned to remember nc. when I feel an argument coming on I get QUIET. Think first.lots a patience. believe me. nc works.

[Liquidius]

Gradle, I've been watching your progress and I just wanted to say you're doing really well! Keep it up!

[fantasia2004]

you are doing fine lady g

[gradle]

Hi all,

Thanks for all the support you've been providing…

It's really been helpful… I have my good days and bad days now…and I'm handling it ok…

I woke up today, and despite the fact that I just passed out last night from exhaustion, I woke up in a panic…convinced I should call him tonight… but I've slowly been talking myself out of it…

I'm trying to stay strong and hopefully control my emotions next time I talk/see him.

 

I know he said we could work on us slowly…I'm scared though… I'm scared that I somehow guilted him into this. I'm scared that I'm not letting him go through whatever transformation he needs to go through and in the end it is just going to hinder us, that he's just going to hate me in the end. But I'm even more scared of letting him go and not having him come back, of not hearing from him and how he's doing. he didn't call last night and I'm sad. What's worse? To lose the love of your life maybe forever, or to hold him if he really doesn't want to be held?

 

I'm trying not to hold him and just come to me when ever he feels like it…that way he has the freedom to breathe more…I think that's all I can really do now..

 

I don't know if he really wants us or not. Him calling me on Sunday shows some effort…but I'm still nervous about it. I would love to take it slow though and give him a chance to have some fun with and without me, and me too….

 

I don't know if I can really contact him or if I should just wait for him to call me…I know you all want me to wait, and I know I'd be happier if he called me…all of my messy thoughts…sorry

 

I know I can be a better girlfriend to him and a better person for myself…I think I've already started to become a better person for me. I just need a true chance. I have to control my actions regardless of whether or not I can control my feelings. I know we're going to be far apart soon…and that's what is so difficult.

[PlayBrat]

Awwwww..((Gradle))))

It sounds like you need a big HUG!!!

I feel your pain I truly truly do. Do you have a girlfriend you can just hang out with when you get down?? It sounds like you need some REAL support there, I mean we can only do so much. If it's at all possible,can you get out of town for a few days, just for a change of scenery? I know when I lived in another state a few years ago and went through a BAD breakup..that seemed to take forever for me to get over...I took a trip back home, to be around people who loved me. It helped tremendously and I went back with a much fresher and BETTER outlook. Being around people who are not at all involved in the situation and who just love you for you is a very healing thing. If that's not possible...maybe you could volunteer somewhere helping others. How about a battered womens shelter? Seriously....seeing those types of people and situations really DOES help you realize how good you REALLY have it. Don't mope, and don't et down on yourself. Take that negative energy and do something positive with it. You have SOOOOO much to offer....

I hope you're day gets better

[gradle]

hi play

thanks for the well wishes...

i'm ok...i'm holding up, not much else i can do. i don't have too many girls here, i know mainly just guys, and i think i might see soem of them after work today.

but i do need my girls, which is why i have to move to dc, i have so much more support down there than i do here....

i think i do want to volunteer somewhere...i volunteered at an aids shelter for about 3 years when i was younger, so maybe something like that, or yes, a battered women's shelter will help me put my life in perspective. but i probably shouldn't start till i move to dc, since the move is coming up so soon ...

'but i hope all is going well with you..i've been keepign up with you're nc posts

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

Ditto, I know this is really tough for you! Some days are better than others.

 

You know, you've agonized about trying to give him space for weeks now, but you haven't actually done it yet. Don't call him today.... it's time to really act on what you know is the right thing to do.

 

J has been very patient with you, but just like a parent talking to a child he has asked you over and over not to talk about the relationship, not to "freak out", to give him space, to do your own thing, to give him time, to not harass him about his feelings. Yet, you still do it, almost every time you talk to him or see him. You continue to ignore what he asks of you.

 

How many times do you think he will ask and have you not listen before he washes his hands of the whole thing? Do you really want to push him away for good? Because that's what you are doing. You have to control yourself, girl!

I'm scared that I somehow guilted him into this. I'm scared that I'm not letting him go through whatever transformation he needs to go through and in the end it is just going to hinder us, that he's just going to hate me in the end.

 

This is what you should be scared of, because it is exactly what you are doing to him. I firmly think if you don't get control of yourself and fast, he's just going to walk. He'll go to Cali and that will be it, you won't hear from him again.

 

But I'm even more scared of letting him go and not having him come back, of not hearing from him and how he's doing. he didn't call last night and I'm sad. What's worse? To lose the love of your life maybe forever, or to hold him if he really doesn't want to be held?

 

You don't really have a choice with this, gradle. J let you go. He did the most drastic thing ever to get his point accross, and you still aren't getting it. If you want to lose him for good go ahead and keep it up. You've already lost him as a boyfriend, you are suffocating him as a friend, the next step is losing him for good.

 

You can't hold someone who doesn't want to be held.

 

Let him breathe. You have to do this. He's really running out of patience with you. He's shown you that if you back off and give him some space he will come around, and even enjoy spending time with you, but you have to back off.

 

You know what the right thing to do here is, you have to apply what you know and get yourself under control.

 

You haven't given yourself a chance to improve, everything is still about him. Make it about you and really try to work on yourself, every post is still dripping with desperation, I don't see much independance here, or self confidence.... the things about you that J would like to see.

 

Keep working on it, and don't call him!

[PlayBrat]

Thanks Gradle....

 

After my experience with going against the NC thing, I am trying to be diligent about it. As YOU know, it's NOT easy...but that's where our perserverance comes in right?

I know what you're going through. I also think you are too close to the situation right now to be able to heal properly . You have said you've driven by his house, etc...while I don't agree with that, I TOTALLY know how hard it is NOT to. It keeps you stuck. Being in such close proximity

to J. may actually be hindering you, which is why I suggested getting away for as long as you could. Even a long weekend. Some of us have not had the opportunity you have to make things better with our "ex'es"..you are being given this opportunity, and if you truly want this it's best to maintain your strength here. As I said before, this is really very temporary.

Remember Gradle, you DO have options here. You DON'T have to wait around for him either. You have the right to NOT live in limbo, and that's exactly where you are. You need to have forethought . What if J. decides he DOESN'T want to get back together? What if he doesn't even give you an answer but decides to just leave? I am painting worse case scnerios here, but they are still possibilities. People do very strange things when it comes to matters of the heart.

I know we are telling you to be patient and understanding, but you also need consider every single viable option here...and do what's right for YOU. Don't live your life for whatever J may or may not do...that's all I'm saying.

I hope you understand what I'm saying...

[ecg1228]

Hey Gradle,

 

I've come back every now and then to see your progress too - I want to say hang in there, now that it's been quite awhile and you still seem as much as in pain and desperation as a month ago. I also want to chime in my 2 cents... I know that you can't stop yourself from giving him that space because you are so desperately worried that giving him that space will only make him walk in the other direction. You probably feel like you have absolute control of swaying things in your direction by making sure you are constantly reminding him of your presense, of your relationship. I've been there, trust me. I consider myself this free, independent, witty woman but when it came to this breakup of mine a few years ago with my first real love, I was a total mess. I cried, I constantly called even when he told me not to, I asked, "Why? Why?" But - constantly worrying and then going against his wishes - it doesn't help move ANYTHING forward. All this time focused on this situation can be spent instead just going out, having fun, keeping busy.

 

No one wants to make any promises that honoring his space will bring him back - but it certainly make you look confident, secure and attractive in his eyes. He KNOWS how much you love him...but the more positive experiences you allow to replace the negative ones (ie, the desperate behavior, freaking out) will just calm him down and help him view this relationship from a chaotic point of view. I totally agree that absense makes the heart grow fonder. If you are afraid to lose him and your constant contact STILL hasn't made him come back - then realize that your present attempts are obviously not working. So, the only thing you can do is not initiate contact, don't call, and give him time - see what happens from that. Some things are out of our control at some point, don't exhaust yourself.

 

I finally just stopped calling and emailing my ex when I realized my behavior didn't contribute a thing. I felt so drained and dead from worrying all the time. So I started to concentrate on myself and going out again, trying to be happy again. I felt like I had victimized MYSELF and had been in a cave. After several months his attitude towards me completely changed. Suddenly I hear from him and he is curious about my life and what I'm up to - during my absense, he remembered the good memories, the confident me, the woman he fell in love with. By the time he called me, I was the one that had moved on and didn't want to pursue anything romantic again. I rationalized better doing that "me" time I had that he wasn't the one for me if he didn't fight hard enough to keep me or want to stay with me. All relationships are different, but I just want you to know that I, like the other women here, have totally been in your spot. You gotta hear what they are saying - don't call him, don't talk about the relationship (even though it's killing you)...when you talk, talk about normal, non-romantic things and he won't pull away or cringe...

 

Good luck...I definitely see you doing better, but you have to help yourself as much as possible - go through the motions of what we are all telling you. Pretty soon it will come naturally. :scatter:

[RainaBabe]

I totally agree with the others. You WILL mess this up permanently if things continue the way they are now. And it's not enough to just fake it. That's good for a few days or so, but then, eventually, you have to really change. Even if he came back to you right now, he wouldn't stay, because you haven't changed.

 

You HAVE to focus on yourself. It wasn't until I honestly started doing that that I got over my ex, and it wasn't until I started doing that that I was able to get my current boyfriend's attention again after we broke up. But you should NOT be doing it to get him back. You say he's the love of your life. I've said that about quite a few men. You're only 24, so you don't know what awaits you in the next few years.

 

You're holding on so tight to him that he's going to bolt. Part of me almost wishes he'd disappear completely so that you'd be forced to focus on yourself and your own life. It's what you have to do in order to be happy again, with or without him.

 

Don't keep saying, "I know, I know." Because apparently you don't. Just do it.

[gradle]

thanks everyone for your replies !

i'm doing a little bit better tonight...worked out, got myself a good dinner...and most importantly got a lot of phone calls from some good friends...

i'm thinking the reason i flipped out a little this weekend was the fact that it's set in stone, becoming more permanent, the fact that i'm leaving and there's a good chance he won't be in my life anymore.

you guys are right...i need to do more stuff for myself...and in dc i'll be forced to...no j around for me to be obsessing about.... and so many friends to lean on...

of course i want to make this try and start working out now, and i'm being impatient...so i have to work on it...and i will...

thanks so much for all of your support and advice

[Hope75]

Gradle,

 

When is it exactly that you will be leaving for DC?

[gradle]

i'm still not sure...b/t 1 and 2 months...i'll be finding out in the next few weeks...

[Hope75]

Right.

 

Well, as the time gets closer, try to keep yourself occupied and not to think about it too much.

 

If J is considering coming back he is moving pretty slowly on this, which I think is good because either way you wouldn't want him to make a rash decision and leave you again because nothing has changed with you.

 

Either way it won't be fixed by the time you go. You already know that, and the best thing for you to do is really work on being independent!

 

You must be *a lil* excited about your big move, huh? New job, new place, old friends to reunite with..... this is going to be a very good move for you, Gradle.

 

You will keep in touch with us, won't you?

[gradle]

i am soo excited about hte move, i wish i could tell you....just a little apprehensive about the j thing....i feel like a big reason that we broke up was b/c i was going there and he was going to cali and he didn't think we could work on our problems from so far away....

but...

news....

he just called.... and it went really well...he was out at the bar with these new friends he made adn it went sooo well...gosh i love him...i kept it really light and the entire time we just flirted like old times. as if we were dating again...i guess there's some thing going on, like 10 nights of driniking that his friends are doing...and i said something like..."you know i like to drink too..." in a reallly flirty way...

he just laughed that sweet laugh of his and said...yeah, i know...

oh, it felt nice to talk tohim...

but i was doing ok before that....i wish i had friends here that would do 10 or 20 or 30 nights of drinking!

ok,that's my news...i hope you guys don't think this was aset back b/c it felt good to talk to him... i think that's normal right?

[Mun]

As long as he is the one contacting you, and you are not crying or pleading on the phone "take me back" then I think it's ok. You shouldn't be enemies....you should be able to maintain control of yourself. That's all

 

You did well in my opinion. Now, doesn't it feel much better when HE is the one calling? Don't the conversations go smoother and you feel sexy and confident? That's why you shouldn't call HIM... because then you feel a bit insecure and it reflects in your interaction with him.

 

And here you thought we were telling you this to be meanies. There was a reason behind it all the time.

 

TRUST

[gradle]

aahhh, mun,

come on, i never thought you guys were being meanies...

it's just that doing all this is so much easier said than done, not that you ladies/gentlemen haven't done it before...but it's really my first time...i know i'm young, and i know there are other men out there...but this is someone i adore and have adored since the day i met him...i know you know that, EVERYONE knows that i think i'm really lucky to have someone as patient as j...and people as patient as you

and i shoudl give him the respect he deserves...he's too good for me to be throwing tantrums, and i'm too good for it... (i swear i've never done that before these past few weeks...i'm not usually such a child)

but i swear... i know you guys are just looking out for my best interest...and i really truly appreciate it, even if i don't always go with the advice...

thank you, i love you all!

[Hope75]

Haha Gradle,

 

Just remember when you are rich and famous the internet helpers who helped you through your first heartbreak.....

 

I agree with Muneca, you handled yourself pretty well during the phone conversation. You did bait him a little by mentioning in your flirty way that you also like to drink when he mentioned the 10 day drinking fest, but that's OK, he didn't seem bothered by it.

 

The best part is that you felt good about yourself during and after the call, isn't that a nice change? This is what J likes, you maintaining self control and keeping it light and fun. I'm willing to bet if you can keep it up he may come around more.

 

Why not give that a try? Let him do all the initiating, keep it light and fun, go ahead and flirt, and see where that takes you? 8)

[cassiana]

What interesting me in reading all of this is the amount of times you broke the rules and you still in with the same chance as if you had followed them. By all conventional logic this should not be. Could there be method to your madness?

[Hope75]

What interesting me in reading all of this is the amount of times you broke the rules and you still in with the same chance as if you had followed them. By all conventional logic this should not be. Could there be method to your madness?

 

I think it has more to do with the fact that her ex has been extremely patient and tolorant of her insecure behaviours... most guys would have run screaming by now.

 

We're all hoping Gradle learns to control herself and not drive him away for good, which she is dangerously close to doing.

[cassiana]

But look, this is one of the longest threads in here. You are all hanging in there for her too, despite or because of the way she behaves.

[annie24]

Well, Gradle reminds me of myself a few years ago in a former relationship. When I tell her to put that phone down, what I'd really like to do is yell back in time at the 20 year old me to do so. I think because muneca, hope, and I have been there (obsessive behaviors towards the ex), and we saw that ultimately, it didn't get him back, we're just trying to help out.

 

I would call and talk to my ex all the time, sending him e-mails and even housewarming gifts when he got a new place! I'm sure that he felt flattered, but it didn't win him back....