Ex passed away

[TJI]

So, my girlfriend and I have been living together just short of a year.  We blended our two families (17 and 19 Girls are mine)(16F, 9F,8M Hers).  Our families are completely opposite in our discipline of life.  I love this gal so much that I have turned a blind eye to many red flags over our entire relationship.  I admit that I violated trust and snooped through her phone.  She was not forthcoming on her ex and their relationship.  Nor was she completely over him.  He was abusive both physically and mentally.  Has been in and out of jail during their entire relationship.  He was locked up just prior to our moving in together.  But to move the story forward, he Overdosed and passed away the other day.  She completely lost it.  I just cannot bring myself to give her any comfort for his loss.  I am just curious of opinions on this.  

[SherrySher]

Your ego is what is stopping you from imparting empathy, and compassion when she needs it.

She isn't mourning him in the way of wishing she was with him, or that he was the better choice (he quite clearly wasn't, which is why she chose you).

She is mourning old memories of him, nothing more.

She had a past, just like you and both of you cared for others at some point in your lives.

But the past is the past, and it truly is over.

Try to be the bigger person in all of this and allow her to mourn while giving her love and comfort.

She will love you for it.

She needs a friend right now, and someone who will be gentle with her, she doesn't need someone to judge and be harsh.

You're meant to be her safety, comfort, support, love.

Even if this is a difficult one, set the ego aside and just love her.

In time, her mourning will be over and you both can move on together with your life.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, TJI said:

We blended our two families (17 and 19 Girls are mine)(16F, 9F,8M Hers).   he Overdosed and passed away the other day. 

Take care of the kids and let her process it in her own way and in her own time.

Make sure all the kids have time with extended family, aunts uncles, grandparents on all sides.

 Ask her/her kids if they want to stay with some  family right now.

[Lambert]

If you can't comfort her, why are you with her? The guy is dead. It's not about him or more importantly you and your insecurities.

It's about her. Don't be surprised if you're inability to be supportive ends things between you. 

The fact that she is hurting is what matters. 

 

[Rose Mosse]

37 minutes ago, TJI said:

So, my girlfriend and I have been living together just short of a year.  We blended our two families (17 and 19 Girls are mine)(16F, 9F,8M Hers).  Our families are completely opposite in our discipline of life.  I love this gal so much that I have turned a blind eye to many red flags over our entire relationship.  I admit that I violated trust and snooped through her phone.  She was not forthcoming on her ex and their relationship.  Nor was she completely over him.  He was abusive both physically and mentally.  Has been in and out of jail during their entire relationship.  He was locked up just prior to our moving in together.  But to move the story forward, he Overdosed and passed away the other day.  She completely lost it.  I just cannot bring myself to give her any comfort for his loss.  I am just curious of opinions on this.  

The way I'm reading this is that you're puzzled why she has any remorse over the death of an abusive person. That's fine. Death has a way of drawing out some unexpected emotions even over individuals we'd least expect. You may also be resentful because she wasn't as forthcoming during your relationship. Maybe it progressed too quickly from dating to living together. The passing of her ex means that there is no one else to blame actually - it's a lifting of the veil to expose what's underneath, the foundation of your relationship which is rocky.

You have to work out the insecurities of your own relationship or it will cause a greater divide between the both of you.

Given your situation, I'm not surprised there are misgivings. The surefire way to nip this in the bud is to be accountable for your own actions. If you turned a blind eye to the "many red flags", own it. Start being more accountable and acknowledge that you have made mistakes in your judgment at the start. Only then are you able to play an active role in the relationship and be present. Be there for your family.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, TJI said:

We blended our two families (17 and 19 Girls are mine)(16F, 9F,8M Hers).  Our families are completely opposite in our discipline of life.  I love this gal so much that I have turned a blind eye to many red flags over our entire relationship.  I admit that I violated trust and snooped through her phone.

This is just not for you, is it?

Lack of trust... maybe 'blending families' was not a good idea?

Now, seeing her 'hurt' because her ex has passed away...

I feel you just can't do it 😕 .

If it's too much, admit it.  Maybe she can go turn to her family for better support.

[Batya33]

Is the ex the father of -or did he parent -her kids?  I agree you need to be supportive.  It is a loss and a traumatic one.