please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[Mun]

Calling him every few days to "check up on" him --when he is the one that decided to leave you--IS desperate. If he called you " too dependent" and broke it off, why do you keep showing him just how dependent you still are by keeping contact? You are only justifying his reasons for leaving you. I wonder if after those phone calls he says to himself " I did the right thing"

 

I can see why him iming you and texting matters, but honey is that enough for you? He isn't saying he wants to get back together...maybe he just wants to know that you are ok post-break up to ease his conscience.

 

I wish I could send you some strength. I know what you are going through because I've been there too and I did all kinds of crazy things...you know what worked? What got him to call me like crazy? The day I said to myself " I've had enough" and I stopped taking his calls. We didn't get back together, but it so shocked him that I was no longer pinning for him he was beside himself....and I felt so good about myself.

[Hope75]

i think i need to see how he's doing, i need to show him that i have survived, and i still am good. and i need to show him that we can hang out and not be emotional...i need to try and be his friend right now, becasue if there is any hope in teh future, i think being friends now would help it. i just need to...

 

why?

 

Being a friend means understanding and even encouraging your friend if he wants to see someone new, and not constantly feeling hurt because you are not getting what you want from this relationship.

 

Don't you think it will be torture for you to try and be his friend if he has no intention of getting back with you? and is in fact, trying to move on? do you think maybe he is just contacting you out of guilt, trying to see if you are ok being alone so that he can finally move on himself?

 

You know he has some guilt that you moved there to be with him and then he didn't want to be with you anymore... I wonder how much guilt he feels over it. (this is not love, do not mistake guilt for love.)

[gradle]

i know, i'm sorry, i jsut have to do it.

but i haven't contacted him every couple of days, less than once a week, in fact...i don't think that that's horrible...this boy used to call me 5 times a day, on his own..., and now he still contacts me once or twice a week....his friends have told me (pre break up) he woudn't be half as happy here if i hadn't come out here...

maybe he does contact me out of guilt, i dont' know...but i do know that we had something special and i'm not ready to move on

[Hope75]

hah,

i dont' think i could do that... i let him do all the initiating for a while, but i always break down after 4 or 5 days not hearing from him....

 

This is still too much. Once a week is still too much. He used to call you five times a day, but that was before he broke up with you.

 

i know, i'm sorry, i jsut have to do it.

 

You do not have to do it. You want to do it.

 

I don't know, gradle, I think just what muneca said, that you just continue to reinforce in J's head the reason why he felt he needed to break up with you and you continue to destroy any hope of him ever coming back because you are still too clingy and desperate.

 

I know you are going to do what you want, but I think you are so blinded by your obsession that you cannot even see the consequences of what you are doing.

[Mun]

I believe that most couples who reconcile go through a period of absolute NC... how else would they come to their senses about wanting someone back in their lives unless they feel the loss completely?

 

I don't know if that was your case Hope, but I've read other stories and that seems to be one of the factors.

 

Gradle you do what you must, there might be no hope left anyway. Why not just go ahead and do what your heart says if this relationship is lost already right? At least for the next one you will know what NOT to do to increase your chances.

 

That's how I see my last one---I learned that I had to walk away dignified and whether or not we got back it made me look better and not so psycho ( which is how I'd been reacting) .

Did I tell you I showed up at his house unnanounced? I text him from my car one evening with this message " I'm outside your apartment" how's that for scary?And I'd forgotten my cell phone.. so it was off my friends number that he didn't recognize. I laugh now but at the time I had PSYCHO written all over me ... I couldn't see past my hurt at the stupid things I was doing.

 

Like I said, I did get back his respect once I did NC and let go. Most important : I got my self-respect back. You can't exactly be doing off the wall, dumb stuff if you are doing NC.

 

I wish I could stop you from doing things you will regret. Like I said... somethings you just got to learn on your own.

[annie24]

Remember gradle - the man who does want to see you and talk to you and install your AC is the guy that you're very non-chalant around. Your indifference is driving him crazy. I think you should start applying some of this indifference towards J. It will have better effects than the dropping by the apartment with a birthday card. Use the US postal service. Or yahoo greetings. But there is no reason to drop by his house to deliver a birthday card. That's what the mailman is for. Remember - he's your ex. He has taken full stock of your qualities, and decided he's no longer in need of your company. (To paraphrase "he's just not that into you.") This is not the man that you should drop by his place to give him a card.

[annie24]

A very strong second to everything Muneca has said here.

[gradle]

i know, i'm sorry, i'm really really sorry.

i just want him to see me, and i want me to act fine, and normal adn not too desperate...and i'm so scared he's goign to leave for california before he can see me like that... and his birthday is one of the few chances that are mine to take advantage of in contacting him...

[annie24]

Well... the thing is, I can relate to your situation, because I've been there a few years ago. Apparently, Muneca is quite the stalker! "I'm outside your apartment." EEK! But, I think what we're trying to say is that we've been there, and the birthday tactics didn't work. When I say "work" I mean, that didn't bring our men back. We'd just like to save you from the same lesson, but like muneca said, some things you may have to learn on your own.

 

I have had an ex come back to me, and he contacted me after I had moved on with my life. Are you afraid if you move on, that if/when J comes back, it will be too late? It was too late for me and my ex, because by the time he came back, I just had too much of his crap, and I couldn't go through it again.

 

I think if you want to show him how happy you are, send a short internet greeting. He will find out through friends that you are happy and are moving on. Trust me, he'll be more intrigued if he hears snippets of how happy you are from others, rather than seeing you in person at his place.

[annie24]

i know, i'm sorry, i'm really really sorry.

i just want him to see me, and i want me to act fine, and normal adn not too desperate...and i'm so scared he's goign to leave for california before he can see me like that... and his birthday is one of the few chances that are mine to take advantage of in contacting him...

 

Ok - sorry - I'm going to cut into you here... "desperate" is an ex stopping by to drop off a birthday card, despite the fact she got broken up with. Think of a woman you really admire, a powerful woman. Do you think Angelina Jolie goes to Billy Bob's house to give him a birthday present? NO! She's too busy traveling the world and snuggling with brad pitt. What about Condelezza Rice? Is she driving to her ex's place? No! She's too busy making world policy. At most, Condi would have her staff person mail out a generic card.

 

If you really want him back, you have to be strategic. And the dropping by the apartment is the wrong strategy. But... if you need to do this... then go ahead....

[Hope75]

I have to agree with Annie and Muneca on these points they have brought up. I know that you are going over to J's house to "show him" how much you've changed, how independent you are, what he's missing, you are hoping that once he sees you he will miraculously remember that he was a fool for leaving and take you back.

 

 

By showing up at his house, desperately giving him a birthday card, you are proving to him yet again, regardless of whether or not you get emotional or stay under control, that you have not changed a bit. You're still thinking of him, you're still desperately alone, you are still dependant on him, and you are still trying to win him back. Your actions are telling him what your words are not. He's going to see right through you, Gradle,

 

He knows what you look like. He doesn't need to see you to think about whether or not he wants to take you back. He was your bf for 2+ years. He knows this and he does not, at this time, want you back.

 

If he wanted to be with you on his bday he would call you and invite you out. If he wanted to see you, he would call you and invite you out. Has he done that? Has he onced mentioned getting together since the episode in your apt. when you wouldn't let him leave?

 

If he leaves for Cali and doesn't want to see you before then, it is his loss, and you know that. You are a wonderful, caring person with alot to offer the person who appreciates who you are and wants you just as badly back. J isn't that guy right now. If he was, he would never have ended it, and stood by his decision all this time.

 

He gave you a valid reason for leaving, you had chance after chance to work on your own self respect and give him that space and learn to be independent, and you have not done it. You have continued to contact him and he continues to stand firm that he does not want to be your boyfriend.

 

Do you hear what he's said to you?

 

I know it's hard, I can see your pain in every post. Believe me, my heart is breaking for you, Gradle. If this were in any way a healthy situation, I'd wish him back for you too. BUT.... it isn't. J knew you for 6 years and he thinks you are too dependant on him. He went from calling you 5X a day to maybe once a week, unless you initiate it then less. Does that give you any indication that his feelings have changed?

 

I don't want to see you hurting this much anymore Gradle.... I really don't. I wish you could see your own worth the way we can. J doesn't see it or he would not have left.

 

Here's what I see happening if you go there. He's weird and stiff around you, thanks you for the card. You, emotional about seeing him, perhaps start to cry, or not, and try anything in your power to make him see how wonderful you are. You try to cheer him up, invite him out, anything to get him to spend time with you. He politely says he doesn't think it's a good idea, and you are crushed, or, he agrees, you go out, it's weird and uncomfortable, you are reading into every little thing he says and does, at the end of the night, it's still the same, you go your separate ways, he doesn't call for 5 or 8 or 10 more days, and you are going mad because nothing has changed, including you.

 

You are set back to the first day he rejected you, because from here on out, every time you talk, every time you see each other, hang out, whatever, and he doesn't take you back, he is rejecting you all over again.

 

Please, Gradle, protect your heart. Take some desperately needed time and devote it to yourself and really, really try to listen to what he asked of you, give him what he asked of you, and love yourself enough to accept what he said.

 

i know, i'm sorry, i'm really really sorry.

 

I am too, for you and how much you are torturing yourself.

[kazman32]

It is so hard,I undestand I was in a similar situation.I chased and my ex ran,so as hard as It was I went into nc ,not to win her back for me to heal!I still love my ex very much but I have gotten to the point where I know I can live without her.I know it seems like you will never think that way about your ex,but believe me in time(it does take time)you will too.Only then would I get in contact,you will appear strong and confident which is so much more attractive then begging pleading.My ex and me have spent time together as friends and had a wonderful time,I don't know what will happen between us,but I know no matter what I will be ok.You really need to get to that point.where you know no matter what happens between your ex and you,you will survive and go on with your life.I wish you all the best.

[lakergal]

Honestly? I can't believe this post is still lingering...

 

OMG - /slap - wake up!

 

The guy doesn't want you back as a gf... not now and if you keep acting desperate, groveling, needy, CLINGY, did I mention DESPERATE? You never will get him back

 

You are desparate. You are needy. You are clingy. You are acting whacked...

 

STOP!

 

I remember when I was your age. I dated the guy whom I thought was all it for me. Great parents, great outlook, LOADS of fun, hot man (he was in a Playgirl issue back in 1982)... oh man, I adored him.

 

He dumped me because I lived too far away but said, "I still want to be friends and go skiing and stuff..."

 

I moved to within 2 hours. I called him every time I came home on college breaks. I wrote him. I sent him cards. I bought him a Christmas gift. I sent him ski reports from the hills. I drove by where he worked and stopped in. I .... you get the picture? HE HATED IT!

 

He was too polite tho to tell me to back off... After 1 year of this nonsense, I moved back to where I started college at, quit contacting him, well... except for that time after he moved to where I'd just left (cuz gosh knows he MUST'VE MOVED THERE FOR ME, RIGHT?!?!!??!)... and I stopped in to see him...

 

End of the story? Almost 20 years (yes, that's 20 years) later, he wrote me and said he should've married the girl from the midwest (he's in LA now)... that midwest girl was me.

 

20 YEARS!?!?!? OMG - I'm so glad I stopped pining for him but the fact that I wasted 1 year of my life being so needy and desparate is sad, sad, sad.

 

Angelina Jolie (my moniker is now Angelina Julie' cuz I too am kicking arse and asking no questions), said it best, "Any man that makes you cry, isn't worth your time. Honestly, why would you want a man in your life that makes you sad?"

 

Think about that. Stop acting like you're 12 and clingy... and just maybe when you really are ready to move on from him, you will. And just maybe something else might happen but if you're not healthy, which to be brutally honest, you're not healthy - he won't want you back. Ever.

 

Don't do the card. Don't answer his IM. Don't do anything... LEAVE HIM BE! As hard as that is, leave him alone... you're not doing that.

 

4 - 5 days for a girl is like 1 day to a guy. Leave him alone, COMPLETELY, for 2 weeks... see what he does.

[gradle]

haha, ok ok, i get it...

i'll definitely take into consideration all of your comments, i promise

it's hard though for him to hear about me having a good time, when no one here that hangs out wiht me even knows him... and i hardly hang out with the people that he hangs out with....so i think i'm just sad that i might never see him again....

 

i know it's his loss, cause i am a pretty cool chick...but please remember, it's only been a month, and a month on 6 years of feelings isn't that much...even though i realize it's a month out of my life...

[Hope75]

haha, ok ok, i get it...

i'll definitely take into consideration all of your comments, i promise

it's hard though for him to hear about me having a good time, when no one here that hangs out wiht me even knows him... and i hardly hang out with the people that he hangs out with....so i think i'm just sad that i might never see him again....

 

i know it's his loss, cause i am a pretty cool chick...but please remember, it's only been a month, and a month on 6 years of feelings isn't that much...even though i realize it's a month out of my life...

 

It isn't the grief that we are saying is unhealthy, gradle. You dated him for 2 years, not 6, but that is besides the point. What is unhealthy is that every action he takes is telling you that he doesn't want to be with you, and the very reason her gave you is 100% true, and you just completely ignore what he wants and go ahead and do what you want anyway... calling him.....going by the house....etc.

 

It's fine to feel sad about him leaving. It's not fine not to accept that you've been dumped and leave J alone. It's your actions, not your feelings that are unhealthy and over the top.

 

I know we sound like broken records here and that it isn't what you want to hear and I am sorry, but we are only speaking the truth based on what you've told us and J's actions.

 

Whether or not it's hard for J to hear about you going out, he still doesn't ask you to come back to him. He is grieving too, but that doens't mean he wants you back. If it's hard for him to hear that, stop calling him. Stop telling him. It isn't working, he's not biting, he's not coming back when you tell him this stuff, and there is no other reason to tell him. You might never see him again. He broke up with you. That is what happens when you break up sometimes.

[gradle]

i know what you guys are telling me, and i'm sorry...but it's hard because when i talk to my friends and a lot of them are friends with him more so, they tell me doing small things like that is fine, in fact they think stopping by to give him the card is a good idea....it's just hard because i want him to remember me in a good way, and now i'm certain that he just thinks of me as this girl who so desperately tried to keep him in my apt...and i really don't want that...and i don't want him to go to cali and not see me right now. i realize it is his choice, but i think i have been pretty good, no kudos on that?

[Hope75]

Gradle,

 

We have given you kudos when you have shown restraint, but it just feels like you are always pushing the wire, always pushing the limits of how far you can go with someone who doesn't want you right now.

 

You are not going to be able to build up the way he thinks of you this way. If you show up at his place with a card, you are again, just reinforcing that girl who was on the floor in front of the door crying and not letting J leave. In essense, by going over there while he is still standing by being without you, you are again not letting him leave. Do you see that?

 

It's another way of showing him that you are not letting him go. He wanted to go, and he still wants that, otherwise he would be with you right now.

 

It's not a a good idea. As someone said here, give him two weeks. Start small, and see if you can have enough self control to to just that. If he calls you that is one thing, but you don't initiate anything for two weeks. See if you have enough restraint for that, and I think you will get huge kudos from everyone on this board.

[gradle]

ok, i'll do it after i give him the card. i promise

[PlayBrat]

Ok ...this is now on Page 20..and no one is making a dent here...

Gradle...Lakergrl made an EXCELLENT point when she said 4-5 days is like 1 day to a guy.It is SOOOO true. Men do not sit around counting the days..(well most lol )..most NORMAL, healthy , balanced guys have things to do, and lives to lead...and MOST guys do not like drama and chaos in their lives. YOU are creating unneccesary drama and chaos in your and HIS lives by not maintaining your ability to be alone. This man has flat out told you what he wants. You are refusing to listen...you are holding on like a pitbull to a T-bone... girl give up. At least for a while. No one is saying this is forever...you cannot control what he does, regardless of how many cards you give him...which by the way is a REAL lame attempt at contact.

Let his "friends" acknowledge his birthday..that is NOT your place or your responsibility anymore. Heck I would almost bet he's EXPECTING you to show up...prove him wrong. Take a day trip out of town that day.. to avoid temptation. Treat yourself as if it;s YOUR birthday...celebrate something...

just remember..every action has a reaction, so think about it before you

make a decison....

All the best...

[Hope75]

You aren't listening. You are going to go over there regardless of what I say or anyone here says or what J feels. You only care about your desperate attempt to get him back. It's really sad.

 

Go ahead and prove to him once more why leaving you was a good idea. Go ahead and smother him some more by calling and bringing the card over.

If you want to bury this relationship more than it's already buried, go for it.

 

He dumped you gradle, Time to learn to accept your limitations as an ex girlfriend.

[PlayBrat]

Hmmm Gradle....

Are you sure you aren't Stacy from "Wayne's World"? ...

[annie24]

Ok - I know - we're starting to sound like broken records. I'll just say this, and you can believe me if you want or don't. Dragongirl724 had a good post a while back on "methods to win back an ex." And then she went on to say that there is no sure-fire way to win back an ex. They only will come back if they want to come back.

 

That said, there are ways to improve your chances of winning him back. I swear - they work. Not always, but sometimes. #1 = no contact. They have to miss you. Not forever, but at least a good while. They have to see what their life is like without your love and support. #2 = You must be happy, cheerful, and living a good life. No one wants the messed up ex. #3 = definitely no presents or cards or little things like that. Remember - that's what gfs and bfs do, and you're not the gf or bf. True, you said you are now his "friend", but a friend would just put the card in the mail, and not obsess.

 

Gradle - We've been following your story. Trust me, it would make me so happy if you told us tomorrow that he came to your door, crying, with roses and chocolates, begging for you back. And you two live happily ever after. I really want to hear that. But to make it happen, I gaurantee, you'll be setting yourself back by getting yourself in his life like this all the time. NC, and at most, mail him the card!

 

For example, what if you go over to his place, and he gets a phone call. He says to the other person, Hey - let me call you back in a few minutes. You'll spend the next few weeks wondering if that's a new girl or his coworker or whatever. You'll just stress yourself out.

 

He'll find out about you some other way. Like all the time, people say, "hey - I saw your ex at the bookstore yesterday. He lost weight" or whatever. His friends will see you around the neighborhood one day, hopefully looking fabulous with a handsome man on your arm.

 

Just leave him be.... We're only saying this because we want things to work out well for you..... but if you need to see the results or non-results first hand, then go ahead.....

[brando]

Gradle,

 

please do not give him a card... it wont make a bit of difference. trust all of us on here, most if not all of us have been in your shoes....you will need to TRUST us on this one. Annie just posted with good advice and information, read it again, read every post again. Save yourself the pain of giving him that card, he knows how you feel, you hit him over the head with it so many times now, and he does not feel the same, it is what he wants, you need to let go... give him space, work on yourself...and why you cant seem to let go, it is important for you to learn this lesson of DETACHING and LETTING GO!!!!!

 

You will hurt so much less... you need to accept this for today....one day at time is all you can live...

 

be strong, get rid of that card... and dont contact him anymore,,, it is all about you and you taking care of you...

 

be well

[ediefy]

I'm coming in late on this one--my boyfriend dumped me a month ago, Gradie, and I tell you, it's a terrible thing to live through. But everyone here is right--leave him be for now. You have to trust the universe and understand that you have to let him go with love, and move on with your own life. He may or may not come back, but you have to get past this. Make the most of your own life, and stop harassing him and obsessing about him. Why give one guy that much power over your life and happiness? You can't control him, you can't make him do anything. What you can do is love him unconditionally, which means letting him go to pursue whatever it is that he needs to pursue right now. And take care of yourself, too. Become your own best friend, the love of your own life. You just have to. You have no other choice, and all you're doing now is making yourself crazy and driving him farther away. LET HIM GO. Move on. You can do it. Really.

 

(I live north of Boston, and it is an amazing town for people your age. Get out there, girl. Explore.)

[gradle]

Hi all,

I appreciate your thoughts and opinions, I really do, even though they might not be what I want to hear….i think just need to take some time out and think about these things for myself, plus give you guys a break from me sorry I broke down yesterday, I think my coworkers comments just put me over the edge a bit. I decided to take an extra break from the relationship woes and go off instant messenger for a bit, that way I don't know what he's doing and he doesn't know what I'm doing…so I'm trying to make some progress, I hope everyone is doing well.